I don’t know what happened when I was drunk.

[BeLemonTraybake]

A few weeks ago, I was at a work event when Im embarrassed to say got very drunk. I am not a drinker, but I must have just totally overdone it and my body is not used to that.

I have a chunk of time where I am unaccounted for. My colleagues don’t know where I was, but it was at quite a big venue so there could be an explanation for that. There were other groups at the event other than my colleagues. But equally, I really don’t know what happened.

i have been running through scenarios for the past few weeks and have even told my husband my fears, and he had told me he is sure it’s all fine and I just need to move on. But I can’t.

I have run through some scenarios that I have even begun to convince myself of.

I am so upset with myself for this and frightened about what I could have done or what could have happened. I am blessed with an amazing husband and children, and I feel like I could have jeopardised everything.

I have no one really to talk to irl about this. I just don’t know what to do or how to move on and would really appreciate advice.

Im not expecting you to be kind to me here. I understand that this is all my own fault. I’m just in a mess and don’t know how to put one foot in front of the other.

OP. You were vulnerable and your sprinkling because you feel guilty that you made yourself vulnerable.

you need to speak to someone and try to forgive yourself for that. As most posters have said, you most likely sat on the loo asleep for a long time (hence the piles). You are a good person and deserve the life you have. This has given space for your worst fears about yourself to surface. Work on some positive self talk, kindness and speak to someone who clan help you work through these feelings.

** spiralling

I feel for you OP. This happened to me once on holiday. I used to drink lots in my youth and could handle my alcohol fairly well, I also ALWAYS remembered everything that happened until this one night. I remember being in a bar, outside a bar and in a guys hotel room but I couldn’t tell you how I got to each place. I don’t know if we had sex but it was possible. I ended up taking the morning after pill just in case and then tested when I got home. All was fine but it is a horrible feeling. There’s nothing you can do about it now (apart from getting an STI check) just learn from it and ensure if doesn’t happen again!

Are you sure you were not spiked?
I think it sounds unlikely you have lost all memories from just drinking. I know some people do, but if you are someone that doesn’t blank out usually. This would set off serious alarm bells for me op. It can happen in any environment. Sadly we are seeing an epidemic of cases such as this. Don’t assume or rule it out,

Did you do some intimate checks? Have you noticed anything that feels different? Was all your underwear in tact and in the same position?

I would also ask the venue for camera footage and see if you can see what happened.

@Livingbytheocean yes, sure I wasn’t spiked. This happened to me a few times when I was a lot, lot younger, although I’d always just been with friends the whole time so no time unaccounted for. I just don’t drink much and haven’t done for many years, so I’ve been caught out by overindulging.

STD tests are confidential. If you are concerned you can say you don't currently have a GP or something.

OP, that happened to me once when I was young, never again. I blamed myself for years and years, it's only in recent times that I have seen I was taken advantage of.

In my case, no STD or problems.

Good luck - and in your case nothing may have happened. Don't dwell on it but make sure you don't drink again. I don't have to tell you that.

Sorry Op, it sounds like you would be better to give up drinking at work events. It sounds as though you will. Has anything been mentioned at work. If not you might have got away this time. Next time might be a different story so please don't drink so much that you are not aware of your own actions let alone anyone else's.

I'm not invalidating her feelings, I have anxiety and Adhd and a somewhat complicated history with sex. Am I not allowed to share my thoughts and experiences without someone jumping down my throat? I would be reassured knowing it happens to other people and that there's probably nothing to worry about.

I have ADHD and anxiety. I take a high dose of Sertraline and Lamotrigine, and carry Propranolol around in my bag fgs! I'm also a victim of SA. Am I not allowed to share my experience and opinion?

You’ve just had a drunk “blackout” - I’ve had them a couple of times and it really scared me as I literally remember nothing - although friends have reported that I was either chatting away to random people or I was sat quietly not saying anything.

In all likelihood you’ve gone to the loo and fallen asleep in a cubicle, been chatting shit to random strangers or gone off and sat on your own for a bit. There is no reason that in your drunken state you would have gone off and shagged someone - unless you were subconsciously wanting to do that (which by the sounds of it that was far from your mind).

I think you are building this up in your mind into something that it isn’t - give yourself a break, you just had too much to drink.

Also edited to say I put YANBU- meaning YANBU to feel anxious, however it is highly unlikely you have done anything sinister.

Please do not leave your husband over this!!

I’m not sure if PPs have asked this, but isn’t the most obvious thing to just ask a couple of colleagues you work more closely with what happened??

