Paying for own birthday meal

[butterfly172]

So it’s my fiancé’s birthday tomorrow. His 3 adult children don’t pay anything towards birthday dinner, instead he pays for it…I’m paying for it tomorrow as I refuse to let him pay for his own birthday meal, he does it every year. It gives me the hump that he pays for everyone to eat on his birthday (his youngest child is 22), am I being silly or is my thought process valid?

You’re not coming across great.

Absolutely doesn't make you a bad person but it possibly mean you have a different perspective

The plan has always been to sell the family home and for us to get our own place. He’s planning on giving the kids money from the sale of the family home, then the home we get together is ours.

Don't be a victim by taking control.

Get a grip on the timeline for having your own place and how that's going to work. For what reasons are you waiting and how sensible are they?

Understand the finances of inheritance - don't just say "nothing to do with me" when you've self styled as a step mum and actually are a step grannie! It's important to you and how you finance and manage your future.

We are waiting for the current mortgage agreement to expire.

Maybe it’s something that was set before she was ever on the scene. The dynamic with my ex is that if he eats out with our adult kids or even if I am with them as well, he pays. That is set in stone, it’s not even discussed.

I've got adult children and my dad would still want to pay for us if we went out for a meal. He'd be upset if he couldn't.

because....

So will you be taking out a mortgage for your half or do you have the cash?

In our 20s both sets of parents always paid when we went out. Once I was in my 30s and earning more than my parents my partner and I paid for ourselves when out with my parents. However my in-laws would be highly offended if we did that when eating out with them and they always pay

Im guessing we can’t move until then? He’s also given the kids a timeline to move out of 2 years (his choice not mine)

That's very true, they may have gotten sick of offering in the past, as it upset their dad. We don't know the back story. We don't even know if they even got their dad gifts and cards, which they very well may have.

Defo mortgage although we’ll both be saving after the wedding.

Do you think this or know this?

You think a decent father is going to essentially disinherit their kids?

Do you know how much money is going in/gifting to what/who? Have you seen the will?

These things need to be explicitly agreed and paperwork open, especially in second families.

You need to know exactly what you are agreeing to by marrying this man.

I’m getting scared now. I’ve not seen the will as I don’t feel it’s my business until we’re married. I don’t expect that everything comes to me at all. I understand that he will provide for his kids.

I don't see anything wrong with it.

In my family the birthday person pays for everyone's meal.

In my DH's family everyone apart from the birthday person splits the bill.

I much prefer my families way as I'm happy to pay for the experience I've chosen.

My in laws way bothered me at first, as I felt like I had to go to expensive restaurants that didn't have much options for me, then had to pay considerably more than what I'd actually eaten/drunk to cover the birthday person and other people's more expensive orders as it was always split by person. I don't buy them gifts anymore and consider the extra expense my gift to them which has made me feel better about it.

It feels like he has all the control. And if you're "guessing" the answers to things then he's not sharing and you're not asking.

Did you own your home before moving in with him and the kids?

No, I rented with a friend before I moved in with him. I have nothing of my own in terms of property.

Can he afford to give his 3 children equity from his current home and finance his side of a new home with you given his age and mortgage restrictions?

So talk to him. Get everything in writing regarding the finances and the house.

There are options. You can register a house in Tenants in Common where you both own a percentage and when one of you dies that percentage goes into trust for the beneficiaries of that person. But the other person still "owns" the house and the beneficiaries aren't repaid until the house is sold.

But don't marry this man til you know that financially you're not getting screwed over.

I don’t know.

I can’t see how 3 adults in their twenties can’t organise paying for a meal for their dad. Even if that is their present to him and there’s nothing else it s only going to be £20-£25 each isn’t it? I don’t remember treating my DDs as children when they were adults.

This is the crux of it OP and it's nothing personal, if he is genuinely happy to do it (a lot pf parents are happy to still be able to provide for their children as they get older) then there is no benefit of saying anything of trying to change anything.

I know where you are coming from, I think older kids should step up and at least offer when they are financially able to, instead of just accepting things paid for them all the time, so it would be nice for them to step up and offer, but you can't be the one to make that happen unfortunately.

Have a great time tomorrow and try not to overthink anything like that if you can.

I don’t feel like he’d screw me over, certainly not intentionally. But it does worry me about what’ll happen to me one day.

How can you be planning to buy a property with someone and have absolutely no clue how it will be financed?