To feel sad what my 10 year old said to me

[iCantStopppEatinggg]

I don’t have anyone in rl to talk to about it. DH has dismissed my feelings and laughed along with my DD. It’s Easter holidays and I’m stuck indoors unable to leave due to what my DD has said to me. I know it sounds dramatic but please bear with me.

on Saturday we went out to cinema then dinner as a family and I wore my usual uniform of leggings and tunic. All evening she kept “roasting” me saying things like “mummy is so fat and ugly that she breaks all the mirrors”. My DH laughed with her. I was upset and asked her to stop. I tried to ignore her as much as I could and when we got home I spoke to her and was truthful in how she hurt my feelings. I ordered new clothes for quick delivery and they arrived this morning. I felt quite nice and I tried them on. I haven’t purchased new clothes for around 5 years since youngest was born as I put on lots of weight and have stayed in my leggings and stuff. She laughed at me when she saw me and called me fat again. My youngest came up to me and cuddled me. Her father this time tried to talk to her about hurting my feelings and she told him she’s not going to lie when I am fat and I look worse as the clothes are bigger so make me look fatter (I got wide leg trousers). I feel so low I don’t feel like leaving the house. Shall I just wear my usual clothes and return these? She didn’t seem to call me fat so much before we went out but I felt really awful on Saturday when I saw all the other women wearing lovely clothes and I had leggings and tunic on. I tried to buy all the clothes I thought would make me look better and truthfully I feel I do look nicer than I usually do. I feel so low can anyone talk some sense into me. Before people say she’s 10, it does t matter the age as her words really hurt me and she said everything I was already thinking that I’ll never be Preety and will always look fat and ugly as she told me.

This. You are absolutely fair to tell her that this is hurtful and not okay. Also that if she acts like this around other people who don't unconditionally love her she will alienate them.

She may be in a phase where a friend has said a genuinely funny roast and she wants a piece of that. But hadn't got the hang of the social niceties around it because she's ten.

Or she's hitting puberty and is embarrassed by her parents because the mere act of them existing is unreasonable. Doesn't mean she should speak to you like that.

I agree with this. There needs to be actual consequences for her nasty behaviour.

And you are not leaving the house because of something your 10 year old said!!

You need to get your OH on one side and tell him that teaching a child to hurt people's feelings is fundamentally wrong and he must stop.

You need to be firm about this. She needs to know that such cruelty/bullying is unacceptable towards child or adult and that if she does this there will be consequences from BOTH of you.

That's bullying and needs to be stopped. Hiding behind the word roasting this behaviour shouldn't be tolerated at home or school.

It's awful behaviour from your 10yo, but what chance does she have when her dad and your DH is laughing along?! She is going to grow up with very strange ideas about how you treat people you love.

I would spend less time on consequences for DD and have a hard look at your marriage and what you're teaching her/ allowing her to be exposed to.

As a side, I taught my children that you don't comment on people's bodies as soon as they were able to speak.

Nasty. Plain nasty.

As was your husband laughing along with her. 😡😡😡

I'd be having a discussion about her being so cruel, and punishing her.

She's behaved in a really horrible way, no wonder you're upset. I'd also be worried that she's "roasting" (aka bullying) other children at school.

She actually needs incredibly swift consequences for this and to be told it's completely and utterly unacceptable. If she has a phone (hope not) I would check this ASAP before she has a chance to delete for bullying messages between peers.

What the hell am I reading?? Where the fuck is your DH in this? Forget about hurting your feelings, she's completely unacceptably rude and cannot go around deliberately making people she claims to care about feel bad.

I'd tell her she can either apologise and never say anything like that again, or she will be living in leggings and tunics herself. Why should you pay for her to have nice clothes when she treats you like shit?? And if she doesn't care about clothes then I'd take her phone away for a week. God I'm so outraged.

Both dc and dh laughing at you reminds me of playground bullying. Your dh playing a role in this is horrifying and dd will end up being a very nasty little bully if this isn't nipped in the bud now.

I can't believe your DH laughed when DD said that! That's appalling. She should have been told off immediately. You are right to be upset - but by the way they have both treated you, rather than what she said.

That is completely unacceptable, my dds and I are close and I’m not overly strict but they would never in a million years say something like that to me. They know it’s rude, mean and to be honest disgusting. There definitely needs to be consequences for your dd, ones that will make her very uncomfortable (no phone/no treats/no TV). You need to sit her down without an audience and let her know that if she ever squeaks to you like that again she’ll be in serious trouble, there will be a consequence every single time. It sounds like you’ve lost your confidence, not just in clothing but in yourself, remember you are the parent, she is a child and you don’t want her to be a mean girl. Also your Dh should have pulled her up on it also. My dh would never allow our dds to speak to me like that. Basic respect. Good luck x

That’s awful behaviour from your ten year old and the fact that your husband is reinforcing it by laughing is even worse.

My six year old has enough empathy to know that saying hurtful things to people is wrong - at ten there’s absolutely no excuse.

Wow. You really missed the point.

I'd come down hard on this @iCantStopppEatinggg it's not ok for her to speak about anyone that way let alone her mother and it's certainly not ok after both parents have told her it's hurtful and mean. This is not what roasting is and you need to make that very very clear especially before she hits the bitchy teenage years and your younger DC thinks it's ok to copy her. Don't be afraid to let her see you cry and how upset you are at her words.

Nip this in the bud now and teach her that if she wants to say something about someone's appearance she first thinks 'is this something they can change in 5 seconds?' If you have food on your face then yes she can say it, if its something about a person's appearance they can't change in 5 seconds like weight then no she keeps her mouth shut and says nothing.

