To feel sad what my 10 year old said to me

[iCantStopppEatinggg]

I don’t have anyone in rl to talk to about it. DH has dismissed my feelings and laughed along with my DD. It’s Easter holidays and I’m stuck indoors unable to leave due to what my DD has said to me. I know it sounds dramatic but please bear with me.

on Saturday we went out to cinema then dinner as a family and I wore my usual uniform of leggings and tunic. All evening she kept “roasting” me saying things like “mummy is so fat and ugly that she breaks all the mirrors”. My DH laughed with her. I was upset and asked her to stop. I tried to ignore her as much as I could and when we got home I spoke to her and was truthful in how she hurt my feelings. I ordered new clothes for quick delivery and they arrived this morning. I felt quite nice and I tried them on. I haven’t purchased new clothes for around 5 years since youngest was born as I put on lots of weight and have stayed in my leggings and stuff. She laughed at me when she saw me and called me fat again. My youngest came up to me and cuddled me. Her father this time tried to talk to her about hurting my feelings and she told him she’s not going to lie when I am fat and I look worse as the clothes are bigger so make me look fatter (I got wide leg trousers). I feel so low I don’t feel like leaving the house. Shall I just wear my usual clothes and return these? She didn’t seem to call me fat so much before we went out but I felt really awful on Saturday when I saw all the other women wearing lovely clothes and I had leggings and tunic on. I tried to buy all the clothes I thought would make me look better and truthfully I feel I do look nicer than I usually do. I feel so low can anyone talk some sense into me. Before people say she’s 10, it does t matter the age as her words really hurt me and she said everything I was already thinking that I’ll never be Preety and will always look fat and ugly as she told me.

How awful, if I were you I would keep the clothes as you brought them primarily for yourself. Wide leg trousers look great with heels, think you could try this too. It makes me look taller and helps with the extra weight I’ve gained in peri. Your post is so sad, start to take care of yourself for you! Going the gym or a class to help you lose weight. Good luck x

It is entirely her fault.

Very rude. I would have gone out with your youngest and left her behind with your DH.

Just shows you how much expectations around children's behaviour have slipped over time.
My parents would have wiped the floor with me, if I said anything like that.

You have a DH problem too.

You need to reframe this OP. Your rude DD didn’t miss out because you were sad - it needs to be framed as a direct consequence of her actions.

”I’m not happy spending my leisure time with someone who’s being so rude to me” - that’s the line to take.

You need zero tolerance with ANY so-called roasting. And you need to have words with your DH - he’s encouraged this by laughing along. Not funny and not acceptable.

Your DD is still a child so this needs to be nipped in the bud now.

BTW, I love leggings and a tunic. Comfy and smart. Don’t ever compare yourself to others. Comparison is the thief of joy.

As I’ve said earlier in this thread, I don’t do punishments per se, but I do follow natural consequences. So you’d need to consider what those consequences are. It might be that you feel she’s being unduly influenced by what she sees online, so no internet access for a month. Or any fun trips that she’d like, you only take your younger child because if someone is spiteful and mean, why would you want to spend time with them?! Actions have consequences and she needs to learn this.

You can tell her you’re hurt while holding your head high. She might be very upset but she needs to learn that you don’t get to treat people like shit and get away with it.

The important thing is that you go on to give her an easy way to move past this so the situation doesn’t escalate and/or turn into a battle of wills. Once the natural consequences/punishment has played out, you talk to her and say it’s done now, you’re drawing a line under it, so no need for it to be mentioned again…..but you won’t accept any repeat of the behaviour. No exceptions. And just in case this occurs, that also means your DH doesn’t “roast” her as a joke (just in case that goes on!)

You need to take a strong line here OP, don’t let your own self-esteem issues cloud what’s going on. Good luck 💐

Your daughter was very mean. She is on the way to becoming a bully.
Your husband is the only one who should pull her up - pointing out that she hurt another person by saying something mean.
He should ban her from watching any screens for the rest of the weekend. Next time your younger daughter gets a new dress or pair of jeans, the older DD should miss out.
Every time she is mean there should be a consequence.

Adressing how you feel.
You owe it to yourself to lose weight.
You are not doomed to be forever large and wearing clothes that do not inspire you.

