To feel sad what my 10 year old said to me

[iCantStopppEatinggg]

I don’t have anyone in rl to talk to about it. DH has dismissed my feelings and laughed along with my DD. It’s Easter holidays and I’m stuck indoors unable to leave due to what my DD has said to me. I know it sounds dramatic but please bear with me.

on Saturday we went out to cinema then dinner as a family and I wore my usual uniform of leggings and tunic. All evening she kept “roasting” me saying things like “mummy is so fat and ugly that she breaks all the mirrors”. My DH laughed with her. I was upset and asked her to stop. I tried to ignore her as much as I could and when we got home I spoke to her and was truthful in how she hurt my feelings. I ordered new clothes for quick delivery and they arrived this morning. I felt quite nice and I tried them on. I haven’t purchased new clothes for around 5 years since youngest was born as I put on lots of weight and have stayed in my leggings and stuff. She laughed at me when she saw me and called me fat again. My youngest came up to me and cuddled me. Her father this time tried to talk to her about hurting my feelings and she told him she’s not going to lie when I am fat and I look worse as the clothes are bigger so make me look fatter (I got wide leg trousers). I feel so low I don’t feel like leaving the house. Shall I just wear my usual clothes and return these? She didn’t seem to call me fat so much before we went out but I felt really awful on Saturday when I saw all the other women wearing lovely clothes and I had leggings and tunic on. I tried to buy all the clothes I thought would make me look better and truthfully I feel I do look nicer than I usually do. I feel so low can anyone talk some sense into me. Before people say she’s 10, it does t matter the age as her words really hurt me and she said everything I was already thinking that I’ll never be Preety and will always look fat and ugly as she told me.

My daughter has, her anorexic friend called her fat repeatedly during an argument now my daughter is borderline anorexic too

Your husband not stepping in immediately and laughing along with her … shires he does not respect you, and she respects him more than she respects you

It is about your husband not respecting you

it is not about your clothes or your size at all

Awful. The pressure on girls and women continues to be destructive. Where did her friend learn to be so cruel and abusive? That won't stop with the odd kind chat.
I hope your daughter is getting help 💐

I don’t really think the OP needs people telling her to eat more vegetables and join and gym, what she needs is more people telling her she needs to (metaphorically) kick her daughter’s butt and make a stand to absolutely not tolerate this sort of crap from a ten year old.

OP - you are the adult. It’s not your kid’s business if you are fat (as many of us are) or if you want to paint yourself bright blue and go to Sainsbury’s wearing a top hat. You can do that. You are the grown up. She doesn’t get to be rude, mean and cruel to you, or anyone else. She doesn’t get to dictate how people feel about themselves. Tell her off, confiscate whatever she likes playing with (tech or otherwise), give her some housework to do then sit down, wearing whatever clothes make you feel comfortable, and have a cream cake. Because you can.

Yeah, she says these things and he laughs?

I mean a child is not going to stop behaving in a certain way if one of the parents condones it are they?

I would like to volunteer to join in with painting myself bright blue, wearing a top hat and going to Sainsbury’s, can we buy the cream cake whilst we’re there…now that does sound d like a fun day out 🤣🤣🤣

This is why I come down hard when I hear my younger pupils ‘roasting’ each other or engaging in ‘banter’. They lack the maturity, humour, subtlety and skill and it descends into a round of insults. Along with people who are ‘just telling the truth’, this really is a form of bullying dressed up as something innocent.

At home, I’d speak to your daughter about your expectations as to how people should be treated. If she can’t meet these, there need to be consequences for just her.

I’d also speak to school about this as it’s going to get them into hot water when (not if) someone takes it the wrong way.

Remember, you’re the parent here: your daughter doesn’t have a right to make you feel this way.

I’m saying the consequence isn’t that her tech gets taken or some other zero sum ‘punishment’. That isn’t how you teach empathy.
she needs to feel really bad that she hurt her mum, but she won’t feel it if she doesn’t have it modelled.
so, I’d be willing to bet that the op is actually modelling shame. If my child spoke to me like that I would be hurt and angry and I would tell them off (I’m certainly NOT suggesting that this kid isn't told off) but I would then behave as if they were right and I deserved to be shamed like the OP has. I think she needs to be honest that her DD isn’t operating in a vacuum and she has responded by giving her a lot of power. Kids don’t want that. They don’t need that. She needs to be taught how to behave.

Given that her husband laughed along with a 10 year old child insulting his wife means he’s signalling to her thinks it’s acceptable so it’s not so far beyond a possibility that she could have picked it up from him! It’s one thing that a child of that age has said it, but the fact her DH didn’t immediately nip it in the bud is appalling! I’d be more annoyed at him in this scenario.

Absolutely not ok.

And I’d be making her holiday boring and refusing to take her anywhere saying if she can’t be seen with you in public then she can stay home.

The the younger one(s) out to great places.

She needs to learn NOW that this behaviour is not ok.

And you need to ignore her comments and be going out and about.

Tell her it's a cruel thing to do as it's being incredibly mean on purpose. And normally people put themselves up for it, and you haven't. If it was me, I would do a rendition on HER. Ooo Polly, do you get all your clothes from Tesco because it's the only place I can roll to? But then, I'm a cow like that

I can’t believe that your main response to your daughter’s appalling behaviour was to order some new clothes? 🤦🏻‍♀️

It’s clear that you have very low self esteem right now but you need to focus on your daughter’s behaviour and work out how to help her change. Stop wallowing in self pity about your body shape and focus on teaching your daughter (and husband) to have respect for you and others. You can still look at losing weight/buying new clothes but that’s a secondary issue that isn’t anything to do with them.

