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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think men should automatically pay on a first date if they asked you out?

447 replies

ThisSnappyNewt · 07/04/2025 13:51

Had a date recently - he asked me out, picked the place, and at the end said “Shall we split it?” I did but it left a bad taste. I just think if you’re the one initiating the date and doing the inviting, you should offer to pay - man or woman but especially if you’re the guy. It sets a tone. AIBU to think it’s just good manners and a red flag if they don’t?

OP posts:
madaboutpurple · 07/04/2025 18:40

Places are pricey. I think going for a coffee and cake is more appropriate for a first date .The reason is it is not too long if you both decide there is no future being with each other. A meal can take quite a long time.

nam3c4ang3 · 07/04/2025 19:06

This must be a wind up - you just bring 'yourself and your energy etc' and expect a free meal?! Who do you think you are?! 😂God - women dont half bang on about quality every bladdy day then we have women like you who want to shove us back in the 1950s - we cant have it both ways you know. Maybe - just MAYBE - he also felt the vibe with you was off, so he didnt want to pay, maybe he didnt feel you brought the energy etc.

hehehesorry · 07/04/2025 22:22

Going out to eat on a first date is weird, it becomes a big investment if it turns out you have no chemistry or don't like each other. Go for ice cream or to the park for a couple dates before a meal, so you know it's money well spent on either side because you like each other enough to meet again. Lots of men don't like to pay for a woman's meal now because women joke on social media about getting a free meal out of men. Also, if you're dating multiple men to see who you like rather than one man, expecting him to pay £60+ for a chance to see if he's better than the other men is a bit cuckholded.

KatyaKat · 07/04/2025 22:29

ThisSnappyNewt · 07/04/2025 15:15

Yes - I do. When someone invites you out and then shrinks back from the basic follow-through of offering to cover it, it does feel transactional. Not because I expected a free meal but because it suggested a lack of effort, interest, or follow-through.

I’m not expecting a grand gesture - just consistency between the energy of asking someone out and how you show up on the date. That’s not a wind-up. That’s a standard.

Show quote history

Maybe he was fully intending to pay IF he felt like he'd like a second date with you. But, maybe he didn't feel a spark, vibe, chemistry, whatever, so decided to suggest splitting it. You'll never know @ThisSnappyNewt

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/04/2025 22:29

GreatCyanCrab · 07/04/2025 13:58

Definitely not a red flag for me. I tend to insist on paying my own share or getting the next one. It’s weird to me that someone else should pay for me just because he has a penis?

It’s 2025 and apart from anything, life is too expensive to be buying meals for strangers.

What would you do if he picks a place out of your budget? Would you say in advance you couldn't afford it? Or would you order the cheapest thing and ask to pay what you bought for instead of splitting half half?

I think if you don't want to treat someone you're inviting out you MUST offer them a variety of options eg a walk and coffee, a drink in pub, dinner at cheap place, dinner at expensive and let them choose which one.

Suggesting only an expensive place and not treating the person is very rude whatever the context, date or friend or family

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/04/2025 22:30

ImmortalSnowman · 07/04/2025 13:58

There's a thread like this every week.

Don't agree to the date if you can't afford where you've been invited. A first date doesn't obligate anyone to pay anything other than their own way.

So many saying he's mean, well imo you're a gold digger.

Like j just asked a pp, would you say
'I can't afford that restaurant, can we do pizza express instead?'

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/04/2025 22:32

KrisAkabusi · 07/04/2025 14:01

Do you ever ask men out? And then pay the bill? Or do you expect to be the person invited every time? Because in that case you never have the expense and you're the tight person here.

I do - I choose places and activities I can afford,
Eg let's go mini golfing wanna come to the theatre etc and I get the tickets for the thing that I organize.

If a man invited me to a comedy evening and then asked me to transfer him
£15 for the ticket I would think he had friend zoned me not that he was trying to date me.

If a man can't afford the first date how will he afford to support you when you're on unpaid maternity leave with his child?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/04/2025 22:36

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 07/04/2025 14:12

When I was dating, I never went out for a second date for a woman who didn't at least offer to split the bill on the first date.

I never understood why some women feel they should be wined and dined by a man. I'm dating to find someone to share my life with, hopefully the woman is too. She's not doing me a favour by going out with me, why should I pay for her meal. I wouldn't do it for any other stranger.

Did you check in advance that you were choosing an affordable option for the date or gave her a choice of coffees or getting some food together? If so then Yanbu.

If you said 'let me take you out, let's go to x restaurant ' and you ordered steak and expensive wine for yourself while she just ate cheap pasta and one drink (this is a date I've been on!) then expected her to split half half then Yabvu

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/04/2025 22:37

@Differentstarts you say men should do the planning and asking... yes!! Women do so much mental load in relationships they need to know that the man is capable of some basic life admin to be attracted to him!

