I don’t know what happened when I was drunk.

[BeLemonTraybake]

A few weeks ago, I was at a work event when Im embarrassed to say got very drunk. I am not a drinker, but I must have just totally overdone it and my body is not used to that.

I have a chunk of time where I am unaccounted for. My colleagues don’t know where I was, but it was at quite a big venue so there could be an explanation for that. There were other groups at the event other than my colleagues. But equally, I really don’t know what happened.

i have been running through scenarios for the past few weeks and have even told my husband my fears, and he had told me he is sure it’s all fine and I just need to move on. But I can’t.

I have run through some scenarios that I have even begun to convince myself of.

I am so upset with myself for this and frightened about what I could have done or what could have happened. I am blessed with an amazing husband and children, and I feel like I could have jeopardised everything.

I have no one really to talk to irl about this. I just don’t know what to do or how to move on and would really appreciate advice.

Im not expecting you to be kind to me here. I understand that this is all my own fault. I’m just in a mess and don’t know how to put one foot in front of the other.

The reason why your husband has been so calm about this is because he knows you and he knows that you would never do anything to potentially ruin your marriage
that’s a good thing OP, and you know it too all your feeling us beer fear I’ve blacked out so many times and have had the exact same feeling! In my last relationship something similar happened and I feared the worst because like you I blacked out and woke up in bed at home and I couldn’t remember nothing I still can’t now and I still
remembered the guilt I felt and to this day I’m as none the wiser about what happened as I did then
if you had sex (this is what I told myself) you’d know! You just blanked out stop worrying about it because the more you’ll try to think the more you end up forgetting about that night

You're not the person you were 20 years ago when you would get drunk and hook up - I was that young woman in my 20s, so no judgement at all. I also know what the horrors of having a memory blackout are - it's awful, and so easy to punish yourself over it.

You're older, wiser and you are faithful to your husband and you love him and your children. Of course you wouldn't have wanted to have sex with somone, you don't turn into a different person when you're drunk. You haven't hurt anyone, except yourself with piles! It's 99% likely that you fell asleep on the toilet to end up with piles.

In the very unlikely event that a man took advantage of you, you should have an STD test at a walk in clinic, and a pregnancy test while you're there, just to put your mind at ease.

Your husband isn't making a big deal out of this, so you cannot leave him over this. You have to forgive yourself, even if it needs counselling or short term anti-anxiety medication.

Please stop being so hard on yourself, I don't know you but I wish I could give you a hug. 💐

OP - As others have said your first thought/feeling was not that there had been any sexual activity. Later, when your mind has started to create a number of stories to fill in the hole in your memories, the one that has stuck, on a loop, is the worst one for you. The one that is related to your past, and particularly an experience that you needed counselling over, coupled with your biggest fear - losing your family. Again, as others have said, this is how intrusive thoughts in OCD work. It is worth seeing someone with expertise in OCD ERP therapy if this loop doesn't run itself out very soon. Don't hesitate to ask for help, you 100% deserve to ask for and to receive help if you need it. You got pissed, that was it.

In your situation I'd call the venue and explain you're worried you were taken advantage of and ask them to watch the CCTV for that time period and tell you if you're on it and what you were doing.

This is hilarious.

Same I really feel for her cuz been there as have most
i think op feels so guilty and she’s unaware that it happens and it’s just what we us regular crashouts people have dealt with a few times😰
Beer Fear is the worst it really does send you into frantic panic sometimes

I think you are being a serious drama queen tbh. It's likely nothing happened and you sat in the corner somewhere or just talked to random people. Unless you had a reason to believe this, eg your underwear is missing etc, kindly you're being ridiculous

Hey, hello. I was at your venue the other night and I got absolutely hammered. Now I’m worried I had sex with someone and am thinking of leaving my family because of it. Why do I think that? No, nothing like that. Im just thinking it might have happened. Could you watch a few hours of footage from different cameras around your venue and let me know what I was up to. Be a love. Thanks

Sorry, slight name change.