I hope you gave her immediate consequences for her deliberately hurtful and unnecessary comments? An immediate Tech ban and a discussion about why she thinks it’s cool to be mean and why that’s completely unacceptable behaviour. Not going out for a trip because you feel embarrassed about your looks will reinforce her view that judging people by their appearance is ok. You have to help her understand why that’s entirely superficial and wrong.

I’m obese but I wouldn’t expect my DC to comment on my shape or size because they know it’s incredibly rude and they don’t judge others by their clothes or body shape.

@PigglyWigglyOhYeah spot on!
That's the crux of it. The 10 year old girl has too much power and she bloody loves it.

Wow this is hurtful, you can’t let her continue with this. I remember I went through a phase of being quite mean but it was a reflection of how I felt about myself. Is she being bullied at school, is she feeling fat and ugly herself? She’s hearing insults from somewhere, do you insult others or insult yourself in front of her. It’s easy to get into the habit of saying ‘Don’t take a photo of mummy, she looks fat today’ ‘do I look stupid in these clothes?’

She may also be going through a phase of where she finds you embarrassing. It’s normal but also she cannot be unkind like this and I would try get to the bottom of it.

She needs to be told you have to be very clever when you “Roast” someone as they have to enjoy the humour as well.

Telling someone who is fat that they are fat is just stating the obvious. It’s not funny or clever

Hurting someone’s feelings by stating the obvious is just being a bully.

It might be helpful to humanise her mum though! So many children and partners don't see mums as human beings.

Such a good point about rewarding the youngest child for their kindness ❤

Both parents condoned it. As FuckityFux said
I can’t believe that your main response to your daughter’s appalling behaviour was to order some new clothes
As if the daughter had made a valid point.

I have a ten year old too, and I’m so fortunate that she’s an insightful and inherently caring kid. Not perfect by any means but I can’t imagine her ever saying something like this as she would understand it to be hurtful and cruel.

OTOH I also have a ND seventeen year old who is frequently rude and routinely mocks or takes down others. She can be pretty brutal and hurtful! She told me at the weekend being autistic means she always feels out of place. It made me think about her behaviour towards others in a different way, as coming from a place of discomfort rather than cruelty. No amount of reasoning, correction or chastisement has made a blind bit of difference to this over the years, if anything it’s just made our relationship fragile which is really sad as she sees it as being constantly criticised. I do worry about her friendships as they tend to be transient, often coming to an abrupt end as she moves on to the next person or group.

Not suggesting OP’s DD is ND, just adding our experience of kids saying hurtful things - in our case there is more at play obviously.

I’m overweight and neither of my kids have ever mocked me over my weight, in fact my ten year old is at pains to tell me I look nice if she senses I’m unsure about an outfit or trying to dress up for something!

I couldn’t agree more that OP has a DH problem, it’s awful to hear he laughed at this.

I would come down like a tonne of bricks on a 10 year old who spoke like that about me or anyone else. I’d be furious and make it clear to them that they’re being a little brat who will end up with no friends if they don’t learn to empathise with others and ‘read the room’. Also she needs an actual punishment which is something social-life related (eg she can’t go to a friends party) until she learns how to act nicely with others.

I’m concerned the OP is unable to discipline her DD because her self esteem is too low and so she feels she deserves the “roasting”. This is very sad and the OP will end up with a very difficult teenager on her hands.

Gosh, stories like this are why I’m wary of having kids. I cannot imagine sacrificing 10 years of my life loving, caring and looking after another human being for them to turn around and say such hurtful, cruel things.

Sending lots of support OP 💐

Agree with PP regarding really praising your little one for showing such kindness! And the 10 year old really needs a sharp wake up call in terms of what is an acceptable and appropriate way to speak to others.

I have a 10 year old.
She tells me she loves my tummy and i'm the cuddliest. which is lovely but not really... i do need to lose it a bit, but at the same time my eldest when I call myself fat tells me to not be mean to myself.

I was called fat by my parents all my life but I seem to have done something right with the kids... although i was a bit pissed off when one of them said dad was smarter (and the other tried to say he was start in different ways) but that's because he likes to loudly pontificate and monologue so it looks smart (for a kid)

I would tell your daughter how much she hurt you and you shouldn't comment on things people can't change easily.

The amount of fat people in the comments ready to crucify a child, instead of aiming responsibility and agency for their eating behaviours is astonishing.

the responsibility lies purely with her parents teaching her how rude it is to comment on someone's appearance. It's basic decent manners.

It wouldn't be any more ok to go around calling someone skinny/string bean/ugly, taking the piss out of their clothes, hair, religion, sexuality, height, or anything else about them.

The weight of people or her mum is entirely irrelevant. The fact that escapes your notice is astonishing.

Please don't let it put you off. Mine were well mannered, loving and considerate, at that age, as they are as adults. However, you have to put a lot of work in, with expectations, boundaries and family bonding. What has happened here is that something has gone very wrong in the family dynamic, and with the expectations of the 10 year old.