To feel sad what my 10 year old said to me

[iCantStopppEatinggg]

I don’t have anyone in rl to talk to about it. DH has dismissed my feelings and laughed along with my DD. It’s Easter holidays and I’m stuck indoors unable to leave due to what my DD has said to me. I know it sounds dramatic but please bear with me.

on Saturday we went out to cinema then dinner as a family and I wore my usual uniform of leggings and tunic. All evening she kept “roasting” me saying things like “mummy is so fat and ugly that she breaks all the mirrors”. My DH laughed with her. I was upset and asked her to stop. I tried to ignore her as much as I could and when we got home I spoke to her and was truthful in how she hurt my feelings. I ordered new clothes for quick delivery and they arrived this morning. I felt quite nice and I tried them on. I haven’t purchased new clothes for around 5 years since youngest was born as I put on lots of weight and have stayed in my leggings and stuff. She laughed at me when she saw me and called me fat again. My youngest came up to me and cuddled me. Her father this time tried to talk to her about hurting my feelings and she told him she’s not going to lie when I am fat and I look worse as the clothes are bigger so make me look fatter (I got wide leg trousers). I feel so low I don’t feel like leaving the house. Shall I just wear my usual clothes and return these? She didn’t seem to call me fat so much before we went out but I felt really awful on Saturday when I saw all the other women wearing lovely clothes and I had leggings and tunic on. I tried to buy all the clothes I thought would make me look better and truthfully I feel I do look nicer than I usually do. I feel so low can anyone talk some sense into me. Before people say she’s 10, it does t matter the age as her words really hurt me and she said everything I was already thinking that I’ll never be Preety and will always look fat and ugly as she told me.

A slapped arse used to do wonders for that.

I honestly don't know why anyone would tolerate that from their child. Her behaviour was nothing short of disgusting and you bloody rewarded her with dinner and cinema! Fuck that! I'd not have that from a toddler, never mind a 10 year old.

She should have been straight home, sent to her room and told to stay there until she can behave civilly and apologise.

Don't put up with it. Nasty children don't get to do nice things. They don't get treats, don't go places, don't get pocket money.

As for the husband laughing at it, don't be having that either. Tell him to sort himself out, act like the grown up who supposedly loves you and then sort out his damn kid who is picking up his nasty streak.

@iCantStopppEatinggg I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a hug (only if you wanted one, of course). Your posts resonate with me, and I feel pretty crappy about how I look post babies too.

For me it’s the double whammy of new people to look after, which leads to heaps of new things to do and remember, and the loss of time to do anything for myself, because all of my time is spent on the DC or DC related admin/ tasks, like laundry or food shopping. I am exhausted and time poor. But I draw comfort from the hope that when my DC are older, I’ll have some more time and my hormones will settle down (my youngest is 15 months and I still feel a bit all over the place) and I’ll feel better. I hope it will be the same for you OP. And in the meantime, enjoy the cuddles with your youngest, who sounds very sweet.

Oh gosh OP this is so sad. I really feel for you. If you need to lose weight you do it as and when you choose, but your DD has been so cruel and needs to be given a good head wobble and wake up to the nice life you’re giving her!!

I think you should be fuming mad rather than upset at what your daughter said to you and even more so at your husband. I understand your confidence may be low but you need to find some backbone and fight back. That language is cruel and indicates that she finds bullying funny. Your husband laughing too is awful. I would be leaving her with him and taking your son out for a nice day until they both learn to be kinder and stop making hurtful comments to you.

The thing is, your daughter is growing up in a world of body positivity, where slating people for being fat is considered terribly passé by many. She’s going to look extremely foolish (as well as cruel) when she tries to pull this move on a beautiful, confident fat girl at secondary school. She may as well start saying ‘that’s so gay’ as was all the rage circa 2000 - she needs to get with the times.

