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Original poster

Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

643 replies

isitenoughnow · 08/04/2025 21:38

I just don’t ever feel up for it. The thought makes me feel sick. But I do it, as it causes resentment from my husband if I don’t.

anyway, he’s expecting it once a week- sometimes twice ( but more rarely twice ). Usually it’s once a week.

I am going away tomorrow for 2 weeks and usually he expects it in this kind of circumstance and will summon me soon.

I feel sick thinking about it. I just don’t want to do it.

I feel resentful of myself, of my body, of him. The fact that I just have to keep doing this or otherwise it’s a problem for my marriage.

when do men stop wanting sex ? Does it really need to be a weekly thing or could it be monthly or whatever ? I just can’t take it anymore. When I say no, it’s endless begging and if I continue to say no, usually sulking.

I honestly feel like crying tonight as I know he’s going to come and request it from me.

at the weekend I was worried about him as he was out in his fast car and I thought how sad it would be if something happened. But it did cross my mind that at least I wouldn’t need to have sex anymore.

anyway, I ask again - at what age does sex drive dwindle in men ?

OP posts:
ANDisayWhatsGoingon · 09/04/2025 11:23

Op, did you used to enjoy sex with your husband? Are you physically attracted to him? Or maybe his constant nagging about it is killing your sex drive. Tell him his constant winging and disrespecting your boundaries is a huge turn off. It is okay for dh to want sex, it isn't okay for him to demand it. This sounds like you need to have a serious conversation if you're able to even move forward, and how it is possible to do so, if you haven't already. Dh has a higher sex drive than I do, and would do it every day if he could, but I couldn't be in a sexless marriage so we compromise, and meet in the middle. Most people don't want to feel undesired.

Riaanna · 09/04/2025 11:24

WasThatACorner · 09/04/2025 11:23

Yes, and then I responded.

You don't say if you ever want sex, if you enjoy it or if it happens only when you feel like it and to the extent that you feel like. Just that you are only enthusiastic about your bed.

If you are putting yourself through something uncomfortable or unpleasant then that's not OK for you or for your husband if he knew that.

Show quote history

Only it’s not that simple because I know that my husband would be miserable in a sexless marriage. Which I will not subject him to because I love him. It’s not that black and white.

LadyGillingham · 09/04/2025 11:24

Op, are you ok with an open marriage?

Why do you dislike sex so much ? Is it him or something to do with menopause etc ?

If you don’t like him, you must tell him that.

2JFDIYOLO · 09/04/2025 11:25

Well done for having that difficult conversation . Keep doing it, calmly, compassionately, truthfully.

For him, sex=love. And not having sex, being told no=unloved.

His pleading, begging, summoning and sulking will just drive you further and further into resentment, anxiety and feeling used.

Your saying no, your reluctance, will just drive him further and further into resentment, anxiety and feeling rejected.

Keep the message up that you don't enjoy, like or want what he wants.

Ensure he knows what you DO like and want.

lazycats · 09/04/2025 11:27

Edit

OctoberandApril · 09/04/2025 11:36

Are there a lot of women who want the nice house, children etc but not really an intimate relationship with their DH?

JHound · 09/04/2025 11:36

I think it depends on the individual. But this is what I hate about relationships and why I cannot be arsed to find one. I HATE the dating process and also hate the thought of having to have sex I don’t want. Which makes relationships hard going.

Starlight1984 · 09/04/2025 11:37

2JFDIYOLO · 09/04/2025 11:25

Well done for having that difficult conversation . Keep doing it, calmly, compassionately, truthfully.

For him, sex=love. And not having sex, being told no=unloved.

His pleading, begging, summoning and sulking will just drive you further and further into resentment, anxiety and feeling used.

Your saying no, your reluctance, will just drive him further and further into resentment, anxiety and feeling rejected.

Keep the message up that you don't enjoy, like or want what he wants.

Ensure he knows what you DO like and want.

