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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is unreasonable re fuel?

370 replies

Washinginthesun · 08/04/2025 11:54

Genuinely not sure.
I drive to uni every day. My friend usually lives on campus but is at home this week.
She’s asked me for a lift. She lives on the next street.
Obviously I said yes but asked if she’d split fuel costs for the journeys. She says I’m being unreasonable as I’d be going anyway. I’ve always contributed fuel money if someone gives me a lift somewhere.
We’re at a bit of a stalemate.

OP posts:
MrsCastle · 08/04/2025 13:54

caringcarer · 08/04/2025 12:34

I'd tell her to come to my house and the time I was leaving. If she arrived on time I'd give her the lift but if she's late I'm not waiting around for her. Same on return, I'd tell her what time I'm leaving and she arrives on time or I'd go without her. I think she's rude to ask for a lift but not to offer any contribution towards cost because it would cost her if she had to get a bus.

Exactly this!

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 08/04/2025 13:54

doodleschnoodle · 08/04/2025 11:59

I wouldn’t ask a friend for fuel money just for a few days where I was literally doing the journey anyway so no real inconvenience or extra cost to me, but conversely if a friend asked for a contribution I would make one.

This. Bit tight to have asked.

DappledThings · 08/04/2025 13:55

Wouldn't expect to be given money for a trip I was already doing and wouldn't accept it if it was offered.

Rosiecidar · 08/04/2025 13:56

What goes around comes around. If you split the cost that's fine, it's also transactional. Say you're sick, could you ask this friend to do some shopping? Would she help you out ? If she's a friend and you value the friendship be kind and generous to her and nurture a friendship.

HundredPercentUnsure · 08/04/2025 13:56

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 08/04/2025 13:51

Thank you for articulating this much more clearly than I did.

For me, friendships are all about give and take. Usually, things balance out over the time, though it doesn't always matter if that isn't the case - I have friends to whom I have almost certainly given more than I have received, simply because I am in a position to do so. I don't keep tally because they are my friends.

Insisting that each and every interaction has to be equal would suck all of the joy out of relationships in my view.

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I don't think it makes the driver unreasonable though to have asked. Obviously this is only a snapshot of their relationship, and as described by the OP it is transactional in this example.

Glitchymn1 · 08/04/2025 13:57

Does she expect you to pick her up or will she make her way to your digs? and be dropped at yours. I wouldn’t act as a taxi service.

If I was her I’d contribute something though.

HundredPercentUnsure · 08/04/2025 13:57

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 08/04/2025 13:54

This. Bit tight to have asked.

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Student though. Not to be unexpected I'd have thought.

Shoxfordian · 08/04/2025 13:58

If you're driving anyway then it's a bit mean to try to make a profit from her by asking for petrol money tbh.

faerietales · 08/04/2025 13:59

Mareleine · 08/04/2025 12:04

Time waiting for her to show up. Stress of having an extra person instead of quiet time. Less space for OP's stuff in the car if she's driving back with belongings (we don't know if this is the case but it could be).

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It’s a week - I just can’t imagine getting so worked up over this 😵‍💫

ilovelamp82 · 08/04/2025 13:59

I wouldn't have asked under these circumstances, but the fact that you have and she'd actually refusing is cheeky, so sadly at this point I wouldn't take her out of principle, but I do think this should have been avoided as it's a short term favour and you're going anyway.

diddl · 08/04/2025 14:02

If Op is tight for asking, surely her friend is also tight for assuming it wouldn't cost her at all?

Well, at the end of the day Op is the one with the car so she's in the driving seat!

GeorgianaM · 08/04/2025 14:03

She says I’m being unreasonable as I’d be going anyway.

........

That's your decision to make not hers.

Tell her the walk will give her time to reflect on her arrogance and entitled attitude.

Katbum · 08/04/2025 14:03

In my view, it's a bit tight of you to ask a friend to contribute money to a journey you are making anyway, when the request is for a limited time period. In friendships things like this are usually 'pay it forward'. It is not pleasant to be in a friendship with someone who is penny pinching every transaction about who paid more for x, who bought the last round, who drove who where etc. I would only expect to halve petrol if we were sharing a long journey, such as a road trip/holiday, or if the driver was going out of their way. I'd find it really weird if a friend was going somewhere anyway, dropped me off and asked for petrol. Having said that, I would pay just to avoid embarassment, but it would tar the friendship. I'd also not expect a friend to pay me in that circumstance as I'm not a taxi. I'm their mate.

