To think men should automatically pay on a first date if they asked you out?

[ThisSnappyNewt]

Had a date recently - he asked me out, picked the place, and at the end said “Shall we split it?” I did but it left a bad taste. I just think if you’re the one initiating the date and doing the inviting, you should offer to pay - man or woman but especially if you’re the guy. It sets a tone. AIBU to think it’s just good manners and a red flag if they don’t?

He should offer. You should insist on splitting. If he accepts that without argument then don't see him again.

He invited her??? I think it's rude of him!

I think the circumstance matter. For example, if you met them in real life versus online dating. If I meet someone in real life, and I got on a date, it means I really like them and attracted to them. If I am them online, I would keep the date low key such as a coffee shop.

I’ll remember this next time my friend asks if I want to go out for a bite to eat. I’ve been doing it wrong all these years, could have saved myself a fortune.

This place, honestly!!

I'm happy two out of three voters think OP is being unreasonable. We are many decades away from an age where it is normal for one person to be the sole breadwinner, and cost of living is at all-time highs. In 2025, judging somebody for not paying for a first date is a very entitled look; I would look down on someone who admitted they did so!

How many men have you asked out and paid for?

Christ, I thought I was a dinosaur.

Such a weird attitude, sorry.

Yes it was “transactional”… you both paid some money and got some food in return!

You’ve said the vibe was off and you probably won’t have a second date. Yet you’d be happy for him to pay for the whole thing… why? Because he has a willy?

How would you feel if he expected you to pay for the whole thing?

Jesus wept… what is the point of this little routine? Just tell him up front that you have outdated views on gender roles

I keep hearing men whine that it’s hard to get matches, blah blah, 80/20 rule, blah blah, women struggle to find love because they all share the same man, blah blah.

But actually apparently the average men on OLD is going on multiple dates per week.

I wonder which is actually true.

It's not imaginary at all. Its pretty established good manners. If one person asks on that manner, and chooses a venue for a dinner date, it's traditional for the inviter to expect to pay. The other person may offer to split, this choice may involve their politics or beliefs. That's absolutely fine. But you don't set a high budget then expect the other person to pay half. They may not be aware it's expensive and no, it isn't normal to discuss who pays beforehand or to have a convo about money (in early dating). Have you seen 'Nighty Night?'.

It's pretty gauche if you're picking somewhere fancy without discussion when you don't really know what they would like to spend, and then ask them to split.

Baby talk about 'using your words' applies to the inviter in this case. What's stopping them saying 'we could go to Le Fancy Pants, or if you prefer some thing a bit less formal, i know a nice pizzeria'. If an invitation has been made for a date, it isn't for the invitee to need to start bringing finances into it and querying who pays beforehand when the invitation is actually clear.

The inviter has got it wrong in this case.

I know dating is more casual now and a venue is more likely to me decided mutually or just drinks or coffee. Certainly men aren't liable for the whole bill. It's good manners to offer to split and means it. That's especially if not having a second date. That's not what this is about. The point is, which is what I'm saying a lot of posters are missing, this is a more old fashioned invitation. 'i am inviting you to X'. On a date, that does mean 'my treat'.

If a friend asked to meet you for lunch, would you expect them to cover the whole bill or assume you’d split it?

for those that like to pay their own way…… do you offer money when friends ask you round for dinner? Do you give money for coffee and biscuits at a friends house? Whathappns when you offer someone a lift because you’re going their way..do you feel miffed if they don’t give you petrol money?

I wouldn’t offer money if a friend asked me round for dinner, but I’d absolutely bring wine and flowers, or wine and dessert. If calling to someone for coffee, I’d bring a cake, or biscuits, or nice chocolates. I’d never turn up with my arms hanging, one as long as the other. Who would? To do so would be ‘ungenerous’, to use your word, @BarneyRonson

Probably doesn't pay on the second, third date either!

I've always split on a first date. Some men still think that if they pay, then you owe them. That's not a position I want to be in. A fancy meal would be my idea of hell for a first date, no quick exit.

Well yes, I should hope so.

I know what you mean OP. If he's taking the lead in picking the place I'd think he was going to pay even though of course if a friend suggested a place I wouldn't expect them to pay!

If a man can't afford the first date how will he afford to support you when you're on unpaid maternity leave with his child?

That is some leap. Poor guys, being weighed up on a first date to make sure they can pay for your maternity leave…

I have my own job, with my own terms and conditions around maternity. I know that can manage myself. In time I would be adding my maternity to his support but not on the first date.

@ThisSnappyNewt how experienced are you at dating?

I agree with you but maybe he wasn’t feeling it either which is why he did that.

Surely it's more transactional if the man pays for the meal? What is he expecting in return?
This keeps it nice and neutral.

This ⬆️

Why not?

Or: person A suggests a pricey place.
Person B- it's too pricey for me.
Person A - ok, where do you fancy? Or, it's ok, my treat.

No, the point is, A arranges a date, says I'm taking you to C. It wasn't 'where shall we go?'. B may not know C is expensive. It's not incumbent on B to know it's expensive if A has invited them in terms of 'id like to take you to C'. The implication is absolutely that is is A's treat.

Look, I've gone a lot of dating. Generally this isn't how it works early on. Usually a venue is agreed mutually and a split is offered or it goes well and B gets the next one or the cocktails.

However this isn't that situation. This is one person inviting another out to their choice of restaurant on a date. Therefore they should be expecting to cover the bill. Fine if B wishes to split but A absolutely shouldn't have gone into this planning to suggest it. That isn't the impression they gave.