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Original poster

Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

643 replies

isitenoughnow · 08/04/2025 21:38

I just don’t ever feel up for it. The thought makes me feel sick. But I do it, as it causes resentment from my husband if I don’t.

anyway, he’s expecting it once a week- sometimes twice ( but more rarely twice ). Usually it’s once a week.

I am going away tomorrow for 2 weeks and usually he expects it in this kind of circumstance and will summon me soon.

I feel sick thinking about it. I just don’t want to do it.

I feel resentful of myself, of my body, of him. The fact that I just have to keep doing this or otherwise it’s a problem for my marriage.

when do men stop wanting sex ? Does it really need to be a weekly thing or could it be monthly or whatever ? I just can’t take it anymore. When I say no, it’s endless begging and if I continue to say no, usually sulking.

I honestly feel like crying tonight as I know he’s going to come and request it from me.

at the weekend I was worried about him as he was out in his fast car and I thought how sad it would be if something happened. But it did cross my mind that at least I wouldn’t need to have sex anymore.

anyway, I ask again - at what age does sex drive dwindle in men ?

OP posts:
Franjipanl8r · 09/04/2025 01:27

@SlightlyBaffledBloke are you messaging from the Georgian era when men owned women like a possession?! Nowadays we have something called “consent”.

Jumpingthruhoops · 09/04/2025 01:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Why should he shut up!? I don't agree with a number of his opinions - but he's more than within his rights to voice them. There's really no need to be rude.

Jumpingthruhoops · 09/04/2025 01:38

This thread really isn’t the place for male input.

Eh? The OP literally asked: 'At what age does sex drive dwindle in men?'

Given that a man is arguably best placed to answer this exact question, I'd say this male's input is even more valuable than yours.

Maitri108 · 09/04/2025 01:40

@SlightlyBaffledBloke

Are you aware that you're taking the side of a rapist? You're trying to justify the behaviour of a man who 'summons' his wife to sex she doesn't want.

"I just don’t ever feel up for it. The thought makes me feel sick. But I do it, as it causes resentment from my husband if I don’t.
anyway, he’s expecting it once a week- sometimes twice ( but more rarely twice ).

Usually it’s once a week.

I am going away tomorrow for 2 weeks and usually he expects it in this kind of circumstance and will summon me soon.

I feel sick thinking about it. I just don’t want to do it.

I feel resentful of myself, of my body, of him. The fact that I just have to keep doing this or otherwise it’s a problem for my marriage.
when do men stop wanting sex ? Does it really need to be a weekly thing or could it be monthly or whatever ? I just can’t take it anymore. When I say no, it’s endless begging and if I continue to say no, usually sulking".

Do the bits I've highlighted show enthusiastic consent? They're the words of a woman being pressured into sex she doesn't want.

Pressuring someone into sex is rape under the law. You need freedom of choice to consent, does the above look like freedom of choice?

You can blather on all day about sex being integral to marriage, actually it's not. All kinds of people get married: asexuals, people with disabilities, people with mental health problems, people with no sex drive etc

No one is entitled to sex, the marriage certificate doesn't override consent. If sex is no longer on the table, you can choose to leave. You don't have the right to summon someone and bully someone into acts they don't want to do.

And no, you're not being kind.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 09/04/2025 02:22

Jumpingthruhoops · 09/04/2025 01:38

This thread really isn’t the place for male input.

Eh? The OP literally asked: 'At what age does sex drive dwindle in men?'

Given that a man is arguably best placed to answer this exact question, I'd say this male's input is even more valuable than yours.

He didn't answer that question though, did he.

Just tried to gaslight the OP into thinking she owes her husband sex because it's 'implied' in their marriage vows.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 09/04/2025 02:32

UndermyShoeJoe · 08/04/2025 22:14

Genuine question here.

So I say to dh. We have to have sex once a week minimum or I will leave you as I’m not willing to do less. I’m happy to leave in that sense but he doesn’t want me to leave.

Coercive or laying down my cards.

Black and white or shades of grey.

Show quote history

Yes, thats coersion and not okay.

Jumpingthruhoops · 09/04/2025 02:36

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 09/04/2025 02:22

He didn't answer that question though, did he.

Just tried to gaslight the OP into thinking she owes her husband sex because it's 'implied' in their marriage vows.

Show quote history

PP offered an opinion from a male perspective. And whether you like/agree with that opinion or not, he IS allowed to air it and will have lots of people agreeing with him. Sex is a core part of a marriage; OP doesn't want that, so needs to decide whether this 'marriage' is still right for her.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm · 09/04/2025 02:53

My wife was like you, OP. I left her and found a woman who wasn't. We were both much happier.

kkloo · 09/04/2025 02:59

DorothyStorm · 08/04/2025 22:42

It doesnt sound like it is the frequency with you, but that you have to do it at all.

have you considered therapy to unpick why? At keast then youll be confidently armed with knowledge.

Whatever the initial reason was has no doubt been dwarfed now by the trauma her body will associate with her husband due to all the sex he coerced her into.

