MIL wants to kiss baby but gets coldsores

[Itsrainingfrogs]

I have an almost 5 month old baby, and we told everyone there would be no kissing the baby when she was born (she was born in peak cold and flu season) which is what the NHS recommends.
MIL started kissing her when she was around 3m old and when we reminded her again that we didn’t want the baby to be kissed she “thought it was ok now she wasn’t a newborn”.
Baby is now 5m and I know it will come up again. AIBU to say that I never want my MIL to kiss the baby due to the fact she gets coldsores?

MIL also puts her fingers in my baby’s mouth, and sprays her with saliva when blowing raspberries which also annoys me so I’m not sure if I’m just being precious/an overprotective first time mum.

The coldsore virus is only contagious when someone actually has a coldsore. Some people only get one once and never again. Others get recurring problems. Has your husband caught them from his mother? If so, do you plan to ben him from kissing his own baby? If not, doesn’t that demonstrate the point - that they are only contagious during an outbreak? I think it sounds like this is a pretext for preventing your MiL relaxing and enjoying your baby’s company.

You can shed the virus cells before you are aware of a new outbreak. And IT’S A BABY. Christ let it grow a little. Why is the MILs feeling more important that the babies health. Herpes virus can be serious for infants as their little immune systems are not developed

More like a hater of someone with cold sores who thinks their right to kiss and stick their grubby little finger into the baby’s mouth and spit all over the baby over rides a baby’s right not to be given herpes/have a finger stuck in their mouth and spat on

Of you think a grandparent is equal to a parent then you will be a nightmare mil

Not everyone needs mils to be babysitter or would in fact rather use someone else anyway.

Personally I'd compromise on the kissing and let her kiss the baby's head. You're the parent and it's your call though.

Putting her fingers in their mouth is disgusting though. Why on earth is she doing that? It makes me feel physically sick to think of random relatives sticking their fingers in my mouth so why should a baby have to put up with it 🤢. Honestly, just tell her to stop it.

Hardly. You were the one who used the very loaded word 'deserves'. Babies need close physical contact with the mother for at least the first three months (the 4th trimester) but not necessarily with extended family members. In the early days, the mum advocates for the baby so if OP isn't comfortable with her MIL kissing her baby, because of cold sores she has every right to stop her.

YANBU. Our DC1 caught coldsores from MIL. I was furious about it, she continued to try with our next DC too.
Our DC1 has fully understood why not to kiss DC2, so I'm not sure what possesses an adult to lack that awareness.

It's entitlement! I'm so glad your first child was ok.

I don't think you can police who another adult kisses, or tell her how to interact with her grandchild.
I get a cold sore about once every 10 years. I had one when my baby was born. The midwives told me not to kiss her until it was gone. I did as I was told, but have kissed her ever since. She is 9 now, and no coldsores for either of us. If I had never kissed her again, that would be 9 years of no kisses for no reason.
I would mention in a conversation how dangerous active cold sores can be, and how good it would be to never get the virus. But I wouldn't make her feel like I was watching and policing her relationship. That could be very damaging.

She was luckily a toddler, but it was still not pleasant and she's had a few outbreaks since which really bother her (especially now she's a teenager).
She brought it up with MIL once and MIL dismissed it by saying she would have caught it once she started dating anyway and that everyone gets it at some point so it doesn't matter.

I feel really sorry for her, especially being a teen girl. I would be furious with your MIL, what an arse to dismiss it like that.

Babies cannot advocate for themselves, so their parents have to do so on their behalf. If an adult says don't kiss me, you don't kiss them. It's the exact same when a parent says don't kiss the baby, you don't ever do it.

Have some self control. You can see from the previous posts the damage it can have to babies and then into teenage and adulthood, is that really worth someone kissing a baby?

That’s terrible her whole attitude. Well just because it’s likely to happen one day who cares. We don’t have that attitude towards anything else.

And lots of people don’t have cold sores or have never had an outbreak which is why those of us who don’t seem to be the only buggers who take it seriously.

Like why would you want to possible infect a loved one or anyone with a life long infection they cannot get rid off. Hardly a loveable thing. I love you now have outbreaks for life possible (cackles in wicked witch)

Why would you put fingers in a baby’s mouth?! That’s grim. Stamp that out straightaway. And yes if she has cold sores no kissing - you don’t want the baby catching that.

My mother in law kissed my newborn and I don’t mind. But not with colesores and wtf with the finger in her mouth

Thank you so much for all of your points- the fingers in the mouth thing is odd- I think she puts her finger in my daughters mouth so that she will suck/chew on it and hold her hand while she does it?! I guess it’s another way she feels she can connect to her or something. But I’d really rather she didn’t!
I think I need to grow a pair and be upfront with her, but in a kind way (or rather, get DH to do it!!). I’m also going to research more on the cold sore virus- maybe eventually kisses on the back or the head are ok when she doesn’t have an outbreak. But equally I’m not sure why kissing is such a necessity for her in the first place- maybe something I can ask her about and suggest alternatives if needed.

Just tell her you don't want your child getting ill. She cannot kiss your baby.

YANBU
I cannot understand how people are so stupid about herpes- including people who have posted on this thread about their right to kiss babies
"Cold sores are caused by a virus called herpes simplex.
Most people are exposed to the virus when they're children after close skin to skin contact, such as kissing, with someone who has a cold sore.
Once you have the virus, it stays in your skin for the rest of your life. Sometimes it causes a cold sore."

How selfish- a kiss for you makes someone else have a condition for life

But it's not being silly so why say that :-S

I get cold sores and I couldn’t imagine not kissing my babies. I make a big effort not to when I have an outbreak (once maybe twice a year). YANBU to not let her when she does, but YABU when she’s not… grandparents can show the same affection we do - it’s totally normal. I would find it weird if any of my kids GPs held them at arms length.

I'd be blunt.

" Keep your herpes and your body fluids to yourself, please."

I agree with you and I’d be worried too. I think DH should suggest kissing on top of head but if she has an outbreak no kissing at all and to be mindful of blowing raspberries etc. But yes, id feel the same as you. I know id be furious if my child caught it so best to put the safeguards in place.

My mother has cold sores and refuses to accept that they can be deadly for a small child. Apparently I’ve been brainwashed. Subsequently she saw her grandchild once under supervision until he was 5yrs old.

My dsis did nearly die from HSV infection (pre-antivirals, underlying health condition), and I have the virus too. If the mother has it, then even not kissing may well not avoid infection as there is so much other close contact.

It is very different for grandparents though. If I am lucky enough to have grandchildren, I will see how my dc feel about it (given AVs) but would be careful whatever. There can be a very short gap between the tingle and the sore, and you don't know exactly when you become infectious. I'd worry about anyone who didn't recognise a risk though - even without serious consequences, there is no cure and it is an annoying thing to have, and you may not know everyone else's vulnerabilities in advance.