Page 11 | Is once to twice a week sex enough in a marriage ? When does sex drive dwindle in men ?

isitenoughnow · 2025-04-08T20:38:03+00:00

I just don’t ever feel up for it. The thought makes me feel sick. But I do it, as it causes resentment from my husband if I don’t. anyway, he’s expecting it once a week- sometimes twice ( but more rarely twice ). Usually it’s once a week. I am going away tomorrow for 2 weeks and usually he expects it in this kind of circumstance and will summon me soon. I feel sick thinking about it. I just don’t want to do it. I feel resentful of myself, of my body, of him. The fact that I just have to keep doing this or otherwise it’s a problem for my marriage. when do men stop wanting sex ? Does it really need to be a weekly thing or could it be monthly or whatever ? I just can’t take it anymore. When I say no, it’s endless begging and if I continue to say no, usually sulking. I honestly feel like crying tonight as I know he’s going to come and request it from me. at the weekend I was worried about him as he was out in his fast car and I thought how sad it would be if something happened. But it did cross my mind that at least I wouldn’t need to have sex anymore. anyway, I ask again - at what age does sex drive dwindle in men ?

ChkChkBoom · 09/04/2025 10:07

WasThatACorner · 09/04/2025 09:57

I wish people would stop pretending that sex without enthusiastic consent is anything but rape.

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Having to preface the word consent with enthusiastic means you know full well we're not talking rape.

@isitenoughnow seems to have worked out that speaking plainly to her husband had become unavoidable, so she's had the conversation. Where she goes from here is her quandary.

Riaanna · 09/04/2025 10:07

Xwx1010 · 09/04/2025 09:44

She has blatantly said she doesn’t want it and he doesn’t listen when she says NO.

Let me know if you want some free training 👍

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Give over.

I don’t need training. No is not an absolute permanent statement. It’s a marriage. Not in the mood at one point doesn’t mean not in the mood at another. And she has said herself she hasn’t discussed this with him.

You are over simplifying a very complicated situation.

Riaanna · 09/04/2025 10:09

WasThatACorner · 09/04/2025 09:57

I wish people would stop pretending that sex without enthusiastic consent is anything but rape.

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Oh come off it. I’m 45 years old and in the throes of meno. The only thing I’m enthusiastic about is going to bed. That doesn’t mean I’m relentlessly raped.

MsDitsy · 09/04/2025 10:12

isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 07:22

This is going to be an unpopular opinion and I’m going to get slated - but I married this man. Marriage means something to both of us. You don’t just throw it away and give up. We have a family together, young children. Why put them through that ? I don’t have the answer but I definitely will not leave him. He can leave me if he wants to. But I will not be the one to break it apart. I’m doing what I can to keep us together by doing something I don’t really want to do, because I know it’s important to him and for me to keep my family together.

we had a long conversation last night and he knows how I feel. Sex is just not a priority for me. Many other things are important but not sex. It’s important to him. I told him the begging and pleading and bad moods need to stop. I told him to give me space for me to come to him and that at the moment, once a week is too much and can he just back the fuck off and take no for an answer.

anyway, for better or for worse. This is just the worse part- neither of us want to give up on our marriage.

yes I know I know, I’m terrible - weak- deluded - my marriage is over etc.

I just have a different opinion to you. Love is a choice, marriage is something you are in, for better or for worse and I’m not happy to just throw away the life we’ve built. Not yet, anyway.

I really wish there was a hug emoji.

ChkChkBoom · 09/04/2025 10:16

Riaanna · 09/04/2025 10:09

Oh come off it. I’m 45 years old and in the throes of meno. The only thing I’m enthusiastic about is going to bed. That doesn’t mean I’m relentlessly raped.

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I can relate. I actually envy my husband's continuing ability to respond to order 🙈 My ability to turn it on and off has deserted me, and it will annoyingly spark at the most inopportune moments! He can be sitting innocently reading the menu at dinner and I'm sat there thinking jeez I couldn't fancy you more, but by the time we get home I'm already half asleep 😂

OctoberandApril · 09/04/2025 10:18

Starlight1984 · 09/04/2025 10:01

Um, because she is his wife?!?! And I assume he was / is attracted to her? And wants to be intimate with her?! And doesn't want to seek it elsewhere?!

Got to be honest and if my DH all of a sudden decided he didn't ever want to have sex again, I would be pretty angry and upset!!!

Some people on here are insane.

Anyway, OP, you are entitled to want to have sex as much or as little as you want. BUT, your husband is also entitled to the same (in contrast to MN opinions, it isn't up to the woman to make the executive decision for both of them!!!). And if you don't want to have sex with him and can't see that changing then you need to separate as it will just lead to a massive amount of resentment and unhappiness in both of you.

