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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking ex husbands to be back up childcare if I go into labour

295 replies

Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 19:29

I genuinely want to know if I am in the wrong here.

currently ex husband sees kids every other weekends. We do live around 2hours away (this was due to financial reasons and other reasons).he is a very good father. I have been with my now oh for just over a year (known for nearly 2 decades) and are expecting a surprise baby in July. Current plan is that my mum will watch kids when I have my Elcs. She will have to travel down via public transport as she is also a bit of a distance. She has said that if I do go into labour beforehand she doesn’t know if she will be able to do it due to being dsis childcare and also due to public transport if not planned oh would have to meet her half way and she would have to travel back with them. I have asked exh as he has emergency carers leave that if I did go into labor would he be able to watch them while I am in labour/have cs as otherwise oh would have to stay with the kids and I would have to do it on my own. He has basically said that it is not his responsibility to help when it is not his kid and he thinks it is mean I am asking him. He has now calmed down but is still saying that he is unsure and thinks I am in the wrong for even considering him as a option. Wibu

OP posts:
Original poster
Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 22:03

Unbeleevable · 07/04/2025 22:01

Yanbu.

I don’t see why your ex can’t put himself out to help look after his own children whilst you are in hospital!

Why should your new dp look after your ex’s kids in this situation, it doesn’t make sense….

I do think also it is okay to get a babysitter! Is older dc still at primary school? If yes I would ask in the class WhatsApp “does anyone know a reliable babysitter who might be able to help with overnight care just in case I’m taken in for an unplanned c-section?” You might find you get some offers of help or at least a good recommended.

Yeah I am gonna ask people after Easter holidays.

OP posts:
BillyBoe46 · 07/04/2025 22:03

He's an arsehole. They are his kids who may potentially need care while you undergo a medical procedure. Personally, i would want to support my kids. They will probably be worried/ excited / stressed and need someone that loves them to look after them. I would ask him to clarify if he's refusing to have his kids if necessary if you go into early laboure and if he would prefer you to get a child minder.

Flopsy145 · 07/04/2025 22:04

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/04/2025 21:42

Even if she’d moved his kids two hours away, one a newborn?

Show quote history

Yes, although I can see OP replied correcting the ages. But when we had our children, my DH's ex was super flexible and said if she needed to come grab their son at any point she would, although his house is on our way to the hospital so we would have dropped him off. It's a blended family, we would do the same for her and dash over in the middle of the night to get DSS if she was in labour.

Original poster
Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 22:04

Kallabra · 07/04/2025 22:02

But why there? If it’s your partner’s area surely he has some friends or family who can help rather than him missing the birth of his first child?

Or kids’ friends’ parents from school? Neighbours?

Show quote history

He isn’t super near his family. This is where he lived. I am going to ask around at kids school etc but I don’t know how far I will get.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 07/04/2025 22:06

I mean a lot depends on the circumstances of your split.

you split because you had an affair with your new partner - hell no.

the split was acrimonious and you were really horrible to him - well I suppose you can ask.

etc etc

CaptainFuture · 07/04/2025 22:09

Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 22:04

He isn’t super near his family. This is where he lived. I am going to ask around at kids school etc but I don’t know how far I will get.

Show quote history

Ah so you moved your dc two hours away from dad/their lives to his area? How did you end up in such an intense committed relationship being so far apart?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/04/2025 22:12

Arlanymor · 07/04/2025 19:37

You're asking him to look after his own children because of a potential emergency situation. Would he be as difficult if you were asking because of a house fire, or a death in the family? He's seeing this through an entirely different lens - you need to correct his vision.

I agree with this.
I think you should INFORM not ask him that you might be unable to do child pickup from school if you have a medical emergency so to keep his phone on for calls from school.

But also I would ask other school mums/friends/trusted neighbour if they can be a potential help in an emergency and start a WhatsApp group with these nice mums and your partner in it and your mum and your ex, so that IF there is an emergency situation then everyone knows where the kids are and your mum/ex can pick them up when they can get you your house.