I'd ground her and arrange activities in the house for the younger DC that the ten year old isn't allowed to join in and make it clear to both DC the reason the outing is cancelled is because of older DC not being kind with her words. Alternatively can either you or DH stay home with eldest and the other take the youngest out?

As for the new clothes, I assume you have a couple of weeks/28 days to return? Keep them and in a couple of days when you're hopefully not feeling so raw try them on again and see if you still feel good in them like when you initially tried them on. Maybe when older DC has learnt a lesson she can help you pick out some new clothes that flatter your shape and style and see the power that positive words can have as well

Edited to add, also a good opportunity to have a wider conversation about women building women up, not tearing them down especially with the amount of misogynistic crap she will face as she becomes an adult and navigates relationships jobs etc.

Re Edited to add, have a VERY strong conversation with your D(ickhead)H and tell him he needs to step up here as well, laughing along with her and dismissing how hurtful her words actually were? No that's NOT ok and he needs to have your back on this all the way, see my previous edit about misogynistic crap, this shouldn't start at home from her dad ffs!

There isn’t a chance that she’s being bullied is there? That her peers are being horrible to her but passing it off as ‘roasting’ and she’s copying this?
My children have never displayed behaviour like this but if they did we would be sat at the table until I was certain my child understood how awful this behaviour was and has assurances they would never make comments like it, to anyone, ever again!
If she understood and was persevering in being horrible there would as PPs have said be heavy consequences.
Imagine if she treated classmates like this in secondary school, she’d be looking at exclusion!

Or tell her you’re diverting her pocket money to your Mounjaro fund!

People on MN love that word it seems.

OP has your parenting style be permissive (both or one of you?). Your dh doesn’t appear to have set any boundaries with your dd (I can’t even imagine how my own dad would have reacted if I’d spoken to my mum like that, I would have been in very serious trouble). Sounds like her dad is more of a mate than a father.

A serious talk with your dd, with your dh in full support of you is needed. Consequences for her (not including your other child) and you both need to start getting tough with her (perhaps you’ve been taking gentle parenting too far?).

Take your younger dc out for a lovely time. Spoil them.
And spoil yourself.

Your daughter is behaving like a vile little cunt. So is your DH.
Mine would certainly hear from me if they behaved like that.

I have a young tween DD. She went through a very brief stage of rudeness towards me (it latest about a day) - she told me it was roasting too and this was the way her and her friends spoke to each other. (I've since heard them, they can be brutal to each other, they don't seem to take any offence to anything and they think it's funny.)
It seems to be a usual (not going to say it's normal) way to behave around that age.

I told her that I am not her friend and not to speak to me like I am. My DH was equally stern "how dare you speak to your mother like that. What a repulsive thing to say. Apologise right now. "

I can't believe your DH laughed along at her insults. He's implicitly telling her her behaviour is fine, desirable even. He positively reinforced her awful behaviour. That for me is the problem here. And then he "tried" to tell her off? Not good enough. Your DH needs to be right alongside you with this, if not half a step in front, there to defend you. He needs to do much, much better

A kid being rude needs a proper telling off and not another thought given to it. I'm so sorry to hear that her words have affected you so much. Keep the clothes, they make you feel good, wear them and take your youngest out somewhere your eldest would like to go. Leave your DH to deal with the eldest at home. Right now I'd say they deserve each other.

Roast her back, hard. Make her cry and then ask her how she likes it?

Same here about commenting on people's bodies. Even if it's something that would generally be considered positive (you're so tall, you look really thin, etc.) we don't say. You never know when someone might be sensitive about it.

If it's something negative and the person can change it immediately (booger in their nose, lipstick on their teeth, etc.) it's ok to say. Otherwise no.

Roasting relies on the person being roasted to be in on it…I wouldn’t expect a ten year old to understand the nuance. Sounds like it’s thinly disguised bullying that’s happening at school. Whatever your appearance/size I’m sure it’s the least interesting thing about you! ❤️

She sounds like a bully and will at secondary find herself either making someone’s life miserable or by trying to ‘roast’ the wrong person and ending up at the wrong end of the spitefulness.
Sounds like she has a distinct like of empathy and respect, instead of wallowing in the hurt you need to stand up for yourself.
Tell her in no uncertain terms how ashamed you are of her comments and how unkind she had been. Your husband shouldn’t have laughed when she first started, I have children a similar age, the eldest gently ribs me about my height as he’s now taller then me, if he thought he had upset me he’d be mortified.
You should be respected as her mother and if she believes that you’re too ugly to be seen with I would leaving her at home and taking out the younger one.
She is being completely outrageous and at 10 you have a chance to claw it back.

Your husband should be backing you on this. The words "How dare you speak to your mother like that!" leap to mind as an appropriate response from him.

You ask about consequences OP. The very first consequence should have been an instant death stare from you and an angrily icy “what did you just say to me?? How dare you speak to me like that. Apologise right now.” Then you have a subdued few minutes and move on for the rest of the evening.

When you get home you have a proper calm talk about why she said it and what roasting is about and how talking to anyone like that is horrible and in particular talking like that to a parent is not on. Then explain the consequence that will be put in place if she ever speaks to you or her family like that again, or if you hear that she’s been speaking to people at school or clubs in that way. And mean it.

If she ignores the first response / refuses to apologise the consequence is immediate - the evening ends and you all go home. Stern talk, clear consequences explained for repeat offence.

It would of course help if your husband had your back rather than laughing along. What a treasure he is. I’d be giving him the same hairdryer treatment.