9 yr old DS, doesn’t let me talk to DH

[LadyGillingham]

He constant interrupts and tries to get the attention of one of us. DH and I work full time so we don’t get much time together. DS won’t let me speak to DH for 5 mins! DH doesn’t stop this behaviour - I think he quite enjoys the attn when 2 people are fighting for him.
It’s also quite sad that DH doesn’t prioritise talking to me. what should I do? Just stop talking to DH until he stands up for me?

OP, have you had a direct conversation about this when the kids aren't in bed? No accusations, just a discussion about how the two of you can work together to teach your DS this social skill and make sure both of you feel properly in-touch with each other.

One possibility to consider... you said if you're not trying to talk to DH then it ends up with DS walking away or sitting there reading a book while DH watches TV. Is it possible that DS finds it hard to get and keep his dad's attention in the evening and he's unconsciously trying to sort of capitalize on you having DH talking and not distracted by a screen? In addition to talking about specific strategies for responding to the interrupting in the moment I might ask your DH to set aside some focused, screen-free time every night for the two of them as part of DS's routine and see if that helps.

My take on this is different. Why is your husband not giving his undivided attention to your son? If he only sees his kid for an hour or so, why is he watching TV? During dinner - surely you have family chats that include kids?

I get that if Dh just sits there, you talk to him but my assumption would be that once Dh is home he takes active interest in your child, if he doesn't no wonder your kid keeps pestering him.

in our household, logistics and important chats are usually kept until after kids are in bed as I can't handle them bring interrupted all the time and it's easier that way.

DS jumps in with something trivial

I think this is the problem you have here. You don’t value what your child wants to say. It might be trivial to you, but it is not trivial to him.

If you don’t listen when he wants to tell you the small stuff then he won’t be coming to you with any of the big stuff, and that you will sorely regret.

I can understand your frustration but DS will probably be like most teenagers in a few years time, and you might wish he would come out of his room to talk to you instead of only appearing at mealtimes, and having to be conjoled into answering you.
Now that most of DC are adults I wish that I had had more patience for their talking when they were actually excited to see us after work but at the time it's so hard to fit everything that needs to be done in to those few hours before bedtime. When they were in bed I was too tired to remember what we needed to talk about.

He is 9 so can keep up with a convo. Involve your son in the talk. Keep it to subjects he can contribute to. Once he is in bed, then you can have your time with your partner.
Your DS needs your attention and that is what your husband is seeing and you are not.

Give it a few years and he won't be bothered about talking to either of you. They grow out of this excited for attention phase. And it definitely sounds like he wants more attention and time with dh .
You only get them for a few short years then they get to older teen stage and you will be desperate for attention from them.

It’s not got anything to do with behaving like a nanny - it’s allowing your child to see their dad in the very limited frame they have available before bed. You have all evening to talk to him uninterrupted after the kids are in bed.

You get four hours with your children after school with no interruptions. Let your DH have as much time as he can before the children are in bed.

I think you need to speak to your DH and say that every time he allows DS to interrupt your conversation, he undermines you and reinforces to DS that mum is not important and can be easily dismissed. Tell DH that it just makes you feel like not talking at all, which would create an unhealthy environment for everyone.

There are ways to address this, such as DH giving DS some dedicated time when he comes home. 30 minutes or so where he focuses on DS with no TV and no smart phone. So that when DS tries to interrupt, DH can say I’m speaking to your mum right now, I’ll speak to you when we’ve finished.

I agree! but she talks about like he’s some random stranger not her own son. As others have pointed out there is plenty of time for “adult conversation” once the kids are in bed.

Have you even read OP’s posts? It’s the DH watching TV or playing on his phone instead of engaging with his son.

And OP doesn’t have an uninterrupted 4 hours, she’s cooking and doing other chores.

Yes, I’ve read them. Both parents are at fault.

Her DS is clearly desperate for attention from his dad so while he needs to change his behaviour, it’s very odd for a mum to describe her child in the way the OP is, IMO.

How has she described him?

She’s speaking about him like he’s a grown adult - he’s a nine year old who is clearly desperate to see his dad and his mum is getting in a strop because she’s not getting undivided conversation - it’s utterly bizarre.

Encourage your.DH to put his phone down and spend some time with DS when he comes in. If he's his shadow at weekends he's clearly missing him working late. Can DH get home earlier one night?

Yes you need to teach DS manners but you are also and adult and can pause your conversation for a minute. Don't make this a bigger deal than what it is.

Then you need to teach your son not to interrupt.

Can you give some examples? I don’t see that at all. I see a woman who has acknowledged that her DH is the problem here, not her son.

