Paying for own birthday meal

[butterfly172]

So it’s my fiancé’s birthday tomorrow. His 3 adult children don’t pay anything towards birthday dinner, instead he pays for it…I’m paying for it tomorrow as I refuse to let him pay for his own birthday meal, he does it every year. It gives me the hump that he pays for everyone to eat on his birthday (his youngest child is 22), am I being silly or is my thought process valid?

My parents won't let me pay. If I try they get upset that I'm paying for them instead of using my money towards my DC.

It's not sad to allow your parents to do something that makes them happy, as paying for me and my siblings does for mine. It's just a different dynamic to you.

You said there's a bit of an age gap OP.

What happens if he dies first? I mean with the kid's inheritance?

Will you have to move out or will you be allowed to stay there until you die?

Sorry to be morbid, but these things need sorting before marriage always

To answer your original question OP, yes I think they should pay for themselves and him. Are they selfish and spoilt in other ways?

Regardless I think you do not want to be getting involved here.

You're in a tough spot; living in their family home and only meeting them when they were adults. It's good news that you are getting your own place as this would be a living nightmare on a long-term basis.

For the next two years take a silent vow of ignoring it all. Honestly it will keep you sane. Prioritise keeping your marriage happy.

My mum is in her 80s and still pays for her birthday meal for her kids, their spouses and grandkids. I tried to pay last year. She got very upset. She likes to treat her family.

Exactly.

Hell would freeze over before either of my parents accepted a meal from us, when they have lots of disposable income and we were raising our kids and paying high rents.

They just wouldn't enjoy it at all.

ETA: It would literally ruin the occasion for them.

I will happily carry on paying for treats for my daughter until I drop dead.
After all, you can't take it with you.

i am mid forties - when we go out with my father he still offers to pay. Its quiet common 🙁 i offer to pay but he wont let me, we help out in other ways

You don't think it is sad that some parents on this thread are paying so that their adult children spend time with them? It isn't about offering to pay, and parents refusing as in your situation. Op said they aren't offering to chip in at all? Did they even get their dad a gift?

for gods sake. You don’t have to keep quiet and tiny, that is just whipping out your tiny violin, you just have to let the man pay for his children’s meals!! My parents would if they invited us, and we are in our 40s with good incomes. But with a mortgage and 3 dc they recognise they have more disposable cash than we do and are very happy to take us out.

I’ve no idea. Their inheritance is really not something I consider as that’s up to their dad. We’re going to be getting our own home so maybe he’ll give them money from the sale of the house?

This is a really good point.

I think knowing where you stand is really important. And saying that reminds me: In all honesty, you moving into an established family home with a fiftysomething partner with three full time late teens and twentysomethings was always going to be very hard.

They live with their dad so I'm sure they spend plenty of time with him.

Literally no one said that.

Ok, so I’ll just keep quiet and tiny in everyone’s life. I’m actually really good to his kids, I’ll help out where I can, celebrate their wins and we have a good relationship. But it hurts to be seen as a someone who is a wrecker.

Sorry but your replies remind me of the toxic shit my MIL comes out with whenever someone (me) calls her out on her behaviour. Even down to the being a ‘bad person’. No one said that, no one implied it. Stop it with the victim mentality.

And FWIW my Mum still pays for me and I’m in my 40s.

I wasn't alluding to op's df.

I’ve not got the impression anyone on here (including myself) is paying for time with their adult kids. I might have missed some posts though.

No, that makes you a person who is unable to understand parental dynamics.

That’s not what’s happening here though. The dc live with them. The dad isn’t paying because it’s the only way he sees them, he’s paying because he wants to treat them. We see my parents regularly, they don’t pay for as because it’s the only way they’d see us or their grandchildren. But they are paying for a weeks accom for all of their adult dc and their dgc for an international holiday soon because they want to. Everyone has a good job, mum and dad want to pay for us.

How do I stop? I don’t want to be a victim

We don't know if they got a gift. We don't know if they used to offer and Dad said no. We don't know whether he's said "birthday dinner at X, my treat" to them and they know that means I'm paying don't you dare offer".

OP has been with him for four years, his eldest is 29, this dynamic has been around much longer than OP and we don't know how they've gotten to this point, and OP probably doesn't know that either given she wasn't around when it likely started.

If my parents say "we're taking you to X for lunch while you're here", I don't offer to pay because I know that means they want to treat. If they say "fancy trying here" I'll say "yes please, I'll budget it out" and they'll either say "don't be silly it's on us" or if for some reason they aren't paying they'll say "let us know if it's too much" (rare).

We've been playing this game for years now and we know when we can offer without offending. I'd imagine it's the same for most families.

I'll be paying for my birthday meal, and paying for my 22 year olds and his girlfriend as well.
I invited them, so I'm paying. Just like if I invited people to a birthday party I wouldn't expect them to pay for their food.
YABU

Oh you really shouldn't have ever moved in before you have this agreed!!!!

Love and hearts are all very well, by lives are built on money and bricks and mortar.

You get 10 years down the line, he dies and you find the house you've considered home has to be sold. How will you feel then? Especially if its a house you've also invested in

Put a massive pause on the wedding. Have a good long consideration of everything you are going to be taking on right now

It might be, but it is in no way your place to suggest it to anyone.

There was somebody that said something about paying because they were grateful just to spend time with their dcs. I felt that their dcs should want to spend time with their parents anyway. Maybe the wording this poster chose wasn't meant this way, or I have misinterpreted while skim reading. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Bloody hell op, your getting it tight on here. I absolutely do not think your bu.
We always pay for my adult dc as well. This thread has really made me think. Why should we always pay? I think it's the lack of gesture that's bothering you, isn't it?

Yes, I've not seen that said either.

What I have seen is some posters saying it's lovely to have all their adult DC together, and they're very happy to treat them when they are.