I don’t know what happened when I was drunk.

[BeLemonTraybake]

A few weeks ago, I was at a work event when Im embarrassed to say got very drunk. I am not a drinker, but I must have just totally overdone it and my body is not used to that.

I have a chunk of time where I am unaccounted for. My colleagues don’t know where I was, but it was at quite a big venue so there could be an explanation for that. There were other groups at the event other than my colleagues. But equally, I really don’t know what happened.

i have been running through scenarios for the past few weeks and have even told my husband my fears, and he had told me he is sure it’s all fine and I just need to move on. But I can’t.

I have run through some scenarios that I have even begun to convince myself of.

I am so upset with myself for this and frightened about what I could have done or what could have happened. I am blessed with an amazing husband and children, and I feel like I could have jeopardised everything.

I have no one really to talk to irl about this. I just don’t know what to do or how to move on and would really appreciate advice.

Im not expecting you to be kind to me here. I understand that this is all my own fault. I’m just in a mess and don’t know how to put one foot in front of the other.

You can’t remember what you did. So what? Why does it matter?

You’re massively overreacting to literally nothing here.

Well it doesn’t matter does it because you don’t remember?

You sound like you have OCD intrusive thoughts here.

It matters because I have a family that I love. Because I have responsibilities.

Have you told your two friends who helped you get to bed about your fears? And do you trust them to be honest with you? In your position I would ask them to tell you honestly what kind of state you were in, I agree with pp that if you had had sex or been assaulted they would probably have has some kind of inkling of that at the time.

I honestly think the same as others, you just fell asleep on the loo. Everything is ok.

“What if” on repeat is classic intrusive thoughts, caused by OCD. Why you are fixated on that rather than (say) “what if I took drugs?” or “what if I stole some money out of an unattended jacket?” is something therapy could untangle, but it’s probably that you love your family and husband so much that your brain goes to the worst thing it can imagine. It actually makes it less, not more, likely to have happened. Like when mothers have intrusive thoughts of harming their baby and try to give their child to social services because they want to keep them safe.

The most likely thing is that nothing happened and you spent the time on the loo, hence the piles.

Would suggest you get some treatment for your anxiety and (if necessary) your drinking. Drinking to excess won't be helping your anxious tendencies at all.

But if you were so drunk you couldn’t consent are you suggesting you have been assaulted?

It's very unlikely you were with someone op. You were at a work event, had clothes on. I'm sorry you're feeling so upset. If something out of the ordinary happened, you'd be more likely go have some memory of it.

Or could have been, likely is you say somewhere spinning but what a mess.

Then maybe you should have thought of that before you got pissed.

OP it is simply fact that you cannot consent to anything when in such a state of intoxication.

It sounds like your DH, being the only person from whom you would require forgiveness if you were of sound mind (which you weren’t) and had consented to an affair (which you couldn’t have), doesn’t hold any of this against you.

So why are you so intent on punishing yourself?

It really does sound like you’re suffering from anxiety, for which you should seek help as soon as possible.

I completely understand being concerned for your safety, and being worried in case you had been assaulted, but your fixation on your “fault” or failure is misplaced.

Like everyone else, you made a mistake. This mistake was miscalculating your drink. You won’t find anyone in the world who hasn’t made a mistake. You are not special in that regard. In the same way you must forgive others, even forgiving those that you love for how they hurt you, you must also occasionally be forgiven, even by those that you love for how you hurt them. Again, this isn’t special - and what I mean by that, is that this isn’t a catastrophic scenario. Don’t turn it into something it isn’t by choosing to overreact (such as leaving your DH when he hasn’t asked you to!).

As I said - and I mean this very kindly and gently - it really sounds like you need some therapy and mental health support to work through your feelings about this.

It sounds like nothing anyone here says will reassure you, so what are you going to do?

This is the most likely scenario. Time flies when you're in your cups and having a sit down. My friend in our early twenties was worried she couldn't remember what happened at a party. I was able to reassure her she was asleep behind a sofa. Bad enough I suppose but hardly scandalous.

No it would not be your fault. If you were as drunk as you remember, you could not give proper consent as you weren't in your right mind.

Agree with this. I have anxiety and OCD and exactly the same tendencies to catastrophise as the OP is showing.

OP, don't even think about leaving your husband. That's your lack of self-worth due to what sounds like a horrible childhood talking. You haven't done anything wrong - you just drank too much. I've done the same thing hundreds of times. Please do think about getting some CBT as you are experiencing intrusive thoughts.

Oh bore off.

What a charmer.

And how does not remembering affect them and this?

This comment is what's making me think you do know what happened.

Forgive yourself. Your husband's already forgotten. You lost an hour of the evening.

Hi OP, this is your anxiety talking. When your brain can’t remember things it tries to help by filling in the gaps and it will ALWAYS go to the worst thing possible. It’s like a form of self protection. The anxiety will pass and you will start to feel better. Try and be kind to yourself, drink lots of fluids and try to get outside for some fresh air. Don’t let yourself ruminate on things as you can’t think yourself out of anxiety and it won’t make it better x

Of all the things, why has your mind gone to that without apparently a shred of evidence?

I think you are massively overreacting. There is nothing at all to suggest you did anything with anybody. There would have been some evidence. This sounds like your anxiety at play. You certainly shouldn’t blow your life up by leaving over something that very likely didn’t happen.

You were probably throwing up somewhere. You need tests to put your mind at rest. Counselling too, it sounds a bit like you're trying to sabotage the only good thing in your life.

Anxiety and OCD. I'm the same. I've never done anything in that state IRL either, just been horrified at leaving myself potentially vulnerable enough for it to happen.