Paying for own birthday meal

[butterfly172]

So it’s my fiancé’s birthday tomorrow. His 3 adult children don’t pay anything towards birthday dinner, instead he pays for it…I’m paying for it tomorrow as I refuse to let him pay for his own birthday meal, he does it every year. It gives me the hump that he pays for everyone to eat on his birthday (his youngest child is 22), am I being silly or is my thought process valid?

I’m in my 40s and my Dad still doesn’t let me pay when we go for a meal - I’ve finally gotten him to let me buy my own drinks and shout him a drink.

What I always do though is offer to pay each time, I think that’s the polite thing to do.

This. Please have some conversations before the wedding. For your own sake.

It's apparently a take away ! not a meal out in a restaurant !

so they are all eating in, probably as usual, it just means someone is not cooking !

The Op has much much bigger problems / issues than who is paying for a take away !!!

If the boyfriend drops dead tomorrow, she will be homeless as she has no rights to live in the family home.

The Op didn't have her own property when she met the boyfriend as she shared a rental with a friend.

The Op has moved into the family home, apparently the adult children still live there, why didn't they live with their mother ?
Children from a divorce usually live with the mother, she is still alive ? I guess as the Op has said the boyfriend is divorced and not widowed.

If this was the original family home and the children's mother lived in it once, where is her share of it from the divorce ?
Did he pay the x wife her share, hence the fact that the house is still mortgaged ?

Or, does the x wife still have monies to come from the sale of the former marital home...

Why is the Op paying rent to him ? is it towards his mortgage.

or is she actually paying as a lodger - thus no legal rights...

My DC’s are in their 20’s and 30’s and DH and I still pay for meals, days out and holidays with them.
They have mortgages and life is expensive now, so I see it as sharing my money with them whilst I’m still alive to enjoy it. All of my friends do exactly the same; despite being wicked old boomers.

Lovely if the adult kids offer but no problem if they don’t. He’ll just want to celebrate with them.

My dad paid for his birthday meal, he insisted! It’s far from unusual

Did he say that when you moved in, 18 months ago? Or just now?

Assuming at aged 52 and with a 29 year old, he could be 23 years into a 25 year mortgage term? So the two year thing could be when he is mortgage free?

Very good questions.

OP, this is the sort of thing you need to discuss with DP, as an equal.

Just because you come into this relationship with no property or assets of your own, it does not mean you are not his equal.
Be careful that he does not treat you as a 'dependent', an old-fashioned type of wife who never concerns herself with the money. And don't let yourself take this attitude either. He should not be a father-figure to you who houses you and pays for you whilst you have no involvement.

It is good that the plan is to get your own place together, as equals.

Now have a discussion in detail about how this will be funded, about wills, and about whether his half of the new place will go to his DC or just to you when he dies.

My heart goes out to you, @butterfly172. You have had a hard time on this thread and taken on board what people have said, even when they haven't said it nicely. I think you are a bit younger than me and moved into a home of 4 adults. That's got to be tough. You seem unsure of yourself and I think I would be too in your position. It is not unreasonable to assume the dad will always put his children first, so I think it is wise to discuss with him your joint financial situation and think about your personal one and looking after yourself too.

If he changed his mind and refused to move after the marriage, OP could just divorce and move back into rented accommodation.
She comes with no assets or property, so would not be totally screwed at all.

She would just be back where she started (apart from moving costs, wedding costs, and a huge heartache of course).

I think some people have been very harsh.

Could you say to the kids, "I've been thinking, why don't we all split the restaurant bill, to give your dad a treat?"

Regarding your future finances, I'd make sure that I overpaid my pension and kept my own savings, too. It's natural that he will want to leave something to his children, but you have to think of yourself, too.

“when my adult DC say "let's go out for dinner on mum's birthday" they usually pay between them.”

This! What’s wrong with this?!

Yep! Great idea!

i can’t think of any young adult who would be affronted by this

@butterfly172

To put it into perspective when someone i knew very well, and knew my kids very well, proposed himself as a potential relationship, even if ultimately we planned to take things slow, I was discussing these things on a second date.

I liked/cared about him too much to put him into a position of insecure housing and financial risk without knowing he had an independent plan. I didn't want either of us to invest emotionally into something that wasn't real.

Your marrying a man who you don't feel you have a right to discuss these things with. Nor has he been open and transparent with you.

You really are putting yourself in an incredible vulnerable position

The OP sounds far too passive to 'just divorce' anyone to be honest.

I really don't think she should be getting married next month until she learns that the things she thinks are none of her business, very much are.

I think when an adult invites people to come to a meal to celebrate their birthday that adult should pay. If you want people to be there you should accommodate that. My parents do this and I find it really cringe. They insist we come out on numerous occasions but never pay. If I invite people to a birthday meal or anniversary meal I pay for it. That’s the classy and adult thing to do. If others want to contribute that’s fine but it shouldn’t be assumed.

It doesn't make you a bad person. It just means you don't understand some things, and that's fine. We all learn some time!

My partner's Dad always foots the bill for family meals out, regardless of the occasion, and we're all in our 30's/40's. No one demands or expects it, it's just that he can afford it and wants to do a nice thing for his kids.

Ask the kids then . “Say do you fancying putting something in ti the pot for dads birthday meal ?
I wouldn’t be moaning about it as it a takeaway but I am sure they can afford this.

On the other hand you pay for the takeaway and ask them what they have got dad for his birthday .

I’ll go against the grain here and say that it would be nice for the children to offer to pay if they can afford it. I’m in my 20s with my own siblings also in their 20s, plus DH and his siblings are all in their 20s. We always pay for ourselves and offer to cover the birthday person’s share. That said, I wouldn’t invite my own family out if I couldn’t afford it and I wasn’t expecting to pay for everyone, which we do regularly. Our parents couldn’t afford to cover a meal out for all of us, plus partners and our DC. I don’t necessarily think there is right or wrong here because I have loads of friends who wouldn’t ever put their hand in their pocket for a meal or takeaway etc.

Which is fine if you know this is the position you are in.

But if the OP is contributing 50/50, without knowing her husbands income best case she is investing in her husband her husbands future whereas he is not investing in hers.

Worst case it is actual financial abuse if there is a large disparity in wealth.

A home big and expensive enough to house adult child/children, plus valuable enough to pay off inheritances and still buy in with OP, when the OP has no indepent asset screams disparity in wealth.

Which is fine if the OP knows what she is taking on, but she doesn't.

Nothing screams disaster more than a vulnerable female taught to pay her way and a wealthy male who deliberately obscures the real financial situation whilst securing his own position.

You're being unreasonable. If he wants to pay for his children, that's his choice. I'm careful with money and have less income than my two grown up sons, but I love paying for all of us (including their partners) on a meal out. It makes me feel good. (And yes, they do reciprocate, but that's not why I do it.)

I agree. I'm retired and a tight arse, and I still like paying for my children when I can.

@butterfly172 looking in it seems like he is planning to do the right thing by everyone.
Sellthe family home ( which would be kids inheritance if he didn’t ) gives them a deposit amount for a house no doubt. He has told them the timescale and he is marrying you and making plans for your own property together which will no doubt go to the other person if anything happens to either of you .

You do need to talk to your dh to be about all of this though op .
You share a bed are getting married and are planning a life and you don’t know how any of this works or sound like you have any say.

I think you need to get some counselling too tbh.

I’m 35 and every couple of months I take my children to go visit my parents and we eat out, I insist on paying for me and mine and they absolutely will not hear it. I’ve even said let’s just go halves then but still nope. I think in their eyes even though I have my own family etc I’m still their child. It’s quite sweet and I really appreciate it