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I agree.

After reading OP's further posts she seems to want a marriage and family with this man but not have sex. If he wants to have sex then surely the only answer is to divorce.

Didn't the OP also say she agreed with the book a PP posted about?

MrsFunnyFanny · 09/04/2025 10:22

Iwrotethelyricstoaxlf · 08/04/2025 22:08

I can resonate with this.

I used to love sex. We used to have absolutely toe curling sex.

Now I just want to curl up with a book.

I think it’s partly me being menopausal, and partly just wanting a bit of variety.

I need to fall in love again. With DH. Just a hit hard after 25 years.

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I could have written this myself. My husband has a really high sex drive, and mine has just about disappeared. I’m menopausal, and sex just doesn’t feel nice any more - for my body or for my mind. Like the OP I ‘give in’ and do it every week or so, and like her DH, mine says he’s just not prepared to live in a sexless marriage. We’ve been together 22 years, and he’s always been sex-obsessed. Recently I lost my shit with him during a very stressful time in my life, and told him to back off for once and for all. I told him if he persists in making sexual advances, sexual comments and innuendoes, and basically expecting sex as his ‘right’, then he can just leave and we’ll call it a day. And I meant it. I really felt like I needed to take control back of the situation and of my own body. I meant it. I love him, but I just can’t be arsed most of the time, and things that didn’t bother me in years gone by now repulse me. He would talk about taking me away, for nights or weekends, and would say it was for my benefit, to get away from stress etc. except it wasn’t - it was because he wanted sex and thought he would get it in a hotel room. On one occasion, he actually packed sexy underwear and sex toys - for me…without any discussion or consent from me. He whipped them out of his case and expected me to be pleased. I told him to fuck right off. We’re now in the situation where he’s agreed to back off and let things happen when I want them to. Except I don’t really lol.
Like the OP, I was wondering if this high sex drive in men eventually peters off, but there’s no sign of that here, and he’s mid fifties. He doesn’t want to split up, so I’ve been very clear that the only way to avoid that is to stop talking about, asking for, or expecting sex. It’s not his right, and I was fed up of being treated like a chattel or a plaything whenever he wanted to get his end away.
It DOES feel abusive being treated like that - probably because it IS.
I feel better for drawing a line in the sand - but I honestly meant it when I said our marriage wouldn’t last unless he seriously changed his outlook.

WasThatACorner · 09/04/2025 10:29

ChkChkBoom · 09/04/2025 10:07

Having to preface the word consent with enthusiastic means you know full well we're not talking rape.

@isitenoughnow seems to have worked out that speaking plainly to her husband had become unavoidable, so she's had the conversation. Where she goes from here is her quandary.

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Having to preface the word consent with enthusiastic means that people aren't understanding what consent means.

People seem to think that the word yes is consent. It isn't.

Consent is freely given and is constantly negotiated through the people involved caring about the other person's experience.

If someone has told you that they feel sick at the though of sex with you any normal person would step back to reassess.

Caerulea · 09/04/2025 10:33

SlightlyBaffledBloke · 09/04/2025 00:16

Reading this thread as a man made me want to sign up and reply. I hope what I say is kind and thoughtful because I am not a natural writer and I mean you well, OP.

That said I have been appalled by the tenor of many of the replies here.

You married this man. You entered into a relationship where the very vows you take - to love, cherish and adore, to have and to hold - imply a degree of physical intimacy that doesn't exist in other partnerships. Sex is integral to marriage.

Your husband is a man like me and like millions of others. If he is a normal man then sex isn't some optional extra. It is one of the main ways he feels close to you. It is the thing that separates you from other women. It is the thing in his mind that makes you his.

Consider this from his perspective: You love him but you don't really want to touch him. What would you say to a person who said "I love my baby but I cannot bear to pick it up or give it physical affection"? He feels crushed and rejected, I would bet, by the woman he loves.

I have read people here say, outrageously, that he is "coercing" you. I would say that this is a terrible and unjustified attack on him. He is instead being honest: He desires you and he is hurt and upset that you do not desire him in return. You offered an open marriage and he was horrified, you say: Is that the behaviour of a man who just wants sex, or the conduct of a man who specifically wants sex with you? I would say the latter.

Of course he sulks, as you put it. You are hurting him. Because he married you in part because he valued your sexual relationship. He didn't marry you solely because you are friends, or he would have married one of his mates instead. He married you because Sex was integral to the whole deal.

Now later in life (sorry I don't know how old you are) you have altered the deal. You are within your rights to do so.

But.

Doesn't your husband deserve somebody who loves him and actually wants him? And who desires him as much as he desires her? I think he does because I think we all do.