Anxious2024 · 09/04/2025 03:00

isitenoughnow · 08/04/2025 22:02

I don’t know what I would tell her. We have a family together and a life together. Is the grass greener ? To go through a divorce is a massive thing.

Show quote history

@isitenoughnow yes divorce is daunting, but it is doable and in my experience of mine, completely liberating. Alongside the birth of my dc, my divorce is the best thing that has happened to me. I was very scared of the process beforehand, but surprised myself with my own determination that gathered momentum as I went through it.

I would say that a life free of being coerced into having sex is a life where the grass is greener, regardless of what happens afterwards.

It is appalling that your husband thinks it is okay for you to have sex that you do not want.

kkloo · 09/04/2025 03:03

SlightlyBaffledBloke · 09/04/2025 00:16

Reading this thread as a man made me want to sign up and reply. I hope what I say is kind and thoughtful because I am not a natural writer and I mean you well, OP.

That said I have been appalled by the tenor of many of the replies here.

You married this man. You entered into a relationship where the very vows you take - to love, cherish and adore, to have and to hold - imply a degree of physical intimacy that doesn't exist in other partnerships. Sex is integral to marriage.

Your husband is a man like me and like millions of others. If he is a normal man then sex isn't some optional extra. It is one of the main ways he feels close to you. It is the thing that separates you from other women. It is the thing in his mind that makes you his.

Consider this from his perspective: You love him but you don't really want to touch him. What would you say to a person who said "I love my baby but I cannot bear to pick it up or give it physical affection"? He feels crushed and rejected, I would bet, by the woman he loves.

I have read people here say, outrageously, that he is "coercing" you. I would say that this is a terrible and unjustified attack on him. He is instead being honest: He desires you and he is hurt and upset that you do not desire him in return. You offered an open marriage and he was horrified, you say: Is that the behaviour of a man who just wants sex, or the conduct of a man who specifically wants sex with you? I would say the latter.

Of course he sulks, as you put it. You are hurting him. Because he married you in part because he valued your sexual relationship. He didn't marry you solely because you are friends, or he would have married one of his mates instead. He married you because Sex was integral to the whole deal.

Now later in life (sorry I don't know how old you are) you have altered the deal. You are within your rights to do so.

But.

Doesn't your husband deserve somebody who loves him and actually wants him? And who desires him as much as he desires her? I think he does because I think we all do.

And I think you should either try and do something about your sex drive, or you should be honest with him AND give him the chance to walk away if he wants. He is not being unreasonable here.

(Note: I am NOT saying that every man wants needs or deserves sex twice a week. Or anything like that. Or that it is something women have to offer up. What I am saying is that one partner doing what OP is doing and saying she wishes to take sex off the menu is as destructive to a marriage as almost anything else).

It won't be possible to do something about her sex drive when she's with this man. There is no way for her body and mind to crave him when he's coerced her into all that sex knowing full well that she didn't want it.

Xwx1010 · 09/04/2025 03:08

isitenoughnow · 08/04/2025 21:49

He begs and begs and begs. I usually give in. If I am very firm, he sometimes leaves it be, but I have to say no 1 million times.

if I say no a few times, say twice in a row - let’s say then we haven’t done it for a couple of weeks, he gets pissed off. I feel like he is more on edge generally and not happy/ nice to me if we don’t have sex regularly. He’s not an abuser, he’s just frustrated if he doesn’t get it.

Show quote history

I’m sorry OP this is blunt but you are being pressured and coerced into sex.
consent requires capacity, choice and freedom. You don’t have the freedom element as they’re are consequences to saying no and so you ‘go along with it’.
the fact you have to say no more than once and are clearly unenthusiastic about it means your husband clearly knows you do not want to do it - but continues anyway.
if you were to speak to the police this would be considered rape. I know this is horrible to hear but please see the gravity of what’s happening.

kkloo · 09/04/2025 03:10

amele · 08/04/2025 22:08

How is op in an abusive marriage!? In a marriage both parties would have sex with one another with consent of course, he isn’t raping her! , it’s not fair on the man to go without and likewise if it was the woman in his position, when ur partner keeps refusing you for sex it’s only normal that you would start to look elsewhere and it will be a problematic marriage. The issue here is the OP, you either have a very low sex drive or none at all, speaking with a professional will help and also speak to ur dh, so he understands but be prepared for him to not accept a sexless marriage.

Yes @amele......consent.

He's not taking no for an answer, he pesters and pesters until she agrees, that's not consent.

And yes it does make for a problematic marriage if one wants sex and the other doesn't, that doesn't mean that someone can coerce their partner into having sex. It means you have a problematic marriage, and it doesn't become less problematic by coercing your partner into sex.

Meadowfinch · 09/04/2025 03:13

SALaw · 08/04/2025 22:37

How would men like this “cope” if they found themselves single?! Surely they are better to have sex occasionally with a willing partner than pester for more, risking divorce and a potentially much longer dry spell because they are single?

