To think men should automatically pay on a first date if they asked you out?

[ThisSnappyNewt]

Had a date recently - he asked me out, picked the place, and at the end said “Shall we split it?” I did but it left a bad taste. I just think if you’re the one initiating the date and doing the inviting, you should offer to pay - man or woman but especially if you’re the guy. It sets a tone. AIBU to think it’s just good manners and a red flag if they don’t?

Whatever. I'm glad my dating days are over!

Being unwilling to pay for a first date does not mean being unable to. Measuring the financial capacity of a man on whether he pays for a first date is what fools do.

Not a man/woman thing: whoever issues the invite ought to pay.

It’s a man / woman thing because as this thread has shown, many women wouldn’t ever invite a man on a date - because that’s also his job - thereby handily ensuring they also never have to pay for one.

If you were the one who always invited a friend out, and they therefore thought you “ought to” pay every time, you’d get pretty narked? You’d say “look here, I’m always doing the inviting - you need to do your share because I’m sick of paying all the time.”

Not sure that analogy works… presumably there’s no potential for intimacy with a friend…? Offering to pay, and/or accepting someone’s offer to pay is a romantic gesture that CAN signify feelings so why the hell not?!

Also, while this was originally asked in the context of a man paying for a woman on a date, framing this in terms of a dynamic between a man and a woman (and a women’s fight for equality) I think is reductive… or would your response be different on a same sex date?

The other thing is that when two people are chatting on a dating site (I cant actually remember now whether OP said it was online dating) you are both chatting getting to know each other on the basis that you will eventually go on a date. So it will be a case of someone eventually saying right let's actually meet etc etc. Its part of the chat so it's not so much a formal invitation to be taken out, like dating of days gone by.

Whenever I invite female friends out (I’m a married, heterosexual woman) to theatre, whatever, I always pay for the tickets 🤷‍♂️

Can any gay women on here tell us what happens when they're dating someone new?

I have no idea how but I am sure men will be made to pay anyway, next we will be told they need to pull put a 'ladies' chair and buy a corsage

I'd only ever go fir a coffee date for first date...if he expected me to split the cost of that I'd bin him

I'd never go for a meal on a first date as expectations are too high

There wouldn't be a second date. I don't even pay when I go for food with male friends

My DH would not be happy about that!

How often are male friends taking you out and buying you dinner? Jealous lol

Why what mskes you so important ?

Not very often if they have any sense .

Is there a good reason that men are expected to pay beyond 'he asked me out' which is also his job to do to get a date in the first place and risk a brutal rejection.

Equality was always a sham.

I’d think it was a red flag if I was a guy and the woman expected me to pay tbh.

And yet social expectation is for the man to do the approaching and inviting on the date so….

That seems to be a cultural thing. I know when I have gone to eat with male friends / acquaintances of certain backgrounds they have been perplexed at me / the other women there who attempt to pay.

Seems to just be a tradition. Some people like it some don’t. But for some reason people cannot just stick to dating people whose ideals align with their own!

What is true is there is a small cohort of men that the bulk of women will find attractive, and there is also a small cohort of women that the bulk of men will find attractive. Women make peace with the fact that they might not be every man’s number one choice- whereas certain men get pissy that Liz Hurley doesn’t think they’re a catch.

Whenever I’ve dated women, it’s been 50/50 - one of you suggests meeting, you agree a bar, you take turns on the drinks rounds, or go 50/50 on the dinner, or have already intimated before the bill comes that you’re going to see each other again so the person who doesn’t pay this time pays the next time. There’s none of this odd expectation of a chase for a prize which men have to lead, and because being gay itself falls outside of conventional societal social conditioning, most gay women don’t have any adherence to roles where one party has to “take the lead” or “treat” the other in order to show interest. I’ve known butches who date “high femmes” where there’s an expectation that traditional gender roles are replicated who, just like many men, also get a bit fed up sometimes that that equates to them doing all the leg work of inviting and paying.

Most men swipe right on most women. Most women will swipe left on most men.

That's where all the 80/20 stuff stems from.

I know that, but realistically those men then don’t chat or engage with most of the women they match with. They use a different tactic, in that they get the match and then make the decision. But in reality they dont want to interact with most of the women they match with.

Some women are actively fighting for inequality.
Don't moan when you get it.

Agreed. If someone is trying to "woo" you then they need to do the "wooing" an established relationship is different.