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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

643 replies

isitenoughnow · 08/04/2025 21:38

I just don’t ever feel up for it. The thought makes me feel sick. But I do it, as it causes resentment from my husband if I don’t.

anyway, he’s expecting it once a week- sometimes twice ( but more rarely twice ). Usually it’s once a week.

I am going away tomorrow for 2 weeks and usually he expects it in this kind of circumstance and will summon me soon.

I feel sick thinking about it. I just don’t want to do it.

I feel resentful of myself, of my body, of him. The fact that I just have to keep doing this or otherwise it’s a problem for my marriage.

when do men stop wanting sex ? Does it really need to be a weekly thing or could it be monthly or whatever ? I just can’t take it anymore. When I say no, it’s endless begging and if I continue to say no, usually sulking.

I honestly feel like crying tonight as I know he’s going to come and request it from me.

at the weekend I was worried about him as he was out in his fast car and I thought how sad it would be if something happened. But it did cross my mind that at least I wouldn’t need to have sex anymore.

anyway, I ask again - at what age does sex drive dwindle in men ?

OP posts:
FrozenFeathers · 09/04/2025 07:27

OP your husband is an abuser and a rapist. He does not respect your 'no' and keeps pestering. "Giving in" is not consent and sex without consent is rape.

When he treats you poorly because you won't give in, that is abuse. He is trying to punish you as though you have done something wrong by asserting your boundaries.

The fact that even the idea of having sex with him makes you feel sick is another major red flag. Your relationship is a classic case of abuse and in time you will see it too.

SimpleSister · 09/04/2025 07:28

I admire your courage OP. I really do.
Are you from a heritage that looks down on divorce more than say liberal UK.

singlewhitetrashheap · 09/04/2025 07:28

What on earth was the point of all this if you're just going to stay with him?

Original poster
isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 07:32

SimpleSister · 09/04/2025 07:28

I admire your courage OP. I really do.
Are you from a heritage that looks down on divorce more than say liberal UK.

I don’t look down on divorce. But pretty much the only reason I’ll end my marriage is if he hits me/ is abusive towards the kids/ has an affair.

I don’t have a problem with my marriage really, apart from the sex thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 07:32

singlewhitetrashheap · 09/04/2025 07:28

What on earth was the point of all this if you're just going to stay with him?

Is that the only point ? I thought someone would have some other suggestions, other than divorce.

OP posts:
Comtesse · 09/04/2025 07:32

@SlightlyBaffledBloke I think your take is dead wrong. OP seems to spend an awful lot of time thinking about husband’s emotions but he is hardly returning the favour if he is begging / pestering / summoning her, no?

TheCourseOfTheRiverChanged · 09/04/2025 07:34

singlewhitetrashheap · 09/04/2025 07:28

What on earth was the point of all this if you're just going to stay with him?

I don't think it's right to turn on OP now. She's taken a big risk just putting the original question out there, and sharing what she's going through.
@isitenoughnow I really wish you well.
I hope your husband can respect your "no" from now on.
Lots of support available if he can't, and you decide it's time to treat yourself and your body as the beautiful, wonderful awe- and respect- inspiring person you are.

MusedeBordeaux · 09/04/2025 07:40

I don’t have a problem with my marriage really, apart from the sex thing.

Ah well then OP, good luck with it all.

You say you have young kids so you must both still be fairly young, so to answer your original question, he will probably continue to pester you for sex for a long time to come.

AgnesX · 09/04/2025 07:41

There's not really any compromise is there. You do or you don't. It's not fair on him, equally it's not fair on you either.

Counselling, might help you both accept how the other feels and help reduce the behaviours that lead to resentment.

What age are you? It's a big thing to live with for a long period of time.

SweetcornFritter · 09/04/2025 07:44

isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 07:22

This is going to be an unpopular opinion and I’m going to get slated - but I married this man. Marriage means something to both of us. You don’t just throw it away and give up. We have a family together, young children. Why put them through that ? I don’t have the answer but I definitely will not leave him. He can leave me if he wants to. But I will not be the one to break it apart. I’m doing what I can to keep us together by doing something I don’t really want to do, because I know it’s important to him and for me to keep my family together.

we had a long conversation last night and he knows how I feel. Sex is just not a priority for me. Many other things are important but not sex. It’s important to him. I told him the begging and pleading and bad moods need to stop. I told him to give me space for me to come to him and that at the moment, once a week is too much and can he just back the fuck off and take no for an answer.

anyway, for better or for worse. This is just the worse part- neither of us want to give up on our marriage.

yes I know I know, I’m terrible - weak- deluded - my marriage is over etc.

