45k salary entirely eaten by childcare

[Sofiewoo]

Granted salaries aren’t what they were only a handful of years ago but aibu to be shocked that my 45k salary is now entirely eaten by childcare and getting to work??
I figured if you are earning in the 20s you would assume that but not mid 40s!

I’m trying to weigh up whether to just take the next year and a half off instead of working for nothing. I know, pension, career blah blah but it’s mentally very difficult to juggle drop offs, work schedules and sickness but be no better off financially at the end of the month.

Did anyone else not realise it was a bad as this?

@Sofiewoo what is your dh position ? Does he do drop offs and pick ups . Does he pay half childcare costs ?

If you can find a way to still make pension contributions then I’d take the time off. I disagree that the job market is dire at the moment - I get the impression there’s a serious lack of decent candidates in many roles!

School nurseries are typically only for school hours and school terms, so no use for full time workers. They are much cheaper but in ours at least, they don't allow nursery children to do wraparound care or school holiday club (I assume because of ratios).

My worry would be that by taking a year off you then set the precedent that childcare is your responsibility, and it changes the dynamic in your marriage. That can be hard to come back from. Is there any way you and your DH could either drop some hours, or do compressed hours so that you each work a 4 day week? That would reduce your childcare bill, and keep your career going, rather than you becoming the default parent, and the one who has to make all the sacrifices.

Because the result for the woman isn't the same as it is for the man. The job market is really harsh at the moment with no signs of it getting better, this could be the reality for years given the state of the world and economy; someone leaving a secure, decent paid job should give it a lot more consideration than they did a few years back. Lots have said just take a year out and then go back to work, that'd be nice if it was guaranteed wouldn't it. It's not just an affect on pension, its a sizable career hit which in some industries is fine, in others it's not. Reality is as well is that things done get easier once they get to school, in some ways it gets harder and wraparound can still be pricey, makes sense to figure it out as a family rather than the man carrying on his career and progressing unfettered.

It depends i suppose whether you subscribe to the idea that parents should be equally responsible for their children, or whether it's womens work.

It's because you have 2 under school age. You need to find a preschool attached to a school for the 3 yo and your bills will reduce dramatically.

Your posts are actually incredibly aggressive and patronising.

My partner does all the mornings, sorts all the kids stuff, changed his hours so he can drop off 5 days a week and finishes early on 2 days so he can pick up. His company are more generous and have paid dependant leave if the kids are sick so he usually stays off with them. He took long paternity leave.

None of that changes the fact that at the end of the month we as a family are no better off after I’ve worked 160 hours plus commute during the month.

I actually think that deep down a lot of women don’t want to work when children are small, they like the drama of all of it, why not just come out and say it?!

I have no issues saying I find the thought of working a full time job every month for essentially no income thoroughly unappealing. I don’t think that’s rare or uncommon. I imagine a man would feel exactly the same.

Not to be a downer also - but women need an independent income. For me I had to leave my XP because he became an alcoholic (or maybe always was but it became impossible); I couldn't have done this with no independent income. You never know what's round the corner. Unless you have a trust fund or something then I would not consider being without a job. But that's just me.

The big reasons to stay in a job are
Maintain or progress career
A current reference
Pension
Ni Credits.

But these are somewhat sort-outable.

You can get NI credits if you claim child benefit.

You can look at yours and your employers pension contributions and make a similar level or at least some..

The career maintaining is very industry specific.

The biggest 'risk' to me is childcare is very expensive but tends to exist for nursery age. But a lot of schools/areas have crap wrap around care and, as you are already not in work, you find the onus is on you to find a job that fits school hours, rather than you and your partner to juggle and each make it work.

One way to look at it is that the women (and it is mostly women) who are looking after your children are getting paid to do so, so you are spreading your wealth around?! Hoepfully they are getting more than minimum wage and it’s not all going to shareholders of a nursery group

Yes, I hear you! I ended up leaving my £30,000 per year job, because I was left with a daily fiver, after fuel and childcare! It was ridiculous. I ended up leaving and claiming tax credits until my youngest started secondary school! Why don't the government bring back the sure start (government owned) affordable nurseries?! It would stop mums leaving their jobs!

I remember balking at the cost when I put my twins in nursery - it was about £1000 a month for the pair for 4 days a week. BUT - we also got a lot of child tax credits towards that, and so even though DH and I were only on about £17k each, it worked out fine for us. This was 2010ish.

If we had them now, even with our salaries combined topping out at about £75k, I don't think we'd have even close to such a comfortable lifestyle.

So I feel for you.

She works in a sector with relatively high pay, that is not applicable to other industries, but the principle stands. She found a headhunter who specialises in getting women back into the workplace after kids. I know it can be hard for women to re-enter the workplace but I don’t have any friends who really struggled to find work after kids. I am simply giving that as balance to the doom and gloom.

I work in one and my children attended another and for both there is a private day nursery that do drop offs/pick ups and holiday club. Might vary by area.

