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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think men should automatically pay on a first date if they asked you out?

447 replies

ThisSnappyNewt · 07/04/2025 13:51

Had a date recently - he asked me out, picked the place, and at the end said “Shall we split it?” I did but it left a bad taste. I just think if you’re the one initiating the date and doing the inviting, you should offer to pay - man or woman but especially if you’re the guy. It sets a tone. AIBU to think it’s just good manners and a red flag if they don’t?

OP posts:
x2boys · 08/04/2025 18:46

JenniferBooth · 08/04/2025 18:34

Really? Oh how strange. Cos on the threads about domestic abuse they had no idea what he was like on the first date cos he was on best behaviour yet you can accurately predict what a man is like on the first date to the point that he would definately split housework and chidcare

Show quote history

Sorry that was a typo i meant to write cant.

x2boys · 08/04/2025 18:49

JenniferBooth · 08/04/2025 18:48

Show quote history

Two weeks it was when i had my boys

asrl78 · 08/04/2025 18:57

HoskinsChoice · 07/04/2025 13:59

The 1970's would like this post back!

FFS, women battled for equality for years, sometimes giving their lives for it and now here we are finally getting something towards equality... but some women still want men to pay. It's embarrassing.

Some people want selective equality, equality of the good bits not the bad bits.

From my very limited experience of dating, I would always offer to pay but accept if the woman preferred to split the bill.

LaughingCat · 08/04/2025 19:10

I think the numbers sum it up perfectly - twice as many people think you’re being unreasonable for expecting the asker to pick up the tab than reasonable. If the person asking me tried to pick up the full tab at the end of a first date, I would actually feel like I was beholden to them in some uncomfortable way. I’d rather just split it down the middle like adults until you get to know each other better, and want to treat that person a bit. Like you say - different people have different values. Trying to pay for everything would give me the ick - I’m not some pampered princess and I bring my own money to the table.

Sugarplumlollipop · 08/04/2025 19:10

There wouldn't be a second date if that was me. This is the time where they are supposed to impress you. If he can't afford it, he shouldn't have suggested it.

laraitopbanana · 08/04/2025 19:29

Well…depend what you want. Depend if he pays at the second or third?

Winifredtabago · 08/04/2025 19:41

Sugarplumlollipop · 08/04/2025 19:10

There wouldn't be a second date if that was me. This is the time where they are supposed to impress you. If he can't afford it, he shouldn't have suggested it.

So its about impressing financially to you then? For me I'd be more impressed by a man who dressed nicely, smelt nice, was enthusiastic, positive, interested in what I had to say, had interests to talk about, good morals etc. I wouldn't be impressed just because he got his wallet out. But then I am myself financially secure and independent.

Trishyb10 · 08/04/2025 20:30

Show the guy you are a strong independent woman and pay your way

Firefly1987 · 08/04/2025 20:32

snughugs · 08/04/2025 18:25

It’s pretty grim when they don’t give a toss about impressing you after you’ve got all dressed up. I’d rather stay at home watching the Crime Channel than date Mr “You woman wanted equality!”. Impressing someone is not equality, besides notice these 50/50 men would be quite happy to move in with me and just pay towards the bills and do minimal house work. I’ve got to the point I’m just going to ask “Is it your treat? Are you buying” before even getting ready. If they turn me down, I’m happy with a rum and coke in front of the TV. I refuse to date a dusty. I’m financially well off and don’t want to date someone poor or stingy. Notice insist on paying they’ll accept that’s not 50/50. These men are not feminists, usually the opposite.

Not surprised you're financially well off if you've never had to pay for a meal out.

BatchCookBabe · 08/04/2025 20:43

Biffbaff · 08/04/2025 17:57

Nope, it's absolutely pathetic in my opinion to expect the man to pay. And tbh I just think it's grabby and makes the person going on the date sound like a freeloading tart.

What a really unpleasant, toxic, misoginistic post. Hmm

Sugarplumlollipop · 08/04/2025 20:56

Winifredtabago · 08/04/2025 19:41

So its about impressing financially to you then? For me I'd be more impressed by a man who dressed nicely, smelt nice, was enthusiastic, positive, interested in what I had to say, had interests to talk about, good morals etc. I wouldn't be impressed just because he got his wallet out. But then I am myself financially secure and independent.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes of course that too. I'm there to get to know them. But I also like a man who can show they can "protect and provide" and so paying for the date would make me feel looked after which is what I like in finding in a partner :)
The offer of paying would make me feel more special than splitting it and for a first date, I think this is a nice gesture. Say we have gone for a meal and he paid, I would then to offer to go for some drinks and pay my bit then. It's the offer of them wanting to do it and I see that as being gentlemanly - but then again I think I have quite traditional values.

