Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

[isitenoughnow]

I just don’t ever feel up for it. The thought makes me feel sick. But I do it, as it causes resentment from my husband if I don’t.

anyway, he’s expecting it once a week- sometimes twice ( but more rarely twice ). Usually it’s once a week.

I am going away tomorrow for 2 weeks and usually he expects it in this kind of circumstance and will summon me soon.

I feel sick thinking about it. I just don’t want to do it.

I feel resentful of myself, of my body, of him. The fact that I just have to keep doing this or otherwise it’s a problem for my marriage.

when do men stop wanting sex ? Does it really need to be a weekly thing or could it be monthly or whatever ? I just can’t take it anymore. When I say no, it’s endless begging and if I continue to say no, usually sulking.

I honestly feel like crying tonight as I know he’s going to come and request it from me.

at the weekend I was worried about him as he was out in his fast car and I thought how sad it would be if something happened. But it did cross my mind that at least I wouldn’t need to have sex anymore.

anyway, I ask again - at what age does sex drive dwindle in men ?

Curious what should her OH do?

He can’t encourage or actively seek sex from his wife.
He can’t have sex outside the marriage.
He can’t leave the marriage because he would be destroying the family.
And he isn’t given the benefit of making an informed decision.

What should he do? And does the OP have no responsibility at all?

Her husband should either accept a sexless marriage or move on. It's really not rocket science.

She’s treating him badly. This isn’t a case of man’s wrong woman’s right. She has no more right to expect him to live a life without sex than he does to expect her to have sex when she doesn’t want it. But she needs to be honest and absolutely step away from the suggestion that he’s destroying the family.

Only he hasn’t been clearly told that and in the context of him moving on the OP is making statements about him destroying their family. Why is that on him?

I hope OP isn't using the children as a threat.

Her recent comments scream emotional blackmail.

Perhaps not but I will take solace that I understand more than you.

Like what rape is. And being able to detect BS from someone fishing for justification for their mistreatment of their husband.

Why would she? OP has made it very clear that neither she or DH are happy to end the marriage unless it involves physical abuse or cheating.

Having thought this over, via a nice cup of tea, I'm convinced that the French solution to mismatched sex drives is the best and most practical. (That is, discreet affairs with the knowledge of the other spouse, although not knowing many details.)

Sexless marriages are very common, or marriages where there is much less sex than one partner would like. However, saying goodbye forever to someone you love, likely your best friend, breaking up your children's home, not being able to enjoy holidays and eventually weddings and grandchildren together, over sex, is just insane. Not to mention really, really sad.

If people were less possessive and more willing to see their spouses as their own special property, maybe they'd be less upset over the idea of them having sex elsewhere. It takes an acceptance that if you don't want to have sex with them, you want them to be happy and you're OK with them having it elsewhere. That takes generosity and maturity.

There are SO many marriages in trouble sexually that I do think discreet, agreed-upon affairs could actually save so many marriages and homes. As long as the other spouse has given permission and there is an agreement, not sneaking off to have an affair behind someone's back.

So, OP, that's my magic solution. Give him permission to have sex elsewhere, but put down some ground rules: Must get himself and his partners tested; his affairs mustn't take time, affection, and money away from you and the family any more than a new male friend would, and that you don't want the details.

You do run the risk of him falling in love, but closed marriages are also risky in that your partner can always have an affair behind your back and break your heart. There is always some risk in love.

At least with this solution, no home gets broken up, no one is lying, and each party gets what they want - sex and no sex.

That is not the option being offered.

He is being lied to. What she tells him and what she has expressed here is very different.

Sounds like he is being emotionally blackmailed with his children weaponised against him.

All so she doesn't have to have an honest conversation.

It's very obvious that you don't have a clue what you're on about. You're saying a victim of abuse is mistreating her abuser. Coerced sex is rape as defined under the 2003 Sexual Offences Act. I quoted it earlier.

She says that is the situation. Yet she is also not willing to be honest with him about the situation and even to unknown people on the internet she is willing to make clear she will blame him if the marriage ends and any impact on the children.

We can’t trust her opinion on what the husband thinks.

He doesn't want to end the marriage at the moment as he doesn't know that he makes her feel physically sick.

It sounds as if you’re no longer physically attracted to him at all, OP. Is that the case?

It’s very difficult when that happens in a LTR, because it feels like a huge rejection. Yes, sex is only one aspect of a loving relationship, but to realize that your partner no longer wants you is horrible.

I’ve struggled with this myself tbh due to DH’s weight gain and I know it upsets him. A part of it in my case is resentment, because I can’t understand why a healthy man with no health conditions isn’t doing anything about it. It would be different if he had a medical condition that caused it.

I don’t know what’s behind your lack of interest, but it might be worth trying to explore this and seeing whether you can regain your attraction to him. You sound fairly young and it would be a shame for both of you to be stuck in an unhappy relationship.

You have not quoted anything about coerced sex being rape. You’ve posted about consent.

If this went to the CPS they would laugh.

Read up on coercion. He would nag is not a fear. People nag. All the time.

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

Particularly in the context of her not being afraid to leave the marriage but actively not wanting to.

@OctoberandApril Yes, if it’s that awful for her then she really needs to end the relationship.

No one should continue a marriage with someone who makes them feel physically sick!

This thread is like a parallel universe.

Coerced sex is rape. You can only consent to sex if you have the freedom and capacity to do so. Being pressured or coerced to have sex is not consensual.

You should have said you didn't understand and I would have explained again.

Or be coerced into staying in a marriage where the other person feels like that about you!

I really hope she isn’t being funded by this guy.

I honestly think the OP at this point wants everyone to say she’s in the right and her husband has no right to want an intimate relationship anymore as she doesn’t. He’ll be an awful person if he alone breaks up the marriage and then she can tell everyone that he’s at fault and it was nothing to do with her.

And, again, she has the freedom and capacity to say no.

You haven't given a feasible explanation of how the OP is pressuring her husband to stay married.

It is this.

OP hasn't really gone into much detail about what she's actually said to him. She has said that they have talked about it many times, she has said he knows that she doesn't want sex and that's about it. I think a lot of people are filling in the gaps themselves and making a lot of assumptions.

OP responded to someone saying that her DH can leave but still have his family and whilst he'd obviously still see his children, OP is currently part of that family which is what I assumed OP was meaning. Especially as she has said herself that she doesn't want to leave because she doesn't want to break up the family.

She is not being honest with him about the reality of the situation he’s found himself in.

She doesn't because she's being coerced. She is being pressured to have sex she doesn't want.

She has explained how she says no to sex (does not consent), and her husband harasses her to have sex until she gives in. Putting pressure on someone to do something is not consensual it's coercive.