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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking ex husbands to be back up childcare if I go into labour

295 replies

Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 19:29

I genuinely want to know if I am in the wrong here.

currently ex husband sees kids every other weekends. We do live around 2hours away (this was due to financial reasons and other reasons).he is a very good father. I have been with my now oh for just over a year (known for nearly 2 decades) and are expecting a surprise baby in July. Current plan is that my mum will watch kids when I have my Elcs. She will have to travel down via public transport as she is also a bit of a distance. She has said that if I do go into labour beforehand she doesn’t know if she will be able to do it due to being dsis childcare and also due to public transport if not planned oh would have to meet her half way and she would have to travel back with them. I have asked exh as he has emergency carers leave that if I did go into labor would he be able to watch them while I am in labour/have cs as otherwise oh would have to stay with the kids and I would have to do it on my own. He has basically said that it is not his responsibility to help when it is not his kid and he thinks it is mean I am asking him. He has now calmed down but is still saying that he is unsure and thinks I am in the wrong for even considering him as a option. Wibu

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 07/04/2025 22:36

@CJsGoldfish oh no...op is doing what's best for her remember... so everyone has to go yay you!!! You're happy! Boooo him!!.he's not doing what you want!!

Original poster
Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 22:37

CJsGoldfish · 07/04/2025 22:32

You honestly can't see how moving your children 2 hours away to be with a stranger because you couldn't afford anything else is, well, villainous? And yeah, you said you've "known him since secondary school" but being FB friends or whatever with an old school friend/bf isn't "knowing someone"
You won't leave your children with someone you "don't know" while you have the baby but you'll put them in the position of living with someone they "don't know"
These are the things people are reacting to. Add in an 'accidental' pregnancy and it is your existing children that become the focus of the thread, not you having no thought to asking your ex to be prepared to race down at a moments notice so you can swan off and have your baby

Does that address your confusion?

Show quote history

He was not a stranger. We saw Eachother several times a year. My kids knew him very well. He would come to visit often.

people have absolutely no idea the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 22:38

CaptainFuture · 07/04/2025 22:36

@CJsGoldfish oh no...op is doing what's best for her remember... so everyone has to go yay you!!! You're happy! Boooo him!!.he's not doing what you want!!

I have said I was unreasonable

OP posts:
orangetree33 · 07/04/2025 22:39

I suspect a lot of the nasty comments on here reflect the fact that MN is generally very anti blended families. Not the fact that you’re doing anything unreasonable be asking the father of your children to care for them in an emergency situation - and yes we are talking about an emergency because the op has already made arrangements for her planned section. But if labour begins spontaneously before that it would be classed as an emergency.

Sorry that your ex is such a spiteful arse op. It’s good you have a supportive oh now.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 07/04/2025 22:40

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/04/2025 21:42

Even if she’d moved his kids two hours away, one a newborn?

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She couldn't afford to live where they were living, she didn't want to move away from her friends and family 🙄🙄 sometimes you just have to go where the housing is affordable

AthWat · 07/04/2025 22:42

Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 21:50

I will have a cs date for 39 weeks this is literally a back up if everything fails he was not first choice and I wouldn’t have dreamed of him being first choice

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Maybe he would like to be first choice. Maybe asking him to be an emergency backup if your mother can't do it is part of the problem.

Zanina · 07/04/2025 22:42

YANBU - He is their father and you are their mother. If you become incapacitated, their care falls to him. Doesn't matter if you're having a baby, you are in a new relationship. He has no right to judge what direction you take your life towards. He is being unreasonable because he doesn't like that you appear to have moved on so soon. Anyone with children will know that when a child is to enter the world, it will make an appearance even of you use contraception. He is being difficult and next time he nees you to take care of the children you will have every right to say no. But I can tell by your patience you would never do that. And he takes advantage of it. He wants you to cajole him into agreeing to this. It's unfortunate that he is like this. Ask him, had you developed a sickness would he judge you for it and not come to the aid of his own children? Some people are so selfish they're blinded by it.

Schoolrefusa · 07/04/2025 22:44

Will your ex support your DC's emotions at such a huge time of change if you are in hospital for the new baby ? If he's able to put them first and will do so I can understand asking him with the gentle explanation that it will be an emotional time so best for them if he's willing . But if he's worried himself about this extra change in their lives and likely to show it and not put their stability / helping them to adjust etc first I would be wary as they will need a lot of focus and security at the moment.

Yesterdaywassunny · 07/04/2025 22:44

I don't think you were unreasonable at all to ask your ex to look after his children while you're in hospital.

My ex had my DS every Friday to Sat when he was small, and I didn't expect him to take DS as normal when his girlfriend had a baby, of course I looked after my own child when he couldn't and for a few weekends after, at their request. I think it would be in the kids best interests to be with their Dad to be honest - it's a big change for them, so some continuity would be good. Would your partner drop them up to him when the baby is on the way? As others have said, if you had to go into hospital for anything else, your ex should be expected to step up for his kids.

If he won't do it, I think you can definitely sound out parents of friends from school or neighbours with kids to see if they would take your kids for a night if necessary - people are happy to help. If you have kids in nursery or creche, you could probably get one of the staff to look after all your kids.

If your partner ends up looking after the kids, it's not going to stop him bonding with the baby, but I do think there are other options.

yossell · 07/04/2025 22:46

But you have childcare covered - your oh can do it. In effect, you're asking him to do a favour for your oh who would like to attend the birth.