Energydrink · 07/04/2025 22:12

Nonsense- of course he should look after his kids. If you had pancreatitis or a broken hip and was admitted to hospital he would have to step up.

if you are unavailable it is his responsibility. He is not doing you a favour. You are both parents - it doesn’t matter if it is inconvenient

he is a selfish person …

if he falls at this hurdle he can kiss goodbye any flexibility that benefits him in the future

Catchmeifyoucam · 07/04/2025 22:12

What a prick! My ex husband had my children AND the child I have with my current husband when I had my baby. And he had our dog!

Original poster
Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 22:13

Octavia64 · 07/04/2025 22:06

I mean a lot depends on the circumstances of your split.

you split because you had an affair with your new partner - hell no.

the split was acrimonious and you were really horrible to him - well I suppose you can ask.

etc etc

What about the fact he was actually the one doing things behind my back and lying. He was unsupportive and really quite nasty to me the last 6 months of our marriage. The fact that I have been left with basically nothing and have agreed to not go after anything and have a clean break to stop any bad blood or stress. I am the one who left my house and my family because of decisions he made. I was lucky in the fact I had another option besides emergency housing. I was in a horrendous situation when I decided to come
down here. No me and oh hadn’t been together that long but I didn’t know what else to do.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/04/2025 22:15

CaramelGhost · 07/04/2025 20:14

I think he's being a nob.

The reality is, if the primary care giver is in hospital for whatever reason, OF COURSE the other parent should step up if needed.

You

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/04/2025 22:15

CaramelGhost · 07/04/2025 20:14

I think he's being a nob.

The reality is, if the primary care giver is in hospital for whatever reason, OF COURSE the other parent should step up if needed.

Yup*

Original poster
Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 22:18

CaptainFuture · 07/04/2025 22:09

Ah so you moved your dc two hours away from dad/their lives to his area? How did you end up in such an intense committed relationship being so far apart?

Show quote history

I have said I have been unreasonable.

i don’t know i am being made to feel bad for moving on after i had split from my partner. We had always been good friends who talked
alot (which ex was very aware of). I don’t understand why j am made to be a villain when I was just asking one favour and have admitted I was obviously very wrong.

OP posts:
SpainToday · 07/04/2025 22:18

DorothyStorm · 07/04/2025 21:58

ex husband sees kids every other weekends. ...he is a very good father
Standards are on the floor of hell. How on Earth can he be a very good father 2 days in 14, no schools runs, no dentist trips, no doctors visits, no classes or clubs, wont parent if it isnt his official days?

EOW generally means a lot more than 2 days in 14

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/04/2025 22:18

KhakiShaker · 07/04/2025 21:05

Shocked (or not) at the number of posts saying ex should look after the kids and is being an arsehole to decline. It is not an emergency, it is not the same as a house fire etc as someone suggested. This is pre-planned and there’s no reason why the ex should cover OP’s time because she decided to have a baby. It’s OP’s responsibility to find care for the kids when it’s on her time. She can ask the father but if he says no then it’s on her to find care elsewhere. She has several months to do this.

So many responses would be different if the roles were reversed!

OP it’s not unreasonable for you to ask, but it’s not unreasonable for him to say no either.

But she's not asking for the c section date, she has her mum booked if for this, she's asking IF she goes into labour early and her mum can't get there

DorothyStorm · 07/04/2025 22:19

CaptainFuture · 07/04/2025 21:59

Absolutely, a female op would be applauded and supported in not helping out an ex in circumstances of his own making...

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Mainly because the male ex probably isnt primary carer and has his existing children the 2 in 14 days.

CarpetKnees · 07/04/2025 22:19

Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 21:41

If my ex called me at 2am when had kids to say he had to go hospital and I had to go get kids I would even though he would have his mum or other family to help him I would do it without even thinking.

Show quote history

Yes, but a sudden accident or heart attack or other completely unexpected trauma is a completely different situation from giving birth, which is something known about in advance and therefore something you can put in place some emergency plans for, which nobody would have for an unexpected trauma.

