Paying for own birthday meal

[butterfly172]

So it’s my fiancé’s birthday tomorrow. His 3 adult children don’t pay anything towards birthday dinner, instead he pays for it…I’m paying for it tomorrow as I refuse to let him pay for his own birthday meal, he does it every year. It gives me the hump that he pays for everyone to eat on his birthday (his youngest child is 22), am I being silly or is my thought process valid?

I hope you’re not paying for his adult dc, OP?

No, I’m not.

I’m 13 years older than his eldest.

People's negative responses are not about being selfish takers at all. They're having a negative response to a woman trying to insert herself into the dynamic between a dad and his children. She's got no right to try cause problems in their relationship.

I said my opinion. You said yours. Why are you trying to force yours down my throat. She didn't sound like she was trying to cause problems, instead came for some advice and help. No?

Hold your horses, OP hasn’t said anything to her fiancé and has taken feedback on board from this thread.

So let’s not jump immediately into ‘Bash the step-mother’ mode.

I felt so grown up when I first took my parents out to dinner. Those who never have, try it some time, it was fun. We were in a town they didn't know for an extended family wedding, I'd been before as my uni flatmates had settled there. I was able to book somewhere really nice, with an amazing view, great reputation, and is was fab to repay their hospitality.

We usually split the bill with friends but with family someone covers all of it. Usually my Dad if my sibling is there, sibling is a bit cash strapped and I think it's easier to let dad pay than me. But it is nice to treat the parents / in laws sometimes even if it isn't strictly half. Taking a turn sometimes or getting the drinks in if you can afford it just shows appreciation / that you are not taking advantage.

As for the step thing, my husbands mum got a new partner after we were already married. We use his name. Dad is his dad, stepdad is the guy who married his mum and lived with him and his mum had more kids with. The next guy is mums partner / his own name. The jobs of dad and stepdad were already filled! Will still include him in lunch with his partner though, obviously!

Good.

Why is the 29yo living at home? Is he saving for a deposit or just spending all his money?

What are the financial arrangements for living together?

Because you're calling the other posters selfish takers. That's not what this is about.

You've edited your post. No I don't think she wanted "help" I think she wanted validation that saying something to them all (interfering) was a good idea

I’m 36 with 2 kids. My parents still insist on paying for everything when we all go out for a meal, no matter what the occasion. They’re loaded, had the benefit of cheaper houses and great pay and lower cost of living so are all set for a wonderful retirement. They won’t see me pay for anything either them and I’ve been having the argument for 16 years so have just given up. If they split/one passes away and a new partner comes on the scene and starts giving out to me for not paying then I’d only see my parent without the partner.
Your partner has decided how he wants to do it, so let him. They’re not using him or forcing him, are they? This is what he wants. But out.

oh, I’m 9 years younger than my boyfriend and I certainly don’t walk into his life and try and change how he is with his family when he is in his 40s. Yours must be into his 50s. I think he knows how he wants to do things at that point.

He’s moving out in 2 years as we’re going to be getting our own home then. I contribute to the household via rent and chores. The kids contribute as determined by their dad.

No, I have no intention of saying anything to them at all.

Yes it seems a lot more than footing the bill on his birthday, which he is happy about and chooses to do. There’s tension and snarkiness in some of OP’s responses which don’t bode well for an imminent wedding.

Rather than trying to bring his relationship down to the level you had with your father, be happy he adores his kids and still wants to treat them. He would surely say to them, oi you lot treat your old dad, if he had issues with it. And yes they could offer but if it’s what they're used to it probably isn’t on their radar, my kids would never ‘treat’ their dad because he always foots the bill, he can more than afford it and it would be ‘weird’, but working eldest does offer for me when we are out (I decline).

lol and you describe it as “his children live with us”.

It wouldn't matter to me.

I'd just be happy to have family celebrate with me

On my 40th I paid for party and buffet for friends and family. The fact I footed the bill never crossed my mind.

Are you happy in your relationship? Because you really don't seem it. All of your replies are practically dripping with misery.

If you read the thread you can see I’ve seen the error of my wording.

Unless it's a hosting sort of situation or big celebration organised by them, I'd never dream of letting one of my parents pay for me on their own birthday!
It wouldn't stop them from insisting on paying anyway, as they do feel weird (my dad especially) letting me pay. But I'm surprised his kids don't at least offer?
If he insists on paying though, then let him - maybe he's happy to?
And it's still lovely of you to pay for him as his treat!

Well she isn’t married so by definition she isn’t a step parent.

I will be next month.

Exactly. The idea of my mum paying for all of us on her birthday is embarrassing. It feels lovely to treat my mum on her birthday.

Really? I didn’t realise it appears like that.

My DH would not dream of making our adult DDs pay for a meal out even if it was his birthday. He loves to treat them. They work hard but don't have loads of money. We are in a better financial position and can afford to pay for them.

Blimey so much to unpick.

@butterfly172 don't let this be your hill to die on.

Your DP probably enjoys taking the people he loves the most in the world and buying dinner for them.

My parents did this a lot for me and my siblings in our 20s - which is when we were most skint and we really appreciated it.

Pay and do it in good grace or let him pay.

Sounds like you have a longer term plan. It must have been hard to move into an already established household of 4 men, unfortunately, this probably won't change until you live in a different property

Sure, but your wording and huffiness is saying a lot about the dynamic between everyone.