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Original poster

To feel sad what my 10 year old said to me

505 replies

iCantStopppEatinggg · 07/04/2025 17:51

I don’t have anyone in rl to talk to about it. DH has dismissed my feelings and laughed along with my DD. It’s Easter holidays and I’m stuck indoors unable to leave due to what my DD has said to me. I know it sounds dramatic but please bear with me.

on Saturday we went out to cinema then dinner as a family and I wore my usual uniform of leggings and tunic. All evening she kept “roasting” me saying things like “mummy is so fat and ugly that she breaks all the mirrors”. My DH laughed with her. I was upset and asked her to stop. I tried to ignore her as much as I could and when we got home I spoke to her and was truthful in how she hurt my feelings. I ordered new clothes for quick delivery and they arrived this morning. I felt quite nice and I tried them on. I haven’t purchased new clothes for around 5 years since youngest was born as I put on lots of weight and have stayed in my leggings and stuff. She laughed at me when she saw me and called me fat again. My youngest came up to me and cuddled me. Her father this time tried to talk to her about hurting my feelings and she told him she’s not going to lie when I am fat and I look worse as the clothes are bigger so make me look fatter (I got wide leg trousers). I feel so low I don’t feel like leaving the house. Shall I just wear my usual clothes and return these? She didn’t seem to call me fat so much before we went out but I felt really awful on Saturday when I saw all the other women wearing lovely clothes and I had leggings and tunic on. I tried to buy all the clothes I thought would make me look better and truthfully I feel I do look nicer than I usually do. I feel so low can anyone talk some sense into me. Before people say she’s 10, it does t matter the age as her words really hurt me and she said everything I was already thinking that I’ll never be Preety and will always look fat and ugly as she told me.

OP posts:
Isittimeformynapyet · 07/04/2025 18:12

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 07/04/2025 17:59

Tell her what she is saying has hurt you and unacceptable.

From the original post:

when we got home I spoke to her and was truthful in how she hurt my feelings.

Any more bright ideas?

JasperHale · 07/04/2025 18:13

Ecrire · 07/04/2025 18:03

My DS is almost 10 and I cannot imagine any conceivable way this cuddly, Minecraft and coding and cricket obsessed little boy would ever say anything like this to me. I wonder if girls are socialised differently at school but my DD is 5, and is an absolute angel and I can’t imagine her this way either.

When did this start? Where did it begin you think?

No, I can assure you not all girls are like this. My 11yo wouldn't dare to speak of anyone in that manner, and my husband would have very serious talk with her if she ever did, and so would her brother. Appalling behaviour from her and your husband!

NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/04/2025 18:13

iCantStopppEatinggg · 07/04/2025 17:55

I have a feeling she’s becoming a “mean girl”. I don’t know how to handle it.

Show quote history

A good bollocking along the lines of 'How dare you say such unkind things to somebody' tends to reduce it at school.

I'd also give her the opportunity to experience some immediate consequences for a repetition. Maybe you plan to go out to do something nice, wear your lovely new clothes and the instant she opens her mouth, she stays at home with her father and you go out without her?

wherearemypastnames · 07/04/2025 18:14

You told her she hurt your feelings

gee

scary stuff

what about consequences?

doodleschnoodle · 07/04/2025 18:14

I’d be furious, with both your daughter and your husband. At 10, she is way beyond old enough to know not to say unpleasant things about other people’s bodies. Even my 6yo knows we don’t comment on people’s bodies. The fact your husband laughed gives a clue as to why she thinks it’s acceptable to speak to people like that.

Velmy · 07/04/2025 18:15

How have you raised a ten year old who feels comfortable talking to a parent like that?

You and DH need to act before it's too late.

beadystar · 07/04/2025 18:15

She's 10 not 2, she knows what she's saying and it's deliberate. I'd be very very concerned about her becoming a little bitch at school, if she isn't already.
You need to have this out with DH. He should be on the same team- then the bigger picture, the misogyny, the body-shaming that's got into her somehow. The propensity to bully.
No more smart phone. They don't cope well with them and outside location-checker brick phones should be banned for children imo.
Don't punish one child for the other's actions, you should have taken the other kid for the treat alone. We don't give treats to people who are mean to us.

Fitzcarraldo353 · 07/04/2025 18:15

When DS was in year 6 we had a strong conversation about the very, very thin line between roasting and bullying. I clamped down hard at home (no 'roasting' me or his little brother). Now is the time to come down hard on and let her know, in no uncertain terms, that this is bullying behaviour and how you felt about hearing those comments, and why it's not okay to speak to anyone like that. And she'd get zero lifts or screen time.etc. from me.

Sadsadworld · 07/04/2025 18:16

I am sorry this has happened, sounds horrible
First sending a big hug.
I think you need to split into 2 issues.

  1. Daughter behaviour- out of line and needs a response. You've had lots of advice on this.
  1. What do YOU want to do about your low mood and being out of shape- if you want to do something (for yourself only) then what would help to start? See GP about your low mood? Do you have time to yourself to exercise/do something fun in your week? If you can manage something that you enjoy, a walk, a club, just investing a tiny bit of time in yourself will make you feel better.
Zanatdy · 07/04/2025 18:16

Well if she was my DD saying that, she would be the one getting a roasting. As would her father for encouraging it. Even my ex would have stepped in if he heard one of the DC speaking to me like that. I’ve always been mega strict on being respectful, so whether she thought it was true or not, she wouldn’t be saying it again. All very well telling her she hurt your feelings but she doesn’t care. So i’d be withdrawing some Easter fun until she learns some respect.