BatchCookBabe · 08/04/2025 21:03

@JenniferBooth

The fact is that men arent as ready to step up when its housework and childcare and some of them will be the men expecting 50/50 when it comes to paying on dates. We have got women paying for all of their own maternity leave FFS just to prove they are not a "gold digger" Upthread someone even referred to it as YOUR maternity leave when talking to another poster and THEY are the ones who put YOUR in capitals. Women are wising up to it though and its one of the reasons the birth rate is falling.

This! ^

@lala66

Because men only want equality when it comes to finances! any other time in day to day relationships, they are more than happy for the women to pick up the slack.

Exactly this. I am honestly disgusted by some of the anti-women posts on here, feeling sorry for da poor iccle menz, who are expected by some women to pay on a first date. As has been said, why the fuck shouldn't they? They have every advantage in life over women. Even from childbirth, the man can naff off to the pub within half an hour - the bloody woman can't! She is always left with the baby! And of course most men EARN more than women! (Cue the women claiming they earn 3 X what their partner earns! 🙄 Well most women earn LESS than their man!)

And the lion's share of the childcare, housework, mental load, emotional load, and general domestic drudgery falls to the woman. EVEN WHEN SHE HAS A JOB TOO. Despite the posts on here from some women claiming they and their man split everything 50-50. (Yeah right! 🙄)

So yeah as has been said, these 'split the bill' men DO only believe in equality when it comes to women paying for their share on dates, and towards bills etc.

Some men even expect the mother of their child(ren) to pay for stuff for their children out of their maternity pay, (or their wages that are nearly always lower than the man's as I said, and are often even lower once babies come along, as some women will go part time, because of the horrific costs of childcare.) Some men will share as little as possible of their money, to help support the baby HE helped create. (And some men even expect the childcare costs to come out of the woman's money too!!!!)

Is it any wonder that some women will ditch a man who CBA to put his hand in his pocket and pay for her on the first date? If he can't step up then, what hope is there when you marry him and have babies? He's showing who you is - a tight fisted miserly arsehole - believe him! The split the bill men never make good husbands, or good fathers IMO and IME.

And has @JenniferBooth said, many women are wising up to the fact that misogyny is still very much alive and kicking, and men will never treat them as an equal, and are are choosing to not have babies. Despite this 'it's 2025 not the 1950s' drivel people keep spouting, it may as fucking well be. Women are NOT equal to men, and never will be as long as they're having the babies!

And a man who wants you to pay for yourself on dates/pay your own bills etc, is NOT doing it because he believes in equal rights, and because he respects you and thinks of you as equal to him. You're hilariously deluded if you think this!!!

Dynababy · 08/04/2025 21:19

Such and old fashioned view. It’s 2025 and women work and earn and have our independence. Why expect men to pay in these circumstances. Just weird

AKM89 · 08/04/2025 21:23

orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 07/04/2025 15:30

It's nothing whatsoever to do with being a grown woman, or a grown man. It's about the fact that he asked her out, and chose the venue. He is her host and should be paying. Same applies if she asked him out.

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This is not a logical position. One of the other mums at my kid’s school has invited me to dinner and chosen the venue. I’m certainly not expecting her to pick up the tab because she invited me or is the “host”.

The counterpoint (and pre-empting the responses I will get) is that isn’t expected or the “done thing” in groups of friends, of course. But clearly given the replies here, it’s not unanimously expected in dates, so that argument wouldn’t hold up either…

lala66 · 08/04/2025 21:24

Dynababy · 08/04/2025 21:19

Such and old fashioned view. It’s 2025 and women work and earn and have our independence. Why expect men to pay in these circumstances. Just weird

You can still allow a man to buy you dinner AND be independent. Being independent is working, supporting yourself, having your own home. You can still have all these things and still let a man hold the door open, or carry a heavy bag occasionally. It's called being chivalrous and women shouldn't be penalised for expecting it from an potential partner.

Firefly1987 · 08/04/2025 21:34

@lala66 you're not supporting yourself if you can't even/don't want to pay for dinner.

Winifredtabago · 08/04/2025 21:36

BatchCookBabe · 08/04/2025 21:03

@JenniferBooth

The fact is that men arent as ready to step up when its housework and childcare and some of them will be the men expecting 50/50 when it comes to paying on dates. We have got women paying for all of their own maternity leave FFS just to prove they are not a "gold digger" Upthread someone even referred to it as YOUR maternity leave when talking to another poster and THEY are the ones who put YOUR in capitals. Women are wising up to it though and its one of the reasons the birth rate is falling.

This! ^

@lala66

Because men only want equality when it comes to finances! any other time in day to day relationships, they are more than happy for the women to pick up the slack.

