To feel sad what my 10 year old said to me

[iCantStopppEatinggg]

I don’t have anyone in rl to talk to about it. DH has dismissed my feelings and laughed along with my DD. It’s Easter holidays and I’m stuck indoors unable to leave due to what my DD has said to me. I know it sounds dramatic but please bear with me.

on Saturday we went out to cinema then dinner as a family and I wore my usual uniform of leggings and tunic. All evening she kept “roasting” me saying things like “mummy is so fat and ugly that she breaks all the mirrors”. My DH laughed with her. I was upset and asked her to stop. I tried to ignore her as much as I could and when we got home I spoke to her and was truthful in how she hurt my feelings. I ordered new clothes for quick delivery and they arrived this morning. I felt quite nice and I tried them on. I haven’t purchased new clothes for around 5 years since youngest was born as I put on lots of weight and have stayed in my leggings and stuff. She laughed at me when she saw me and called me fat again. My youngest came up to me and cuddled me. Her father this time tried to talk to her about hurting my feelings and she told him she’s not going to lie when I am fat and I look worse as the clothes are bigger so make me look fatter (I got wide leg trousers). I feel so low I don’t feel like leaving the house. Shall I just wear my usual clothes and return these? She didn’t seem to call me fat so much before we went out but I felt really awful on Saturday when I saw all the other women wearing lovely clothes and I had leggings and tunic on. I tried to buy all the clothes I thought would make me look better and truthfully I feel I do look nicer than I usually do. I feel so low can anyone talk some sense into me. Before people say she’s 10, it does t matter the age as her words really hurt me and she said everything I was already thinking that I’ll never be Preety and will always look fat and ugly as she told me.

Was she allowed to play with screens / toys / act as usual in the house today? If so, then not going out wasn’t really a consequence at all. You need to come down hard on her.

I hope she doesn’t have social media!

I have a 10yo and this 'roasting' and pranking culture does seem to be prevelant in her school. I have had to speak to her about kindness and get her to put herself in others shoes to bring her back in line.

And all those who say their child would never say that, it can be interesting to hear what they say when adults are out of earshot. Most are not as innocent as you think.

I have clamped down on any rudeness straight away - 'you don't speak to me like that' and would absolutely expect my husband to back that (as would I to him).

I'd also look at your own self esteem and self talk. I'm well overweight after children/ covid lockdown combo and wear casual clothes all the time. My body has done me proud over the years and I refuse to hate it!

It’s not funny and you need to punish her at home when she speaks to you like that. You’re not her friend so it isn’t “banter”. It’s rude and obnoxious and it’s your job as her parent to fix it.

My dc’s feet wouldn’t have touched the ground as they were put into their room with no devices.
How does anyone raise dc who think it’s ok to speak to their dp’s like this?
And I wouldn’t be shutting myself away, I’d be going out without the 10 year old until she learned some manners.

Goodness, how awful.

My 10 year old would have had a real talking to by me and DH and there would be significant consequences. Removal of devices, time with friends, hobbies or similar. I would still ensure my youngest got to go out.

In fact we would likely have taken her home at the time, no way would I be supporting a nice evening out with a child who cannot demonstrate the most basic of manners.

Also an in depth discussion about actions and impact. How would she feel if her appearance was critiqued in this way, try and help her develop some much needed empathy.

DH is appalling for laughing along too. I hoped he has apologised profusely for fuelling the situation. Sounds like a learned behaviour.

You can feel sad on your own if you want, but what she needs to see is outrage. She’s bullying you, and like all bullies she’ll keep on if she senses vulnerability. Moping in the house is not a punishment. Going off and having a great time somewhere without her is.

If you don’t crack down on this now, she is going to be a living nightmare when she is a teen. Read her the fucking riot act!! Send her to her room with no tech and nothing to do until she is ready to apologise sincerely and pledge not to be such an utter bitch so appallingly rude to you again. You are her mother and deserve some respect- so start demanding it!! And from your ‘d’h too - he also needs his arse handing to him for laughing along.

On another one of your posts you say both of your children are on iPads a lot watching YouTube while you cook and clean. Do either of you monitor what they watch?
Is she learning about ‘roasting’ and insulting behaviour from people she’s looking at online?

We're a 'roasting' family. It's gentle teasing that everyone laughs about such as 'whats that smell? Is it you?' kinda thing. What she said is vile. Not a single one of my kids would say that to me. I'd go hard on the punishment, really hard. There's teasing and there's just plain disrespect.

If you are feeling low about yourself, make changes but only for yourself. Not because you're 10 year old has behaved like a little brat to you.

This

Your daughter is turning into a nasty little twat, helped along merrily by your nasty twat of a husband.

Genuinely shocked.

