Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

[isitenoughnow]

I just don’t ever feel up for it. The thought makes me feel sick. But I do it, as it causes resentment from my husband if I don’t.

anyway, he’s expecting it once a week- sometimes twice ( but more rarely twice ). Usually it’s once a week.

I am going away tomorrow for 2 weeks and usually he expects it in this kind of circumstance and will summon me soon.

I feel sick thinking about it. I just don’t want to do it.

I feel resentful of myself, of my body, of him. The fact that I just have to keep doing this or otherwise it’s a problem for my marriage.

when do men stop wanting sex ? Does it really need to be a weekly thing or could it be monthly or whatever ? I just can’t take it anymore. When I say no, it’s endless begging and if I continue to say no, usually sulking.

I honestly feel like crying tonight as I know he’s going to come and request it from me.

at the weekend I was worried about him as he was out in his fast car and I thought how sad it would be if something happened. But it did cross my mind that at least I wouldn’t need to have sex anymore.

anyway, I ask again - at what age does sex drive dwindle in men ?

He's continually coercing you into sex you don't want, it's abusive and it's sad that you don't see it, to the extent that you wouldn't even advise your daughter to leave in a similar situation.

Having said that, if you never want sex again, fine, but tell him that and let him decide if he wants to stay married under those conditions

Nobody cares love.

I believe that !

He knows how I feel and that I do it for him and our marriage. To keep us together because I know it’s important to him. Neither of us want to leave the marriage.

We have it once a month, were tired from work and kids and been togdther 20 years, but we do still want to do it, just can't coordinate our tiredness. That's the key thing here, we both actually want to.
If you don't want to, and don't want to ever again with him but he does want to, reguarly, then that is a problem.
Do you ever want to, do you still actually find him attractive?
I would think about leaving tbh, you can't live in a situation where you feel forced to have sex, it will destroy you.
Does he know you feel like this?
If he doesn't then he also deserves to know that you don't want to have sex with him. Then you can make your decisions about whether it is right for you both to stay married. Marriage should also be friendship, you can't be friends with someone that you feel forced into having sex with. So what is your marriage if it is not friendship, or sex and you can't be open with him and him accepting of your feelings.

No means no. End of discussion. There should be no begging or pleading. Sounds like this is a deal breaker for him. Let him walk away. You’ll be better off emotionally without him.

He's fully aware that the ONLY reason you do it is for the marriage and that you don't want it at all? And he still begs and pleads? Quite apart from everything else that's wrong with this, he also doesn't have much self-respect, does he. If I was a man, I'd be way too proud to have sex with anyone unless they really wanted it.

Really?

Given how many men believe they need a " variety of partners" then this surely assumes it's normal for women to have an even bigger sexual appetite and even less discrimination than they do?

I'm so sorry that happened to you! Did he go to jail?

If it's any consolation, I have fully working bits and I'm 50 but have never, ever had a beautiful sex life. Not even close. I can count on the fingers of one hand the times I've had truly tender sex. Most men just jackhammer, and that includes the one I was married to for a long time. And I've never met a man who realises how sensitive women's skin is and that we like to be tenderly touched all over.

It does! It's quite a good book.

I think it was a great post.

Oh OP, I could have written this. I endured this pattern for years and years, fearful of the arguments that would eventually arise if I kept saying no. I couldn't see him as someone who cared for me in the end, and it was very damaging to me and our relationship. I ended my marriage, not only because of this, but it was a big big factor. You don't have to have sex you don't want. If I could go back in time I would hammer that home to my younger self.

If you still want to be with him, then counselling could maybe help you both to work through this. Ultimately if you never want to have sex with him again, he needs to know this so he can decide if that's a marriage he wants. If he doesn't want a sexless marriage but you do, then you have some tough decisions to make.

