To feel sad what my 10 year old said to me

[iCantStopppEatinggg]

I don’t have anyone in rl to talk to about it. DH has dismissed my feelings and laughed along with my DD. It’s Easter holidays and I’m stuck indoors unable to leave due to what my DD has said to me. I know it sounds dramatic but please bear with me.

on Saturday we went out to cinema then dinner as a family and I wore my usual uniform of leggings and tunic. All evening she kept “roasting” me saying things like “mummy is so fat and ugly that she breaks all the mirrors”. My DH laughed with her. I was upset and asked her to stop. I tried to ignore her as much as I could and when we got home I spoke to her and was truthful in how she hurt my feelings. I ordered new clothes for quick delivery and they arrived this morning. I felt quite nice and I tried them on. I haven’t purchased new clothes for around 5 years since youngest was born as I put on lots of weight and have stayed in my leggings and stuff. She laughed at me when she saw me and called me fat again. My youngest came up to me and cuddled me. Her father this time tried to talk to her about hurting my feelings and she told him she’s not going to lie when I am fat and I look worse as the clothes are bigger so make me look fatter (I got wide leg trousers). I feel so low I don’t feel like leaving the house. Shall I just wear my usual clothes and return these? She didn’t seem to call me fat so much before we went out but I felt really awful on Saturday when I saw all the other women wearing lovely clothes and I had leggings and tunic on. I tried to buy all the clothes I thought would make me look better and truthfully I feel I do look nicer than I usually do. I feel so low can anyone talk some sense into me. Before people say she’s 10, it does t matter the age as her words really hurt me and she said everything I was already thinking that I’ll never be Preety and will always look fat and ugly as she told me.

I agree with you, the parents should be stepping up in this case

My little boy tried to say unkind things about his dad's (my hubbys) belly, and I replied... I BEG YOUR PARDON? He giggled then backed down when he realised i wouldnt stand for it. We have a 'rules of the house' sign up, and it has rules on it like no unkind words, no fighting, no shouting etc.
I'm sorry this happened.
I would be gripping the husband for laughing it off. He should have backed you up. You are supposed to be a team. What a prick.
I bought a laminated page of house rules (from Etsy I think?) and we all follow here.
Unkind words amd other rules broken then result in loss of privileges.
My God if I spoke to my mother like that, I would be grounded in my room with a diet of dry bread and water and no TV (I'm old) and that was a light punishment, as my parents were old school 😫

I'm sorry your little girl believes that it is only roasting or banter. I see that as wanker little witch behaviour and it needs to be nipped in the bud now before high school.
Hugs to you xx

I'm sorry your DD said this to you, it was very cruel and not something a DD should ever say to their mother. You DH should also have defended you and reprimanted your DD and she definitely needed to face consequences - no outing/ phone taken away (if she has one) no screen time etc.
However,playing slight devil's advocate here, as a family do you have the sort of banter-ish relationship between each other and she was going too far? Did she not understand that you can tease each other a bit but not actually insult or be rude (or if someone says they're uncomfortable you need to stop?).
We do tease each other in our family, DS is very tall and he gets a lot of comments on that from people (he's an adult now but he's always been exceptionally tall compared to us), conversely I get called 'petite' cos even though I'm not quite that short, I'm short compared to DH, DD and DS! It's light teasing and we all take it in good faith. However, if someone was to call another family member ugly or fat then that would not be tolerated.

I think we should be dividing the issues.

Point 1.Regardless of the size/shape of the OP and unless its in an appropriate circumstance, eg health matters Its not good manners to comment on people's size or appearance or anything really unless its an appropriate compliment. Regardless of ANYTHING its not good manners to make such comments rudely. Regardless of ANYTHING its not good manners to make such comments as a joke unless you are sure that the person commented on will find the joke funny.

Point 2. Children are not born knowing what is societally appropriate and must learn it. Their prime teachers should be their parents or their parental substitutes. Children are always learning and if we don't teach them the right things (or even if we do but not successfully) you can be sure they will learn the wrong ones. You can also be sure that they will be exposed to the wrong ones!

Point 3. Difficult as it may be there will be times when parents have to set aside or control their feelings in order to parent properly. Sanctions and responses need to be applied calmly and appropriately. That doesn't mean never showing anger or displeasure but it does mean being proportionate. Also anger and sanctions without getting to the root origin of the behaviour, especially if its come out of the blue, is just putting a plaster on it. also.....

Point 4. Its the responsibility of both parents to parent to the benefit of the child and in support of each other and a parent supporting such behaviour in a child, eg by finding it funny and showing it or defending the is doing the child no favours and putting their relationship at risk.

Point 5. I think that people are getting sidetracked by what they think the OP should be doing about her body. Nothing excuses or explains bad manners. If the OP had bad scarring and the child's rudeness had been about that, would those "lose weight" "kick up the bum" posters be saying "oh take responsibility, get plastic surgery" ?

I did this to my mum when I was about 13. I didn’t make awful comments about her weight but I made equally awful comments about her in front of my maternal extended family. My grandfather was appalled and I did apologise. I was exceptionally angry as a child and was put in situations that were beyond my control. On reflection, I behaved this way because I was angry at her for not protecting me. Hurt people hurt others. I would suggest you are probably her safe person and there is more to your DD’s outbursts about your appearance. I know it’s hard not to have an emotional response but I doubt very much your appearance is at the heart of this situation.

