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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants to kiss baby but gets coldsores

133 replies

Itsrainingfrogs · 07/04/2025 14:42

I have an almost 5 month old baby, and we told everyone there would be no kissing the baby when she was born (she was born in peak cold and flu season) which is what the NHS recommends.
MIL started kissing her when she was around 3m old and when we reminded her again that we didn’t want the baby to be kissed she “thought it was ok now she wasn’t a newborn”.
Baby is now 5m and I know it will come up again. AIBU to say that I never want my MIL to kiss the baby due to the fact she gets coldsores?

MIL also puts her fingers in my baby’s mouth, and sprays her with saliva when blowing raspberries which also annoys me so I’m not sure if I’m just being precious/an overprotective first time mum.

OP posts:
Coffeeishot · 07/04/2025 14:44

Just ask her to stop it's fine to do that, why is she putting her fingers in her mouth ?

Nanny0gg · 07/04/2025 14:45

Normally I wouldn't mind

But coldsores - no way

And there is no need to put her fingers in her mouth either

Back in the day if a baby was teething, you might give them a knuckle to chew on but definitely not fingers

SomethingSScintillating · 07/04/2025 14:47

Absolutely revolting

OP just say, I know I sound mean nil but it's making me uncomfortable to have your fingers and and spit over baby.

I know I'm being silly but can you stop it' thanks

Bogginsthe3rd · 07/04/2025 14:49

Why are fingers going in baby's mouth. You absolutely need to stop this. Be upfront. You have cold sores and are spitting on her. Please stop and no fingers in mouth because it's weird and invasive

AlwaysTryingVeryHard · 07/04/2025 14:52

You should definitely stop this. I was given cold sores age 6 by an elderly aunt (friend of the family). She kissed me on the lips when she had an active cold sore. She also gave me a box of liqueur chocolates, so it was quite a day. Yuk.

I've been plagued by the things my whole life and can't kiss people because of it, including DS and DH, so it's really a ghastly thing to do to anybody.

Slap 'er with a wet fish if she even thinks about it.

Thebloodynine · 07/04/2025 14:53

Why is she putting her fingers in the baby’s mouth?

The cold sore thing; she isn’t contagious if she doesn’t have a cold sore so you need to relax that a bit. Grandparents should be able to kiss their grandchildren and vice versa. But, maybe it’s personal opinion. I don’t agree with the new trends of no one else being allowed to hold the baby and no one allowed to kiss the baby, however if that’s the choice you’ve made then that’s up to you but you need ti keep the same rule for everyone. You can’t let your mum kiss the baby and tell your husband’s mum that she isn’t allowed.

Anxioustealady · 07/04/2025 14:59

Thebloodynine · 07/04/2025 14:53

Why is she putting her fingers in the baby’s mouth?

The cold sore thing; she isn’t contagious if she doesn’t have a cold sore so you need to relax that a bit. Grandparents should be able to kiss their grandchildren and vice versa. But, maybe it’s personal opinion. I don’t agree with the new trends of no one else being allowed to hold the baby and no one allowed to kiss the baby, however if that’s the choice you’ve made then that’s up to you but you need ti keep the same rule for everyone. You can’t let your mum kiss the baby and tell your husband’s mum that she isn’t allowed.

No. She doesn't.

One of my grandparents got coldsores but they made the effort all their life to avoid spreading it to their spouse, children and grandchildren, because it's an awful virus to have and dangerous to babies. I'm very grateful to them for that.

Daisyvodka · 07/04/2025 15:00

I'm a bit confused, why can't you say 'we love you very much, but as you get coldsores could you not do x and y with the baby as you might pass them on to her?' She would love xxx instead'
Anyone who tries to argue they have the right to risk passing on coldsores to a baby is clearly not right. Although I would want to be doing more research on how they pass on - you can actively shed the coldsore virus without having symptoms, but I'm not sure that spit would definitely carry it?

TheSassyAmberNewt · 07/04/2025 15:00

you need ti keep the same rule for everyone. You can’t let your mum kiss the baby and tell your husband’s mum that she isn’t allowed.

Rubbish. You would absolutely set a different boundary for one grandma who shoves her fingers into other people’s mouths compared to another grandma who wouldn’t dream of sticking her fingers in other people’s mouths.

Disgusting behaviour from your MIL, OP - absolutely tell her to stop. Remind her your baby is a person and deserves respect and care.

Thebloodynine · 07/04/2025 15:02

Anxioustealady · 07/04/2025 14:59

No. She doesn't.

One of my grandparents got coldsores but they made the effort all their life to avoid spreading it to their spouse, children and grandchildren, because it's an awful virus to have and dangerous to babies. I'm very grateful to them for that.

Show quote history

Which means they didn’t kiss you when they had a cold sore. Most people with cold sores aren’t idiots. The OP doesn’t say no kissing when an active cold sore is present, she says no kissing at all. But just for MiL. That’s not ok really. Same rule for everyone. That’s just my opinion, and the OP has asked for opinions.

AngelaMerkin1 · 07/04/2025 15:08

Thebloodynine · 07/04/2025 14:53

Why is she putting her fingers in the baby’s mouth?

The cold sore thing; she isn’t contagious if she doesn’t have a cold sore so you need to relax that a bit. Grandparents should be able to kiss their grandchildren and vice versa. But, maybe it’s personal opinion. I don’t agree with the new trends of no one else being allowed to hold the baby and no one allowed to kiss the baby, however if that’s the choice you’ve made then that’s up to you but you need ti keep the same rule for everyone. You can’t let your mum kiss the baby and tell your husband’s mum that she isn’t allowed.