Keep the message up that you don't enjoy, like or want what he wants.

I would love to know how the women on this thread would feel if they wanted to have sex with their husbands and they kept being told the above?

Because if every time I wanted to have sex, my DH told me he didn't enjoy, like or want it, I would be devastated. I would be gutted if he even said / implied it once tbh!

But to "keep the message up that you don't want to have sex with him".

Wow.

WasThatACorner · 09/04/2025 11:38

Riaanna · 09/04/2025 11:24

Only it’s not that simple because I know that my husband would be miserable in a sexless marriage. Which I will not subject him to because I love him. It’s not that black and white.

Show quote history

So, reading this you say if he would be miserable, sulk and pressure you or miserable and take it on the chin.

There is some nuance there.

I hope you don't feel I am insulting you or your husband. That isn't my intention at all.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 09/04/2025 11:41

The problem is obviously deeper if you don't WANT to have sex with your husband. You absolutely shouldn't be doing it unless you actively want to, but the fact you don't speaks volumes. A sexless marriage isn't the answer but finding someone you want to sleep with might be.

OctoberandApril · 09/04/2025 11:42

When I was with my last partner years ago we stopped having sex because neither of us wanted to. So we sold the house and split up and went onto new relationships.

I wouldn't stay with someone if it was only one sided, me or him. It's not fair on either person.

I still fancy my DH after over 20 years and I'm sure he feels the same way.

Naunet · 09/04/2025 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Maitri108 · 09/04/2025 11:43

whatkatydid2014 · 09/04/2025 07:45

I think if he’s aware the extent to which she doesn’t want to have sex this is all valid but she also said one of the reasons she has sex when she doesn’t really want to is that if she did not “he’d try and get me to talk about why I’m never up for it” Is he actually aware how she feels or is she putting up a convincing act of enjoying sex when they do have it and never telling him what she actually wants?

Show quote history

What do you mean is he aware? She tells him she doesn't want to do it and he pressures her until she gives in. Saying no means she doesn't want to do it. The fact that he has to pressure her into it is obvious that she's not freely consenting.

Maitri108 · 09/04/2025 11:45

Riaanna · 09/04/2025 08:53

I wish people would stop comparing this to rape.

Under the law it is rape.

Riaanna · 09/04/2025 11:45

WasThatACorner · 09/04/2025 11:38

So, reading this you say if he would be miserable, sulk and pressure you or miserable and take it on the chin.

There is some nuance there.

I hope you don't feel I am insulting you or your husband. That isn't my intention at all.

Show quote history

I haven’t said that. I have said he would be miserable. Because he would. There is nothing wrong with wanting a marriage that includes physical affection. To have that and then for it to be withdrawn. To have your wife say given the option she would prefer divorce over sex. That’s not a place you can expect someone to exist in.

Riaanna · 09/04/2025 11:45

Maitri108 · 09/04/2025 11:45

Under the law it is rape.

Show quote history

It’s really not.

Tillybud81 · 09/04/2025 11:46

OctoberandApril · 09/04/2025 11:36

Are there a lot of women who want the nice house, children etc but not really an intimate relationship with their DH?

Maybe, but there are also a lot of women who get older, have hormonal changes, their bodies change after children, get "touched out" with children hanging off her. We're allowed to change, in fact it's completely normal to change and is generally a social norm to stay together forever and not a biological one.

People change! It amazes me how entitled a man feels to his wifes body just cos she was sex crazy in her 20s/30s and 3 kids ago 🙄

Maitri108 · 09/04/2025 11:48

Riaanna · 09/04/2025 11:45

It’s really not.

Show quote history

It very clearly is. I suggest you look it up. Coerced sex is rape.

Starlight1984 · 09/04/2025 11:48

I honestly feel like crying tonight as I know he’s going to come and request it from me.

Honestly @isitenoughnow , just leave. He is always going to want to have sex with you (you are his wife and he obviously is attracted to you and has a sex drive). Whereas the thought of having sex with him makes you want to cry.

