Asking ex husbands to be back up childcare if I go into labour

[Alicejuniper]

I genuinely want to know if I am in the wrong here.

currently ex husband sees kids every other weekends. We do live around 2hours away (this was due to financial reasons and other reasons).he is a very good father. I have been with my now oh for just over a year (known for nearly 2 decades) and are expecting a surprise baby in July. Current plan is that my mum will watch kids when I have my Elcs. She will have to travel down via public transport as she is also a bit of a distance. She has said that if I do go into labour beforehand she doesn’t know if she will be able to do it due to being dsis childcare and also due to public transport if not planned oh would have to meet her half way and she would have to travel back with them. I have asked exh as he has emergency carers leave that if I did go into labor would he be able to watch them while I am in labour/have cs as otherwise oh would have to stay with the kids and I would have to do it on my own. He has basically said that it is not his responsibility to help when it is not his kid and he thinks it is mean I am asking him. He has now calmed down but is still saying that he is unsure and thinks I am in the wrong for even considering him as a option. Wibu

wherw I lived the going private rental for what we needed is over 2 and a half grand. If I went an hour away that drops to around 2 grand. Alll the places around there that may be slightly more affordable are in terrible areas which have high crime rates. Going here where I Atleast had someone and could afford it was the better option.

I can’t believe some of the replies on here. DH has taken AL to look after DSC to facilitate his ex going on holiday, never mind her having to go to hospital for any manner of reasons.

My exh would certainly take emergency leave to look after his own children if I couldn’t look after them for whatever reason. Or if he couldn’t, he’d do whatever he could to facilitate their care, like ask his mum or sister. Because he understands they’re still half his, and so his responsibility for them is still 50%, despite what contact arrangements we might have. And I do the same for him. It’s called parenting.

If he was nearby I would have dubiously asked but 2 hours away is a bit of an issue if it’s the middle of the night and you need to leave. I would rather ask a friend than involve my ex with my new situation. Plus my ex would probably say no. Can you ask a friend or dps family to help for a night or two at your home?

He won't be a backup plan to look after his own kids? Ludicrous that he considers he can say no, more like.

I'm not sure that makes it better from your ex's point of view. I suppose he should do it since they're his kids, but I understand him tbh.

Are people not reading the full thread and ops posts? Op had to move because after her ex ended their marriage she couldn't afford to buy him out or stay in the area. In the midst of a housing and COL crisis why are people surprised she was priced out of her area?!

Shall I get the spoon out for you?

She moved in with someone she knew, to a stable place with someone she'd known 20 years, instead of into temporary accommodation which was also away from her friend's family and support network. Hardly a terrible decision for her children. However, you seem to be determined not to believe a word she says and just keep bashing her.?? if you don't believe the OP & and have clearly no interest in supporting her or helping with your current issue why don't you just move onto another thread?

Of course it was, we should probably both stop feeding it!!

Just ignore the lunatic comments excoriating you for having the temerity to continue living independently, having a relationship, and even having another child. For some reason mumsnet encourages women to LTB at the drop of a hat but then expects them to live like a nun for the sake of the existing children. So its all “rah rah” self realization when you are married but once you are a single woman or have the guts to start a new relationship you are scolded like a naughty schoolgirl.

If for any reason the mother of his children can't look after their children, it is his job as the father to step up, as the father and parent.

So if a father's new gf or wife was having a new baby the mother of the children have to step up? As that is the mother's job to look after the children any time a father demands?

You are NOT being unreasonable, have you not looked at the voting?

It is NOT unreasonable to expect the FATHER OF YOUR CHILDREN to look after his own children in a medical emergency (which is pregnancy)! Stop being such a wet lettuce and rescind that apology! After all you've done for him, this is the bare rock bottom minimum he can do for you. It's sad that he wouldn't jump at the chance to have and spend time with his own children. For goodness sake, stop being a wet lettuce and ask (rather, demand, as he is the father - though sounds like a deadbeat one to me) again.

It is the responsibility of parents to look after their own children when the other one can't.

When your mum does childcare for his kids, they’re not “her kids” either! They’re his own kids cousins - he’s being a prick he’s still part of the wider family.

I’m not sure you can class pregnancy as a medical emergency in the same way as you can e.g. any other health condition. Having a baby five minutes into a relationship was a choice that the OP and her partner have made. If the ex had been the father who would the OP have been expecting to look after the kids?