Sorry but your daughter is a bully (ignore the excuse of it's only roasting/banter) and your husband is an enabler. Let both know how disappointed and hurt you are. Keep your new clothes and work on your self esteem.

OP, I’ve already posted about your DD’s behaviour but try not let this destroy your confidence about how you look. The world is full of over-weight people and they can still look and dress well. I see over-weight people all the time and yes, they could do with dropping weight but my first thought would be, I like their outfit shoes, etc, rather than their body shape. I don’t think most people go around thinking oh that person is overweight because in reality, we couldn’t care less. Good manners and being friendly is much more important. If you feel good in what you’re wearing you will have a spring in your step as such, so wear your new clothes with pride.

So, ditch the leggings and tunics, wear your new wide leg trousers. Nice shoes/trainers and a bag, jewellery, whatever. Take an afternoon to go shopping by yourself, even if you don’t buy anything, try on lots to see which shapes/lengths/colours etc suit you best and it will make online/future shopping easier.

Don’t make any reference, excuses or apologies to anyone about your body shape. If you want to diet, then do it for yourself not because a 10 year old has called you fat.

If you’re in the trap of spending most of your budget on clothes and activities and stuff for yourself children, leaving nothing for yourself, get yourself out of that trap. Most of our children have far too many clothes and you deserve nice clothes as much as your children. Let your DD see you have your own life too by taking time out by yourself to go shopping, meet up with a friend for a coffee, get yourself nails done or whatever. Find yourself a hobby. Take an hour by yourself in the evening to go for a walk

I hope you are feeling better about things today.

My answer would be "Are you perfect? Think about it and don't come back when you really are.
Wish you strength.

The FIRST time she said it, I’d have come down on her like a ton of bricks. No way would she have been allowed to say it more than once! A short sharp lesson in manners would have been delivered. You’re the parent - she needs some strong consequences.

Completely wrong. This has nothing to do with anyone being perfect or not perfect.

The rudeness should have been nipped in the bud from the outset. Instead both parents have validated- husband by laughing and OP by taking the comments to heart and acting upon them by buying new clothes.

Absolutely! This child is a proper little brat and her parents need to clamp down on her now!! Then they need to refine their parenting skills!

honestly id be buying a one way ticket and starting a new life somewhere else. Id leave a note to say “mummies so fat and ugly so she’s disappeared” but that’s just me!

Talk to her about being kind and why it’s important. Tell her if she continues with this behaviour, there will be a consequence. Make sure DH is on board and ensure the consequence happens. I had a banter-type relationship with my DD when she was younger (would never have put up with what you describe, though).

In recent years as an adult she has been downright insulting at times and it has been painful putting boundaries in place. I wish I had nipped it in the bud when she was younger. People will behave according to what you teach them you will tolerate.

Removal of electronic devices.
Missing out on trips out that your younger child still gets to enjoy.
Separation from your DH if he continues to reinforce this behaviour.

I’d be pre-warning her now that all her Easter eggs are going to a food bank if this behaviour is repeated.

No new clothes except school uniform and PE kit if she continues to be unkind.

Also, tell her you’ll wear whatever you like as a grown adult spending your own money on clothes.

Exactly.I don't get the fear of children these days. Children forget and they would do well to remember that they live by the grace of you. Without you they get nothing.

They are dependent, meaning they need you to buy them stuff.They behave like nasty little brats, they get nothing. Why is that so hard for parents to do?It's all pandering and gentle parenting and softly softly will look what its done.

Do you tell people at work and in the community that they’re so fat and ugly they break all the mirrors? If an adult said that at work they would be disciplined, if not sacked immediately for gross misconduct. If it was said in my town they’d be roasted right back.

My marriage would be over too. I’d be leaving the 10 year old with DH for the Easter holidays, taking the youngest on holiday and seeing a solicitor to start divorce proceedings.

It is the "Yo Momma jokes" she has heard them in school, they're popular among 10 year olds.
They are all over the Internet
"Yor Momma is so ugly she blah blah" or "Yor Momma is so fat she blah blah".
I'm not excusing DD, she took it too far but it is a popular skit for roasting among children of her age.
She didn't make it up herself.

DS had said it to me in the accent, I told him it was rude, I'm not overweight so didn't give it much thought afterwards.

No, it doesn't sound like that. It sounded like a continuous, vicious targeting of her mother, mocking her appearance. This continued later, and included rudeness about the mum's new clothes.
This is more than "Yo Momma" or humorous "roasting". This is a 10 year old girl who, on a family outing, instead of engaging positively attempts to humiliate and denigrate her own mother.
How it's got this bad is something that the parents need to deal with.

I have so many feelings about this situation but I will hold my tongue except to say I am very sorry this happened to you.

Tbh the person I'm sorry for is the blameless younger child who has been punished by missing out on a holiday treat because of their parents' inability to teach their older sibling how to behave.

The child in question is a bit of a gobshite tbf

She needs consequences OP. Your husband needs to know laughing along with her is wrong. You both need to sit down with her and explain how unacceptable her behaviour is. She needs to apologise and be punished. I would have made her and DH stay home whilst you and the youngest had a nice day - something like that. Good luck OP.

I would sit her down and talk to her about it, about using respectful language and about how talking like that will get her in to trouble at home and school.
I would then ‘ban’ the word fat when it comes to people. She’s not to use that word about you OR anyone else and give her consequences for doing so.