Who is unreasonable re fuel?

[Washinginthesun]

Genuinely not sure.
I drive to uni every day. My friend usually lives on campus but is at home this week.
She’s asked me for a lift. She lives on the next street.
Obviously I said yes but asked if she’d split fuel costs for the journeys. She says I’m being unreasonable as I’d be going anyway. I’ve always contributed fuel money if someone gives me a lift somewhere.
We’re at a bit of a stalemate.

But then she is saving a lot of money by taking advantage of something that OP is paying for.

So you're both going that way and the fuel has to be paid for - those are the basics.

How about if the friend said "Hey, you know what: I'd have to pay somehow for this journey anyway - and it would be a much less pleasant and convenient ride; certainly not door-to-door. You're already providing a taxed, insured and MoT'd vehicle AND you're doing all the driving; so let me pay for ALL of the fuel for our joint journeys, so you benefit a bit from doing me this big favour?" ?

Outrageous and ludicrous even to suggest, with only one of them paying it all for the joint journey? Yet, the other way around, it's apparently 'just what a good friend should do'!

I'd also be wary that she could be sizing this up as a regular, or even semi-regular thing - so it doesn't end up being 'just a one-off favour' for a week or two. Many people will gladly exploit and take full advantage of something that is provided free as far as they are concerned, even if 'free' to them actually means that somebody else is having to pay for it.

It's already a CF warning sign that she protested when asked for a contribution; even if she hadn't thought it necessary to offer, you'd think she'd have accepted the terms when she was directly asked.

I appreciate you driving will be quicker regardless, but if she were to get public transport how much would it cost her? I’d ask for that much. She would be paying that regardless but in more comfort and (likely) a quicker commute.
You aren’t at fault here, a decent person would offer a token gesture first off regardless of whether you’re going that way. If she’d offered you even £20 off the bat I’m sure you’d have taken that.

Fast buck 😂yeah, she'll be rolling in it after this.

I also wonder how much it would cost her to get there.

Both money & time.

I would be happy to pay for the convenience of not waiting for a bus & more or less going door to door in comfort!

Well if she doesn't stump up she surely finds another way to get there then.

Or goes back on campus!

I have personally never asked for fuel money or paid anyone for taking me anywhere. If it was a regular thing, yes. As a one off this week, no I wouldn’t even think about it.

But you’ve said, yes, she must. You can’t be at a stalemate, just don’t pick her up. Just say no if it doesn’t suit you to do it for free.

Personally I would offer to pay always if someone gave me a lift, even if they were going to the same place, otherwise it would cost me lots to go on public transport so I am still saving money

ok it’s for a week, but that’s a week of op hanging around waiting for friend, having someone else in the car so no more quiet time if the way home, and why should friend be so in pocket when it would have cost her far more to get the bus/train whatever

I would go back and say but I am saving you money so let’s split that, to help me defray costs, she doesn’t want to, ok get the bus/train

YANBU - your car, your decision at the end of the day. That said, I personally wouldn't have asked for a fuel contribution for such a short term arrangement ( but I might have hoped for a box of chocolates on the last day!)

There is definitely an introvert/extrovert divide here, as well as the bare finances.

90 minutes of 'me-time' (for the round-trip) each day would be something I would truly treasure and really look forward to - with my own music to listen/sing along to, my choice of audiobook or YouTube download to listen to, or just silence in my own thoughts, with no other distractions - and having to swap that for social time is very, very different indeed from 'it makes no difference to you' to me.

YABVVVU

In my younger days I didnt drive that much and wasnt short of money so providing the car for my walking group, elderly paddle steamer enthusiasts etc was part of my 'contribution' to the days out

I was usually offered a coffee or the pier toll at Clevedon which was appreciated as a token.

Given that you are students and its not just round the corner I would suggest some sort of contribution would be in order, after all the bus would be £3 each way

Oh, I agree that it's reciprocal. But I still think the OP is unreasonable.

If I were the the OP's friend, I would absolutely offer petrol money. However, I would be astonished if any of my friends actually accepted it, because that isn't how we treat each other.

It all seems horribly petty and transactional to me. I guess I'm lucky enough to have nicer friends than some on this thread.

You're going anyway so it won't cost you extra.

