Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

[isitenoughnow]

I just don’t ever feel up for it. The thought makes me feel sick. But I do it, as it causes resentment from my husband if I don’t.

anyway, he’s expecting it once a week- sometimes twice ( but more rarely twice ). Usually it’s once a week.

I am going away tomorrow for 2 weeks and usually he expects it in this kind of circumstance and will summon me soon.

I feel sick thinking about it. I just don’t want to do it.

I feel resentful of myself, of my body, of him. The fact that I just have to keep doing this or otherwise it’s a problem for my marriage.

when do men stop wanting sex ? Does it really need to be a weekly thing or could it be monthly or whatever ? I just can’t take it anymore. When I say no, it’s endless begging and if I continue to say no, usually sulking.

I honestly feel like crying tonight as I know he’s going to come and request it from me.

at the weekend I was worried about him as he was out in his fast car and I thought how sad it would be if something happened. But it did cross my mind that at least I wouldn’t need to have sex anymore.

anyway, I ask again - at what age does sex drive dwindle in men ?

@Riaanna Absolutely, it must be miserable for both of them.

If my DH felt physically sick at the thought of sex with me, I’d want him to end it, tbh. Who wants a partner who is grossed out by you?

I said upthread that ny DH’s weight gain irritates me as he’s not trying to lose it- but I’m not grossed out by him, I just want him to cut down on the snacks.

https://bmjopen.bmj.com/content/7/9/e016942

British Medical Journal article about how many women get bored of sex more quickly than men in a long-term relationship.

Then the answer is she says I don’t think this relationship is working out any more. We appear to be incompatible sexually at this point and so I think we should formally separate and go our alternate ways so we can both have our needs met elsewhere.

Good sex starts in the head. For many people the lack of mental foreplay and general consideration in living arrangements kills physical desire stone dead.

You’ve concluded based on very limited information that she’s been coerced. There isn’t sufficient information on this thread. Read the CPS link I shared. This would not qualify as coercion.

Also note when it comes to legal proceedings it would be noted that the OP did not use the word harass. That’s another conclusion you reached. Suppose on examination it became clear he asks her three times over the course of 5 hours. You still call that harassment.

10am. You in the mood. no
1pm. You in the mood. No.
7 pm. You in the mood? Fine go on then.

You’ve reached a number of reaching conclusions and have made assumptions about interaction based on nothing. And when questioned she doesn’t want him to destroy the marriage. You’re not seeing past the end of your nose.

@Maitri108 So why doesn’t she end the relationship? She’s sickened by the thought of sex with him - surely that’s a reason for her to end it, isn’t it? Could you be in a relationship with someone who sickened you?

I can’t understand why she doesn’t. 🤷

Op, do you have a good emotional connection with your DH?

I find that I can also go a good while without the need for sex but DH is still like a horny teen. For me I need that emotion connection that sometimes we let slip with the hectic every day life. Do you get much 1:1 time together to have fun / date nights? I find that really helps being the connection and in turn sex back.

It seems to be all about what OP wants. Not what's best for the children or her DH. They won't be able to give the children a lovely family life when there are issues like this.

It's far less than a priority for you. You said if he died at least there wouldn't be any more sex. Awful thing to say .

FGS , let him go and find happiness with another woman who enjoys a normal sex life .

@Resilience Yes! If my DH has been talking about finances all evening, for example, or what we need to get done in the house, I find myself completely uninterested in sex. 🤣 If we’ve been out having fun, however, it’s a different story!

I agree that they won't be able to give the children a lovely family life. I would've ended the marriage the first time I was pestered for sex after saying no to be honest.

The marriage is over but neither of them are accepting of that.

She has said a certain amount. She has said “he knows it is not my priority” but then posted here how she really feels.

Many, many posts on here ask her specifically what she has said and why she hasn’t be completely honest with him. She has been posing yet ducked that question. That is sufficient to get a good indication as to what she has said.

Her description of if he left her also speaks to how she would behave, and again when challenged specially on that she doesn’t respond.

Her avoidance of answering difficult questions on here seems to mirror her avoidance of difficult conversations with her husband.

