I don’t know what happened when I was drunk.

[BeLemonTraybake]

A few weeks ago, I was at a work event when Im embarrassed to say got very drunk. I am not a drinker, but I must have just totally overdone it and my body is not used to that.

I have a chunk of time where I am unaccounted for. My colleagues don’t know where I was, but it was at quite a big venue so there could be an explanation for that. There were other groups at the event other than my colleagues. But equally, I really don’t know what happened.

i have been running through scenarios for the past few weeks and have even told my husband my fears, and he had told me he is sure it’s all fine and I just need to move on. But I can’t.

I have run through some scenarios that I have even begun to convince myself of.

I am so upset with myself for this and frightened about what I could have done or what could have happened. I am blessed with an amazing husband and children, and I feel like I could have jeopardised everything.

I have no one really to talk to irl about this. I just don’t know what to do or how to move on and would really appreciate advice.

Im not expecting you to be kind to me here. I understand that this is all my own fault. I’m just in a mess and don’t know how to put one foot in front of the other.

I know that logically, nothing probably happened. But the word probably is what’s bothering me. I have a history of anxiety and I know that this will plague me until I be as sure as I can be. So maybe a pregnancy test and STD check will help to give me that peace of mind. I’ve literally had 3 weeks of hell trying to deal with this and tying myself up in knots.

You were probably just passed out in a toilet cubicle. I would try not to overthink but, instead, use the "hangxiety" to make some positive changes.

Getting so pissed isn't good at the best of times, but to do so at a work event would be potential career suicide for many of us. I'm not trying to sound judgy - I've been there - and it's the main reason I gave up drinking altogether.
I wasn't a big drinker and it didn't take much for me to completely overdo it which sounds pretty much the same as you. I don't miss it at all.

happens to the best of us!

What makes you think you had sex? Is there something which led up to your disappearance that makes you think this or how you felt the next day?

If you were that drunk then surely you wouldn’t have been able to consent.

However, I have had black out drinking when younger and the anxiety after can create an awful void and panic. I don’t drink now.

As others have said, it’s possible you were asleep or in the toilets, but it does sound like you have reason to think otherwise.

This sounds really odd to me. The fact that you are so hung up on having sex / being taken advantage of suggests deep down you know you did something. It’s just not the first place a married woman’s head would go unless you have some form of doubt. I’d be more worried id embarrassed myself in front of colleagues by doing or saying something daft. I don’t have form for randomly sleeping with people so it wouldn’t cross my mind.

I know that this is right. I really was that drunk that I would believe consent to be impossible. Doesn’t mean nothing happened though. There is nothing specific that indicates I had sex. I suppose it’s just the worst possible scenario and I can’t rule it out since I have no memory.

I imagine you felt quite unwell (I would have done) and went to the loo, sat down and...time passed, you sobered up enough to get up again and found your way back to the party. Or as pps said, a quiet corner where you could lie down for a bit

This is such a weird anxiety, sorry OP. There would be signs you had sex surely? Besides it so unlikely you would if you wouldn't dream if it in real life.

Someone at the event made a pass at me earlier on in the evening. I think this has added to my fear. I was in no way interested in this person and it’s someone I don’t actually know who was at another event there.

Sorry you are going through this I would be concerned I made a fool of myself in front of work colleagues and would be beating myself up over that

When you reappeared did you colleagues ask you where you had been / how you were acting? How did you get home?

I would assume (but thankfully no experience) if something sinister happened you would have bruising and feel sore?

If anything truly shocking happened you would most likely have flashbacks, unless you were unconscious but if you were able to rejoin your colleagues later that’s not the case.

If you remember absolutely nothing then I expect you just dozed off on a chair somewhere.

I have run through some scenarios that I have even begun to convince myself of.

You know these scenarios are just imaginary, don't you? When they start running it is possible to flip them by imaging different ones, such as you fell asleep in a loo (which may well be much closer to the reality) instead. Make it as vivid and detailed as you can and it will become the default 'memory'.