And I think you should either try and do something about your sex drive, or you should be honest with him AND give him the chance to walk away if he wants. He is not being unreasonable here.

(Note: I am NOT saying that every man wants needs or deserves sex twice a week. Or anything like that. Or that it is something women have to offer up. What I am saying is that one partner doing what OP is doing and saying she wishes to take sex off the menu is as destructive to a marriage as almost anything else).

Delete your account.

CalleOcho · 09/04/2025 10:34

Jumpingthruhoops · 09/04/2025 01:38

This thread really isn’t the place for male input.

Eh? The OP literally asked: 'At what age does sex drive dwindle in men?'

Given that a man is arguably best placed to answer this exact question, I'd say this male's input is even more valuable than yours.

The bloke didn’t answer the OP’s question. Not even close to answering it.

He just harped on that the OP should have sex with him because he practically owns her through marriage, as if we’re still in the 1950’s. How exactly was his response helpful or valuable? Please explain that to me.

His input was anything but valuable.

ChkChkBoom · 09/04/2025 10:38

WasThatACorner · 09/04/2025 10:29

Having to preface the word consent with enthusiastic means that people aren't understanding what consent means.

People seem to think that the word yes is consent. It isn't.

Consent is freely given and is constantly negotiated through the people involved caring about the other person's experience.

If someone has told you that they feel sick at the though of sex with you any normal person would step back to reassess.

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Except the OP hasn't told her husband she feels sick at the thought of sex with him.

CalleOcho · 09/04/2025 10:40

isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 07:22

This is going to be an unpopular opinion and I’m going to get slated - but I married this man. Marriage means something to both of us. You don’t just throw it away and give up. We have a family together, young children. Why put them through that ? I don’t have the answer but I definitely will not leave him. He can leave me if he wants to. But I will not be the one to break it apart. I’m doing what I can to keep us together by doing something I don’t really want to do, because I know it’s important to him and for me to keep my family together.

we had a long conversation last night and he knows how I feel. Sex is just not a priority for me. Many other things are important but not sex. It’s important to him. I told him the begging and pleading and bad moods need to stop. I told him to give me space for me to come to him and that at the moment, once a week is too much and can he just back the fuck off and take no for an answer.

anyway, for better or for worse. This is just the worse part- neither of us want to give up on our marriage.

yes I know I know, I’m terrible - weak- deluded - my marriage is over etc.

I just have a different opinion to you. Love is a choice, marriage is something you are in, for better or for worse and I’m not happy to just throw away the life we’ve built. Not yet, anyway.

If you have a daughter or daughters. As they get older, please make sure to them that if a man pressures them for sex when they don’t want it, they say NO, and to never give in if they are begged or pressured.* *Married or not.

WasThatACorner · 09/04/2025 10:44

Riaanna · 09/04/2025 10:09

Oh come off it. I’m 45 years old and in the throes of meno. The only thing I’m enthusiastic about is going to bed. That doesn’t mean I’m relentlessly raped.

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My wife is a couple of years older than you and in the same boat.

Still, I wouldn't want her to do anything that she isn't 100% up for. That means that we have sex a lot less than we used to. I married her because I love her, care for her not as sex on tap.

So yeah, enthusiastic consent is the bar. Always.

WasThatACorner · 09/04/2025 10:53

ChkChkBoom · 09/04/2025 10:38

Except the OP hasn't told her husband she feels sick at the thought of sex with him.

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That feels like a pretty weak get out. It's very apparent that something is very off in their sexual relationship. OP may not have said the exact words but her husband is choosing not to read between the lines and explore what OP is saying, what she is meaning and the reasons for that.

ChkChkBoom · 09/04/2025 10:53

WasThatACorner · 09/04/2025 10:44

My wife is a couple of years older than you and in the same boat.

Still, I wouldn't want her to do anything that she isn't 100% up for. That means that we have sex a lot less than we used to. I married her because I love her, care for her not as sex on tap.

So yeah, enthusiastic consent is the bar. Always.

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How would you know though, that her enthusiasm is authentic? Your wife may well be akin to the OP, ie not wanting sex at all whilst pretending that, on occasion, she still does.

One of my friends has faked orgasm her entire life - which I guess could be construed as enthusiasm; but it's still pretend, whichever way it's spun.

ChkChkBoom · 09/04/2025 11:03

WasThatACorner · 09/04/2025 10:53

That feels like a pretty weak get out. It's very apparent that something is very off in their sexual relationship. OP may not have said the exact words but her husband is choosing not to read between the lines and explore what OP is saying, what she is meaning and the reasons for that.

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I'd say on the contrary. The OP's husband has made clear his position, it is up to the OP to make her position just as clear. Her quandary would appear to be that, by making her position crystal clear, he may opt to leave. And she doesn't want that.

