Asking ex husbands to be back up childcare if I go into labour

[Alicejuniper]

I genuinely want to know if I am in the wrong here.

currently ex husband sees kids every other weekends. We do live around 2hours away (this was due to financial reasons and other reasons).he is a very good father. I have been with my now oh for just over a year (known for nearly 2 decades) and are expecting a surprise baby in July. Current plan is that my mum will watch kids when I have my Elcs. She will have to travel down via public transport as she is also a bit of a distance. She has said that if I do go into labour beforehand she doesn’t know if she will be able to do it due to being dsis childcare and also due to public transport if not planned oh would have to meet her half way and she would have to travel back with them. I have asked exh as he has emergency carers leave that if I did go into labor would he be able to watch them while I am in labour/have cs as otherwise oh would have to stay with the kids and I would have to do it on my own. He has basically said that it is not his responsibility to help when it is not his kid and he thinks it is mean I am asking him. He has now calmed down but is still saying that he is unsure and thinks I am in the wrong for even considering him as a option. Wibu

I think it’s life for many not first time mums who don’t have a local support system as well as military wives or women who have husbands that just work far away or have to travel for work.

Men in the delivery room wasn’t even a thing at one point. During a c section there really isn’t much he can do either and if they end up having to put you under he won’t be in the room either.

This kid may not be his.

But the others are. The ones you’re asking him to parent.

Ask him if he’s saying the kids should stay with a step parent instead of their biological parent then?

did you have a severe pph and potentially a hysterectomy? This is what very much could happen to me. Saying I’ll be fine so casually when you have zero knowledge of what my birth is likely to look that. It is incredibly scary especially as the longer I have been pregnant the more info I have gotten about the birth the more quite worried I have been.

and also as far as I am aware fathers were aloud at the birth and for a few hours afterwards

They were not ‘aloud’ for some of the time, no.

Is there any chance that as your due date gets closer you could basically all camp out at mums? Because if it’s going to be such an experience you won’t be out the next day either by the sounds of it.

Each hospital has its own policy on visiting hours for partners.

though that would put you two hours away from your chosen hospital. Hmm.

It is this whole two hour thing really. Either of your people are two hours away.

sorry for the misspelling. My brain is all over the place.

from what I remember it was always policy that the6 were there at the birth just not afterwards and sometimes not during early labour.

No i am likely to be in a for a few days. I was in for nearly a week all in all with my last baby. Oh will be the one looking after the kids when my mum leaves or if I go into labour before cs date while I am in hospital that was always the plan. Ex was never going to be bothered unless emergency

Hire a local babysitter to do a few short jobs minding the children.

Ask on your local fb page, someone will help, obviously ask around about the person you're choosing.

So where was she supposed to take them as she couldn't afford to live near their dad?

i can’t believe that asking the dad to have his kids whilst you are having a baby is wrong… they are his children and his responsibility too.

you moved 2 hours away to house your kids in a decent home and area. No tilts not perfect but needs must.

what would have been the opinion if the new baby dad wasn’t around and your mum couldn’t come? It’s ok for the kids to go into care? What about if mum is seriously ill? I really don’t get the vitriol

it wasn’t an affair, the marriage ended and imo your ex has no reason to not have his children when mum can’t be there… it’s just spiteful to stop you new partner being with you for support

How is it 'not his responsibility' to look after his own children when their other parent is not available? It's not as if he actually did a 50/50 share of parenting most of the time!

Because this is about releasing the new partner to be with the OP.

Which, if I were the OP, I would also 100% want my partner there.
But it seems to have come as a surprise to the OP when it was suggested that someone from the new partner's family might be asked to help out, or one of his friends.

If the OP is rushed in, in an emergency, before the date of her arranged C section, then the best option is surely going to be someone who can get there in under the 2 hours + that both her Mum and ex would take.

In such emergency circumstances, I think I would help out any neighbour or fellow school Mum, as would most normal people, until the OP's Mum was able to get there. The OP has 3 months (hopefully) to chat to people she knows and sound out who might be willing to be on standby in case of emergency. So she doesn't have to rely on someone traveling so far, to be able to get there. Nothing to do with whatever the relationship is.

My ex husband was my back up childcare in labour. And we don’t even have that great a relationship. It didn’t end up happening because my mother in law took him so it was fine. But I think it’s a bit horrible to say no personally. I’d do
it for
him too, especially if it was my kid!!

Does your ex have support at his end eg parents, who could help him. If so perhaps he could take the children the weekend before and keep them till after you're out of hospital.

I don’t think it’s an unreasonable request to ask ex h to look after his children (I presume they are his children you are referring to) while you go to hospital with your partner to have another baby. I know it isn’t the same but when I was pregnant with my son, my husbands ex wife offered to come and collect their daughter if I went in to labour during her time with us. She lives around an hour away from us. But we had another back up plan etc. as husbands mum and my parents all live in the same village as us. It was unnecessary in the end but I thought it was lovely and it showed she was putting the needs of her daughter first in everything.

I understood that her other half is refusing to looked her kids whilst she in labour.

Oh is not refusing. Where have I said that?? He has said he will. He is actually being incredibly kind and nice about it. He will do what he has to do.

Because this is about releasing the new partner to be with the OP.

So a 'stepparent' here has greater obligation to look after these children than their own father does. Yet all over the stepparenting boards, women are told to butt out, not your kids, not your problem.

This smacks to me of a man who is punishing his ex for having the temerity to move on quickly from what sounds like a pretty unpleasant marriage. If he had been any kind of decent father/co-parent, he would have ensured that both of them were able to live close together so he could properly co-parent. Instead of leaving her in a position where she was financially hamstrung into having to move away.

The ex sounds like an arse.

Probably the new partner has told him this.

It was the way I had read it.

I think yabu to expect your ex to be able to cover - if he can the. That would be helpful but you need someone reliable close by who can be flexible.
The alternative is you go to hospital on your own; could your mum use a taxi to allow your partner to attend?
If you know you’re having a c-section then maybe it will become elective and you can organise cover ahead of time.

YABU.

Presumably you moved 2 hours away from him restricting his access to his kids and now because of that you find yourself without support. You should sort out your own childcare and not expect him to backstop you.

Or to put another way, you can’t have your cake and eat it.

You obviously haven’t read my replies.

i have never restricted his access. He has the kids now for a fews days as it’s Easter holidays . I have also explained numerous times the reason for moving.

No, your OH should not have to miss the birth, your ex deadbeat selfish father should step up and parent his children.

‘Not his kid’ 😂 Has he forgotten about the two who are his kids??!! Maybe put it to him that his children will have no-one to look after them when you’re in hospital so he needs to step up?

Unfortunately though, it sounds as though he’s not going to be reliable and you may have to plan for the worst. Is there a friend locally/not so locally who could help in an emergency if your mum can’t?