Page 7 | To think men should automatically pay on a first date if they asked you out?

User19876536484 · 07/04/2025 16:35

Rickrolypoly · 07/04/2025 14:26

Quite easily.

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If it’s that easy, please explain how it works. Surely, one party is always going to have to ask first.

Chunkilumptious · 07/04/2025 16:38

People always miss the point on these threads. It's not about sex. Could be same sex.

If person A invites person B to pricey place C, on a first or early date, person A should pay. It's the etiquette.

If person A wishes or expects to split the bill, it is good manners to give a choice of venues (I suppose unless they know for sure that money is no object for B. That doesn't just mean knowing they have a good job).

The issue with going against this expectation is that person A is making it awkward and transactional. If B is unsure about the cost, they then have to bring it up which is awkward. That brings money into the relationship too early. That's Why it's expected A will pay in this situation. B can always choose and pay for the next one.

User135644 · 07/04/2025 16:40

ThisSnappyNewt · 07/04/2025 13:51

Had a date recently - he asked me out, picked the place, and at the end said “Shall we split it?” I did but it left a bad taste. I just think if you’re the one initiating the date and doing the inviting, you should offer to pay - man or woman but especially if you’re the guy. It sets a tone. AIBU to think it’s just good manners and a red flag if they don’t?

The principle is fine, but if men don't ask a woman out they'd never get a date though.

How many men have you asked out for a first date?

Rickrolypoly · 07/04/2025 16:41

User19876536484 · 07/04/2025 16:35

If it’s that easy, please explain how it works. Surely, one party is always going to have to ask first.

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You really need this explained to you? Have you not been around humans before? Have you never been invited to an event?

Arlanymor · 07/04/2025 16:42

Chunkilumptious · 07/04/2025 16:38

People always miss the point on these threads. It's not about sex. Could be same sex.

If person A invites person B to pricey place C, on a first or early date, person A should pay. It's the etiquette.

If person A wishes or expects to split the bill, it is good manners to give a choice of venues (I suppose unless they know for sure that money is no object for B. That doesn't just mean knowing they have a good job).

The issue with going against this expectation is that person A is making it awkward and transactional. If B is unsure about the cost, they then have to bring it up which is awkward. That brings money into the relationship too early. That's Why it's expected A will pay in this situation. B can always choose and pay for the next one.

Unless there isn't a next one, then A is out of pocket.

I think the point is - use your voice - if someone asks you out for a meal and if you are a cheapskate traditionalist then just ask ahead of time who is expected to pay. This whole thread is banging on about the imaginary etiquette of chivalry... so conversely, if you are expecting someone else to pay for your food then surely the polite thing to do is to enquire as to that point beforehand?

x2boys · 07/04/2025 16:52

Chunkilumptious · 07/04/2025 16:38

People always miss the point on these threads. It's not about sex. Could be same sex.

If person A invites person B to pricey place C, on a first or early date, person A should pay. It's the etiquette.

If person A wishes or expects to split the bill, it is good manners to give a choice of venues (I suppose unless they know for sure that money is no object for B. That doesn't just mean knowing they have a good job).

The issue with going against this expectation is that person A is making it awkward and transactional. If B is unsure about the cost, they then have to bring it up which is awkward. That brings money into the relationship too early. That's Why it's expected A will pay in this situation. B can always choose and pay for the next one.

Well the op did specifically say when a man ask ,s a women out
But yes i am curious about people who think a man should always pay on first dste feel aout who shoud pay of it was a same sex dste .

KnewYearKnewMe · 07/04/2025 16:53

OP - you’ve used the word ‘intentionality’ about 5000 times on this post, give or take!!

I challenge you to describe what ‘it showed’ without using any currently fashionable words please 😎

ClearHoldBuild · 07/04/2025 17:04

So in a month you go on 10 first dates and batchelor no1 goes on 10 first dates. At the end of the month you have been treated to 10 dinners and yet batchelor no.1 now can’t pay his rent.
If you’re actively dating you should offer to pay your way.

Chiseltip · 07/04/2025 17:13

Init4thecatz · 07/04/2025 16:21

Despite a seemingly equal society these days, not many women I know would actively pursue a guy, and subsequently ask him out. It's sadly still seen as desperate, and even 'cringe' if the woman has to take the lead/initiative, I.e. it is often implied that these are traits of a weak subordinate man.

But that's the problem... if it is still true that a disproportionately lower number of women actually asks men out (still), then that automatically puts it in the OP's implication that the man should pay, as he will invariably be the one to ask out (first).

It should be 50:50 regardless.

But Social Media has given an entire generation of men the message that they must never approach a woman, let alone ask her out.

Not sure how this double standard will play out over the next few years.

GreatCyanCrab · 07/04/2025 17:19

Rickrolypoly · 07/04/2025 14:26

Quite easily.

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Especially if it’s online dating, the whole premise of the apps is to date and find relationships.

I was wondering how the OP had met this man in the first place.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 07/04/2025 17:23

Chiseltip · 07/04/2025 17:13

But Social Media has given an entire generation of men the message that they must never approach a woman, let alone ask her out.

Not sure how this double standard will play out over the next few years.

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Are you kidding? Everyone I know who's on a dating site said that men expect women to come round to their houses for sex for a first date. They are not wary or shy at all!

FinishLast · 07/04/2025 17:35

Nope, I like my independence and would hate to feel indebted to anyone. I pay my way.