(@iCantStopppEatinggg the only thing stopping you being that beautiful, confident fat girl is YOU. I bet you look gorgeous in your new clothes. I’m a size 18 with thighs that could kickstart a truck and I look fucking fabulous - as I’m sure do you when you hold your head high. Your problem here is with your husband and your daughter, not with your body.)

All evening she kept “roasting” me saying things like “mummy is so fat and ugly that she breaks all the mirrors”

That isn’t roasting, that’s her being a nasty bully. Your DH laughing at that is horrific. I’d have left and gone home and let DH deal with the fall out.

It's no excuse her being 10. I once made a very mild joke about the names of parents' of a friend of my son's when he was that age. I got such a ticking off from him "how would you like it if someone made fun of your name?"

Can't you keep the clothes and get a refund on your DD instead!?*
(*I am only half joking... 🤔)

It is totally reasonable to be upset by your daughter's behaviour here. She is absolutely old enough to know better. I'd have been really upset if either of my DC had ever said anything like this.

However I don't think you should allow this to stop you from going out. I had some CBT therapy many years ago, for among other things social anxiety and the therapist told me that most people are so busy worrying about themselves that they have little time to be judging other people or what they look like.

Put on your nice new clothes and get out and enjoy the lovely weather. It's not fair on your littler child to be stuck indoors - she's done nothing wrong. Fake it until you make it! Pretend you are feeling good about yourself and you might just start to feel better. Hiding away indoors will not help with how you feel. However if there is someone you can leave the older one with I'd do so. I think at the very least having her forfeit some outings seems like a reasonable repercussions for her vile behaviour.

Going forward you have 2 options, either embrace the way you look and decide that it and you are fine, or do something to change it. Best of luck x

OP I’m so so sorry.
I don’t have any DC, but I do know how it feels to have my insecurities pointed out. It must have been 100 times worse because it’s your own child and she’s being so mean.
She needs to learn right now that this is unacceptable behaviour and it needs to stop right now.

My 10 yr old says things like this to me occasionally, trying to 'roast' me, saying things like you're so fat or you eat so much. The thing is, I'm slim and I buy myself loads of new clothes every month.

His comments don't upset me because it makes me worry how I look. His comments upset me because I'm horrified he's being influenced by misogynistic things he hears in the playground or from YouTube videos. It's most certainly not coming from my husband. I tell him we don't use the word fat, and we don't try to insult people by commenting on things about their appearance.

I agree. I'd barely be alive if I spoke to my mother that way at 10 and i'm not even that old.I'm only late thirties. It wasn't as if I was raised in the fifties.

Gentle parenting folks, this is what it does.

OP, I have 3 daughters, two of whom are teens. God knows, they are not perfect. But not once have they ever spoken to me like this. I’m plump but they have sensitivity.
How does it even come to this?

Second this. Not normal 10 year old - or even any year old - behaviour.

Really feel for you OP what a difficult situation. It sounds as if your daughter was enjoying making her Dad laugh and neither of them were thinking about what she was actually saying and it's impact on you.
The situation should have been stopped as soon as it started but that didn't happen.
I wouldn't have thought this was an isolated incident and perhaps this sort of disrespectful behaviour has been on the increase.
It sounds as if you need to sit your daughter down and give her a talk about what is acceptable and what isn't and to put boundaries into place.
This sort of behaviour cannot and should not be tolerated, you are the parent and she is the child. You and your husband set the tone in terms of what will and will not be tolerated. Your daughter is 10, she is old enough to understand actions have consequences.
You need to tell her how hurt you are and what your expectations are going forward.
Always remember what you will tolerate will continue.
Good luck with sorting this out OP.

Hi @iCantStopppEatinggg I think this will be something that when she is older she will look back on and feel terrible about. Whilst she is old enough to know better, it does sound like her daddy hasn’t taught her well. I would punish her and say well if this is what you’re picking up at school from these friends of yours, you’re not seeing them socially for a month and no playdates etc etc and then once the dust has settled I would sit down with her and show how upset you were. Literally tell her that you cried. Make her see and understand what she caused. Best wishes

Literally tell her that you cried. Make her see and understand what she caused.