I really think the most likely explanation though is that you took yourself off to the loo and just fell asleep in a cubicle for a couple of hours.

But please be kind to yourself - this is not “you” is it, and you need to move on now.

Did they ask you where you’d been, have you asked them? I think if you’d done anything like you are worried about you would just know if you know what I mean?

You would STILL know if you had sex. Someone would have told you that your clothes were messed up, and you would feel it.

I think you are concerned about a fear that isn't realistic.

I hope you stick to ginger ale and water from now on, though. It seems drinking and you don't go together well.

Personally, I think you need some sort of intense therapy.

@BeLemonTraybake I haven't read the full thread, just your updates.

Just wanted to say that from your posts there's really no reason to think that anyone took advantage of you or that you did anything sexual. I think most likely you just feel asleep in the toilets or something. You could have an STD test if it'll help you feel better but I think that you are over worrying.

If someone had taken advantage of you it would be totally their fault and not yours. Not a reason for you to think about leaving your partner because you wouldn't be to blame!! But there's no reason to think this happened anyway.

I think you would benefit from finding a good therapist to talk this through with, hopefully they would help you feel better. It sounds like your anxiety is the problem here - I also have anxiety so I know what it's like. A good therapist can really help.

@BeLemonTraybake sorry for repeating what I've already mostly said, but just wanted to be clear.

You can't consent if you are so drunk that you can't remember the next day. That wouldn't be consent, it would be assault and it would not be your fault. I don't think this did happen from what you've posted, but even if your worst case scenario was true you would not be to blame.

I really think you would benefit from counselling and I say this having been to counselling myself. Please don't think about leaving your husband over this or worry that you're not good enough. You haven't done anything wrong.

Love @FurFangsPawsAndClaws reply, sorry seems to relate to @BeLemonTraybake really well and agree piles probably from sitting on the toilet for so long or a cold surface you didn't realise was cold at the time.

Look obviously drinking that much is probably not the best of ideas, for your health either but I wouldn't worry too much or be too hard on yourself. If you did kiss someone there, it's obvious it wasn't intentional. I would just leave it there. If you think you may have slept with someone on the other hand, you could go for an sti test and keep an eye your not pregnant. I wouldn't mention that fear or that your getting an sti test to your husband because you don't even know if anything did happen. The worst worst case scenario, you are pregnant and then ya, you will have to make a decision on that and break the news to your husband. You got this

You posted about this before, right? This sounds like OCD/intrusive thoughts. Speak to your GP about CBT - it won't stop here. And if you feed it by trying to find proof nothing happened (it didn't) it makes it worse. I've been there myself and even posted about it at the time I think!

I think you need to forgive yourself learn from the experience, that you’re safe and it’s not going to happen again if you genuinely think cheating is something that could of happened get checked out, maybe you just fell asleep in a corner or was just chatting to someone else :)

Edited to say that I was quoting a PP that referred to falling asleep on the loo. "Quote" button failure!

I too would bet on this. I may or may not have fallen asleep on the toilet in my younger years...

I would imagine you'd be aware if something untoward had happened, but do the tests, just to give you peace of mind. You'll be in a constant state of "what if" otherwise.

Assuming they all come back clear, which I imagine they will, you will just have to chalk it up to experience and know that you'll never fully know what happened in that time frame.

If you've already sought therapy in the past about your experience with the man than followed you, I'd encourage you to revisit that.

Take it from us, independent outsiders, that drinking too much and having a blank phase in the night isn't enough to destroy your marriage over, especially when your DH isn't kicking off about it himself.

I lost most of 1999...I think I had a good time! No idea.

What if you had your drinks spiked and were taken advantage of? Have STI checks as soon as possible. Thereafter, never drink alcohol outside the home, and be very, very wary - never go back to a drink you have left unattended etc. If memories start to appear, have therapy and go from there.

Sorry, but I think you're being dishonest about something. There is literally NO WAY my thoughts would go this way if I had been drunk at an event, because it's so far removed from something I would do. Why on earth would you assume or even think that you may have had sex with someone?? So bizarre if that's not the norm for you!!

Hope you're OK. This scenario happened to me years ago, not a drinker, persuaded to go to a party with people from work while working away from home, drink, 'strange cigarettes', woke up in bed with someone from work. Worst part was ended up pregnant. Bad enough telling OH what had happened, worse weeks later having to tell him of the positive test.

Don't drink now unless he's with me. Though I'd be happy TT.