User135644 · 07/04/2025 17:40

Init4thecatz · 07/04/2025 16:21

Despite a seemingly equal society these days, not many women I know would actively pursue a guy, and subsequently ask him out. It's sadly still seen as desperate, and even 'cringe' if the woman has to take the lead/initiative, I.e. it is often implied that these are traits of a weak subordinate man.

But that's the problem... if it is still true that a disproportionately lower number of women actually asks men out (still), then that automatically puts it in the OP's implication that the man should pay, as he will invariably be the one to ask out (first).

It should be 50:50 regardless.

Few women will ask men out on a date, so the onus is on men to take the plunge and ask. It's a bit of a cop out, generally, to say 'well he asked so he should pay', when men will have to do the asking.

JenniferBooth · 07/04/2025 17:40

MounjaroOnMyMind · 07/04/2025 17:23

Are you kidding? Everyone I know who's on a dating site said that men expect women to come round to their houses for sex for a first date. They are not wary or shy at all!

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https://www.thefp.com/p/loveless-sex-is-not-empowering

What Sexual Liberation Really Looks Like

Hookup culture benefits men at the expense of women.

https://www.thefp.com/p/loveless-sex-is-not-empowering

Randomer27 · 07/04/2025 17:46

ThisSnappyNewt · 07/04/2025 15:15

Yes - I do. When someone invites you out and then shrinks back from the basic follow-through of offering to cover it, it does feel transactional. Not because I expected a free meal but because it suggested a lack of effort, interest, or follow-through.

I’m not expecting a grand gesture - just consistency between the energy of asking someone out and how you show up on the date. That’s not a wind-up. That’s a standard.

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I’m just curious, in situations where he has paid, and then you suggest going on for cocktails, have you paid for the cocktails?

I don’t want to be beholden to anyone so prefer to split from the start. The men who are eager to pay, in my experience, feel they are renting you.

Cosyblankets · 07/04/2025 17:57

MounjaroOnMyMind · 07/04/2025 17:23

Are you kidding? Everyone I know who's on a dating site said that men expect women to come round to their houses for sex for a first date. They are not wary or shy at all!

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Not my experience at all.
It's not hard to weed this out at the swipe stage

BarneyRonson · 07/04/2025 18:02

I’m not a fan of ungenerous people. If you ask me out and you want me to pay, you better make it clear you aren’t willing to buy me a meal. I’ll think about it. ( not for long)

for those that like to pay their own way…… do you offer money when friends ask you round for dinner? Do you give money for coffee and biscuits at a friends house? Whathappns when you offer someone a lift because you’re going their way..do you feel miffed if they don’t give you petrol money?

if you don’t feel the impulse to treat me to a nice meal, don’t ask me out for a nice meal. If I want to buy myself a nice meal I’m not gonna do it with a bloke I’m unsure about. I’ll go with a trusted pal I can Have a definite good time with.

susiedaisy1912 · 07/04/2025 18:05

Yes, if he invited you out and chose the restaurant he should have at least offered to pay for you even if you’d then insisted on paying for yourself. If I invited a man out on a date and chose the location it would be for a coffee first to see if we gel and yes I would pay for both of us

BusyGreenFinch · 07/04/2025 18:18

It's been decades since I went on a first date, but I think it was always a case of paying your own way when eating with a friend as equals and paying (or being paid for) when you wanted to spoil someone, e.g. friend's birthday, etc.

I wouldn't call it a red flag, but I would assume a man who did that didn't see me as a serious relationship potential and didn't consider our meal to be a real date where he wanted to make a good first impression. And I wouldn't give him any further thought romantically.

If that means I'm out of touch with modern dating, it's just as well I'm long married.

bettydavieseyes · 07/04/2025 18:24

Arlanymor · 07/04/2025 16:42

Unless there isn't a next one, then A is out of pocket.

I think the point is - use your voice - if someone asks you out for a meal and if you are a cheapskate traditionalist then just ask ahead of time who is expected to pay. This whole thread is banging on about the imaginary etiquette of chivalry... so conversely, if you are expecting someone else to pay for your food then surely the polite thing to do is to enquire as to that point beforehand?

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Out of pocket...wow. they took the risk, they took someone out. They thought it was worth that chance.

mewkins · 07/04/2025 18:26

I think that first dates in a restaurant are fraught with issues so I'd stick to just drinks and buy rounds.

BodyKeepingScore · 07/04/2025 18:29

I have no real issue with going 50/50 on dates, in fact I’m much more comfortable with it than when a man offered to pay for me.
I would however expect either to take turns choosing venue/activity or to discuss it together before making a decision on where to go.

RH1234 · 07/04/2025 18:32

Back when I was single and dating. I would always go with the intention of paying for the first date, but it told me a lot if the person I was dating offered to split it or if they expected it.

Arlanymor · 07/04/2025 18:35

bettydavieseyes · 07/04/2025 18:24

Out of pocket...wow. they took the risk, they took someone out. They thought it was worth that chance.

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My comment, as you well know, was in response to the PP who said that the other person would pay the next time, insinuating that 50/50 was not required because of that fact and I was pointing out the fallacy of that argument because there was no guarantee of a second date.

But you and I are on different sides of the fence here anyway. I pay my way. The risk is on both sides and it can’t be calculated monetarily.

Philandbill · 07/04/2025 18:37

YABU. Twenty five years since my last first date (DH was a keeper 😃) but I've always paid my way.