Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

[isitenoughnow]

I just don’t ever feel up for it. The thought makes me feel sick. But I do it, as it causes resentment from my husband if I don’t.

anyway, he’s expecting it once a week- sometimes twice ( but more rarely twice ). Usually it’s once a week.

I am going away tomorrow for 2 weeks and usually he expects it in this kind of circumstance and will summon me soon.

I feel sick thinking about it. I just don’t want to do it.

I feel resentful of myself, of my body, of him. The fact that I just have to keep doing this or otherwise it’s a problem for my marriage.

when do men stop wanting sex ? Does it really need to be a weekly thing or could it be monthly or whatever ? I just can’t take it anymore. When I say no, it’s endless begging and if I continue to say no, usually sulking.

I honestly feel like crying tonight as I know he’s going to come and request it from me.

at the weekend I was worried about him as he was out in his fast car and I thought how sad it would be if something happened. But it did cross my mind that at least I wouldn’t need to have sex anymore.

anyway, I ask again - at what age does sex drive dwindle in men ?

I mean work, housework, being touched out from kids can be a right passion dampener too 🫠

Do you enjoy the new relationship buzz OP? Could you try recreating that with DH? I mean booking a weekend or night away just the two of you? Going to a show or for a really nice meal with cocktails, getting dressed up and having a proper "date"?

Actually I think working with, and talking to, lots of women over the years that sexless marriages are more common than you would think.

No one is owed sex, even in marriage. And it is a want not a need. So coercion and sulking and being moody can fuck off in the ‘marital rape’ box as far as I’m concerned.. and if people still want sex then the options are divorce, open marriage or masterbation. They have choices. But the one who doesn’t want it only has one - and that’s to say no. And they should be able to say no freely. They don’t need counselling or medicating. No means no.

You need to divorce, you sound like you're young still and it's unfair on you and your husband.

It's not going to get better.

If you really do want to stay married then you need a proper talk. Go somewhere quiet where you won’t be disturbed. Tell him how you feel and ask how he feels.

Maybe agree a month long trail with no sex or mention of it at all. In that time you both agree to reflect on things, if you want you can book a gp appointment or do some reading into increasing your sex drive. He agrees to do similar reading into understanding your feelings.
after a month you talk again. If neither of you feel any different then it’s time for next steps (open marriage/ divorce).

This will only help if you actually want to stay married and sex is the only issue

I agree no means no. But to say sex is a want not a need in a marriage is biased. As is equating sex with masturbation - if that were true there wouldn’t be a sex worker market.

"It’s all too easy to stick a man in the abusive borderline rapist category which is short sighted."
It's not easy to put a man in the abusive category at all. It's incredibly hard for a woman to do this.

It's not sex that makes a relationship a marriage.
It's making love.

He's disgusting to pester you like this and not take no for an answer, but do you realise, by continuing to subject yourself to this, you're abusing yourself? Your body is screaming out to you to stop, but you keep pushing on. This is going to have an impact on you, it will get harder and harder to pretend. I think you should get yourself some therapy if nothing else.

I wish people would stop comparing this to rape.

Are you aware of the changes the female body goes though prior to and after menopause?

Here are some of the changes. These occur in at least 50% of women and can start up to 10 years BEFORE menopause (so at 40ish).

• Dryness.
• Shrinking of tissues.
• Disappearance of labia minora.
• Contraction of the vaginal tissue and muscles.
• Pain during intercourse.
• Problems urinating.
• Shrinkage of the clitoris, making orgasm weak and at times inability to orgasm.
• Loss of libido.
• Tissues sticking/fusing together.
• Adhesions on tissues (can be inside and outside the vagina, on the vulva, on the clitoris, over the urethra).
• Splitting, tearing and bleeding of the vaginal, vulval and clitoral tissues when sex is forced past the level of discomfort.

This means that a large percentage of womens bodies physically find it hard to have sex after 40ish.

You refer to her lack of sex drive. It isn't just a reduction in libido. It's a physical body problem. In a man the equivalent would be shrunken penis, lack of seminal fluid/inability to orgasm, pain during sex. Would you advise a man in that situation to push on through to force himself to have sex even when he was in pain while doing it? Would you advise that man's wife to leave him, because he wasn't physically capable of sex? Would you imply he was wrong and selfish for not wanting to undergo an act that was bad for his body and painful?