Exactly this. I am honestly disgusted by some of the anti-women posts on here, feeling sorry for da poor iccle menz, who are expected by some women to pay on a first date. As has been said, why the fuck shouldn't they? They have every advantage in life over women. Even from childbirth, the man can naff off to the pub within half an hour - the bloody woman can't! She is always left with the baby! And of course most men EARN more than women! (Cue the women claiming they earn 3 X what their partner earns! 🙄 Well most women earn LESS than their man!)

And the lion's share of the childcare, housework, mental load, emotional load, and general domestic drudgery falls to the woman. EVEN WHEN SHE HAS A JOB TOO. Despite the posts on here from some women claiming they and their man split everything 50-50. (Yeah right! 🙄)

So yeah as has been said, these 'split the bill' men DO only believe in equality when it comes to women paying for their share on dates, and towards bills etc.

Some men even expect the mother of their child(ren) to pay for stuff for their children out of their maternity pay, (or their wages that are nearly always lower than the man's as I said, and are often even lower once babies come along, as some women will go part time, because of the horrific costs of childcare.) Some men will share as little as possible of their money, to help support the baby HE helped create. (And some men even expect the childcare costs to come out of the woman's money too!!!!)

Is it any wonder that some women will ditch a man who CBA to put his hand in his pocket and pay for her on the first date? If he can't step up then, what hope is there when you marry him and have babies? He's showing who you is - a tight fisted miserly arsehole - believe him! The split the bill men never make good husbands, or good fathers IMO and IME.

And has @JenniferBooth said, many women are wising up to the fact that misogyny is still very much alive and kicking, and men will never treat them as an equal, and are are choosing to not have babies. Despite this 'it's 2025 not the 1950s' drivel people keep spouting, it may as fucking well be. Women are NOT equal to men, and never will be as long as they're having the babies!

And a man who wants you to pay for yourself on dates/pay your own bills etc, is NOT doing it because he believes in equal rights, and because he respects you and thinks of you as equal to him. You're hilariously deluded if you think this!!!

Edited

Well given that you obviously loathe men I dont think you will be going on any dates with any men so just calm yourself and let the women who are actually dating do what they want to do with the bill.

Biffbaff · 08/04/2025 21:38

This reply has been deleted

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Winifredtabago · 08/04/2025 21:39

Sugarplumlollipop · 08/04/2025 20:56

Yes of course that too. I'm there to get to know them. But I also like a man who can show they can "protect and provide" and so paying for the date would make me feel looked after which is what I like in finding in a partner :)
The offer of paying would make me feel more special than splitting it and for a first date, I think this is a nice gesture. Say we have gone for a meal and he paid, I would then to offer to go for some drinks and pay my bit then. It's the offer of them wanting to do it and I see that as being gentlemanly - but then again I think I have quite traditional values.

Show quote history

Yes I think maybe the ideal is that he offers to pay, you offer to split and then whoever manages to be more convincing gets their way. The whole "I insist" "no, I insist" thing. Then both parties know the offer was there.

lala66 · 08/04/2025 21:45

Firefly1987 · 08/04/2025 21:34

@lala66 you're not supporting yourself if you can't even/don't want to pay for dinner.

Well clearly I can pay for dinner. How have I fed myself all these years?! I'm saying if a man has asked you out, taken you out he should be paying. Otherwise it's not a date.

JenniferBooth · 08/04/2025 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You do realize that Adolescence wasnt a manual right
Your cheap skanks comment tells me that you think it was,

lala66 · 08/04/2025 21:48

This reply has been deleted

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It's actually funny how you're defending cheap men. I also guarantee that most men would happily, joyously, graciously pay for dinner if they thought they'd get laid at the end of the night.

Trashpalace · 08/04/2025 21:50

Dynababy · 08/04/2025 21:19

Such and old fashioned view. It’s 2025 and women work and earn and have our independence. Why expect men to pay in these circumstances. Just weird

It's 2025 and women are at significantly higher risk of being raped/ sexual assulted/murdered by a man who asks them out on a date.

Paying for a woman's dinner as a gesture of appreciation for the fact she is potentially risking her life to have a date with a him goes some small way towards acknowleging the vast inequalities that still exist in intimate relationships between men and women in 2025.

Biffbaff · 08/04/2025 21:51

lala66 · 08/04/2025 21:48

It's actually funny how you're defending cheap men. I also guarantee that most men would happily, joyously, graciously pay for dinner if they thought they'd get laid at the end of the night.

Show quote history

That's the problem, isn't it. Have some self-respect and pay for your own. If you're only getting dressed up for a free dinner you don't exactly have the moral highground.

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