Catapultaway · 07/04/2025 22:44

ThisSnappyNewt · 07/04/2025 15:13

I can see why it might come across that way but I’ve been clear from the start: I prefer traditional dating dynamics where the man takes the lead and yes, that includes paying when he’s the one doing the asking.

I’m not pretending I’d do it differently - I’ve said I haven’t asked men out and I probably wouldn’t. That doesn’t make the principle any less valid. It’s not about getting a “free ride,” it’s about dating in a way that feels aligned with what I value and what’s worked for me in the past.

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It didn't work that well, you're still single 😂

Deepisthecanyon · 07/04/2025 22:56

“Man or woman but especially silly if you’re the guy”
And you should do all the cooking, cleaning, put out when he wants you to & let him make all the big decisions. Ok then trad wife.

Hayley1256 · 07/04/2025 23:02

All the single men I know would only want to split the bill if they didn't want a second date, they would say the full bill if they were interested.

Firefly1987 · 08/04/2025 00:16

ThisSnappyNewt · 07/04/2025 15:13

I can see why it might come across that way but I’ve been clear from the start: I prefer traditional dating dynamics where the man takes the lead and yes, that includes paying when he’s the one doing the asking.

I’m not pretending I’d do it differently - I’ve said I haven’t asked men out and I probably wouldn’t. That doesn’t make the principle any less valid. It’s not about getting a “free ride,” it’s about dating in a way that feels aligned with what I value and what’s worked for me in the past.

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How has it worked in the past if you're still single?

TruthOrNo · 08/04/2025 00:18

Firefly1987 · 08/04/2025 00:16

How has it worked in the past if you're still single?

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She single now presumably, she's have relationships before.

Have you honestly never had a relationship that hasn't worked out?

Burngreave · 08/04/2025 00:36

I’ve always split the bill. I don’t need someone to pay for me. On my first date with DH we went in rounds at the bar. I wouldn’t be impressed if a man insisted on paying - it’s so performative and cringeworthy.

Workisntworking · 08/04/2025 01:02

On a first date, he should be trying to impress you to ensure he gets another date.

No doubt you spent more time and money getting ready for the date than he did (clothes, hair, make up etc). So in total you're probably even anyway.

I understand that it's fair to pay 50:50 but I think its chivalrous if the man pays. Does he want another date or not? Besides if you've offered to pay the second time, you have segued nicely in to organising a second date.

Firefly1987 · 08/04/2025 01:19

TruthOrNo · 08/04/2025 00:18

She single now presumably, she's have relationships before.

Have you honestly never had a relationship that hasn't worked out?

Show quote history

Yeah I had a brief relationship (if you can call it that) that didn't work out, so I don't call it a successful one obviously!

Firefly1987 · 08/04/2025 01:27

@Workisntworking that's a good point actually re time and money spent getting ready for a date. Must be vast differences there between most men and women.

BlondiePortz · 08/04/2025 02:06

Why? Are be back in the 1950s

hehehesorry · 08/04/2025 02:16

Workisntworking · 08/04/2025 01:02

On a first date, he should be trying to impress you to ensure he gets another date.

No doubt you spent more time and money getting ready for the date than he did (clothes, hair, make up etc). So in total you're probably even anyway.

I understand that it's fair to pay 50:50 but I think its chivalrous if the man pays. Does he want another date or not? Besides if you've offered to pay the second time, you have segued nicely in to organising a second date.

The clothes and hair aren't exclusively for the man she's on a date with, makeup lasts 3 months unless you put it on with a trowel every day.

BoldBlueZebra · 08/04/2025 06:21

No I’d rather pay my own way then I don’t feel like I owe anything and he doesn’t think I owe him anything. And I can leave whenever I want without feeling pressured. And I can order the thing I really fancy off the menu and have cake if I want because I know I can afford it and I’m not second guessing if he can so have the chicken and no dessert

BoldBlueZebra · 08/04/2025 06:23

Reading some of the posts is disturbing- it’s like the last 60 years haven’t even happened.

BoldBlueZebra · 08/04/2025 06:25

Workisntworking · 08/04/2025 01:02

On a first date, he should be trying to impress you to ensure he gets another date.

No doubt you spent more time and money getting ready for the date than he did (clothes, hair, make up etc). So in total you're probably even anyway.

I understand that it's fair to pay 50:50 but I think its chivalrous if the man pays. Does he want another date or not? Besides if you've offered to pay the second time, you have segued nicely in to organising a second date.

Omg you don’t do hair make up and clothes for a man. You do it for you because it makes YOU feel good. This saddens me.

Elle771 · 08/04/2025 06:31

With respect... he probably just wasn't that into you, and after a meal spent with you asked to split it as he knew there wouldn't be another

Lavenderflower · 08/04/2025 06:32

I think there are variables. I have always offered to pay. I will insist in paying if I don't like the person and don't want see the person. I think when a man lets you pay it a sign he not interested in you.