Good luck. Please give yourself (and follow) the same advice you'd give your daughter in the same situation xxx

The men I know who have divorced tend to get new girlfriends and have a ton of new-person sex, and to repeat the cycle. I'm getting divorced, and it's true that you have much more alone-time, but then you have the new-person times with lots and lots of sex.

Tell him to get a fuck buddy because you don’t want to have sex any more?

OP, your marriage is over. You can't continue like this and he shouldn't be forced to be in a sexless relationship.

It's the end of the road.

Divorce.

To answer your question, my DH started with performance problems in his early 50’s. He went on antidepressants, and that killed anything, so he stopped mid to late 50’s.

I actually know exactly how you feel. I’ve been there. The sulking, URGH the sulking when you’ve said or inferred NO, yeah I used to hate that so much, would make me feel worse about it all, hate it even more.
are you on any contraception?
Hormone contraception makes me feel horrible about sex and turns the drive right off.
if you are on a hormonal contraception, it could be worth coming off for a while to get your regular hormones back.
or, have you hit menopause, as that can cause a decrease in drive as well.
Other wise my final suggestion, having been in that exact situation is leave him. Leave him before he cheats and someone gets upset or something. I left, and after spending some time on my own I found my drive again with the person I couldn’t see my life without.
previously I could see my life without the other guy, via death or cheating or whatever, I just didn’t feel bothered. I think that’s because you’re not meant to be together

This is genuinely horrifying to hear. You need to contact an advice centre immediately. This is being ruled by fear. No good man would ever want to have sex with a person that they knew was crying/scared/upset to do it. Does he ever control or coerce your children in this way for any reason? Please get help, you don't deserve this.

So what about some vouchers for a sex shop?

I bought DH a gadget as a laugh when I was going to be in hospital for a month and.....well, lets just say that I'm glad I did.

I had an ex partner who put himself on the sofa for about 18mth before we split up. He withdrew all physical contact including sex, hugging, kissing. I certainly didn't beg or ask for it at any point once it stopped though.

However, I did feel embarrassed, completely undesirable, unloved, unwanted, and my self esteem was on the floor. Splitting up was the best thing to happen really.

I get that for children and financial reasons you might prefer not to split up OP, but it's not fair on either of you staying together either.

he expects it in this kind of circumstance and will summon me soon.
That is not how husband and wife are supposed to be. That is treating you as a servant who is there to 'satisfy' the master's demands.

This is going to be an unpopular opinion and I’m going to get slated - but I married this man. Marriage means something to both of us. You don’t just throw it away and give up. We have a family together, young children. Why put them through that ? I don’t have the answer but I definitely will not leave him. He can leave me if he wants to. But I will not be the one to break it apart. I’m doing what I can to keep us together by doing something I don’t really want to do, because I know it’s important to him and for me to keep my family together.

we had a long conversation last night and he knows how I feel. Sex is just not a priority for me. Many other things are important but not sex. It’s important to him. I told him the begging and pleading and bad moods need to stop. I told him to give me space for me to come to him and that at the moment, once a week is too much and can he just back the fuck off and take no for an answer.

anyway, for better or for worse. This is just the worse part- neither of us want to give up on our marriage.

yes I know I know, I’m terrible - weak- deluded - my marriage is over etc.

I just have a different opinion to you. Love is a choice, marriage is something you are in, for better or for worse and I’m not happy to just throw away the life we’ve built. Not yet, anyway.

@SlightlyBaffledBloke
I wouldn't want to be married to a man who could go through with sex with a woman who doesn't want to be there. With a woman who is distressed by what he's doing - time and time again, he's able to bring himself to climax in this situation?
In all honesty, I wouldn't cross the road to piss on such a man if he was on fire.

My marriage broke up because of this amongst other things. After menopause I became asexual. After the initial grief my life is so much happier. Divorce is not as bad as you think. I just couldn't deal with all that pestering again.
Have counselling on your own to work it all out.

Oh well, crack on then.

To answer your original question, my partner is 64yo and still up for it as often as possible, if that gives you something to look forward to.

Good luck.