I retired in an unexpected way. I had some health issues and was weary about life overall due to two close bereavements so decided to leave work. DH paid for everything for around 18 months until I could claim my pension at 55. I also have a friend who was medically retired in her early fifties, she developed a for life very severe disability. It was not something I thought of when I took out my pension at 21 and assumed it would just be more money when I hit 60 as retirement age was 60 when I started out.

The other issue is divorce or ending up single, I have 3 friends all divorcing in their fifties. It’s been a shock and one marriage was over 30 years.

If you end up ill or alone and no one can predict that then anyone’s life is so much harder without a decent pension. Some will struggle to afford pension payments but if you have the choice you should keep it going.

Could you and your partner both condense your hours (so 5 days in 4). And then the kids get 2 days off?
I think pension etc is important to maintain, and going to preschool is also beneficial for your older child ahead of going to school. So, I think my solution would always to be holistic about it and include both parents to lighten the load. Good luck - fees are killer. We did our sums and worked out recently that we have spent about £100k post tax cash on fees for our two sons in 5 years. Makes me feel sick just thinking about it

I did what you’re suggesting since it made zero sense for me to work to pay for nursery (this was 15 years ago, so not much has really changed). At that point I earned about £40k. I decided to be at home until the kids were in secondary school, in order to collect them from school, attend events, be there, not be overly stressed with commuting etc (admittedly post Covid times means you may already have those options if you can work from home?).

However, over all that time “off” (& it really wasn’t off) since I kept on working from home doing an allied thing, self employed. I used to make under £12k per year. But I had the flexibility. When my two were at secondary, it took me roughly 1.5 years to get a new job. I began to despair, when jobs that were way beneath my experience and skill set would reject me. I’d had a really groovy job pre kids.

But finally I got a new job, again in an allied sphere. But crucially for you to know, it paid much more than my original job. I fast tracked to a more senior position. It’s not as fun as my original job, so that’s a down side, but my point is that this can be done.

But don’t give up work altogether and do nothing but mum-sing (unless you plan to go into childcare!) or you might find yourself stuffed after whatever “break” you take. I quite like the suggestion of a part time degree or even on line courses, if your area of work doesnt lend itself to self employed wfh.

This was me 14 years ago.
Childcare is expensive and we didn't even have the free hours that are on offer these days.

He does more than half of the nursery runs.

We don’t “half” the childcare, we don’t go half’s on any bull because we pay everything out of our joint family money.

Whatever way you try and squint and say if I pay have and he pays have then x=y the reality is the account is + £2.5k on payday and the - £2.5k the day after due to a bill that only exists if we are both working.

I can say I only pay half the childcare all I want but it doesn’t actually leave us with any more spending power at the end of the month.

If you care more for your career when you’re not even making ANY money as the OP has described then you’re not very bright. Juggling everything, earning nothing and paying 45k for someone else to care for your children? I mean WTF? I don’t know how even the most high-flying women can justify that. Both the OP and I suggested staying home for 1 YEAR, not never working again.

What’s so bad about reducing them to only being mothers for a year??

It is not a new thing - I was paying as much in childcare as I was taking home and was only working part time and paying nursery fees for two. DC's are now adults.
But it wasn't forever - the eldest started school after about a year and I had some cash left over - I would probably have been paying something for that DC to be in some sort of setting. Then a couple of years later younger DC started school.
I was worked and enjoyed my job - it kept me sane and was in the company of adults and by continuing was able to get promotions etc.

i had a few people who were sceptical about me continuing to work while we had 2 in nursery and it cost the same as my take home pay. They were of the ‘oh I couldn’t possibly pay all my income to leave my babies’ train of thought.

Thing is, as a woman in my late 50s, I have zero regrets at all. I wanted children and I wanted a good career too, not just a bit job to fit round school. I’m so relieved that I stuck through those expensive early years. I wouldn’t have had the interesting work life I’ve had and I certainly wouldn’t have a good pension either - and those things really matter when 60 is approaching.

neither do I look back and regret not being with my kids 24/7, because of course dh and I were the primary carers, the people they spent most time with, and they went to a fantastic (if expensive!) nursery which gave them other experiences alongside being at home. and those babies are now grown into fabulous, happy adults.

ultimately it’s your decision OP but don’t listen to the cries of ‘you’ll never get this time back’ - it’s absolutely entirely normal to want to continue in work as a parent!

All these ‘cheap childminders’ recommendations are making me wonder if that’s outside London.

Long gone is the view that they’re glorified babysitters willing to look after little ones all day for a pittance, in London at least.

Ours charges £10.50 all in per hour, not unreasonable seeing as they’re self employed, provide a warm clean space and nice food, toys, outings working 9/10 hours a day.

DH has been self employed as have I so we understand the expenses involved and know it’s a tough job.

The main nursery in our area charges £12 per hour so it’s only marginally cheaper but we’ll worth it!

The "only mothers" is impolite".

I had 10 years off as a sahm and thought the same as you. I emailed numerous agencies/employers, putting out the feelers. They responded with useful advice regarding training. I did my refresher training within four months and applied, I got two job offers. It's worth you looking into updating your skills, much of it can be done from home.