This is never going to work.

ItGhoul · 09/04/2025 11:50

isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 07:32

Is that the only point ? I thought someone would have some other suggestions, other than divorce.

Show quote history

I'm sorry you're going through this but... 'other suggestions' are the sort of thing that would be appropriate/useful for someone who said 'We don't have sex much these days and I know it bothers my husband; I do find him attractive and I do enjoy sex when we do it, but I just don't have much drive/energy for it in the same way he does'. I don't think there are many 'other suggestions' available for someone who is as vehemently and strongly disgusted by the whole idea of sex with their partner as you are. You are at the point of feeling nauseous and crying at the very thought of it.

Personally, I think you need professional help from a therapist, probably alone rather than with your husband, because it sounds like there are some really deep-seated issues here.

Starlight1984 · 09/04/2025 11:51

Tillybud81 · 09/04/2025 11:46

Maybe, but there are also a lot of women who get older, have hormonal changes, their bodies change after children, get "touched out" with children hanging off her. We're allowed to change, in fact it's completely normal to change and is generally a social norm to stay together forever and not a biological one.

People change! It amazes me how entitled a man feels to his wifes body just cos she was sex crazy in her 20s/30s and 3 kids ago 🙄

Show quote history

"Entitled to a wife's body"?!?!

FFS I have read some utter crap on here over the years but that is brilliant.

Maybe a man just wants to have sex with his wife. Who he loves, fancies and is turned on by.

If OP has decided she no longer wants to have sex with her husband then it is her who has changed, not him. And she should leave him. Not make him feel like he's doing something illegal and sordid for wanting to be intimate with her.

Riaanna · 09/04/2025 11:53

Maitri108 · 09/04/2025 11:48

It very clearly is. I suggest you look it up. Coerced sex is rape.

Show quote history

I didn’t say coerced sex isn’t rape.

But this is more complex than than. To suggest that a woman is incapable of rationalising the pros and cons and have sex consensually to make their spouse happy is offensive at best.

Caerulea · 09/04/2025 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Unfortunately 'you're his wife' seems to come up a lot here - even in sympathetic posts. There are still deeply ingrained expectations on women once they become wives. Is that the only reason we marry? To have us contractually obliged to put-out?

It's actually really depressing.

Presumably, my unmarried sister who's been with her partner for longer than I've been married means she doesn't have to subscribe to any of this cos she hasn't signed the contract?

AprilBunny · 09/04/2025 11:55

If you never ever want sex, you both don’t want to leave the marriage then it’s only a matter of time before he goes elsewhere for sex.

JHound · 09/04/2025 11:55

isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 07:22

This is going to be an unpopular opinion and I’m going to get slated - but I married this man. Marriage means something to both of us. You don’t just throw it away and give up. We have a family together, young children. Why put them through that ? I don’t have the answer but I definitely will not leave him. He can leave me if he wants to. But I will not be the one to break it apart. I’m doing what I can to keep us together by doing something I don’t really want to do, because I know it’s important to him and for me to keep my family together.

we had a long conversation last night and he knows how I feel. Sex is just not a priority for me. Many other things are important but not sex. It’s important to him. I told him the begging and pleading and bad moods need to stop. I told him to give me space for me to come to him and that at the moment, once a week is too much and can he just back the fuck off and take no for an answer.

anyway, for better or for worse. This is just the worse part- neither of us want to give up on our marriage.

yes I know I know, I’m terrible - weak- deluded - my marriage is over etc.

I just have a different opinion to you. Love is a choice, marriage is something you are in, for better or for worse and I’m not happy to just throw away the life we’ve built. Not yet, anyway.

I don’t think you are weak or deluded. I share your views on marriage and the strength of the vows and commitment and would not throw them away over something trivial.

I also, like you would not end a marriage over one small part of it (sex) even if having sex you don’t want to would be awful. Nothing to advise but as least you are discussing.