She has said that she tries, but that her DH does not back her up.

Saying that he interrupts about trivial stuff, and then getting a weird notion about “being the nanny” and that she has to be silent until the children are in bed to have a proper interrupted chat. It’s just bizarre to me.

Yes, the DS shouldn’t interrupt but the issue here is that he’s clearly desperate for some time and attention from his dad. So DH needs to come home and do that - spend time with his kids. His phone, and conversations about chores, can wait.

OP is an adult who doesn’t need immediate, undivided time with her DH every day after work. She can text him during the day, wait until the children are in bed etc. Her 9yo doesn’t have that - he has a tiny window between dad getting home and bedtime.

I can’t imagine getting jealous over that.

Yep, there are a few reasons!

They are little kids, and little kids usually need their parents' help in navigating situations. This gives them an idea of what to do rather than just what not to do, which is not helpful on its own. If they were not allowed to communicate with me at all until I was finished talking, they might be waiting for hours - how do they know how long my conversation is going to last? Kids are not great at judging things in the way we would - they can't always spot a natural lull where it might be ok to interrupt, or consider alternative options. Also, there might be good reasons why they need an adult's input quickly - we tell kids they need to ask before doing lots of things, like getting snacks or going to different places etc. I also feel that stopping the flow of my conversation to tell them off would be just as disruptive as them interrupting in the first place, so I don't do that - I model respect for the conversation by using a quiet, non-disruptive gesture instead. After a few times they cotton on and will replicate - either by just murmuring "mum" once and standing close so I can tap, or by tapping me themselves. The interrupting has thus reduced naturally because they can see respect and conversational norms in action, rather than just being reprimanded. And in general I try to use other parenting techniques before I get to the "give them a telling off" stage, and this is working pretty well.

Children need to learn not to interrupt conversations and plough over them. I've had to spell it out explicitly with my two (DS1 is autistic... jury out on DS2...)

Mine were worst when we were out at an activity and I wanted a chance for some adult conversation with other parents. They have more than an abundance of my time at home and I had to blatently say that they get lots of child-chat time, and I need adult chat time. My social needs had not occurred to them. They did get better after that but are still naturally prone to arbitarily off-loading what's going through their brains without reading what's going on around them and are reminded that this is my chat time and I'll listen to them in due course.

Butting in and monologuing are traits that are frowned upon in the wider world and generally 9 year olds should be able to manage themselves most of the time. They can't do it in school!

It's also healthy for children to observe adults having functional, spontaneous conversations. It's part of modelling healthy relationships. Parents should not have to leave conversation until late in the evening.

DH needs to stop indulging this and spend a bit more time with DS to balance it. DS does need attention and chat time, but not to override everyone else's conversations.

I absolutely empathise as a parent to another talker overer.

However I think as you've identified its also a DH problem so he needs teaching.

Take DHs attention away. Make yourself scarce, without sulking, when it happens. If he wants to talk about horrid Henry and watch tv, you may as well just go up and read a book or have a bath or do something for you. Take yourself out of the space and frame it as quality time for them.

Like any man, flip the behaviour and see him come running. DH is getting something out of this... so let him have what he wants and see how long it lasts. He will either get on the same page at teatime or he won't and then he will get onside. But in the meantime reduce the stress for all of you.

Although I brought mine up not to interrupt or talk over people, I did let them find a gap in the conversation to say something. I didn't completely lock them out of a long conversation. I think there's a compromise

DH is on a phone or watching telly, ignoring DS and OP, until he decides he wants to talk to OP, or OP starts to talk to him and he has to engage with her or seem utterly rude.
DS sees that daddy is now talking, not looking at a screen, so he seizes the moment to talk to daddy too, like mummy is.
OP is incorrectly interpreting this as DS being jealous of her and not wanting DH to talk to her, whereas what is really happening is DS is copying her in trying to talk to DH and get some attention. DS is copying OP's timing.

The source of the problem is DH being on screens.
He needs to do two things: firstly proactively turn his attention to DS before DS asks for attention, i.e. give DS more quality time; and secondly work with OP in teaching DS not to interrupt adults talking.

Your DH needs to be on side with this. No good disciplining him if the other parent is constantly undermining you. Have a talk with him when DS is not there. Point out that interrupting is really rude and he needs to stop rewarding it by giving attention.

As for DS, I'd just tell him sharply not to do it, its rude and disrespectful and the second time he does it, send him to his room. If he can't display manners, he needs to go away from the conversation.

He obviously does know its not acceptable or he'd be told off in school for doing it. He's just choosing to ignore and override you. It's just lack of respect.

That's because you and others always see men as the problem regardless.