I don’t know what happened when I was drunk.

[BeLemonTraybake]

A few weeks ago, I was at a work event when Im embarrassed to say got very drunk. I am not a drinker, but I must have just totally overdone it and my body is not used to that.

I have a chunk of time where I am unaccounted for. My colleagues don’t know where I was, but it was at quite a big venue so there could be an explanation for that. There were other groups at the event other than my colleagues. But equally, I really don’t know what happened.

i have been running through scenarios for the past few weeks and have even told my husband my fears, and he had told me he is sure it’s all fine and I just need to move on. But I can’t.

I have run through some scenarios that I have even begun to convince myself of.

I am so upset with myself for this and frightened about what I could have done or what could have happened. I am blessed with an amazing husband and children, and I feel like I could have jeopardised everything.

I have no one really to talk to irl about this. I just don’t know what to do or how to move on and would really appreciate advice.

Im not expecting you to be kind to me here. I understand that this is all my own fault. I’m just in a mess and don’t know how to put one foot in front of the other.

If no one has said anything you were probably just I’m chatting to someone or in the loo. Seeing as you can’t remember maybe it’s time to stop over thinking what you may have done

This is why I'm now sober.

Look - it's one of two things. Maybe you do have some memory/symptoms that you haven't disclosed, and you really do know you had sex, which is why you're fixating on this. Or you have a total blackout and anxiety is feeding you these thoughts.

The thing is, you were so drunk you couldn't consent to sex anyway. So it's just not possible that you cheated - assault isn't cheating.

Now, if you really do remember a bit more then you are telling us - specifically who assaulted you - then you have got the option to report them.

If not, the very best thing you can do is accept you don't remember, and that you haven't betrayed your husband regardless. I can't recommend a teetotal life enough - I am so greatful every morning to wake up without fear.

I once had a complete loss of memory from drinking too much for a couple of hours due to drinking too much but nothing bad happened as I was in the company of my family all the time at a wedding. So get a pregnancy test and std check and then forget it. As to considering leaving your husband and children..that would be very cruel indeed.

Be kind to yourself. Get tested and get therapy to help you get past this. Xx

A little harsh! This woman is distressed enough.

OP, I had this exact scenario a couple of times while at uni. I obsessed over it too, and also 'confessed' to a boyfriend at the time.

What I can say now though, with 20 years of hindsight, is that my anxiety and OCD was very bad at the time and was directly causing this obsession. I think you need to think of this as an anxiety problem that you need to calm yourself from, not a cheating situation that you need to punish yourself for.

Let the guilt go - you almost certainly did nothing wrong.

If you’d had sex, there would be some physical signs, I’m sure. Best not to get that drunk again though.

Have you asked these colleagues if you were with anyone,or anyone was hanging around you .
Could your drink of been spiked

It's possible that you were spiked.

This is ocd and anxiety as others have said. People without this can shrug this off and you can’t because you’re catastrophising. You’re living it over and over and trying to remember which is feeding the original fear. I’d say you needed some support with the anxiety over anything else. The fact you care so much about this situation is a testament to how much you care for your family. Try and think of the bigger picture.

@BeLemonTraybake

I'm going to be honest, though possibly wrong.

I believe that you might have a smidgen of a memory that suggests you did something you know you shouldn't have, and this thread is a way of planting an 'alibi' for yourself so that it if it all comes out you can say "See! I have no memory".

Sorry to be harsh and of course I might be wrong.

I definitely believe you were hammered and not functioning as you normally would, but you are so fixed on sex and it is in fact, really rare to have a complete blackout, but then remember stuff later on....

So assuming I am not wrong, I believe it would be far more helpful to you, i to be honest about what might have/definitely did, happen - get some good advice based on everything you do actually remember and take it from there. You can always get the thread deleted once its served its purpose.

Lol yeah someone spiked one of the 27 vodkas she pounded. We've all been there OP x

Having sex or thinking you might have without any evidence?

Would never do what?

Was your knickers wet with a substance that doesn't belong to you?

Yes

She’s gone to sex as it is the worst case scenario for the memory gap. She is catastrophising.

OP, you got home seemingly without any bruises, bites, burns, any other marks. Your clothing wasn't in disarray, you had your belongings. No one seems to have posted pics of you in flagrante or doing something embarrassing and you aren't the talk of work. So that's the good news. Just be aware next time and limit your intake or watch your drink in case you were spiked

You had a lucky escape op

I was just going to say this but MOJO already did ...
"
"You’ve just had a drunk “blackout” - I’ve had them a couple of times and it really scared me as I literally remember nothing - although friends have reported that I was either chatting away to random people or I was sat quietly not saying anything"

I've done the same, the blackouts have worried me (my bank tells me I bought more drinks than I thought, although some not for me) but anyone I've asked always says I seemed fine.

I think the advice of a walk in clinic is good. I would also urge you to carefully consider your relationship with alcohol. Are you still having counselling?

sorry I'm dying of laughter

I’ve been in this situation a few times and you just CANT get over it it’s like this constant anxiety and fear because you don’t remember

however I will always know if I’ve had sex or not because I can just tell
What is your gut telling you here?
has anyone at work been acting sus since?
would you not know like not be able to feel you’ve dtd?

Ugh have a day off this shit happens so often

I wonder if you've done this subconsciously to "punish" yourself OP?

Sounds like you have a lot of unresolved trauma, and you seem to latch onto worst case scenarios where others would think no more than Bloody Hell I was so pissed I have a blank spot in my memory - then would think no more about it.