To feel sad what my 10 year old said to me

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I don’t have anyone in rl to talk to about it. DH has dismissed my feelings and laughed along with my DD. It’s Easter holidays and I’m stuck indoors unable to leave due to what my DD has said to me. I know it sounds dramatic but please bear with me.

on Saturday we went out to cinema then dinner as a family and I wore my usual uniform of leggings and tunic. All evening she kept “roasting” me saying things like “mummy is so fat and ugly that she breaks all the mirrors”. My DH laughed with her. I was upset and asked her to stop. I tried to ignore her as much as I could and when we got home I spoke to her and was truthful in how she hurt my feelings. I ordered new clothes for quick delivery and they arrived this morning. I felt quite nice and I tried them on. I haven’t purchased new clothes for around 5 years since youngest was born as I put on lots of weight and have stayed in my leggings and stuff. She laughed at me when she saw me and called me fat again. My youngest came up to me and cuddled me. Her father this time tried to talk to her about hurting my feelings and she told him she’s not going to lie when I am fat and I look worse as the clothes are bigger so make me look fatter (I got wide leg trousers). I feel so low I don’t feel like leaving the house. Shall I just wear my usual clothes and return these? She didn’t seem to call me fat so much before we went out but I felt really awful on Saturday when I saw all the other women wearing lovely clothes and I had leggings and tunic on. I tried to buy all the clothes I thought would make me look better and truthfully I feel I do look nicer than I usually do. I feel so low can anyone talk some sense into me. Before people say she’s 10, it does t matter the age as her words really hurt me and she said everything I was already thinking that I’ll never be Preety and will always look fat and ugly as she told me.

not acceptable. Not roasting and not typical 10 year old behaviours.
My DD is the same age and can be blunt and isn’t good at social niceties. But she might give an opinion about new outfit but it’s never directed at me ( and some might consider me both fat and ugly) it’s like - I don’t like the colour - or your x top is better.

She is recognising different body shapes and learning how to body shame people, most likely from peers.

Don't let her upset you, she is out of order, possibly understandable, if she apologised once she was aware that she was cruel, but she knuckled down.

Why are you and your dh allowing this? You have a responsibility to stop this (it should have been dealt with the very first time she ever said anything like this). Your husband laughing at her comment is just pathetic and weak. Be the parents, do your job and don't raise a horrible, rude human being.

How you looked is inconsequential btw. You can wear whatever you like.

I think there is a chance she herself is being bullied however as others have said you need to get angry and not withdrawn. Make it clear you didn’t go today because of what she was saying. Take your other child out and let her you won’t be doing nice things for her if she cannot be nice. This is totally unacceptable and as for your husband, you need to be having stern words with him too.

That's a consequence but not a punishment. You felt low so couldn't go out, and your other daughter missed out as well, this is a consequence of her words. But to be frank, she should be punished for speaking to you in that way. She wasn't 'roasting' you - don't downplay it, she was being rude and nasty. She needs to understand that it's not acceptable - she should start with an apology. I would then remove pocket money, tech or some other treat that she is looking forward to. I would be concerned about her lack of respect for you. I can't imagine many children who would dare to say something so horrible to their mother's face, in front of their dad. You also need to have very strong words with your dick of a husband.

Was she at all remorseful? Ten is old enough to understand you have said something hurtful.

I’m glad you bought some new clothes and felt good in them.

This.

I suspect this is the tip of iceberg with regards husband & your life. What else does he do? Are you supported in your life to work, achieve goals, be an individual person?

or are you ground down to be a slave to the family and emotional punch bag?

Her classmates/friends will have older siblings and learn it from them, or they’ll have parents who will allow them to have TikTok, YouTube etc accounts. That’s the most likely scenario she’ll have picked all this up from.

I’m sorry you feel so crap and low OP. If the new clothes make you feel good - keep them!

Don’t be scared to be harsh and to properly punish your daughter. She needs to realised that words do hurt, and to mention someone’s body shape or size is really unacceptable. You need to nip this in the bud now before she starts to bully other children on their looks.

Before people say she’s 10, it does t matter the age

I actually think the age does matter, because 10 is far too old to not understand how rude and hurtful that is! I have a 10 year old and I would be absolutely furious if she thought she could speak to anyone like that, never mind me.

You and your DH need to stand together on this one. Confiscate devices or ground her as this will only get worse if she thinks she can get away with it. Does she watch youtube? I wonder if she's picking things up from there.

Has there been a time someone has said something to her that hurt her feelings? Might be a good way to get her to understand your feelings (although I fail to see how she doesn't know already).

I'm sure your new clothes look great! I just bought myself a couple of wide legged trousers, I'm not slim but I love them and feel great in them!

I’d be upset if she said that to me too, not because it hurt my feelings, but more in a “wtf am I raising here and how has this gone so badly wrong?” sort of way. I’d be upset that I’d raised a child who, at 10, doesn’t have an ounce of respect in her. You probably need to re-evaluate everything - who she is hanging around with, what school she is going to, what she is watching online, etc.

