9 yr old DS, doesn’t let me talk to DH

[LadyGillingham]

He constant interrupts and tries to get the attention of one of us. DH and I work full time so we don’t get much time together. DS won’t let me speak to DH for 5 mins! DH doesn’t stop this behaviour - I think he quite enjoys the attn when 2 people are fighting for him.
It’s also quite sad that DH doesn’t prioritise talking to me. what should I do? Just stop talking to DH until he stands up for me?

Based on the assumption your son goes to bed not long after your DH arrives home, I would definitely be letting your DS/DH prioritise that time together, and then having a longer conversation with DH once DS is in bed. I’m another that finds it a bit odd that you don’t see the importance of your DS having that time. Obviously if there is something urgent to discuss that should take priority, but I’d rather my DH spent time with the kids and we chatted once they were in bed.

If your DH gets home from work at 7.30pm, how long is it until your DS goes to bed? You and your son have already spent four and a half hours together so naturally he wants to talk to his dad and you'll get later. He shouldn't interrupt but don't feed your husband's ego by competing with a child.

Look at it from your 9yo’s point of view - he hasn’t seen his dad all day and knows he’s going to bed soon and wants to make the most of it. He can’t wait a few hours or talk to his dad through the day because he’s nine and has school and a bedtime.

You’re an adult who can text your husband or wait a couple of hours until your son is in bed and you have DH’s undivided time and attention.

Don’t turn it into a competition - let your son get the same time with his dad as he gets with you every single day after school.

No, let me correct this scene for you.

DH walks though the door, kids run to him, they talk etc, I give him dinner, kids are running about. I settle on a chair next to DH, he talks about something important, am responding. DS jumps in about something trivial. This happens all the time, when DH and I speak, DS has to jump in and interrupt.DH stops my conversation and is now discussing horrid Henry with DS. I walked away several times and DH send DS upstairs to apologise. But this doesn’t change.

Some women here seem to think I must operate like a nanny in my own home and only have meaningful conversations with my husband only after the kids sleep. Even if I do that, we have operational/ logistical sh!t to sort out for the next day - and I need to get on with chores depending on who is working from home etc.

I am not jealous of DS, it’s the other way around - unfortunately, I want to have some respect.

I am more than just a mum. I really don’t think I need to behave like a nanny and not have the right to speak to someone for 10mins un interrupted in my own home.

Do you think my DH is spending 1-1 time with DS for an hour? Nopes! He is either watching TV or on his phone. DS speaks for 5-10 mins, goes away and comes back with something else or he is just there on the sofa reading his book as DH watches TV,

I see DH sitting there and watching TV or just eating dinner, are you saying I shouldn’t talk to him? Even if I do, DS jumps in mid conversation, it’s ok, because it’s his time with his daddy?

You got the wrong picture, I’m not interrupting their time. DS is interrupting a conversation.

Have you taught your DS how to approach you if you are talking to someone?

Ofcourse you can but since you're an adult and hopefully more patient than a child you could let your child have his dad's attention when he gets home at 7:30. At 9 he'll be in bed soon anyway and you will have your DH to yourself. 🤷‍♀️

Not explicitly, I always tell him not to interrupt and wait until I finish. DH doesn’t.

What if I’m already speaking to DH? Should I stop and leave as soon as DS shows up in the room?

If this is the dynamic you have in your family, you really need to have a hard look at yourself. This is not how mutual respect works.

I'd have walked out if I was your dh, abusive telling him to put his hand up who put you in charge?

We had a system where my DC took my hand if they wanted to speak to me. This let me know they wanted to talk. If my convo was going to be long(ish) with the person I was already talking to I would quietly say to them, ‘come back in 5 minutes’. If there was going to be a break in the conversation sooner, I’d touch their hand back to let them know I knew they were waiting, and then would revert to them as soon as I naturally could.
They knew in an emergency to just interrupt!