I just have a different opinion to you. Love is a choice, marriage is something you are in, for better or for worse and I’m not happy to just throw away the life we’ve built. Not yet, anyway.

What was your husband’s response OP? Did he agree to back off or did he sulk?

Riaanna · 09/04/2025 07:45

isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 07:32

Is that the only point ? I thought someone would have some other suggestions, other than divorce.

Show quote history

I’m in the same situation as you. And despite insistence on others here it’s not the same as rape. It’s not anything like that. It’s being in a marriage and recognising that expecting a person to stay in a sexless marriage when it’s important to them is not ok. So you have to choose. And I’ve chosen the same as you. I did have the clear chat as well about the relentless sulking and what an enormous turn off that is. I’ve also spoken to him about how he can make me feel valued because ultimately it goes both ways. If I’m doing this for him he needs to be putting in the effort too.

Also and I know you say it’s not hormonal HRT has helped. It hasn’t fixed it but I certainly don’t feel quite so opposed to it anymore.

the other thing was my husband was clearly in some hellish loop where sex to him is love and me not wanting it translated to me not loving him which caused this need to have it driven from insecurity. He was also worried constantly it would stop because I didn’t love it so was obsessing constantly. We are now in a routine where we have sex most weeks (3 in 4) pretty consistently and I make a point of not getting annoyed. That has been fundamental in him feeling loved and wanted which has meant in turn he no longer worries and the cycle has been broken. That took a bit of time and reassurance for him.

Your choice is what works for you. And if you are willing to compromise then go for it. It’s all too easy to stick a man in the abusive borderline rapist category which is short sighted.

whatkatydid2014 · 09/04/2025 07:45

Maitri108 · 09/04/2025 01:40

@SlightlyBaffledBloke

Are you aware that you're taking the side of a rapist? You're trying to justify the behaviour of a man who 'summons' his wife to sex she doesn't want.

"I just don’t ever feel up for it. The thought makes me feel sick. But I do it, as it causes resentment from my husband if I don’t.
anyway, he’s expecting it once a week- sometimes twice ( but more rarely twice ).

Usually it’s once a week.

I am going away tomorrow for 2 weeks and usually he expects it in this kind of circumstance and will summon me soon.

I feel sick thinking about it. I just don’t want to do it.

I feel resentful of myself, of my body, of him. The fact that I just have to keep doing this or otherwise it’s a problem for my marriage.
when do men stop wanting sex ? Does it really need to be a weekly thing or could it be monthly or whatever ? I just can’t take it anymore. When I say no, it’s endless begging and if I continue to say no, usually sulking".

Do the bits I've highlighted show enthusiastic consent? They're the words of a woman being pressured into sex she doesn't want.

Pressuring someone into sex is rape under the law. You need freedom of choice to consent, does the above look like freedom of choice?

You can blather on all day about sex being integral to marriage, actually it's not. All kinds of people get married: asexuals, people with disabilities, people with mental health problems, people with no sex drive etc

No one is entitled to sex, the marriage certificate doesn't override consent. If sex is no longer on the table, you can choose to leave. You don't have the right to summon someone and bully someone into acts they don't want to do.

And no, you're not being kind.

I think if he’s aware the extent to which she doesn’t want to have sex this is all valid but she also said one of the reasons she has sex when she doesn’t really want to is that if she did not “he’d try and get me to talk about why I’m never up for it” Is he actually aware how she feels or is she putting up a convincing act of enjoying sex when they do have it and never telling him what she actually wants?

whatkatydid2014 · 09/04/2025 07:57

whatkatydid2014 · 09/04/2025 07:45

I think if he’s aware the extent to which she doesn’t want to have sex this is all valid but she also said one of the reasons she has sex when she doesn’t really want to is that if she did not “he’d try and get me to talk about why I’m never up for it” Is he actually aware how she feels or is she putting up a convincing act of enjoying sex when they do have it and never telling him what she actually wants?

Show quote history

@isitenoughnow I think it’s a positive thing you’ve told him how you feel. If he continues to pester you to have sex or wants to have sex with you at all when you’ve told him how you feel that tells you an awful lot about the type of person he is. Ultimately if his solution involves you continuing to have sex with him when he knows that you don’t want to then he doesn’t care about you at all and is in fact happy to rape you rather than to split up or to agree to an open marriage. Is that really a relationship you’d want to continue with?

Pigeonqueen · 09/04/2025 08:01

I think there is nothing more disgusting than someone wanting to, and being prepared to, have sex with someone when they know they don’t want to have sex with them. It’s absolutely vile.