I would never dream to ask for fuel money no matter what the favour. I don’t even ask for people to reimburse me for the drop off parking fee at airports… I appreciate you’re at uni so money probably isn’t falling out your pockets but she is right - you’re doing the journey anyway, it’s not every day, it’s a few days.

These type of threads always surprise me with how transactional some people are. They see the world as something where it’s all about what compensates for an inconvenience, what should be paid for. The comment around the added weight in the car made me laugh.

sometimes we should just do a nice thing. It doesn’t have to be made fair, or even.

id happily take someone somewhere I was king anyway. No doubt to some that makes me a mug who is being taken advantage of. I prefer not to see life as simply a series of transactions and something I must ensure I’m not disadvantaged over.

so according to a pp, 100lbs adds 2% onto your fuel consumption.
let's assume that friend and books/laptop adds up to 150lbs that is a 3% additional fuel cost.

If you spend 70 quid to fill up your car and over the week you will use a whole tank now, that means she has caused just over two pounds worth of extra fuel. (there is a whole set of complex calculations now about wear & tear and depreciation that we can ignore)

So tell her to bung you a fiver and everyone's happy, surely?

I think given that you are a student it is perfectly reasonable to ask for a contribution toward fuel. Its also perfectly reasonable to say no to giving someone a lift at all even if you are going that way.

I don't normally charge people for lifts but I earn 50k a year so can afford not to, however I do100% refuse to lift share to work as I have kids to collect, and an unpredictable schedule, and therefore do not want all the addional logistics of giving someone a lift. I had a colleague who tried to convince me for years...we didn't even live in the same place and it would involve another stop at the bloody services....like I have time for that.

Friendship should be reciprocated yes, but that doesn’t have to mean every interaction is a transaction that must be balanced. Sometimes one friend is advantaged, sometime the other.

to see every single interaction as an occasion where it must be fair is really narrow (and petty).

but The British Way (TM) surely is for friend to ask for the lift, OP to say yes, friend to say "I'll give you petrol money", OP to say "pshaw! don't be silly I'm going that way anyway", and then at the end of the week* friend thrusts a bottle of prosecco or petrol forecourt flowers at OP with a hasty "thanks"

*during the week there have been periods where OP has been sitting outside friend's house, quietly seething because friend is not yet ready despite knowing when OP would be there, and OP misses out on Book Club because friend really needs to be home on that day and "please, just this once..."

On one hand, if it’s only a brief spell of lifts to an existing friend and you aren’t going out of your way I’d probably do it for free. However, the friend should at least get you a bottle of wine.

That said, I’d offer to contribute to the petrol if I were your friend. Simply because in the same way as it’s nice for you to do her a favour and give her door to door transport which will impact you (even if it’s just by restricting your ability to set off when you choose), it would be nice for her to do you a similar kindness and help you by chipping in £20 or so for petrol.

In short, she views it as a one way favour for which you deserve no similar kind of kindness.

Yes, indeed.

When if comes to the idea of OP saving money by having a passenger going to the same place and sharing the costs, she's apparently VVVU and a bad friend; but when it comes to the train or bus fare that the friend will save by getting her necessary journey both upgraded AND free, that's just naturally assumed to be fine and not worthy of a mention.

Even if not taking the actual fuel cost for the car into account, you'd have thought that a good friend might have reckoned that they would be paying for the train anyway, so they may as well give the equivalent money to the person kindly driving them as a contribution for a much more pleasant and comfortable journey.

Thank you for articulating this much more clearly than I did.

For me, friendships are all about give and take. Usually, things balance out over the time, though it doesn't always matter if that isn't the case - I have friends to whom I have almost certainly given more than I have received, simply because I am in a position to do so. I don't keep tally because they are my friends.

Insisting that each and every interaction has to be equal would suck all of the joy out of relationships in my view.

Given you are doing her an favour and she will be the one saving money by not using public transport or uba it seems unreasonable to not respond positively to your request

I think it's only one week so I wouldn't have said anything. Your friend might have offered money at the end of the week or paid for a drink on a night out as a thank you. If it was something more long term then yes it would be right for them to pay.

Is that applying to the OP for wanting to benefit by saving money on the necessary journey or to the friend for wanting to benefit by saving money on the necessary journey?