So your DH is obviously the other issue. The fact that he laughed instead of reprimanding (or even ignoring) is teaching her that it’s okay to be disrespectful to you.

she told him she’s not going to lie when I am fat and I look worse as the clothes are bigger so make me look fatter (I got wide leg trousers).

She doesn't need to lie she needs o keep her nasty opinions to herself as no one has asked for them,

Absolutely unacceptable behaviour from your DD.

But there are two issues here: her behaviour/consequences and your reaction.

The former - you need to tell her that her behaviour was awful and that she needs to reflect on how hurtful it can be to hear that. Tell her that in your house, you are kind and supportive to each other, not rude and unkind. I used to ask mine to write me letters of apology - they had to say what they were apologising for. They also were invited to choose their own punishment/consequence and were usually far harsher on themselves than I would be.

The latter - no way should your 10 year old have this much influence on how you feel about yourself. You need to work on your self confidence - all people are just as valid whether they are fat, skinny or every weight in between. It is not the most defining thing about you and I am sure you have great qualities that you can hold your head high on.

Her dad laughing was awful — he is reinforcing her rude behaviour.
I think you need to come down hard on this for her own sake. She is risking getting into some serious trouble if she doesn’t learn to filter her thoughts.
Ask her how she would feel if she was criticised. How would she feel
if someone called her ugly. Explain again how hurtful it is.
Then withdraw privileges — no pocket money for a week or two, no TV, no internet access ( only one of these, not suggesting all 3)
How she spoke to you isn’t giving her opinion, it was nasty and intended to upset you and maybe make dad laugh. He should get on board with you and learn not to be so irresponsible.

I have an 11 year old DD and if she spoke to me like this I wouldn’t tolerate it. I have however heard her and her friends make ‘jokes’ about each other that border on rudeness - they’re not terrible and they don’t pick one girl out over another it just seems they’re all fair game for ‘roasting’ but I wouldn’t allow her to talk to me like that.

You need to have v firm boundaries here. You can’t let her think her words have so much power over you that you immediately go out and buy new clothes. Wear what you feel comfortable in. You’re the parent here. This isn’t high school. You need to be much clearer with her that her words and attitude are completely unacceptable/ very disrespectful. Otherwise it will likely only get worse. This has nothing to do with what you look like / what you wear so please don’t try and change yourself in order to get her to stop. This has everything do with her and what she thinks she can get away with.

I've got a daughter who is very emotionally intelligent - so she knows how her behaviour impacts- but has misused this in the past. It's a bit like physical strength and a child should not have the emotional power over you that you describe. She needs to feel that she is not responsible for your emotional well being and not powerful enough to put you in the position of not leaving the house. When my daughter has said things to me, my initial response is 'well, it's a good thing I don't rely on you for my self confidence!' Or a lecture which bores her about body positivity and popular culture shaming women's bodies to wield power over them. That soon bores her.
That said, I have followed that up with a quiet discussion when we are both calm to say how hurtful the comments are and whether her intention is to make me feel bad- if so why?
It's really helped her understand that she needs to be accountable for her words.

Exactly! iPads are not babysitters and the children shouldn’t be on them when you are doing chores. Get her/them to help around the house, then they could have sometime on the iPad, not before.

She's too old to think this is funny. Tell her in no uncertain terms that it isn't acceptable and then ask your husband why the f* he thinks it's alright to laugh along

Totally disagree, what a horrible thing to say. Kids say this stuff at school all the time

Your husband needs to step in as well. You tell her no, you cannot make remarks like this, if you make personal unkind comments you wil have X consequence. Husband needs to reinforce ‘we all come in different shapes and sizes. I love the way mammy looks, but that’s only one thing I love about her… I love her laugh, I love her kindness, I love her passion for tennis…we don’t say things that upset people, it’s not funny and it’s not ‘just honest’, it’s mean ‘ etc. etc

That must have hurt so much. I'm sorry your daughter thinks it's okay to be so horrible. Sending the biggest of hugs 💕🫂

To be fair, OP’s husband joined in. He found it hilarious. Because he’s apparently got a really basic sense of humour.

I very much like this. Take her to the supermarket with you, buy some easter eggs seemingly for both of your kids and then put hers in the food bank trolley as you leave. Explain why.

This would warrant a serious punishment from me tbh. She is old enough to know this is rude and unacceptable. I would tell her that even if she is thinking bad things about someone, she cannot be cruel. Your youngest seemed to understand it was wrong.

The second issue is your confidence. If you felt happy in yourself before, don’t let her words worry you. If you like the clothes, of course keep them!

schools teach the worst these days. If not the ideologies, it is the kids themselves to each other ...one SEN boy , kinda friend of my daughter once saw us in town ( apparently he has SEN related to just blurt his thoughts out) stopped, looked me up and down and again and said: yaaaayyyyy, your mummy has a large breast and a fat tummy

If it helps OP my DS has roasted me with similar comments and I'm slim.

I went to a birthday party with 16 boys around 10, all roasting with fat jibs.