Gave Granddaughter's Mum £250 towards her 3rd birthday party

[TheBuffetInspector]

She couldn't decide which nursery friends to invite. Whether it would be 360 or local Wacky.

I gave her £250 towards either.

She's going to Sea-Life Centre with her Mum.

So, not only no party. No invite either.

I'm a bit pissed off to be honest.

Was fully on your side due to the selective details, until I read £84 a month.

And what’s even more appalling you being proud of it like it’s a huge sum she should be grateful for, and even boasting about the time he give her a little over a £100 at that.

While she could definitely have been more transparent, I don’t blame her for deciding £250 would be good to spend on (hopefully) her child in other ways or even just in general rather than blowing it on a party. £250 is really not a lot as far as grocery or other child costs go.

Also you don’t know she didn’t spend it on the birthday. Even before the deadbeat father revelation, I was going to point out that Sea World costs about £50pp for the tour experience and if you add on outing costs, food and presents it might not leave much. It would be nice of her but a bit weird to return the slight leftover extra. In her position I would have invited you if it had occurred to me, but equally if you wanted an invite you should’ve said so.

Early 20s is young. Statistically. Late 20s to early 30s normal. I’ve nothing against young mums. My own mother was a young mum at 21 and she was the best mum in the universe. It can make things harder though if children arrive before financial stability has been established.

I'm on the fence.
I've voted YABU because you shouldn't give money with strings attached (saying it has to be spent on X or Y, and you have to be there too - give it because you want to help, nothing else)
BUT if she's only gone to sealife with her DD for a day out, that's taking the piss a bit as that doesn't cost £250!
If I was her I'd give you the rest back (if you were open to that, some people take massive offence at being paid back so if you're like that maybe she's just not saying anything to keep the peace and stop you kicking off, who knows 😬)

That is one point of view, but the thread is about the question whether the OP is right to feel aggrieved that money given for a specific and apparently mutually agreed purpose was used on something else and she didn't even get an invite to the thing that did happen. And she found out about this on top of some other drama that we don't know the specifics of.

I don't think @TheBuffetInspector is unreasonable having the feelings she does/did. It sounds like she tries to maintain an amicable relationship with DS'ex and provide 'extras' for a grand child she adores.
What her son does or does not do for his child is a separate issue, maybe she nags him about it constantly we don't know. I don't know what benefits rates are but I imagine eighty odd quid stings a bit, I doesn't sound like any of the cast are exactly rolling in it, Isn't that the real issue on that side of the debate? The UK is a bit shit right now?
Why are you dumping on her so much ?

It is all relative in my current part of the world early 20s is the norm. And God am I jealous of the 40 year olds with almost grown up kids, while I'm 40 with a 5 yo DS running around like a bull

I think it was admirably restrained.

Yeah, that's a good point - would cost more if got some kind of personalised day, feeding animals or whatever. You wouldn't know all the details, just that they're off to Sealife.

If they had 50/50 care why would the OP give the mum £250 for a party? She’d give it to her son surely who would be sorting the party for her. He has plenty of spare time by the sounds of things

Sounds to me like your son was well into his 20s and the mother of your GC was a teen when he got her pregnant.

He now lets us tax payers raise his DC because he doesn’t work, whilst mum does the majority of childcare and ensure your GD has a roof over her head.

Sounds like the situation is a lot more problematic than the cost of a birthday outing and maybe the problems began with your DS impregnating a young girl 🤷‍♀️

Yes, this sounds likely - going by OP's posts though it's not about what grandchild wanted, and more about what OP wanted "would have loved watching her hare around with her nursery mates" and "instead she gets a day out with her other grandma"
Instead of being salty that it wasn't the party you wanted grandchild could have changed their mind to Sealife, kids are fickle like that
be happy she's had a lovely birthday that you helped arrange.

There's so much assumption and, quite frankly bullshit on this thread that I can't keep up. However GDs Mum was 20 going on 21, when she had GD. GD is still 2. The birthday hasn't happened yet. GD Mum will be 24 shortly after.

Not a teenager!

People are just making things up to suit their own angry narrative.

Also GDs Mum has always been a bloody hard worker and isn't working atm as she's received a house in another town.

I've already posted about son.

So read the thread or stop spouting bollocks as fact.

She was 20 or 19 at the very least.

He was 25 or 24 at the very least.

Hardly a disturbing age gap, both adults (a woman, not a girl) of working age and fully capable of being more responsible regarding contraception. I don't think you can pin this all on OPs son, though neither of them sound like ideal parents tbh.

That's right, it's all about me. That's how I roll.

As posted earlier I've spoken to GD Mum.

It's all fine.

I'm not entertaining any more bullshit.

Sorry, you did post on AIBU and that's what you've said so was going by your posts - try and be happy she's had a nice day out she's wanted for her birthday.
Do think there are some utter dick posts though, no need for all the speculation about your son and ex DIL's relationship.

I would just put it down to experience OP even if it’s more than you could afford really. I wouldn’t hand over cash to her in the future. OP is not responsible for plugging gaps in what her son is paying for his child even if he is a waste of space as some people are implying. It sounds as if it’s more complicated than that though. I don’t blame OP for being upset when she found that the money wasn’t being spent on what it was requested for.

She hasn't her birthday yet, she's still 2 bless her, got another couple of weeks yet 😭🤣.

Oh I know it's AIBU, but that doesn't allow for blatant made up nonsense. Well...

So have you asked where the £250 for the party went? What did she say?

Wow, I wouldn't be offering to pay anything again, well done on being direct with her, and with the many other people on this thread.

Good for you, have a lovely day on Friday.

I think as a GM myself you are entitled to be peeved. The money is gone, you are right, just forget about it.

One suggestion though. Maybe have a chat with her and say, that although things can be strained now and then, and you are sorry you sent an arsy text, but you were just having a bad day, that you would love to have a day out with her and your GD. Invite her to come and have a picnic with you for you GDs birthday. Might mean a bit of peace between you all. Or, she might not come, but knowing she was invited, might encourage her to invite you to something in future ?

More fool her, as there will be many years when GD does want parties coming up and she will not have your kindness to rely on. Don’t think of it as losing £250, you have saved yourself £250 for the next 7 years 😂 . Promise us you won’t offer again!!

It probably is worth smoothing things over but you know how it is now.

I think the comment about troublesome teenager was made by someone else describing their similar (but different) situation, and this poster was responding to that.

Goodness, OP, why do so many mn threads these days become judgmental pile-ons? I'm feeling wearied by the bullshit and I've only read your posts.

Glad you patched things up with GD's mum and that you're so fair-minded towards both her parents. You can't control the job market where you live, but you can try to be decent, and you do. I think your GD will be fine.

Was that specifically for the party and not as a gift ?