Far too many of us (women as well as men) don't understand the physical changes that will happen to most (as in more than 50% of women) before/during/after menopause. And pretending it is just vaginal dryness or a lower libido is doing no one any favours. It's giving men unrealistic expectations and making women put undue pressure on themselves.

I work in sexual violence/previously in the police don’t even start, if he knows she doesn’t want sex, pesters, summonses and pressures her with consequences to saying no then it’s coercion.

rape and sexual violence occurs in a wide range of situations and contexts.

She’s not freely consenting, if he knows that but continues, it’s rape.

Whereas I know plenty of older women who complain that their husbands and partners don’t want sex/lost their sex drive so it’s an individual thing. Plus just read the threads on here, lots of women in sexless marriages that don’t want to be.

Said with love and compassion, it IS rape. It may not be the same as another rape, but it still is, both legally and in other ways.

This thread, and others like it, illustrate exactly how easy it is to accuse.

Some are entirely ignoring the nuance. @isitenoughnow has not told her husband she doesn't want sex. They have an intimacy issue, yes, however the primary issue is communication. Sulking is a dreadful way of expressing unhappiness, but the OP isn't being honest with him! She's avoiding telling him the difficult truth. As it stands, the OP has two choices - tell her husband she wants an entirely sexless marriage and afford him the opportunity to leave, or continue to pretend that she wants to have sex but it's 'just' that she has a lower sex drive than his. Maybe the suggestions about taking steps to improve her libido will be helpful, because she's made clear she wants to stay married.

@isitenoughnow remember you have no idea from whom you're seeking advice on here. It's essentially akin to going round a pub and asking individual strangers their opinion/advice. I find the advice on here to be, frequently, extremist. My advice would be to search online for articles and advice from trusted/trained sources, because your issue is not uncommon.

I have been married now for more than 30 years. IME sex drive does go up and down at various stages. I recall when we had small children sex just went out of the window and we had to work hard to make time, but there were a number of months when we did not have sex at all. For us and for many couples though it changes and does come back. Communication is important and OP I would encourage you both to have a very open discussion on where you are and what you both want. There have been times when I have had sex and I did not really feel like it. I also know there are times when I have really wanted to and DH has gone along with it, so it has worked too ways.

I would always try and save a marriage. I would look at counselling and lots of talking before I jumped anywhere near divorce, but as people age they do change and you do need to think about what your ideal future looks like.

Like you said - if.

But also, we don’t know she isn’t freely consenting.

There are many assumptions here about what she is doing and what he knows.

Nailed it.

I don't think your marriage is over. I think you have done the sensible thing. It sounds like a good marriage actually.

We have had some terrible challenges. I've not been able to have PIV sex for eight years (botched surgery) and DH has had C x 3 and loads of other issues but we are a team and til death do us part. Some of our attempts at staying on track have been laughable but it's worked for us.

The only other suggestion is you look into why you find sex so repulsive. Particularly sex with your husband. If you are going to do it anyway, would you not like to enjoy it?

Go see your GP, it may be hormonal, you don't know

OP, he is already mistreating the children, because he is mistreating you. Children are not blind. They can see the dynamic between their parents, even if the parents don't argue in front of them. Having to witness one parent mistreat the other is hugely traumatizing to kids. It is damaging in the moment and in the long run.

Children who grew up in a household were there was abuse often end up inadvertently recreating the dynamic they grew up with or eschew relationships altogether.

At this point all you can do is choose between two evils. Either way they are already being put through something horrible by their own father.

I think the thing is, forcing yourself to do something that intimate that you don't want, turns your response to repulsion. It might have started out just as lack of desire, but intensifies the more it goes on.

She has blatantly said she doesn’t want it and he doesn’t listen when she says NO.

Let me know if you want some free training 👍

Disagree.. it’s sex, hot passionate dirty sex

I wish people would stop pretending that sex without enthusiastic consent is anything but rape.

Um, because she is his wife?!?! And I assume he was / is attracted to her? And wants to be intimate with her?! And doesn't want to seek it elsewhere?!

Got to be honest and if my DH all of a sudden decided he didn't ever want to have sex again, I would be pretty angry and upset!!!

Some people on here are insane.

Anyway, OP, you are entitled to want to have sex as much or as little as you want. BUT, your husband is also entitled to the same (in contrast to MN opinions, it isn't up to the woman to make the executive decision for both of them!!!). And if you don't want to have sex with him and can't see that changing then you need to separate as it will just lead to a massive amount of resentment and unhappiness in both of you.