This is inaccurate, people can shed the virus and transmit it to others even when they are asymptomatic.

Thebloodynine · 07/04/2025 15:09

AngelaMerkin1 · 07/04/2025 15:08

This is inaccurate, people can shed the virus and transmit it to others even when they are asymptomatic.

Show quote history

I’m sure all those spouses where one gets cold sores never kiss them. My boyfriend gets them. Never infected me.

They’re not lepers. It’s a horrible way to behave.

Sevenandahalf · 07/04/2025 15:11

Will she ever be able to kiss her grand child ? What about on the top of the head. Babies are very kissable ❤️

chipsaway · 07/04/2025 15:11

You are being unreasonable.

I have had the cold sore virus since a child. I’ve kissed my husband and children when they were babies when I was cold sore free (not with an active cold sore). They have not come to any harm or developed a cold sore. My children are now in their teens.

ClaredeBear · 07/04/2025 15:14

My mother has cold sores and she was very careful not to kiss my daughter (30 years ago!) for this reason, so there are no excuses and what’s this about putting fingers in baby’s mouth? Disgusting - stand your ground.

Streaaa · 07/04/2025 15:14

Why is she putting her fingers into a babys mouth?
Disgusting.
I would be so allergic to her entitlement.
Cold sores are a dose and unfortunate.
Annoying not to be able to kiss your grandchild, but not a such a big deal that you would risk a baby.
I have never had or even seen anyone stick their finger into a babys mouth.
A filthy unhygienic unnecessary thing to do.
You have my sympathy OP.

Anxioustealady · 07/04/2025 15:15

Thebloodynine · 07/04/2025 15:09

I’m sure all those spouses where one gets cold sores never kiss them. My boyfriend gets them. Never infected me.

They’re not lepers. It’s a horrible way to behave.

Edited
Show quote history

That's adults making informed choices, not babies. If I had the choice I'd prefer adults who carried cold sores didn't kiss me when I was a baby.

ClaredeBear · 07/04/2025 15:16

chipsaway · 07/04/2025 15:11

You are being unreasonable.

I have had the cold sore virus since a child. I’ve kissed my husband and children when they were babies when I was cold sore free (not with an active cold sore). They have not come to any harm or developed a cold sore. My children are now in their teens.

My mother thinks she was given cold sores by an adult kissing her when she was a child. This happens often and the virus can remain dormant for many years, so children may not experience symptoms until they’re older.

Meadowfinch · 07/04/2025 15:23

Try making a practical alternative as a suggestion. It's more likely to succeed.

'MIL, you get cold sores and they are horribly contagious so when you kiss baby, please can you kiss them on top of the head'

Didimum · 07/04/2025 15:42

I think you are YABU and overprotective to never let the baby's grandmother kiss her. And there's an awful lot of misinformation about coldsores on this threads.

It's at its most contagious during an active, blister outbreak – so yes, don't kiss anyone.

Yes, it's transmittable at any time, but through skin to skin (yes, hands!) so unless you are planning to never let her hold baby, then kissing or not won't make a difference.

70% of people carry the coldsore virus but only 20% of people have either developed a coldsore or get recurring coldsores. It's incredibly common and there will be no real avoiding it, I'm afraid – it's luck of the draw.

GoingBackToNOWHERE · 07/04/2025 15:43

I get occasional coldsores.

That means I could never ever kiss my baby at all or my partner? Fuck no! I don’t kiss them when I have active cold sore or when I start to get that tingly feeling on my lip,sure. But at all?

UndermyShoeJoe · 07/04/2025 15:46

You’d think she wouldn’t want to pass it on. It can be deadly for babies as well.

It can be transmitted even when you don’t have symptoms. Though I’ve never understood why people want to kiss other people’s children.

Anxioustealady · 07/04/2025 16:02

GoingBackToNOWHERE · 07/04/2025 15:43

I get occasional coldsores.

That means I could never ever kiss my baby at all or my partner? Fuck no! I don’t kiss them when I have active cold sore or when I start to get that tingly feeling on my lip,sure. But at all?

You decide with your own baby, but not other people's.

bakebeans · 07/04/2025 16:07

ClaredeBear · 07/04/2025 15:16

My mother thinks she was given cold sores by an adult kissing her when she was a child. This happens often and the virus can remain dormant for many years, so children may not experience symptoms until they’re older.

Show quote history

Hi yes she thinks so and perhaps if she was kissed whilst her mum had an active cold sore.

I have suffered with warts, verrucas and cold sores (similar virus). I have never kissed anyone with an active cold sore or if I had one brewing.
I have not had any warts since i gave birth to my children but my youngest suffered with warts to her fingers and stubborn verrucas. No cold sores.
My eldest and my husband have never had any warts, verrucas and cold sores.

No one else in my family either my mum dad and siblings or cousins have had any cold sores. I must be the lucky one.
The OP has mentioned her MIl never ever kissing her baby. If that was the case I would have to go through my entire life without kissing a single soul.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 07/04/2025 16:15

YABU she deserves to kiss her grandchild. And babies deserve to be loved by more than just their mum. You stopped everyone from kissing the baby for 3 whole months, I think you are being extremely over protective now. In a few months your baby will be rolling around trying to lick stones, licking trolley handles and people's shoes and god knows what else. That's what they do, they put everything in their mouth and need to build a strong immunity. A bit of MILs saliva is nothing by comparison. If a coldsore presents then i agree absolutely no kissing until it fades away but otherwise I think you are being very foolish worrying about this.