Paying for own birthday meal

[butterfly172]

So it’s my fiancé’s birthday tomorrow. His 3 adult children don’t pay anything towards birthday dinner, instead he pays for it…I’m paying for it tomorrow as I refuse to let him pay for his own birthday meal, he does it every year. It gives me the hump that he pays for everyone to eat on his birthday (his youngest child is 22), am I being silly or is my thought process valid?

You sound very passive about every single thing in your life.

Do you earn well?

My aunt left all the finances to her (now ex) husband. She knew none of it. She ended up in an IVA when they split.

You're engaged. You have a right to know how the finances and property are going to work before you're married, so you know what will happen if you're ever not married (divorce or death).

I'm sure I'm not the only one here in my 30s who couldn't get DPs to let me pay for them if I wanted to! (Regardless of having children, I know this through having parents)

We’re both going to save money for the home and the rest will be mortgage and what’s left over from the sale of the house once he’s given the kids money.

Yes.

He probably doesn't intend to. But the fact you know nothing about it leaves you open to finding yourself in a bad position one day.

I think I am.

Do you have your own money/property in the intervening time?

What measures have you put in place to protect that?

Do be careful you are not investing financially and emotionally in a man who is not at liberty to do the same to you.

If actually in 18 months time he decides actually he doesn't want to sell the house (or indeed move his kids out) do you have a back up plan?

This is a man who is never and should never, put you above his kids. Which means you absolutely must be in a position to put yourself first

Genuinely worried you seem to be very nieve

I’m not naive. Unsure of how much say I have in anything.

No it doesn't. But obviously you dont understand parent/child relationships... even when they're grown up.

This isn’t about the meal . Do you really want to live with his adult step children ? I wouldn’t . I’d want my own peace . I’d hate to feel like an outsider . I had a child with a man who made me feel like that and it was hell. He will always put these adult children first . Doubt the kids will go either.

Have you saved the money yet? Do you know how much he has from his property to put towards it?
Do you know the impact his age will have on a mortgage?
Are you paying 50/50?

We’re going to save from June as we’ve now finished saving and paying for the wedding. Everything will be 50/50 but the family home is his and I do not have or wish to have a claim on that.

PLEASE sit him down, have a chat and get everything watertight with a solicitor before marrying him.

I know the wedding is next month, but this really needs sorting ASAP.

You should never go into a marriage being worried about what will happen to you one day!

He’s said to the kids they have 2 years and then they need to make their own way, the next home is ours.

Just read that back.

Do you think you are in an equal partnership? do you think you should be marrying someone who you feel unsure of how much of a say you have in anything?

I say nieve because you seem to have no idea the nuts and bolts of the house and family you are marrying into.

How can you give Informed consent to a marriage which you actually have no idea how you are being housed or financed or what you are investing financially or emotionally into?

Hey OP - so I have been where you are my DP has 2 adult children and I am childless. Both his children work FT and live at home with their Mum.

I wrongly thought when we all went out for Fathers Day meal (including one of their BFs), that because they ALL work FT and have no costs living at home with mum they would pay for my DPs meal... they did not. when the bill came they just left it on the table so me being a mug picked the tab up - otherwise DP would have paid and that felt wrong to me. To be clear I thought they would pay for at least just him - like £10-15 each (I would never expect to be paid for). There was a card - no gifts.

Since I turned 17 and worked FT I always pay either for myself or if its my parents birthday/mothers day/fathers day etc I will happily pay the bill. My parents can afford to treat us and maybe from the outside in their are just a bit tight I thought this was normal - where as in actual fact its not the norm at all. I just needed to see things from another family perspective I guess. I am no longer surprised!

I do know though if his daughters took him out for a meal he would be over the moon completely delighted it would probably make his whole year!

I think it depends on the wider context.

Are we talking here about them not buying anything for him for his birthday at all (or a small token gesture) and expecting the meal to be paid for, for them?

Or have they clubbed together and booked him a holiday or bought something else of considerable expense?

If it's the former I'd be annoyed because he's too nice and being taken advantage of when they are well-earning adults. If it's the latter, I think it's fine.

And if he changes his mind, or it just doesn't happen, what then?

Will you be on Mumsnet in 2 years time posting about being stuck in your husband's family home, with his adult children?

You'll be totally screwed OP.

Being married is a legal contract. Never sign a contract you don't understand.

Moving into someone's house is an emotional and financial investment.

Never investment or sign anything you don't fully understand

come on OP they're all adults they don't need that much parenting from you really.

just be a friendly ear for them and different advice/perspective than their Dad.

i don't think its some thing that you should see or take personally. he is just a dad who likes to treat his children for his birthday.

As many have said lots of parents enjoy the presence of all their adult children being there.

Mine gets practically giddy when he manages to round us all up for his birthdays.

Very true I think all OP can bank on is the kids come first and they will do as they please ( prob either won’t leave or be back and forth ). Also his kids will inherit from him.

This really isn't about a birthday meal

It’s normal (well where I am anyway) that if you invite people out for your birthday meal then you pay the bill. So not weird that he pays.

And also normal to pay for adult DCs as well.