In a way that's irrelevant and the wrong message. If the OP looked like Waynetta Slob after a hard night out on the tiles and was as thick skinned as Waynetta Slob it wouldn't actually make any difference. No body should be saying what she said about anyone.

She should definitely miss out!! Take your ds out, and tell her you choose not to do nice things for someone who says horrible things to you, she can stay home. Honestly I’d bring back chocolate or similar for everyone else- basically she’s grounded. and tell her you love her and you hope she learns how to treat people before her friends all do the same. Your dh should get absolute strips torn off him for having laughed and tell him it’s on him to he extremely supportive or he’s clearly part of the problem.

Yes this, no play dates no parties no social events, I’d be clear as your parents we need to keep you away from people who act like this. Up till now I’d have thought you understand it’s wrong but now we see that you don’t, so it’s really important we stop you from hanging out with them. If you want to take up a new sport etc we are ok with that.

Keep the new clothes and wear them.

Tell your DD she is being a brat and why is 'fat' an insult?

Then tell her the reason you are fat is that you have grown and given birth to children and that happens.

And tell your DH he is also being a brat, he does not have the excise of being 10.

You had a child with an unpleasant man and now you have an unpleasant child. No surprises there. I would be looking to minimise the time he spends with the younger one so they don't go the same way. Every other weekend sounds about right to me.

Oh love, I’m so sorry this happened. It’s completely understandable you feel hurt - she was unnecessarily cruel and is old enough to know better. I think (hard as it may be) that you might need to find your anger - her seeing you upset obviously hasn’t gotten through, and so if she’s going to act like a bully, she needs consequences for behaving like one. Take away electronics, cancel special treats, hang outs with friends, whatever needs to be done to send the message that bullying anyone (but especially her own Mum!) will absolutely not be tolerated in your household. Over here we have a firm rule that no one ever comments on someone’s appearance - ever - unless it’s to say something kind about it. I would also be having a serious conversation with your husband about his initial encouragement/minimizing of the behavior and the importance of him and you now being an absolutely united front against this continuing, otherwise bigger conversations will need to be had there too.

And then once all of that is handled, I’d look at ways to improve her empathy (and hugely reward your little one for how kind they were to you when you were sad), whether that be through volunteering or conversations or random acts of kindness. I also wonder if she’s commenting on your appearance because she’s starting to worry about hers, although obviously that doesn’t make it okay. For what it’s worth, I bet you look beautiful in your old clothes and those new ones, and if you feel good in them, that’s all that matters. Don’t let a 10 year old who has seriously misfired with her humor/behavior take that joy from you. But please don’t hide away - the world is better for you being in it

Your husband needs to read him the riot act. The first time he came out with that misogynistic crap should have been the last.

OP I'm so sorry you're feeling this low. But please try to channel your sadness into some sort of productive anger.

As parents, we are responsible for the children we are sending out into the world. If she is prepared to say this to you (and she is testing the waters here) then you can bet she is/will be saying this to other children who will be having their confidence broken even worse than yours, as an adult, has been. This is unacceptable behaviour and you must stamp it out now, along with your husband.

She needs humbling. First in a lecture about unkind words and rudeness, then in more practical lessons about what it means to be a good person (litter picking, making food for the homeless, charity fundraising etc).

Do not sit back and watch a bully being created.

This is NOT the result of gentle parenting.

I’ve followed the principles of gentle parenting and hell would freeze over before either of my 15yr olds would speak to me like this.

I treat my DC with respect but I expect them to respect me in return. And they absolutely do. They’ve never thrown a strop at me and I can remember one occasion - and one occasion only - when DS took a slight tone with me, and he immediately apologised when I said “excuse me?”

Don’t mix up gentle parenting and permissive parenting. Gentle parenting has boundaries and expectations that are clearly communicated. Permissive parenting does not.