Original poster

isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 11:08

Omg he knows. We’ve talked about it many times. He’s just not the type to leave. He sees marriage as a final thing unless I cheat on him or leave him. It’s just how he is. I’ve suggested he can get out if he’s not happy with our sex life and any suggestion like that deeply hurts him. He thinks I don’t love him when I’ve said stuff like that.

OP posts:

ChkChkBoom · 09/04/2025 11:10

isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 11:08

Omg he knows. We’ve talked about it many times. He’s just not the type to leave. He sees marriage as a final thing unless I cheat on him or leave him. It’s just how he is. I’ve suggested he can get out if he’s not happy with our sex life and any suggestion like that deeply hurts him. He thinks I don’t love him when I’ve said stuff like that.

So you've told him you want a sexless marriage?

StrangerThings1 · 09/04/2025 11:11

isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 11:08

Omg he knows. We’ve talked about it many times. He’s just not the type to leave. He sees marriage as a final thing unless I cheat on him or leave him. It’s just how he is. I’ve suggested he can get out if he’s not happy with our sex life and any suggestion like that deeply hurts him. He thinks I don’t love him when I’ve said stuff like that.

Do you love him?

SpikySausage · 09/04/2025 11:15

I am in a similar situation, as are many of my female friends with young children, jobs etc, possibly some or most of us are perimenopausal too.

We often discuss that if you want to stay married (we do) you have to put out from time to time. Once a week seems to be the agreed minimum, as the OP has identified.

I don't think it needs to be any more complicated than that. None of us particularly wants to have sex with our husbands right now, we are tired and would prefer to get some sleep or read a book. But we also don't want to sell our houses, and co-parent and deal with our ex husbands new wife, or try and date in 2025 when the last time any of us dated was pre-tinder.

None of us see ourselves as being in a coercive marriage!

If relevant, we also discussed that our husbands are all quite skilled in that department and we actually quite like it when we get past the beginning. Maybe this is actually the issue for the OP, the husband isn't doing it right? Can that be worked on at all?

If it's more than what I have outlined above, then I think divorce is probably the answer.

Riaanna · 09/04/2025 11:18

isitenoughnow · 09/04/2025 11:08

Omg he knows. We’ve talked about it many times. He’s just not the type to leave. He sees marriage as a final thing unless I cheat on him or leave him. It’s just how he is. I’ve suggested he can get out if he’s not happy with our sex life and any suggestion like that deeply hurts him. He thinks I don’t love him when I’ve said stuff like that.

He is going to think that. Because there is another side to this. You’re telling him that having sex with him is so intolerable you would rather end your marriage. How else is he supposed to take that?

WasThatACorner · 09/04/2025 11:19

ChkChkBoom · 09/04/2025 10:53

How would you know though, that her enthusiasm is authentic? Your wife may well be akin to the OP, ie not wanting sex at all whilst pretending that, on occasion, she still does.

One of my friends has faked orgasm her entire life - which I guess could be construed as enthusiasm; but it's still pretend, whichever way it's spun.

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Firstly, orgasms aren't necessarily always the goal.

I feel confident that the enthusiasm is authentic through lots of conversations about sex, intimacy and closeness and how we relate to these things. Because of this, we are comfortable saying this is what I want and it's all I want or this was nice, shall we stop now and cuddle?

Maybe this is less dramatic because as two women we are comfortable with different forms of sex, there isn't a 'premium act' that either of us would feel let down without? That doesn't mean that it's always plain sailing, just there is less pressure for a single act if that isn't working for one of us.

So, you're right, this comes down to a level of trust but I feel confident in this because throughout the rest of our relationship the communication and honesty is there.

Riaanna · 09/04/2025 11:19

WasThatACorner · 09/04/2025 10:44

My wife is a couple of years older than you and in the same boat.

Still, I wouldn't want her to do anything that she isn't 100% up for. That means that we have sex a lot less than we used to. I married her because I love her, care for her not as sex on tap.

So yeah, enthusiastic consent is the bar. Always.

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Did you actually read what I said?

Jumpingthruhoops · 09/04/2025 11:23

singlewhitetrashheap · 09/04/2025 05:52

Nobody cares love.

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How bloody patronising! OP asked a question about male sex drive. A man anwered. So, respectfully, you should probably wind your neck in!

WasThatACorner · 09/04/2025 11:23

Riaanna · 09/04/2025 11:19

Did you actually read what I said?

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Yes, and then I responded.

You don't say if you ever want sex, if you enjoy it or if it happens only when you feel like it and to the extent that you feel like. Just that you are only enthusiastic about your bed.

If you are putting yourself through something uncomfortable or unpleasant then that's not OK for you or for your husband if he knew that.