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Original poster

Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

643 replies

isitenoughnow · 08/04/2025 21:38

I just don’t ever feel up for it. The thought makes me feel sick. But I do it, as it causes resentment from my husband if I don’t.

anyway, he’s expecting it once a week- sometimes twice ( but more rarely twice ). Usually it’s once a week.

I am going away tomorrow for 2 weeks and usually he expects it in this kind of circumstance and will summon me soon.

I feel sick thinking about it. I just don’t want to do it.

I feel resentful of myself, of my body, of him. The fact that I just have to keep doing this or otherwise it’s a problem for my marriage.

when do men stop wanting sex ? Does it really need to be a weekly thing or could it be monthly or whatever ? I just can’t take it anymore. When I say no, it’s endless begging and if I continue to say no, usually sulking.

I honestly feel like crying tonight as I know he’s going to come and request it from me.

at the weekend I was worried about him as he was out in his fast car and I thought how sad it would be if something happened. But it did cross my mind that at least I wouldn’t need to have sex anymore.

anyway, I ask again - at what age does sex drive dwindle in men ?

OP posts:
couchparsnip · 09/04/2025 15:43

OP you are saying he 'needs' sex. He doesn't, he just wants it. He's not entitled to have sex if you don't want it.
He won't explode or get sick f he doesn't have sex. He can masturbate if he feels the need.
We need to get away from this myth that women should agree to sex just because a man says he 'needs' it.
Your sex drives aren't compatible. He will have to either live with that or not. He doesn't get to treat you badly because of it. Which is what he's doing now.

Maitri108 · 09/04/2025 15:43

Riaanna · 09/04/2025 15:42

Right? And she does have the freedom and capacity to make the choice.

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Being deliberately obtuse isn't as cute as you think it is. I've already explained what freedom to make a choice means.

Riaanna · 09/04/2025 15:44

isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 15:42

Foolishly ? He knows

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He knows what? That you never ever want to have sex with ever again and you want a sexless marriage? You’ve stated that clearly and calmly not during a row?

Thisistyresome · 09/04/2025 15:44

Maitri108 · 09/04/2025 15:41

You're completely dismissing what the OP has said and have minimised it for reasons of your own.

The OP says that she says no and he begs and harasses her until she gives in. She doesn't say that he has a bit of a grump. She says that he doesn't stop until she gives in.

If she was freely consenting, he wouldn't have to beg.

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Just searched the term "harass" is not used once by the OP.

So again you lied about what others have said. You must recognise how weak your position is.

Original poster
isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 15:44

And I do have sex with him! Fuck sake. but he knows it’s not a priority for me.

OP posts:
Riaanna · 09/04/2025 15:44

Maitri108 · 09/04/2025 15:43

Being deliberately obtuse isn't as cute as you think it is. I've already explained what freedom to make a choice means.

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Freedom of choice is “I don’t want to get a divorce”. She is quite capable of walking away from this situation at any given minute.

Maitri108 · 09/04/2025 15:46

Thisistyresome · 09/04/2025 15:44

Just searched the term "harass" is not used once by the OP.

So again you lied about what others have said. You must recognise how weak your position is.

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He begs and begs and begs. I usually give in. If I am very firm, he sometimes leaves it be, but I have to say no 1 million times.

Having to say no a million times to something is harassment.

OctoberandApril · 09/04/2025 15:46

isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 15:43

@ThisFluentBiscuitthats his choice then, to leave his family. He has to deal with being the one who did it.

He could leave you but still have his family.

I'm beginning to think this thread is a wind up.

Thisistyresome · 09/04/2025 15:47

isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 15:42

Foolishly ? He knows

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Does he?

Have you sat him down and said
“at this point I don’t ever want to have sex again”
Or have you just behaved as you mentioned in earlier posts?

You say you threw out the “get it elsewhere” line in an argument.
Bit have you ever sat him down to have a sober conversation about the possibility of opening up the marriage on his side?

Original poster
isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 15:47

How can he leave and still have his family ? The family will be broken. The family is us two and our kids. Which he’d be breaking.

OP posts:
ThisFluentBiscuit · 09/04/2025 15:49

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 09/04/2025 08:20

I think it is normal.

Mine went at 48. All of my friends of similar ages have no interest.

From a biological point of view why would an older women need to have sex?

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I'm 50 and gunning for it. But perhaps that's the result of having being pretty much deprived of it for so long, between a sexless marriage and then being single.

OctoberandApril · 09/04/2025 15:49

isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 15:47

How can he leave and still have his family ? The family will be broken. The family is us two and our kids. Which he’d be breaking.

He will still see his children if he moved on with someone else. You don't get a say in that.

ChkChkBoom · 09/04/2025 15:50

neverbeenskiing · 09/04/2025 15:27

we had a long conversation last night and he knows how I feel. Sex is just not a priority for me. Many other things are important but not sex. It’s important to him. I told him the begging and pleading and bad moods need to stop. I told him to give me space for me to come to him and that at the moment, once a week is too much and can he just back the fuck off and take no for an answer.

He doesn't know how you feel at all.

You've told him "sex is just not a priority for me"

You've told us you hate having sex with him, that it makes you feel physically sick, that even the thought of having sex with him makes you want to cry and that you've had thoughts about how if you died at least you'd never have to have sex with him again.

There is a massive difference between those two statements!

You're absolutely right that the begging and pleading is not OK (not to mention deeply unattractive) and needs to stop. But you've now basically told your DH he's not allowed to initiate sex at all, he has to "wait for you to come to him". Considering the thought of sex with him makes you want to cry and throw up that's not likely to happen is it? Once a week is too much for you because you hate it and don't want it at all, ever so why not just be honest and tell him that you want a sexless marraige? Telling him he has to wait for you to initiate sex, and then never initiating sex doesn't seem like a great long term strategy.

you've had thoughts about how if you died at least you'd never have to have sex with him again.