Join a gym, without speaking about it with mean DD1, and dedicate yourself to attending twice per week and walking locally the other days.

Change your eating habits by not buying sugar nor anything sweet.

Eat twice as many vegetables and cut away visible fat from your meat. Drink more water.

Over the course of one year you might drop a couple of sizes and have more energy. You might also enjoy joining a group with a local dietition. You might enjoy the emotional support.

Respectfully OP, I understand you are upset, but you need to stop getting wrapped up in your own feelings about this, turn it around and focus on your daughter.

Where has she learned that this kind of behaviour/ language is acceptable and how are you going to support her to grow past it?

This needs to be about her, not about you.

It sounds like she is developing some very unpleasant tendencies and frankly a 10 year old should know that it's not OK to be that rude to anybody, let alone their parent.

She is a child. She has picked this up somewhere. As her parent, how can you help her grow into a better human?

This .

It sounds like you have no respect from your family and unless you make changes it won’t be long before the younger child joins in . You need a complete refresh , get rid of the uniform of the fat , leggings / tunic do no-one any favours . You’ve bought new clothes so embrace them . Start asserting yourself at home . New boundaries of behaviour and consequences for bad behaviour. Tell your partner this is what I need from you . If they both see a change and you taking control the respect will follow .

This isn't just rudeness, it's cruelty. I'm sorry, OP, you don't deserve that.

This is one instance I would give a serious consequence - likely no internet for a month.

Done get sad, get angry...with your husband for starters! You DD is only 10 but old enough to know she was hurtful but more worrying is that she is being led subtly by your DH to abuse you. He is mainly at fault here.

At 10 years old if my ds said that to me there would be consequences every time he was that rude or disrespectful.

Immediately reaction would be a sharp stop it now or else.
If he did it again he would be straight home from cinema or meal.
Then grounded and an apology would be expected.

You need to nip it in the bud with zero tolerance. She needs to know if she behaves that way she is going to get a reaction she doesn't like and will impact her.

Then you need to do the same with your dh, zero tolerance of him encouraging or condoning that behaviour from her as he is doing her no favours.

You both need to step up and parent her, give her firm boundaries or you will find her teen years will be hell.

Hi Op,

I’m so sorry that you’re feeling down. I hope that you find the strength to galvanise yourself to stand tall, be your own best friend and find support from people who help you to feel good!

I think some of the comments have been overly harsh though and I hope they haven’t added to your worries. I’m quite shocked at some of the terms people have used about your 10-year old child. I’m sorry about that too 🙁. I’ve been a teacher for 27 years, with a large proportion of this time as a Year 5 form teacher. I now run my own school. The roasting trend has been going on for years and years, all the way back to ‘yo mama….’ in the 90s. It’s a brutal genre of humour and I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve had to sit kids down and discuss the pitfalls and emotional fallout that can arise. Some kids are better at finding the boundaries with it than others. Your daughter is obviously pretty hopeless at it 😄 and will need more direction - be it through discussion (your husband included!) or consequences, whatever works for you.

How is your daughter in general? I’m surprised no-one has asked this. Do you usually get along? Is she ok with friends, teachers etc?

10 year old kids are vulnerable to all sorts of dreadful influences from their peers, social media and sometimes even their parents (I’m looking at your husband here!) Labelling 10 year old children as bullies, bitches and even cunts 😳 is no way to help them through and indicates emotional regulation problems from the adults concerned, as does talk of slapping, wiping the floor and kicking into next week.

As a teacher with a lifetime of experience working with kids it always strikes me how unreliable parents are as a judge of their own children’s character (and I include myself in this!). We only see what we see and then add our own narrative on the top. So for the parents whose kids would ‘never do such things’ just be a bit careful because, in all likelihood, they’re right there in the mix bitching, excluding, teasing, roasting with the best of them - some are just much better at hiding it from adults! Kids are kids and there is rarely one class bully, just lots of imperfect mini humans finding their way,

Try not to berate yourself or your daughter too much op (your OH on the other hand 🙄). Keep a level head, sit your husband down for a firm talking to and then work together on your daughter. Oh, and maybe check in with her teacher to get an extra perspective.