Kids don’t instinctively know how to navigate ‘busy’ adults, think that everything they have to say is important, and need our help rather than a bland ‘don’t interrupt’ instruction which leaves them nowhere.

The dynamic in our family is that we save longer important adult conversations for when the children are in bed.
That being said my DH is very strict on manners and will not have a child interrupting a conversation. But you seem to want an in-depth private conversation with your DH while your DS is there even though he will soon be in bed and you will get to have your husband's undivided attention. He comes home late and your son is excited to have him home. He shouldn't interrupt but you seem quite immature being in competition with your son for DH's attention. Maybe you ought to have a hard look at yourself?

Your DH is being very disrespectful to you by allowing your son to interrupt your conversations like this. Rather than addressing it at the time with your DH and in front of your son, have you discussed it separately?

Where did I say I’m having in-depth private conversations? I’m usually already mid conversation when DS interrupts. It’s not private, it’s not in-depth. It’s usually about who does what the next day so I can get on with chores. 10mins is also an exaggeration - it hardly takes 2 mins.

That’s very helpful. Thank you

The situation sounds exasperating. My son has ADHD & autism When he was your son’s age, constantly interrupted me when I spoke to anyone. It made life quite difficult. I was v envious of people who could have a brief uninterrupted chat with another adult! He improved a lot but still as a teenager finds it hard to control his impulses. It might help to chat to your son after school and explicitly tell him some rules about conversation - you take turns, listen while the other person is talking, and don’t interrupt when two people are talking to each other. You could practice using a signal like arm tapping or a raised finger as pp have suggested, so he knows you understand he wants to speak. Also talk to your son about what he’d like to happen when his dad gets home in terms off attention. Would it help if daddy had a 1-1 bedtime chat with him every night? Talk to your husband about this and ask him to get on board and point out that it’s teaching your child manners in the same way you both expect him to say please and thank you. However, if your husband really does enjoy having two people competing for his attention and won’t get on board, then you have, as they say, a dh problem not a ds problem. By the way, I guess your other child/children don’t do this?

Well you were the one who said 10 minutes? So we can only respond to information you have given. That's why I thought you could wait until kids were in bed. If it's a 2 minute conversation then that's different and it should be your DH telling your son not to interrupt. Also, he ought to spend some time with his son because these interruptions are a cry for attention. If your DH tells your son "hang on, I'm talking to your mum. You know we don't interrupt when people speak. Go to your room and wait and I'll be right there when I'm finished speaking to your mum." Then everyone will be treated respectfully, you included, and DS knows not to interrupt but is assured of having his dad's attention If he waits.

My other child is a teenager. We have to ask him to get out of that room and sit with us !

I 100% think this is a DH problem. DS is not a difficult child in other ways. But he is weirdly possessive about his dad. I don’t have a problem with him clinging to his dad 24/7 on weekends, but the minute he sees me with DH, he comes out of nowhere wanting to discuss rockets.

its also so true that children’s priorities are different to ours. They will genuinely believe that what they have to say about Minecraft/Horrid Henry/some YouTuber is important and fascinating and a parental discussion about work/weekend plans is trivial and boring.

Yes, this is a husband problem. Better to fix it soon because a kid constantly interrupting adult conversation is likely to be very annoying to your friends. And at that age your son is old enough to be told it's bad manners.

I had it the other week when I visited friends. Their soon is 9, too. He talked constantly. I'm not going back to their house anytime soon.

Wow lovely patronising household you have there. 🤣

Teach your kid some manners and tell your dh to stop being a prick too.

I've read all your updates and you seem to ignore something people keep saying!
i have an adhd/asd 12yr old. She does this constantly when me and my husband trying to have an adult conversation or even a conversation. We've tried various methods to manage it, ours still doesn't change it. She's adhd, it is an adhd behaviour.
your argumentative and defensive responses also suggest adhd too (always have to win behaviour, I know an adhd person who got sacked because of this)
I'm fully expecting you to come at me with a argumentative response and that's ok, I'll just ignore you. hopefully my points will make you think