Now obviously we have all come across people who take the piss - and where that is the case boundaries do need to be drawn, e.g. 'you need to buy a round now, as I've never seen you buy me a drink.' But mostly I think these things wax and wane, and where you can afford to be generous to someone, you should be. Perhaps your friend will buy you a thank you gift, or take you to dinner. Or just be more inclined to be there for you in the future when you need something. I don't really understand such transactional friendships.

CurlewKate · 08/04/2025 14:03

As a lift giver I would’nt expect to be paid and would say no if offered. As a lift taker I would offer expecting to be refused, but would willingly pay if it was accepted.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 08/04/2025 14:03

If it were me cadging a lift I would definitely be offering you something, not waiting on the giver of lifts to ask. Cheeky

Flutterbyby · 08/04/2025 14:05

Mareleine · 08/04/2025 12:06

I'm actually embarrassed for the amount of people on this thread who think the world owes them free lifts just because someone happens to be going in that direction.

I'm embarrassed for the people who think it's ok to profit off friends when it costs you nothing to do a favour.

LucastaNoir · 08/04/2025 14:09

I think you’re both being unreasonable. I genuinely wouldn’t ask for money from a friend for a week that’s a one off and doesn’t leave me out of pocket. I’d see it as doing them a short term favour and would assume they’d take me for a drink, get me some flowers or something.

Equally, in your friend’s shoes if you asked me to split the costs, then I would do so straight away, without quibbling about it.

bigboykitty · 08/04/2025 14:10

I think posters need to bear in mind that the OP and her friend are students and not generally rolling in cash. I drilled into my own children at this age that cars and fuel are expensive and they needed to contribute when offered lifts. This isn't about affluent women in their 30s, 40s and 50s, though even then I think it's polite to offer and not assume.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 08/04/2025 14:10

HundredPercentUnsure · 08/04/2025 13:57

Student though. Not to be unexpected I'd have thought.

Edited
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True. I would absolutely pay if asked so she's wrong not to.

diddl · 08/04/2025 14:11

I'm embarrassed for the people who think it's ok to profit off friends when it costs you nothing to do a favour.

Favours often do cost though don't they?

Whether it's time waiting for someone or going out of your way to pick up/drop off.

PassMeTheCookies · 08/04/2025 14:12

For one week, I wouldn’t ask for fuel money. If it were a regular occurrence, yes, but for one week when you’re heading that way anyway, it just doesn’t feel right.

However, if I were the friend who was receiving the lift, I would offer money, or at least treat you to a nice coffee/breakfast one morning on the journey as a thank you.

ZenNudist · 08/04/2025 14:13

SpringIsSpringing25 · 08/04/2025 12:08

You are both being unreasonable.

You are being unreasonable charging a friend for something you would be doing anyway, and she is being unreasonable not to offer something , but I'd have said no don't be daft I'm going anyway. It's only a few days it's not like it's an ongoing commitment that might become inconvenient.

A box of chocolates or flowers or something at the end of the week might be nice, but I wouldn't have been expecting it.

This
You both sound like some growing up is needed.

Ywnu to ask as such
Sibu to refuse to contribute
But swnbu for thinking you are stingy

blackpear · 08/04/2025 14:15

You are both unreasonable, I think. You aren't going to be out of pocket giving her a lift, so didn't need to ask for petrol money. When asked for a contribution, she should just have said yes without quibbling though.

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 08/04/2025 14:16

Shoxfordian · 08/04/2025 13:58

If you're driving anyway then it's a bit mean to try to make a profit from her by asking for petrol money tbh.

Or, to put it another way, if she's going to have to pay for a train ticket anyway, it's a bit mean to try to make a profit by not offering to share that saving.

AngelicKaty · 08/04/2025 14:17

Washinginthesun · 08/04/2025 11:54

Genuinely not sure.
I drive to uni every day. My friend usually lives on campus but is at home this week.
She’s asked me for a lift. She lives on the next street.
Obviously I said yes but asked if she’d split fuel costs for the journeys. She says I’m being unreasonable as I’d be going anyway. I’ve always contributed fuel money if someone gives me a lift somewhere.
We’re at a bit of a stalemate.

@Washinginthesun YANBU. She's missing the point. How would she get home if you didn't agree to give her a lift? Train? Coach? How much would that cost her? However much it would be, that's what you are saving her by agreeing to give her a lift. She's being cheap if she thinks she can save money on her usual transport method, but not contribute to your fuel/depreciation costs. Please point this out to her and then tell her how much she needs to give you. Of course, if she doesn't want to pay you, she can get home the way she usually does and pay the costs for that.