Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

[isitenoughnow]

I just don’t ever feel up for it. The thought makes me feel sick. But I do it, as it causes resentment from my husband if I don’t.

anyway, he’s expecting it once a week- sometimes twice ( but more rarely twice ). Usually it’s once a week.

I am going away tomorrow for 2 weeks and usually he expects it in this kind of circumstance and will summon me soon.

I feel sick thinking about it. I just don’t want to do it.

I feel resentful of myself, of my body, of him. The fact that I just have to keep doing this or otherwise it’s a problem for my marriage.

when do men stop wanting sex ? Does it really need to be a weekly thing or could it be monthly or whatever ? I just can’t take it anymore. When I say no, it’s endless begging and if I continue to say no, usually sulking.

I honestly feel like crying tonight as I know he’s going to come and request it from me.

at the weekend I was worried about him as he was out in his fast car and I thought how sad it would be if something happened. But it did cross my mind that at least I wouldn’t need to have sex anymore.

anyway, I ask again - at what age does sex drive dwindle in men ?

Almost every couple has mismatched sex drives to an extent, and part of marriage is finding a balance that works for both people. But where one party does not want sex at all, ever, and one party does want sex, it's never going to work.. OP can no more make herself want to have sex than her DH can make himself satisfied with no sex life. It's sad, but the marriage is dead in the water.

I'd be so hurt inside if I knew my husband found the thought of having sex with me revolting, that I'd have to beg for it. If he is anything like me, there'll come a point where he will just stop asking you and putting himself in a situation where he is rejected. he might feel so bloody ugly and hideous.
I don't know what the solution is, but your hatred of sex is strong.

Well said.

For clarity @isitenoughnow has said she told her husband sex isn't a priority, and that once a week is too frequent. She hasn't told him that, in fact, what she requires is a sexless marriage. Her husband has told her repeatedly that he equates her lack of sexual desire to lack of love, and he was crushed by her suggestion of an open marriage.

I feel sorry for her husband. His self esteem is likely to be on the floor. I think she should be the one to walk away, it'll be better long term for her husband than living a lie. She's being unfair in trying to maintain the marriage on her terms alone.

No, that incorrect. The law says that consent involves having the freedom and capacity to agree to sex.

Coercion involves using tactics to get sex. Those tactics would include manipulation, intimidation and pressure.

In this case, the OPs husband is nagging, begging and applying pressure on the OP to have sex she has said that she doesn't want.

You don't have to apply pressure all the time for it to be coercive. You'll hear women say they have sex because they can't bear the consequences if they don't.

People have given you other suggestions. Open marriage being one of them.

But the real options here are

1. You keep having sex you don't want, which is you being abused by your husband and making you miserable.
2. You stop having sex entirely, making your husband miserable.
3. You open the marriage and both of you can have sex with new people.
4. Your husband has sex with someone else instead of you but you stay married and you give up on sex forever.
5. You split up.

However, from your responses it doesn't look like you've actually had an adult conversation with him about options where you stay married and he has sex outside of it. You've just shouted at him to sleep with someone else or get out, when you've been frustrated.

Any way forward will rely on you having an adult conversation.

Can you source where it says that in the law. Thanks. You specifically asked me to outline what it says in law about coercive sex and have told me I’m wrong. So please provide what it actually says, not your summary of how you’ve interpreted what the law says about coercive sex.

She does have the freedom to make the choice and to walk away, but she has said she doesn’t want to do that.

Stop it . This is not a victim of abuse. !
This is someone who has decided the ‘benefits of the marriage’ (let’s think extreme here .. high end life, loads of money, kids in private , big house .. sahm with mega life lifestyle (she started the thread with the fact she was going away for 2 weeks) .. even if it’s not fancy .. but a marital home and a couple of kids .. and it’s all hers for a minimum amount of sex that her DH has specified. However she can at ANY time walk away and have HALF of everything . She CHOOSES not to. Instead she chooses to keep the status quo.

No you stop it. I'm sick of people finding justification for rape. Educate yourself, learn about domestic abuse, try to understand why victims stay in relationships.

Domestic abuse is complex. It's not as simple as telling someone to walk away.

And you know what else is abusive? Coercing someone to stay in a marriage by deceiving them. Daily. Relentlessly. Dismissing their feelings. Gaslighting them. What she is doing is awful. I’m not saying he’s handling it well but to suggest this is him abusing her based on this, all you’re doing is undermining real abuse.

