Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

[isitenoughnow]

I just don’t ever feel up for it. The thought makes me feel sick. But I do it, as it causes resentment from my husband if I don’t.

anyway, he’s expecting it once a week- sometimes twice ( but more rarely twice ). Usually it’s once a week.

I am going away tomorrow for 2 weeks and usually he expects it in this kind of circumstance and will summon me soon.

I feel sick thinking about it. I just don’t want to do it.

I feel resentful of myself, of my body, of him. The fact that I just have to keep doing this or otherwise it’s a problem for my marriage.

when do men stop wanting sex ? Does it really need to be a weekly thing or could it be monthly or whatever ? I just can’t take it anymore. When I say no, it’s endless begging and if I continue to say no, usually sulking.

I honestly feel like crying tonight as I know he’s going to come and request it from me.

at the weekend I was worried about him as he was out in his fast car and I thought how sad it would be if something happened. But it did cross my mind that at least I wouldn’t need to have sex anymore.

anyway, I ask again - at what age does sex drive dwindle in men ?

You do not have the authority to tell a woman what she is being.

How is he being coerced?

I know the law and what rape is.

She hasn't actually - she's said she goes off sex in LTRs after about 5 years. So it is specifically sex with her husband, the familiarity makes it not exciting for her any more.

I do think there are ways they could both get around this (fantasy and roleplay, maybe doing something new together to spark excitement and new sharing). But the issue isn't that her libido is broken and needs fixing with chemicals or whatnot. This is a pattern for her.

Didn't OP say that they've talked about it many times and he knows she doesn't want sex? She even suggested an open marriage or for him to leave her but he said no to both of those things.

Because she is not being honest about the reality of his marriage. She is not telling him I am not sexually attracted to you and I never want to have sex with you ever again. If he had that spelt out things would be different.

Why does she want to stay in the marriage then?

No she has not told him - she has made it about frequency not a complete flat absolute permanent no. And the open marriage was, it sounds like, said in haste and not as part of an actual honest open discussion.

Apparently not.

What does the law say about coerced sex? You're the expert.

Why does any victim of abuse stay?

I'm 50.
I know.
I also know a loveless marriage is not healthy for either party.

The posters above me have a point. I presumed that a frank and open discussion had already taken place but I may be wrong as the OPs don't make that clear. I would always advise clear and open communication first.
I can only see the options being carry on as they are, refuse all unwanted sex from now on and deal with the fallout from that when it happens, or divorce. I would never choose option 1 because my body autonomy is important to me.
I don't think it's that difficult to understand "I no longer want sex because (insert valid reason here) but other intimacy is still wanted. It doesn't mean I don't fancy you."

Fwiw I don't think the husband in this particular case is feeling sad and rejected. I think he feels entitled to sex from a wife and his wants are being put above the OPs wishes. Which is always abhorrent behaviour imo. It's not 1925 ffs.

That's not coercion. Coercion is pressuring someone to do something they don't want to do. How is she pressuring him to stay in the marriage despite him wanting to leave?

Omg he knows. We’ve talked about it many times. He’s just not the type to leave. He sees marriage as a final thing unless I cheat on him or leave him. It’s just how he is. I’ve suggested he can get out if he’s not happy with our sex life and any suggestion like that deeply hurts him. He thinks I don’t love him when I’ve said stuff like that.

From OP.

See, that to me suggests that he does know she doesn't want sex at all. Especially because OP commented that between several people arguing over if DH knows or not, hence the ''Omg he knows''.

“communicated plenty”

Well you are obviously a quantity over quality person. If you read OPs specific descriptions they are dreadful ways of communicating. From the oddly MN endorsed “get it somewhere else” thrown out during an argument, to the “you can divorce me but I won’t divorce you,” to the “I don’t know.”

OP says she has a problem and doesn’t want a divorce or to break up her family. Has no interest in sex buy has no idea why and no solution to the situation. This is a situation which is not serving either of them and most of the suggestions here are attempts to validate posters own prejudices. Fine but don’t pretend you are looking to help the OP.

The generalised “we had along talk and he knows how I feel” is very vague as so often with these posts there is always a “well I will want it at some unknown point in the future for reasons I don’t know and can give you no information about.” That is stringing someone along. The reality is that she has lost interest and in all likelihood it isn’t coming back. Her solution to date has been to “grin and bear it” which has made the situation worse, as it has put her off more frustrated him and set a really unhealthy dynamic in the marriage. The “the world ought to be this way” doesn’t really stack up to someone asking advice.

Step 1 - establish that the coerced sex has actually taken place.

She said she's happy with the marriage and the family set up. She wants to stay together as long as they don't have sex.

No, that's not what the law says. Try again, I'm waiting for you to educate me.

But it doesn’t state it does it. It doesn’t state that she has said to him I never want to have sex with you ever again for the rest of our marriage and I never will.

And it’s ended with a reference to love. It’s equating the two. There is nothing in this entire from the OP where she has said or even alluded to an honest scene setting conversation with her husband. It’s deceitful.

The law says start with a random crime and then try and make the circumstances fit? I am aware of coercion is but I do not agree that in this case of the OP that is what is happening. Arguably she is coercing him into staying into a marriage with her consistent deceit. Coercive control extends to lying and saying things to create insecurity and fear. She’s weaponised sex to ensure he stays in a marriage where he can never be happy.

I think OP saying 'OMG he knows' between comments of people arguing over if he knows she doesn't want to have sex at all is pretty clear. As is 'we've talked about it many times'.

Maybe OP can come back and clarify to be absolutely sure.

What does the law say coerced sex is?

It doesn’t actually say anything. Rape is defined. And coercive control is defined.

Coerced sex is not defined.

And this falls into neither category because she can choose to walk away at any point. She has openly said she doesn’t want to walk away. Not through fear. Or nothing. Because she doesn’t want to.

Could not agree with you more and I work in the modern slavery human trafficking field of victim support . Where coercive control is the tool of choice !!
please stop using this term and rape so inappropriately. This isn’t even close to either . !

OP seems to have made a deal with her DH . She seems to have told him how much she doesn’t want sex. He has told her the minimum he requires to maintain the marriage. OP seems very reluctant to divorce and the minimum amount of sex is what she supplies consensually in order to maintain the marriage. There is no coercion as she can walk away . She wants all the trappings of marriage without the one thing that makes it fundamentally different from friendship. Sex. Husband has stated he will not live in a sexless marriage. OP has an answer to this. Divorce . Which she chooses not to do for lifestyle reasons .