Good luck ❤️

I would really tell her off and remove all screens for a day or 2. Your husband needs to back you up as well. His laughing along is terrible. With regards to the " roasting" thing, I've heard it mentioned recently among my 9 year old and their friends. Sometimes when I tell one of my kids off, she will make a nasty comment based on my appearance but I've figured I'm best sometimes ignoring it as she says the things that she thinks will upset me. She's autistic and has outbursts with some behavioural issues so I don't take her comments to heart. Some things I will tell her off for, others are best ignored depending on the severity.

You think everything that’s wrong in the world is based on my post. Have some perspective!

Erm I was about to agree with this except…wear what the hell you want Op, don’t let a ten year old or strangers on the internet dictate the way you look, the take away here definitely should not be “yes change your clothes Op!”

begin now to develop a habit of putting yourself first, wear what you want to wear, arrange the odd trip that suits you rather than the children and expect to be spoken to with a reasonable amount of respect (allowing for the fact that kids aren’t perfect and can all be little snots from time to time!)

Just to add, when I was around the same age I made a similar rude comment, imitating the way I’d heard some girls at Guides speaking.

my mum looked absolutely shocked and said “that was very rude and nothing like that comes out of your mouth again, is that clear?”
then sent me to my room for the evening.
i felt I deserved it and never did it again.
i feel that nowadays we tiptoe around kids too much and that sort of response would have been much more useful here.

Don’t want to kick you when you are down but missing your London trip wasn’t the right thing to do.
you and your kids need more joy not less. You deserve a lovely day out just as much as anyone. Martyring yourself and your youngest missing out just proves your eldest DDs point - that you being overweight is affecting the family.

I also think people advising taking away screens etc as a punishment are missing the point. You don’t teach empathy and kindness with punishment. She needs to FEEL that what she says hurts, she needs to understand that it’s wrong on a human level, not because her tech might be taken away! That’s dog training not human making.
what I would do is model being good to yourself. Wear your new clothes, spend quality time with the family not moping. Explain you were hurt by her comments but understand that she is saying these things for a reason - that she herself is angry for some reason. Book another family trip. Show her that YOU LIKE YOURSELF. If you can’t do that, how are you expecting her to?
later when the dust has settled and you are less hurt then you might want to ask why she said it. Is your weight affecting you? Are you unable to move about etc? Do you have low self esteem?. Yes she’s been vile, but there might be something that she needs you to hear and in her immature and unskilled way, she’s gone about it the wrongly.
your husband sounds immature too…

I would have replied that I'd rather look ugly on the outside and be a nice person inside, than be an ugly person who says mean and hurtful things to others, and brushed her off. It might be harsh, but you need to nip this behaviour in the bud. Showing her that her words have the intended effect is feeding her behaviour.

Op you’re the parent not a doormat

The 10 year old should love and respect you, not want to take the piss. Step up now. She needs a strong maternal figure not someone who thinks their weight has any relevance to being their mum.

You might think you are fat but it’s not your child’s concern. Pull your daughter up on being rude. Wear the clothes. Find some nice friends to give you a better perspective on yourself than your knob of a husband

I have a nine year old and would be horrified if she behaved like this. She needs to learn that this is not acceptable either at home or outside the home.

You keep saying it’s not her fault, she’s a child etc but I’m not sure I agree, she is definitely old enough to know that this is wrong and unkind.

I’m prepared to bet that almost no overweight person has ever lost weight after being mocked and bullied like this.

@CountFucula so the vicious nasty behaviour gets punished by the OP getting new clothes? No, it needs to hit home. This girl has gone too far and doesn't seem reflective at all. There needs to be some hard work getting her to understand acceptable boundaries.
A clear cause and consequence.
The OP wearing new clothes won't do that.

Absolutely this.

Your daughter sounds like a nasty little bully. 10 is way old enough to know better than this.
agree with PPs-don’t show her you’re sad, show her you’re angry! How DARE she speak to her mum like that? She would have got a sharp bollocking from me, sent to her room and told do not speak to me until she learns to show some bloody respect.

I agree. Plus this wasn't a one off remark. It was a sustained, cruel attack which carried on the next day. That girl has tte mindset that her mother is an object of ridicule, not love amd respect.

My friends son is like this, he learned it from her abusive husband who she has now left