You are making up a scenario that OP has not said. Not once has she said she's scared to leave him.

But in this case the only consequence is an annoying whiny husband. At no point has OP said he’s abusive. She’s doing it to keep things ticking along and hasn’t disclosed at any point she wants a sexless marriage.

He’s gross in trying to force intimacy but he may not even understand how badly she doesn’t want it. If she’s like “okay fine” he may not pick up on how distressing it is. And the only reason it is distressing is because she wants to have the whole marriage on her terms without actual resolve or proper communication. Plenty of people - me included - wouldn’t stay in a relationship where there’s no future prospects of a sex life. If it’s not a phase, he needs to be told.

Ironic. Please highlight where I said she was.

Right?

The only time something similar happened to me, turns out I was being cheated on. For months I kept trying to initiate, wondering what on earth was wrong with me, if it was my appearance, etc.

It feels very unloved to be rejected with no explanation why. This man has no idea what’s going on when the only explanation is “sorry, I always go off long term partners but I like our life as it is”.

What did you mean by this then?

Weren’t you showing me what it says about coercive sex in law?

Are you mad?

“I have sex so my husband doesn’t get grumpy” is not rape.

“pressure” is not a standard that invalidates someone’s choice. The level of pressure needs to be significant. It would normally involve legitimate fear of a serious consequence. Fear of serious consequences like violence, harm to children, not being able to feed the family, not an uncomfortable atmosphere. That makes completely normal situations in a relationship coercion.

As others have said these are serious matters and you should not devalue the serious nature of them.

we had a long conversation last night and he knows how I feel. Sex is just not a priority for me. Many other things are important but not sex. It’s important to him. I told him the begging and pleading and bad moods need to stop. I told him to give me space for me to come to him and that at the moment, once a week is too much and can he just back the fuck off and take no for an answer.

He doesn't know how you feel at all.

You've told him "sex is just not a priority for me"

You've told us you hate having sex with him, that it makes you feel physically sick, that even the thought of having sex with him makes you want to cry and that you've had thoughts about how if you died at least you'd never have to have sex with him again.

There is a massive difference between those two statements!

You're absolutely right that the begging and pleading is not OK (not to mention deeply unattractive) and needs to stop. But you've now basically told your DH he's not allowed to initiate sex at all, he has to "wait for you to come to him". Considering the thought of sex with him makes you want to cry and throw up that's not likely to happen is it? Once a week is too much for you because you hate it and don't want it at all, ever so why not just be honest and tell him that you want a sexless marraige? Telling him he has to wait for you to initiate sex, and then never initiating sex doesn't seem like a great long term strategy.

It's not me who's devaluing the nature of rape. Madness is scrabbling around looking for every excuse under the sun for a man to continue to rape his wife.

Section 74 of the Sexual Offences Act 2003 states that: "For the purposes of this Part, a person consents if he agrees by choice, and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice."

No one here thinks the current situation is good. Everyone thinks the husband shouldn’t take the approach he is. The fact you need to lie about that shows you know how weak your position is.

But being grumpy does not make sex rape.

The OP has the capacity to say no and regularly does. She foolishly has for years chosen to not communicate properly. Instead expecting mindreading from him.

What the OP is not willing to do is to be honest and say that sex is effectively over in the marriage and then allow the adult conversation to follow. Presumably this is because she doesn’t like the possible consequences that would follow, that he may either leave or he may bring up the option of opening the marriage for himself.

You are still free to make a choice if the consequence of that choice is mild, uncomfortable or annoying.

You're completely dismissing what the OP has said and have minimised it for reasons of your own.

The OP says that she says no and he begs and harasses her until she gives in. She doesn't say that he has a bit of a grump. She says that he doesn't stop until she gives in.

If she was freely consenting, he wouldn't have to beg.

Hang on a minute...you say you would leave him if he had an affair. But you don't want sex with him.

So you're saying that he can't have sex with you and he also can't have it with anyone else.

That is SO cruel.

And even if you "give in" on occasion, it can hardly be great sex.

Just wait until he finds a warm, earthy affair with someone who wants him - because he will, because this isn't sustainable. Your marriage will be toast.

Foolishly ? He knows

Right? And she does have the freedom and capacity to make the choice.

@ThisFluentBiscuitthats his choice then, to leave his family. He has to deal with being the one who did it.