They pay for it.

Xwx1010 · 09/04/2025 03:13

And absolutely NO-ONE is ENTITLED to sex because they are married. What an utterly appalling thing to imply.

TheGaaTheSkaAndTheRa · 09/04/2025 03:40

Have a conversation with him where you tell him you are done with a sex life. If he wants to leave you and divorce, them fine but give him that choice.

At least this way, you are being honest and can stop having unwanted sex and he can choose to buy a Fleshlight, a blow up doll or something or find a FWB - whatever it takes.

You need to tell him you are done with it and let the cookie crumble.

tillylula · 09/04/2025 04:08

All I can say is, you're not alone. I have experienced the same thing. I'm in bed nodding off and he'd come in and try it on, touching, dry humping ect... after ignoring me all day & evening. Id give in eventually so i could just go to sleep.

ChkChkBoom · 09/04/2025 04:09

There's a difference between coercion and a wife/husband wanting a straight answer. The crux here is that the OP wants a marriage without sex, but doesn't want to tell her husband that is what she wants!

This is a dilemma that appears on here regularly. Anecdotal (it won't apply to all) but in general it would appear more common for the woman's sex drive to dwindle before the man's.
The most likely scenario on the question of when will my husband stop desiring sex with me is, in all likelihood, when he stops finding you desirable. My husband has what I'd call a typically male sex drive (he'd never say no 😂). Mine is probably lower, but if my drive was to dwindle entirely, I'm certain I'd still want my husband to fancy me (gosh, aren't we complex creatures! 😂).

user1492757084 · 09/04/2025 04:27

Op, you don't need to ever give in to unwanted sex.
Stop doing so.
Be honest and take the consequences.
It's not as if it is a one off pretend on your behalf.

Say - I'm no longer interested in sex, I'm not turned on any more. I do not want to seek professional help as I feel best being asexual. The sexual part of our marriage agreement I can no longer keep. Feel free to leave and find a more fulfilling partnership. Please stop expecting sex as part of what I will ever offer. Please stop asking for sex.

If the boot were on the other foot.. In good faith, I could not stay married to a man who does not give my physical needs any consideration. I would hate to feel like my husband is just doing rote sex, with me having to initiate the contact, suggest the liason and try to be attractive enough to be sexy in his eyes. Your husband deserves better.

Op, workout your financial and material split and leave. Your husband might want to find some one new.
You, Op, should consider how to find fulfilment in a celibate, single life.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 09/04/2025 04:58

"The fact that I just have to keep doing this or otherwise it’s a problem for my marriage."

Yup, that's marriage. Why do you think I'd never get married again?

To answer your question, I think it varies tremendously. I'm 50 and have a 60-year-old lover, and he's very sex-focused. I had another one who was 64 and he was the same. But there are many men who are low-drive, too.

I'm sorry you've lost your mojo in that department. It must be a complete turn-off feeling pestered and like you have to do it. You have my sympathies. Mismatched sex drives are a difficult thing to handle in a marriage.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 09/04/2025 05:14

Iwrotethelyricstoaxlf · 08/04/2025 22:08

I can resonate with this.

I used to love sex. We used to have absolutely toe curling sex.

Now I just want to curl up with a book.

I think it’s partly me being menopausal, and partly just wanting a bit of variety.

I need to fall in love again. With DH. Just a hit hard after 25 years.

Show quote history

There's a book called "Untrue" by a female author who is convinced that women need variety of partners more than men do, and that's why we tend to go off sex with them while they're still going strong. The author's name is Wednesday Martin.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 09/04/2025 05:17

OP - the begging and begging and pestering sounds absolutely awful. What a complete turn-off.

Shesnotveryself · 09/04/2025 05:19

For those saying he desires you. Bullshit. He's treating you with no more consideration than a sock he wanks into. It's grim that he hounds you for sex. That's not love or empathy. I can't imagine repeatedly forcing someone out of "duty".

You may not want sex OP, but are you physically attracted to your husband, do you actually like him as a person?

ThisFluentBiscuit · 09/04/2025 05:23

Pigeonqueen · 08/04/2025 22:15

If you hated coffee and someone kept telling you to have coffee, and sulked if you didn’t have coffee and bullied you into having a coffee at least once a week otherwise you knew they’d be moody with you about not liking coffee, you’d never want to see another fucking cup of coffee ever again.

Show quote history

Precisely.

Mismatched drives are very hard to overcome. It's a real trap in marriage, actually.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 09/04/2025 05:25

isitenoughnow · 08/04/2025 21:49

He begs and begs and begs. I usually give in. If I am very firm, he sometimes leaves it be, but I have to say no 1 million times.

if I say no a few times, say twice in a row - let’s say then we haven’t done it for a couple of weeks, he gets pissed off. I feel like he is more on edge generally and not happy/ nice to me if we don’t have sex regularly. He’s not an abuser, he’s just frustrated if he doesn’t get it.

Show quote history

He is an abuser. He knows you don’t want sex.