DrummingMousWife · 07/04/2025 18:16

This is all coming from stuff online - I would shut the internet off. If you don’t nip this now someone will punch her in the face for saying something nasty and she will learn a much harder lesson.

TheWisePlumDuck · 07/04/2025 18:16

What on earth did I just read? Not a chance dd or ds would ever say something like this to me, neither would I have to my dm. Very little children may say something innocently and need to be reminded of politeness, but at her age this is just cruel and unpleasant behaviour.

And I could imagine DH's face if they did! He certainly wouldn't be laughing.

There has been a serious failing somewhere here op.

How does your DH treat you usually? Lots of 'jokey' nasty comments?

scalt · 07/04/2025 18:17

The irony of referring to “a pair of cunts” on a thread about how insults and “roasting” being unkind. I know it’s not being spoken out loud, but still…

steff13 · 07/04/2025 18:17

JasperHale · 07/04/2025 18:13

No, I can assure you not all girls are like this. My 11yo wouldn't dare to speak of anyone in that manner, and my husband would have very serious talk with her if she ever did, and so would her brother. Appalling behaviour from her and your husband!

Show quote history

Yeah, same. My daughter is 14 now, and she is by no means perfect, but she's always been kind. I can't imagine her ever saying something like this about anyone.

CowboyJoanna · 07/04/2025 18:17

DrummingMousWife · 07/04/2025 18:16

This is all coming from stuff online - I would shut the internet off. If you don’t nip this now someone will punch her in the face for saying something nasty and she will learn a much harder lesson.

Sounds a lot like the husband, I wonder if he says things like this to OP

NDblackhole · 07/04/2025 18:18

I might be ‘fat’ but your attitude is disgusting - walk away!

GivingYourHeadAWobble · 07/04/2025 18:19

The second time she said it I would've marched her out of that restaurant and straight home.

Fuck buying new clothes and discussing hurt feelings.

She's TEN, she knows she's being horribly nasty.

If you don't start with strict punishments now, there's every chance she'll become a teenage bully and make the lives of the girls around her an absolute misery.

And as for your excuse of a husband, words fail me.

Bookloveruk · 07/04/2025 18:19

id take your youngest out for a special treat and tell your other child she will get a treat when she can show kindness. She needs her behaviour nipped in bud now

ginasevern · 07/04/2025 18:19

This is absolutely appalling OP. Even worse is your DH laughing along with her. I mean, her words were truly disgusting and there was no ambiguity or "kids will be kids" about any of it. I don't think I'd ever forgive my husband for that. As for her punishment - first obviously speak to her and tell her more or less what you've told us. Then tell her that since she finds you such unpleasant company you will, for the foreseeable future, be taking the youngest out with you but not her. She can stay at home with her father. Start with your planned trip to London. Don't back down, do it.

SaladSandwichesForTea · 07/04/2025 18:19

I wouldn't be with a man that laughed along, period.

At 10, the little madam would have been punished immediately.

Why wouldn't she do it if dad is laughing and mum is accepting it from them both?

Sorry but you need to get a backbone, there's no excuse for being the victim of a 10yo.

overtothere · 07/04/2025 18:21

Strong words with your husband and daughter. It's completely unacceptable to tell someone they're fat and ugly and laugh at them. Your husbands automatic instinct should have been a firm tone and an instant "don't you dare speak to your mother that way". WTH is wrong with him? Why would he find that funny? Is he usually a thoughtless prick?

If you feel good in your new clothes then keep them. I hope you enjoy them, you deserve to feel comfortable and attractive.

I'd definitely be doing some work with my daughter if she said things like that. Find out how she feels about herself, talking about health, emotions and how and why words matter. Find out where it's coming from, what is she watching, reading, listening to? Is she on social media? What clubs or groups is she at, what are her friends and cousins saying?

I'd speak to school about it too and see what they're doing with PSE if this is a common thing amongst the children. Roasting and joking around are only funny if both people are in on it. Randomly being an asshole to someone is not funny at all and could land her in big trouble.

StopStartStop · 07/04/2025 18:21

'How dare you speak to another human being like that? Your comments are unacceptable. I expect you to apologise and to mean it.'
Then do nothing for her - no tidying, cooking, cleaning, help with homework until she changes her behaviour.

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 07/04/2025 18:22

Sorry op but if your husband was laughing along with her he's even worse for reinforcing such awful behavior. Why isn't he disciplining her? She will be getting the message from him that he approves of her nasty remarks.

FleaBeeBob · 07/04/2025 18:22

Don’t ask her to stop being rude tell her, she needs to know it is ok to be nasty and that there are consequences

IveGotAnUnusuallyLargePelvisISwear · 07/04/2025 18:22

wherearemypastnames · 07/04/2025 18:14

You told her she hurt your feelings

gee

scary stuff

what about consequences?

I agree with this. She needs consequences not just being told she hurt your feelings- that’s presumably what she was aiming for.

I am a fan of natural consequences personally. Early bedtimes and her (and only her) not being taken out anywhere nice during the holidays as you don’t want to spend time with someone who is being so mean. Do you think she can be trusted to be kind to her friends? If not, any play dates for her might have to be cancelled… (until she can be trusted)