So, is there a reason your partner has absolutely nobody in his life who support him ?

Original poster
Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 22:20

CaptainFuture · 07/04/2025 22:09

Ah so you moved your dc two hours away from dad/their lives to his area? How did you end up in such an intense committed relationship being so far apart?

Show quote history

Also I could not afford to live there anywhere I could afford would have been quite far out of that area where I would have had absolutely no one. If I had got emergency housing it would have not been close.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 22:22

CarpetKnees · 07/04/2025 22:19

Yes, but a sudden accident or heart attack or other completely unexpected trauma is a completely different situation from giving birth, which is something known about in advance and therefore something you can put in place some emergency plans for, which nobody would have for an unexpected trauma.

So, is there a reason your partner has absolutely nobody in his life who support him ?

Show quote history

We could ask his family I guess. he has friends but I can’t see any of yjem
wanting to look after kids.

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 07/04/2025 22:24

Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 22:20

Also I could not afford to live there anywhere I could afford would have been quite far out of that area where I would have had absolutely no one. If I had got emergency housing it would have not been close.

Show quote history

Did your friend of 20 years/new partner consider moving at all closer to your original place?

TheSilentSister · 07/04/2025 22:27

Of course you're not being unreasonable asking him to look after his own child, especially in a possible emergency. It's not even like you're relying on him full stop, it's only if you go into labour early. I assume you've made that absolutely clear to him?

Original poster
Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 22:30

CaptainFuture · 07/04/2025 22:24

Did your friend of 20 years/new partner consider moving at all closer to your original place?

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We could not have afforded to live there. Not with his wage and the fact I am a carer for one of my kids. We have been looking at moving closer eventually but that obviously is job dependent and money.

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 07/04/2025 22:30

I’m so sorry op, I can’t believe people think this was unreasonable!! It should always be the first port of call to check with the other parent to look after the kids. I’d have said, oh,I’m sorry you feel like that, they are your kids.
I guess you have an excellent reason that’s nothing to do with having to look after a baby to be much less flexible with him in the future. Is it really about the baby or is he just an arse? Would he flex contact happily for a non baby reason? It sounds from your thread like he’s an arse.

BeCalmNavyDreamer · 07/04/2025 22:31

Not sure why you're getting such a flogging here. You've made arrangements for the C Section but have no one else if there's an early appearance. Wtf are you meant to do? Just look after the kids whilst birthing another? Pop the nuggets in the oven between contractions? Read them a bed time story during crowning?
Yeh the situation is messy but honestly I feel for you.
It's understandable you'd want your partner with you, birth is hard and scary.
Leaving work isn't that hard, most people are allowed some time off in an emergency. Just because it's giving birth it doesn't mean it's not an emergency - you have no control over the time or date the baby comes.
I would speak to your midwife - not sure what they'd say to help but what else are you meant to do with your kids if you're in labour and no one's there to look after them.
Yeh I know you moved far away but it's not like you're asking so you can have a facelift...it's to birth your child FFS.
I have a blended family and my ex looked after our daughter when I was in labour.

CJsGoldfish · 07/04/2025 22:32

Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 22:18

I have said I have been unreasonable.

i don’t know i am being made to feel bad for moving on after i had split from my partner. We had always been good friends who talked
alot (which ex was very aware of). I don’t understand why j am made to be a villain when I was just asking one favour and have admitted I was obviously very wrong.

Show quote history

You honestly can't see how moving your children 2 hours away to be with a stranger because you couldn't afford anything else is, well, villainous? And yeah, you said you've "known him since secondary school" but being FB friends or whatever with an old school friend/bf isn't "knowing someone"
You won't leave your children with someone you "don't know" while you have the baby but you'll put them in the position of living with someone they "don't know"
These are the things people are reacting to. Add in an 'accidental' pregnancy and it is your existing children that become the focus of the thread, not you having no thought to asking your ex to be prepared to race down at a moments notice so you can swan off and have your baby

Does that address your confusion?