Yeah, I can see his point...

Schoolrefusa · 07/04/2025 22:46

Ps also wishing you the very best with it OP as many congratulations and hope you do find a solution you feel really happy with as that's important

CaptainFuture · 07/04/2025 22:48

Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 22:37

He was not a stranger. We saw Eachother several times a year. My kids knew him very well. He would come to visit often.

people have absolutely no idea the situation.

Show quote history

So a 'family friend' who's now new daddy?.... and you want your dc and ex h to cheerlead this?

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 07/04/2025 22:49

I think you need a closer back up anyway! Second and third babies can come FAST.

orangetree33 · 07/04/2025 22:51

CaptainFuture · 07/04/2025 22:48

So a 'family friend' who's now new daddy?.... and you want your dc and ex h to cheerlead this?

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This is so weird.

Shes not asking him to cheerlead, she’s asking him to care for his own dc in an emergency situation.

People are having a go at her for moving on too quickly with a stranger. When she says she’s known him years she’s also getting stick for that. None of it is really relevant in the context of this thread. The dad should just step up and care for his kids when the mother isn’t able to.

He’s doing it out of spite.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/04/2025 22:57

yossell · 07/04/2025 22:46

But you have childcare covered - your oh can do it. In effect, you're asking him to do a favour for your oh who would like to attend the birth.

Yeah, I can see his point...

But it's not her new DPs job to watch this woman and her ex'a child.
It's the new DPs job to drive his early labouring high risk DP to hospital if this happens, support her through it and help look after his new baby when she's recovering from the emergency c section she'd probably need in this situation

CaptainFuture · 07/04/2025 22:57

orangetree33 · 07/04/2025 22:51

This is so weird.

Shes not asking him to cheerlead, she’s asking him to care for his own dc in an emergency situation.

People are having a go at her for moving on too quickly with a stranger. When she says she’s known him years she’s also getting stick for that. None of it is really relevant in the context of this thread. The dad should just step up and care for his kids when the mother isn’t able to.

He’s doing it out of spite.

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So if someone came on mn saying 'dh has left me for his school friend of 20 years....' all responses would be 'hellooo she's like known him for YEARS!!! What's your issue?!!'

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/04/2025 22:58

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 07/04/2025 22:49

I think you need a closer back up anyway! Second and third babies can come FAST.

Yes I agree.
In emergency early labour Either you bring the kids to hospital with you or you'll need local support - I would ask around if anyone is willing to be on your support list and get an 'in case of emergencies' WhatsApp group going

SpringIsSpringing25 · 07/04/2025 22:59

CaptainFuture · 07/04/2025 22:57

So if someone came on mn saying 'dh has left me for his school friend of 20 years....' all responses would be 'hellooo she's like known him for YEARS!!! What's your issue?!!'

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Except you're making shit up, she didn't leave her ex for her new partner, her ex behaved inappropriately, not her.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/04/2025 22:59

SpringIsSpringing25 · 07/04/2025 22:40

She couldn't afford to live where they were living, she didn't want to move away from her friends and family 🙄🙄 sometimes you just have to go where the housing is affordable

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Handy it was where the new boyfriend lived. I don’t believe for a second there was nowhere affordable closer than two hours away from their father and grandmother.

CousinBob · 07/04/2025 23:00

I really cannot believe the number of people (men?) who are saying the OP is unreasonable to ask the father to look after HIS OWN CHILDREN in a potentially emergency situation.

CaptainFuture · 07/04/2025 23:00

SpringIsSpringing25 · 07/04/2025 22:59

Except you're making shit up, she didn't leave her ex for her new partner, her ex behaved inappropriately, not her.

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Course she didn't 😆

SpringIsSpringing25 · 07/04/2025 23:01

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/04/2025 22:59

Handy it was where the new boyfriend lived. I don’t believe for a second there was nowhere affordable closer than two hours away from their father and grandmother.

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So are you saying that rather than moving in with a new partner an old friend you take your children to live in temporary accommodation which was still a good distance from your support network? And do you think that's better? Why?

CaptainFuture · 07/04/2025 23:04

SpringIsSpringing25 · 07/04/2025 23:01

So are you saying that rather than moving in with a new partner an old friend you take your children to live in temporary accommodation which was still a good distance from your support network? And do you think that's better? Why?

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Or.... rather than moving your dc 2hrs to your new partners....you consider them first?

orangetree33 · 07/04/2025 23:09

CaptainFuture · 07/04/2025 22:57

So if someone came on mn saying 'dh has left me for his school friend of 20 years....' all responses would be 'hellooo she's like known him for YEARS!!! What's your issue?!!'

Show quote history

Firstly let’s not pretend we know the ins and outs of the OPs relationship history.

But no, clearly not. However that’s not really the issue here. The issue is him caring for his dc in an emergency situation. If he can’t prioritise his children over his own feelings then he is a waste of space.

The op is pregnant whether he likes it or not. She is free to move on with her life as is he. He isn’t ’doing her a favour’ by looking after his own children in a situation where she is physically unable to do so. He is as much responsible for their care and wellbeing as she is.

Original poster
Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 23:22

CaptainFuture · 07/04/2025 23:04

Or.... rather than moving your dc 2hrs to your new partners....you consider them first?

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I did consider them. They are the reason I did not want to go into emergency accommodation. Have you seen the state of it? Do you know what’s it’s like?

OP posts:
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