Mumofoneandone · 09/04/2025 08:09

Whilst I do admire you for taking marriage vows seriously, I think you do need to take a step back, as your DH's behaviour is not acceptable. From your description he is coersive in his sexual demands. It is not acceptable and you have every right to say no. And for him to respect your decision not keeping pestering you.
Plenty of couples have differing sex drives or no sex, but that's life and you have to find the right way through for yourself.
I think some counselling may help you - possibly couples counselling but this situation cannot continue.....

SaladSandwichesForTea · 09/04/2025 08:11

Butchyrestingface · 08/04/2025 23:40

She has already stated she isn't up for it with ANYONE after about 5 years in a relationship. I gather she's speaking from experience.

The husband may be a prat but I think we should take OP at her word when she says sex has a sell-by-date in a relationship for her.

Show quote history

Yes, AFTER about 5 years.

And those relationships also ended. So i think the not wanting sex might be a symptom that the relationship isn't right for her.

Because either she loves the sex for the first 5 years and is enthusiastically consenting and then BAM sex drive disappears, only to reappear with another man, or the relationship sours and the sex feels like a chore.

Xwx1010 · 09/04/2025 08:11

isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 07:32

I don’t look down on divorce. But pretty much the only reason I’ll end my marriage is if he hits me/ is abusive towards the kids/ has an affair.

I don’t have a problem with my marriage really, apart from the sex thing.

Show quote history

Right so hitting is divorce-able but rape isn’t.
gotcha.

Xwx1010 · 09/04/2025 08:14

isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 07:32

Is that the only point ? I thought someone would have some other suggestions, other than divorce.

Show quote history

your options are:

carry on doing what you’re doing and him abusing you.

speak to him and put boundaries in place to see if he respects them.

divorce

report him to the police

seek therapy (however no ethical counsellor would do couples counselling if one partner is sexually abusing the other) you could access it individually.

you’ve chosen option 2 when most have said 3. That’s your prerogative but mumsnet can’t pull magic solutions out the bag for you here.

Bepo77 · 09/04/2025 08:19

Okay so his attitude sucks and yes sounds verging on abusive, if not already abusive!

BUT I don’t think it’s fair to expect someone to stay in a sexless marriage if sex is important to them. I’d be off in a shot if my DH stopped having sex with me out of choice.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 09/04/2025 08:20

mothersdayhmm · 08/04/2025 22:22

Look, you must know you have a problem! It’s not normal to have no libido. I’m a 55 year old woman and would love sex multiple times a week. Sadly for me my DH is the male version of you. It sucks.

I think it is normal.

Mine went at 48. All of my friends of similar ages have no interest.

From a biological point of view why would an older women need to have sex?

Rewis · 09/04/2025 08:21

Sex is just not a priority for me

So you have a sex drive and want to have sex, just not weekly. Or you have no sex drive and you're just willing to go through with it for the sake of your marriage once a month? Cause saying sex is not a priority sounds like you do have a sex drive.

I mean your husband with his begging and sulking doenst sound that great. And I'm kinda disturbed that he is willing to have sex with you when you're reluctant. If my partner shows any signs that he's not into it then I'll stop cause it feels like shit to everyone. But I don't think it is fair to singlehandedly stop sex and just tell him to deal with it. If you do agree on once a month or whatever, then it can't be you forcing yourself into it and just him essentially using you as masturbation tool. That's not a sex life for wither of you.

You mentioned earlier that you suggested open relationship but why don’t you just do it with someone else and leave me alone is not actually suggesting it. Would you be an open to him getting his needs met with someone else?

Sulu17 · 09/04/2025 08:21

I was married to a sex pest years ago. I got all the anger, sulking, begging. it made me loathe him. He regularly raped me and groped me when I was asleep. He honestly thought he had the right and he believed that my body belonged to him. I was so happy once I got the nerve up to get rid of him.

Lavenderflower · 09/04/2025 08:24

I think it is okay not to want to have sex. Equally, it is fine to not be in a sexless marriage.

Bepo77 · 09/04/2025 08:24

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 09/04/2025 08:20

I think it is normal.

Mine went at 48. All of my friends of similar ages have no interest.

From a biological point of view why would an older women need to have sex?

Show quote history

Endorphins, intimacy, de-stressing, loads of reasons!

Why would a woman of 48 enjoy a massage? A movie? An afternoon tea? None of these things have anything to do with survival but I’m pretty sure quite a few post menopausal women enjoy them.

Bestfootforward11 · 09/04/2025 08:24

Are you intimate with your DH in other ways? Do you feel loved? What do you do to make him feel loved? I’m talking about things other than sex for both of you.

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