Sorry OP that does sound very upsetting. I would tell her real beauty comes from within not how someone looks, and that her behaviour is actually very ugly and totally unacceptable. Ask her how she would feel if you made unpleasant comments about her. (Definitely not suggesting you do that as that would be childish, but just try and make her think 🤔). I think social media may be to blame. Too much promotion of super skinny being the ideal! Definitely consequences needed for such rude behaviour. Dig deep and be strong. You are a wonderful person. So what if you carry a few extra pounds: that doesn’t define you. Show your younger child how to be strong 💪.

It's gentle teasing that everyone laughs about such as 'whats that smell? Is it you?' kinda thing

Don’t think I’d class that as gentle teasing.
What happens if they say that to someone at school ?

Off-topic, what's wrong with tunic and leggings? (I may wear these from time to time and need to know if I'm making some massive fashion faux-pas?) 🙈

What do you mean it’s not her fault? It is. She knows what she’s saying is nasty and she choosing to say it. Don’t make excuses for her.

I’d tell her thanks for drawing your attention to your weight and you’ve decided there will be no chocolate in the house for the rest of the month, including Easter Eggs and thank her again for her support on your endeavours.

(in reality I wouldn’t have to do this because my dh would have nipped it in the bud from the outset).

OP, can you hand on heart say you don't refer to yourself in that way? I get the feeling she's mirroring what you're giving out. I hope you can make some changes and you feel better soon.

And it makes a difference too if everyone participates in it and you know that that's how you communicate. That's part of what roasting is, everyone is in on whatever is going on. I and two of my kids are really sarcastic, and we communicate that way. My middle child doesn't like it, so we all know not to be that way with him.

But just saying those things to someone who isn't a willing participant is bullying.

If my 10 yo had spoken to me (or anyone ) that I would have been very angry with them, told them not to be so rude, and sent them to their room.

If she pulls that ‘I won’t lie’ stunt at secondary school while insulting people will probably get beaten up.

Wear your lovely new clothes, one peep out of her tell her she is rude and obnoxious and you won’t be taking her to xxx / giving her lifts /…. Whatever if she continues to be so rude.

And mean it and stick to it.

She’s found your tender spot and she’s wielding her power.

Take her down.

I have a 10 year old I’d be devastated!
id tell her how unkind she was and that she was saying what a mean girl would say.
id say its not funny and very hurtful.
I’d then take youngest out somewhere and let her miss out. You also need your husband to back you up.

I’ve put on weight since children my 10 year old does occasionally say ‘you were so slim’ but would never be as unkind as your daughter

You handle it with an appropriate balance of punishment and teaching.

She needs to learn not to say nasty things. Quick. There’ll be people bigger and stronger than her who will batter her at secondary school if she ‘roasts’ them.

If she has a primary school prom or leavers disco coming, I’d seriously start to consider not allowing her nice things for it. She hasn’t ‘allowed’ you to have your nice things, had she?

Also extra chores, withheld spends etc.

At the same time, explain why what she has said in unacceptable.

I used to say to my children if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all. You need to assert yourself. She is ten and you are a grown up. Whatever she likes most take it off her. Stop her from doing something she enjoys. If she is going to be rude and cruel then she can't have it do nice things. Be very straightforward. You hurt my feelings by saying I was fat. You were very rude and because of that xxx xxx is now happening. If you let her get away with it you are storing up trouble. So if she's rude again then there's a consequence until she gets the message. Your husband is an absolute twat too.

Stop feeling sad and start feeling mad - first at your D - and second your H. She must be made to understand how utterly nasty she was and how unacceptable it was/is - whatever that takes.

Dear God, get tough with her right now. You surely know what she likes best. Whatever it is - her nice clothes, her activities - goes/stops. You need to pull yourself together now and focus on sorting her out. Focus on her behaviour rather than you being the target. Think about it in that way - how she has behaved towards ‘someone’. So you need to talk firmly to her about how it is wrong to talk to ‘someone’ in that way and that the consequences are XX. Sooner or later she will want something from you. She should not get it - because her behaviour has been unacceptable - whether or not that appalling behaviour was directed at you or at another child at school, for example.

And your DH needs the bollocking of his life.

What an incredibly awful thing for a child to say/do. I’d give her some consequences and make it clear it’s not just about hurting you, but teaching her that she can’t go saying stuff like this to others. Take a stand now otherwise it will only get worse. I’m not sure what to suggest but could you leave her behind and have days out with your youngest as a consequence? No tv/screens ect.
I’m also very sure you do not look as bad as she is making out at all. Even the most lovely children can be awful to their parents, they just need to be shown it’s wrong! Make sure your husband supports you.

Also enjoy your new clothes! You sound like you very much deserve a treat!