She actually said if he died. An awful thing to say. She should tell him about her thoughts, see how keen he is to remain in the 'loving' marriage.

Thisistyresome · 09/04/2025 15:51

isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 15:43

@ThisFluentBiscuitthats his choice then, to leave his family. He has to deal with being the one who did it.

Hang on then.

So your position is that you don't want sex and you are unwilling to let him seek it elsewhere?

And if he were to leave due to lack of sex, you would not consider yourself in anyway responsible for the failure of the marriage and look to blame him?

CantStopMoving · 09/04/2025 15:53

isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 15:47

How can he leave and still have his family ? The family will be broken. The family is us two and our kids. Which he’d be breaking.

Because he will still be his children’s father?

he wouldn’t be breaking anything. He’d simply be acknowledging that you would be a happier family if you were with other people.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 09/04/2025 15:58

MiserableMrsMopp · 09/04/2025 09:05

Are you aware of the changes the female body goes though prior to and after menopause?

Here are some of the changes. These occur in at least 50% of women and can start up to 10 years BEFORE menopause (so at 40ish).

  • Dryness.
  • Shrinking of tissues.
  • Disappearance of labia minora.
  • Contraction of the vaginal tissue and muscles.
  • Pain during intercourse.
  • Problems urinating.
  • Shrinkage of the clitoris, making orgasm weak and at times inability to orgasm.
  • Loss of libido.
  • Tissues sticking/fusing together.
  • Adhesions on tissues (can be inside and outside the vagina, on the vulva, on the clitoris, over the urethra).
  • Splitting, tearing and bleeding of the vaginal, vulval and clitoral tissues when sex is forced past the level of discomfort.

This means that a large percentage of womens bodies physically find it hard to have sex after 40ish.

You refer to her lack of sex drive. It isn't just a reduction in libido. It's a physical body problem. In a man the equivalent would be shrunken penis, lack of seminal fluid/inability to orgasm, pain during sex. Would you advise a man in that situation to push on through to force himself to have sex even when he was in pain while doing it? Would you advise that man's wife to leave him, because he wasn't physically capable of sex? Would you imply he was wrong and selfish for not wanting to undergo an act that was bad for his body and painful?

Far too many of us (women as well as men) don't understand the physical changes that will happen to most (as in more than 50% of women) before/during/after menopause. And pretending it is just vaginal dryness or a lower libido is doing no one any favours. It's giving men unrealistic expectations and making women put undue pressure on themselves.

Edited
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Eh? I'm 50 and post-menopausal, and I have really vigorous sex with my FWB, who is 60. I don't have those issues and I haven't had HRT either. Not everyone falls apart at menopause!!

Thisistyresome · 09/04/2025 16:01

isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 15:44

And I do have sex with him! Fuck sake. but he knows it’s not a priority for me.

Again with the
"its not a priority for me"

You have said it makes you feel physically sick and you are repulsed. So he doesn't know what you think and feel because you are lying.

Why are you unwilling to be honest?

RedPony1 · 09/04/2025 16:06

i couldnt be in a sexless relationship, i love it and wouldnt put up with not having it at least weekly, so you need to leave him for both your sakes

Iwannakeepondancing · 09/04/2025 16:12

This is really sad.
Saying the noises he makes are gross? That’s really mean and I am surprised he wants to stay with you when you say that.
I don’t get why you’re staying or more to the point why he’s staying!
You're clearly both unhappy which is a shit environment for kids to grow up in. They’ll sense it and it will affect them as my parents stayed together and still are and are miserable and it made me feel weird about relationships until I was in a ‘normal’ one!

Marriage isn’t the be all and end all…

What can anyone advise if you won’t leave?!

Riaanna · 09/04/2025 16:13

isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 15:47

How can he leave and still have his family ? The family will be broken. The family is us two and our kids. Which he’d be breaking.

And there you have it. He wants a marriage with intimacy. You do not. Yet it’s him breaking the family. The person controlling this is you.

blueshoes · 09/04/2025 16:13

Thisistyresome · 09/04/2025 15:51

Hang on then.

So your position is that you don't want sex and you are unwilling to let him seek it elsewhere?

And if he were to leave due to lack of sex, you would not consider yourself in anyway responsible for the failure of the marriage and look to blame him?

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This.

OP if you blame your dh then you are equally to blame for changing the goalposts even if this is driven by your shrunken libido. He did not marry you expecting a sexless marriage in later years.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 09/04/2025 16:14

ANDisayWhatsGoingon · 09/04/2025 12:49

Ewww, how do you even know that? 😂

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My 80-year-old dad and his 83-year-old girlfriend once kept the house awake with their sex noises! 🤣🤣🤣 I think they didn't realise how loud they were being, because they didn't have their hearing aids in!

Thisistyresome · 09/04/2025 16:15

Maitri108 · 09/04/2025 15:46

He begs and begs and begs. I usually give in. If I am very firm, he sometimes leaves it be, but I have to say no 1 million times.

Having to say no a million times to something is harassment.

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Someone doesn’t understand hyperbole…

Maitri108 · 09/04/2025 16:16

Thisistyresome · 09/04/2025 16:15

Someone doesn’t understand hyperbole…

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Someone (you) doesn't seem to understand much at all.

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/04/2025 16:17

Thisistyresome · 09/04/2025 16:15

Someone doesn’t understand hyperbole…

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Having to say no many times after begging and begging seems like harassment to me.