Thanks for the replies. I just keep having an image of someone in a hotel room with me. This person has no face in my memory and there is no memory of anything happening, but this is what I have come up with when I’ve tried desperately to wrack my brains. I’ve literally sat with my eyes closed for about an hour straight yesterday just desperately trying to think of what happened, to the point I have no idea if this happened or if I’m creating this in my mind.

I know this is awful and don’t worry, I totally hate myself right now. I’m just feeling so lost and alone.

Do I tell my husband about this thought I keep getting?

I think you need to get some therapy first. Sort your own head out, work on the anxiety which is causing you to catastrophise and think you need to tell your husband about something that in all probability didn’t happen and wanting to end your marriage to punish yourself.

Your husband currently believes you and trusts you. At worst, all this focusing on and telling your husband how you think you must have been with another man is potentially going to convince him that you were, that you were fully aware of it, and that you’re making sure if there were any witnesses who might tell, you have this little story going first to explain it away.

It’s almost like you’re trying to sabotage your marriage.
If he knows of your anxiety (is that a current diagnosis?) and OCD (others have suggested it’s this but you haven’t actually said you have it so I’m not sure) and will rationally put it down to that, and you will believe what he says, then of course you should tell him.

But if you’re going to dismiss his support and push and push then I don’t see the benefit.

Get therapy and sort your anxiety out for the sake of your child, this is not healthy 😑

It is the beer fear too. There is no evidence of an assault so hopefully it is fear only.

I am not a regular drinker either, I attended an early occasion recently started a glass wine, drank a further 7.

I have huge memory gaps but flashbacks, anyone could have sidelined me.

DH was at home, thankfully I was with family but it has put me off drinking again.
Next time I'll count 3 and stop drinking.

It made me realise that although I was walking and talking, I was completely gone.

This is the latest scenario your mind has created, this new faceless person in a hotel room. You do need therapy. Imagining newer and progressively worse scenarios and seeking reassurance from yourself or others post alcohol blackout is not unusual. The reassurances become counterproductive in feeding the cycle. Get help to tackle this for the sake of all of you.

Thank you. Hate that I’ve caused all this drama for myself.

You need to stop spiralling. I know it’s hard but you’ve got to try and get yourself into the right mindset. You’ve most likely just been chatting away, just because you can’t remember it doesn’t mean you will have done something completely out of character. You are still you, even when blacked out. I wouldn’t keep saying things to your husband, just focus on getting your mind right

Thank you. I have now booked an appointment with a therapist. I don’t want to tell my husband that but I also feel like I’m being deceitful. The appointment isn’t for another 2 weeks.

What is wrong with me? I’m frightened by the mess I’ve created. I’m afraid that this is all going to come back on me whether I try to move on or not. I feel like I just need to live on some desert island somewhere where I can’t cause problems for those I love.

To be brutal with you if you stopped drinking you would not be facing this situation. Maybe get help as well as seeing a therapist.

@madaboutpurple - I know you’re right.

I promise you it does get better. I know it seems impossible right now and like you’ve ruined your life, everything, but it will be okay. Talk to your therapist, she will help explain why you feel the way you do. A lot of it is anxiety and all in the mind. But it will get better I promise just stick with it

Thank you @Ineedanotherholidaynow. I’m currently in the bathroom. Trying to shut myself off from everyone. I can only hope things will get better, as I just feel like I’ve snowballed so far with this. I still have no real answers but the story my mind has (hopefully) created has just got stronger and the self loathing is just getting worse. I try to put it out of my mind, which works very briefly, until I get a huge wave of panic that comes over me as the thoughts return.

I know it’s hard but try and get out and around other people - it will make you feel better and try and get back to a bit of normality. Speak to yourself as if you were a friend. Don’t self loath, say no to yourself to stop the thoughts in their tracks

@Ineedanotherholidaynow thank you for being so kind to me.