You’d have some sort of flash backs. Stop worrying.
I also get irrational worries that I can’t let go of sometimes. I think you’ve just got absolutely major beer fear. Let this go 🙂

Your husband is right - nothing happened and you need to move on. You'll have been asleep on the loo or something like that. If sex (or sexual assault) had occurred, there would be physical signs.

This isn't uncommon. People get unwisely drunk every day of the week, all over the planet.
There's no point in worrying about what might have happened. I'm sure if you were SA'd or robbed or hurt you'd remember a bit or there'd be some evidence?
I hope you know that you just need to only have one or two drinks in future when out with colleagues.
You didn't shame yourself in front of them and they were probably all drunk themselves anyway.

I know how you’re feeling to an extent. I had a blackout at a Christmas do several years ago. There was a 2 hour period I have no recollection of. I’ve never had loss of memory in my life so it really bothered me. I was lucky in that my
sober husband was at the event and knew where I was all night and knew I hadn’t done anything daft. But my anxiety lay more in what I might have said to people.
It is a horrible feeling and I really feel for you. I also struggle with ‘’maybes’ and ‘probablys’. I need to know for a fact, but sadly in these cases that isn’t possible. And the only thing that you can go is eventually accept that the chances are that nothing sinister happened and try to carry on with life.

I agree with the asleep-on-toilet scenario. Happened to me several times in my youth, for up to an hour each time. Unless you have any evidence to worry otherwise, this is the most likely scenario.

I suspect you've added two and two together and made five. You're feeling guilty about out-of-character behaviour and are punishing yourself for it by imagining this scenario where you cheated on your husband and don't remember it. Firstly, I am sure you'd have SOME memory of having sex, unless you were drugged. I've had my drink spiked before and trust me, you do know afterwards that you were drugged. (I was fine - a friend took me home). You'd have physical signs of having had sex too.

I once accidentally got really drunk at a friend's hen do (we played beer pong and I've never been able to handle doing shots) and was convinced afterwards I'd snogged the barman, but luckily I hadn't. My friends were with me the whole time and nothing happened. So try not to stress, although do the tests if that'll put your mind at rest.

I’d imagine if no one saw you during that time you had simply gone to the toilet and fell asleep or been sick

The only occasion that I have ever had a period of time that I just can’t account for was when my drink was spiked, could that have happened to you?
Whenever I have been drunk, no matter how bad, I can always vaguely remember what I was doing/saying.

Appreciate we all react differently to alcohol, of course. I would have thought if you had been taken advantage of in some way, that you would have felt the physical effects of it afterwards? It’s a horrible feeling though, to not remember, hope you can put it behind you quickly.

Without wanting to be graphic, I think you’d have awareness if you had sex.

It sounds like anxiety really has a grip on you with this. Do you have anxiety generally?

Maybe worth seeking some support with this? I had intrusive thoughts when I used to drink. As a PP mentioned, could you try and replace this with sleeping in the loo memories.

I've not exceeded my 2 drink limit at a work event in the last 8 years for exactly this reason.
I passionately kissed a guy while frighteningly drunk (but I DID remember it - just - the next day, at which point I told my DH).
You won't have had sex, that's a really extreme thing to have done and not realistic under the circumstances - ie, you were out at a function/bar and not at a house party with bedrooms and so on.

Come on, surely there are physical signs if you were having sex? Surely? You were probably having it in your mind, if at all!

I think it is really unlikely that if something significant had happened you would have no memory of it at all. I know people forget things when drunk, but some memories would have come back to you since, of at least being with someone. I think if you still have no memory at all it is far more likely you passed out somewhere, or went out for some air, or similar. The key thing is to learn from it, and not put yourself in this position again.

The only physical symptom I had is (sorry tmi), piles that had appeared by the following morning. Sorry I know that’s really gross to mention. Even in the memories I have created, there is no memory of a person. Just a scenario, if that makes sense. I’m just so frightened. I don’t have a lot of good in my life. Never have. Other than my amazing family I’ve been able to build with my amazing husband. Literally everything else in my life has been such a difficult struggle. I have no siblings and my parents just weren’t there for me in life. The fact I could have jeopardised the good I’ve been able to forge in my life is just terrifying.