If a poster here posted that her ex had moved on to one of her friend who had fallen pregnant pretty much instantly and now he was wanting her to have the kids while they went off and had a baby the unanimous response would be that he should make his own arrangements. In fact it frequently is. “It’s his contact time, so it’s up to him to make arrangements for the kids.”. Oh and posters would be saying to the OP that she hoped the friend was now an ex friend. Also be asking whether her DH had left her for this woman.

IMO there’s no right or wrong answer here. The hope would be that he’d have the kids, although TBH given how far away he is that’s really not practical anyway. But given the circumstances he’s not wrong to say no.

Existing kids are part of planning to bring more children into the equation. And it was up to the OP to consider that before she had another baby with her ex’s friend.

Honestly it all sounds a bit much for both of them - can your current partners family help (either be with you while your partners at home or be at home while your partners with you)

Further more you could possibly reach out to one of the neighbours (people are generally good in an emergency even if you don't know them) or ask a local friend

I understand you have 2 kids already so are used to your set up giving birth with your family & ex around/partner present at birth but really you'd be well into adulthood now & your set up has changed so you may need to re-evaluate - in the event of an emergency - what would actually happen (I know if you called an ambulance they would suggest your partner ask a neighbour to sit with your kids not wait for either mum or ex to arrive)

She is having a csection. In hospital. If she was in for surgery on another part of her body, would the father looking after his own children then be justified?

It seems like you and others want to punish the OP because she got pregnant sooner than you think she should. While I don't necessarily disagree with you that it isn't the choice I would make, to have the pregnancy at this stage, it is what it is. Can't go back now. No point punishing the OP and saying because she didn't get pregnant on the timezone you and others feel appropriate.

She needs to go to hospital. Therefore, she needs the father of her children to step up and mind his own children, while she is in the hospital.

It's as simple as that.

The reason why she is in the hospital really shouldn't matter, unless you think the mother should be punished.

Really? If my kids were about to get a new sibling, and their stepmum went into sudden labour and needed emergency childcare, I would much rather my kids were with me so they felt secure and stable rather than foisted on some random person.

OP I think your ex is being unreasonable. It's really hard to arrange emergency childcare, it's all well and good saying to find a local friend/babysitter but there aren't many who are willing to be on contingency for a 2am phone call if you suddenly go into labour. Finding paid childcare for that is also hard, and would mean leaving your children with strangers.

The likely scenario is that your ELCS will go ahead as planned and your mum will be able to have them anyway, so it's not like you're asking much of your ex.

it really was a worse case scenario thing. I have had to admitted to hospital twice this pregnancy so far (and may need to be again). I didn’t ask Ex for help at all at these points and oh just did it even though he actually had to take unpaid time off but it was one of those things and we dealt with it.

i know getting pregnant so soon after beginning a relationship isn’t great and is actually something I have beating myself up over. I know the situation isn’t perfect just trying to do the best I can. Oh did say last night that if he has to miss baby being born then that is what has to happen and we will just work it out

You say temp accommodation wouldn’t have been a good thing to do however what if this relationship breaks down. Now two hours away three children and then you still need temporary accommodation before getting council help?

I know council houses can be like rocking horse shit but you’d of been right at the top of the list, homeless two young children and unless in my sleepy haze I read it wrong previously someone has a disability/medical issue?

Where’s currently you are once again beholden to a home on being with a man.

And by 2 hours away I mean from what seems your only support / family of your mum and sibling.

In the place we just recently moved into I could afford it on my own which is something that was importnat to me. I am obviously hoping that eventually I will have more of a support network the longer I am here.

Absolutely

Although this is something we may have to do I am curious how many women would actually be ok with there oh not being able to be at the birth of their child and potentially not see them for hours after they are born? I can’t imagine many people would be thrilled with it.

also I am likely to have a pph with this pregnancy have been told that my likelihood of needing a transfusion is incredibly high so the thought of potentially being completely on my own with a new baby isn’t exactly the best thing. If it has to happen it has to happen but I honestly don’t think anyone can say that oh should be default childcare

Although this is something we may have to do I am curious how many women would actually be ok with there oh not being able to be at the birth of their child and potentially not see them for hours after they are born?

I had to do it in lockdown as did many others.

You’ll be fine.