OP I have similar views with you on marriage and family, for me a sex issue in a marriage is not enough to break it. MN is full of people telling you if anything is less than perfect in a marriage then the solution is LTB but sometimes that is the worst solution for the particular people involved. I went through a similar phase but DH wasn't so much a pest as yours, but my feelings were similar. I tolerated 'duty sex' about twice a month and that kept the problem at bay, but didn't help the relationship. I mentioned it once on MN and was torn apart by people telling me it's wrong / abuse etc but I disagree, sometimes it's worth it and I think the alternative they were suggesting (separation) is a million times worse.

First I don't think you can say you never would again. You don't know that. If you have never been left to your own devices for a long period of time then you don't know what your libido is. I think you need to agree a period of abstinence with your DH, a month or two, maybe more and really see how you feel. You might get a bit in the mood only at ovulation time or not at all, but you need to see what would be optimal for you. I think he would be very unreasonable to not agree to this break, in the overall scheme of things it's not that long to ask. Then talk very very openly about how you want to proceed. Ideally with counselling. If you can agree to once a fortnight and he agrees to never request it then that's a compromise. Not ideal but better than where you are now.

If either of you can't agree any compromise then plan B probably is separation, maybe an open marriage, or as @ThisFluentBiscuit biscuit suggests, a discrete affair with a blind eye turned. Not ideal at all.

Fwiw my situation is much better. Dh had some counselling for other issues and is much more understanding about my feelings. I try to spend time with him in a positive way and try to channel that affection into sexual energy, sometimes it's still just dutiful but sometimes very nice. It's not that often, about twice or three times a month. We had drifted in many ways and needed to spend a lot more time together as a couple before we could really address intimacy.

Her description of if her left her was in response to someone saying he can still have his family if he left. Obviously that wouldn't be the case because they wouldn't be a family any more.

People are filling in the gaps to suit their narrative.

It's the nature of abuse, it's complex. Many victims of abuse are in denial and minimise what's happening to them.

You often hear survivors say that it was when they left the relationship, they could see how abusive it was. Many are shocked when abuse is pointed out to them.

Abuse often happens slowly over time and you gradually get used to it and minimise it. For example, "He's just concerned about me, that's why he's tracking me." "He's only jealous because he loves me so much."

Leaving a marriage is difficult especially if you aren't able to support yourself or don't want to split up the family. Many women buy into the notion that men are entitled to sex.

You can see on this thread people telling her that her husband has needs and just desires her. I remember a woman who was being regularly assaulted by her husband and her friend said she was lucky he fancied her so much.

Her ealier post was:

"**thats his choice then, to leave his family. He has to deal with being the one who did it."

The later response was about still having the family.

When asked if she would then blame him entirely for the failure of the marriage or take any accountability for her role in it? Crickets.

Actually that’s not what is being said.

What is being said is:

Wanting intimacy in a marriage is fine.
Not wanting to have intimacy in your marriage is fine.
Not being honest about your partner making you feel sick is not fine.
Not being honest about not wanting sex ever again is not fine.
The marriage has no future because they cannot be happy together.

The End.

@Maitri108 What would you do if you felt physically sick by the thought of sex with your partner?

Definitely have sex with him and then accuse him of rape.

Disturbingly likely.

In response to this:

''Just wait until he finds a warm, earthy affair with someone who wants him - because he will, because this isn't sustainable. Your marriage will be toast.''

I think context is important.

I'm not sure what else she can say in response to someone gleefully hoping he'll have an affair.

I think the problem is that the OP is traumatised and it's perfectly natural to feel sick if someone is regularly assaulting you.

I can't imagine that she's an enthusiastic participant since she's been worn down by nagging, and it would be obvious that she wasn't willing.

I wouldn't pressurise someone into having sex with me because I don't want non consensual sex. If I found out that someone found me repulsive, I'd finish the relationship.

You’re horrible lmaoooooo

So you want to stay with him purely on your terms because you want to corner him into being the one who leaves so you don’t feel guilty over it.

Damn, I hope this poor sucker leaves for the sake of everyone involved.

@Maitri108 Why wouldn’t you end the relationship though, if you’re repulsed by your partner?

Surely most ppl don’t want be married to someone whom they find repulsive? That’s the part I can’t understand- why doesn’t she end it?

She wants to stay married and thinks that by having unwanted sex, she'll keep her marriage.