My one and only holiday ruined?

[AbbeyDown]

AIBU to feel really upset that my holiday plans have changed without my input?

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m feeling really unsettled about something, and my husband doesn’t seem to get where I’m coming from.

We booked a 10-day holiday abroad as a break after my 16-year-old daughter finishes her GCSEs. It was meant to be just the three of us — a time to relax, unwind, and celebrate her finishing such a stressful chapter.

Now I’ve found out that my husband’s long-time friend (who I’ve known for years, but we’re not especially close) has also booked onto the same holiday, staying at our hotel. He’s bringing along his girlfriend, who I’ve only met once, and their two kids — one who is close in age to my daughter, and a 5 year-old.

I had no say in this. My husband told them about our plans, and they just… decided to come. Apparently it was going to be kept a secret and just surprise us when we got to the airport. I wasn’t asked if I was okay with it, and now I’m expected to share my holiday with a group of people I don’t know well, including a young child, which changes the whole dynamic of the trip.

I also want to be honest: I struggle with confidence, especially around my body and skin. I deal with hormonal acne, and holidays are the one time I let go, go makeup-free, and truly relax — knowing no one knows me and I don’t have to “perform” socially. Now, with someone 12 years younger than me who I barely know coming along, I feel extremely self-conscious and uncomfortable. It’s not about jealousy — it’s about not feeling safe to just be myself anymore.

My husband says I’m overreacting and that there’s “nothing wrong with my body,” but he’s totally missing the emotional side of this for me. I feel like my space has been taken away from me, and I’ve lost the freedom I was looking forward to.

AIBU to feel upset about this? And has anyone else dealt with something similar?

I'd be changing hotels i couldn't be bothered with 'making forced conversations' when you're there to relax and bond with your family . Not forgetting the noise from the 5 year old loads of questions etc when you just want to chill!!!

Absolutely YANBU and your DH’s friend sounds fucking awful if he’s the sort of person who takes it upon himself to impose like that.

Obviously you can’t actually stop someone booking the same holiday as you, but your DH can and should make it clear to them that you aren’t up for this being a joint holiday. At all. Maybe meet for dinner one night or something but nothing more.

I would stop referring to your body confidence concerns as a reason for not wanting these people around. It’s a red herring really. I’m not especially worried about that kind of thing - but I would still hate it if friends decided they were going to join us for our holiday! For me, a holiday is about me and DP getting away from everyone else and having time together and doing our own thing. And when I was a child, a family holiday was very much that - just us as a family having quality time together. I think that’s what you need to emphasise to your DH - you and your daughter really don’t want to spend a week with other people, particularly people you don’t even know very well and who have a five year old!

Did your DH really not know what his friend was planning? Does your DH think this is all normal and fine or is he also appalled but just can’t bring himself to tell his friend to back off? Does the friend have form for being a pushy, overbearing twat?!

Your DH is being a wet blanket and refusing to respond appropriately to this 'friend' who has crossed a million boundaries with this weird behaviour. Of course you don't want another family joining you on your holiday without prior discussion. You need to change the hotel PDQ. It's a shame if you like this one but there will be other nice hotels. And tell DH to grow a pair and tell these friends that you enjoy a peaceful family holiday and are not pleased that they did this without discussion.

He's latching on to anything isn't he.

He's wants his mate there

I would be fucking livid OP. I totally understand everything you’re saying. I would just make it clear at the airport that this is not what you signed up for. Tell your DH now that you and your DD will be keeping yourselves to yourselves and to tell his mate, his Mrs and their 5 year old ‘DO NOT APPROACH’ under any circumstances. Make it clear that there will be no nights out, no pool days, no childcare, no chatting half dressed in bikinis, no fucking anything.

If you have to be stand-offish then so be it.

@AbbeyDown "you'll have someone to talk to" would make me see red. Is your DH not planning to talk to you? Or your teenage DD? I would be very suspicious that this plan has been cooked up between your DH and his friend, despite the fact he says otherwise.

This is your holiday and your daughter's. It may be one of your last family holidays just the three of you. There is no way I would go along with this. Tell your husband your daughter doesn't want to go with anyone else and neither do you....if you'd wanted to do a joint holiday with friends you'd have planned that. I would be changing the hotel immediately to be honest.

Tell DH the deal is he goes over to and sits with his mate, they do not all float over to your family as you’ll have to engage with them and you don’t want that.
If they do, you will be getting up with DCS and moving seats after saying hi

Sympathies. It really does change the dynamics. I really can't see a way out of this, unless you change the holiday completely.

Yeah, I think I would be telling dh, that if he wants a boys trip to book one.

There will be an argument if he tries socialising on holiday with his mate when it's supposed to be a family holiday.

I would actually get in touch with the guy and say look you've overstepped

Have you explained your daughters feelings as well? Unfair after really stressful time she can't just relax too

Why wouldn’t he enjoy being with you and your daughter though? It’s not about “supervision” it’s about spending time together. If he wants a lads holiday then he can book one, any other time than during his family holiday.

Your DH is annoying me tbh!

Totally get it OP. I’d advise you to change whatever you can and fob them off somehow.

I wouldn’t be surprised if DH encouraged/invited them.

This is mad. This isn't the holiday she wants or planned. Why would this be an appropriate solution?

This would drive me mad op.

Yeah this in spades. ^ The absolute fucking cheek of your husband (and his mates!) @AbbeyDown I would 100% cancel, and stay at home with your DC. Stand firm and do NOT go on this holiday.

OR as a few pps have said, go into the booking and change the hotel if you can, to one a few miles away from them. What a cheek for them to book the same hotel!

My DH and I used to know/hang around with this couple some years ago (shortly before we had our own DC) and they had 2 boys aged 3 and 2. He was DH's workmate, and that's how we became 'couple' friends. It was OK to start with, but after a few months it started to grate.

I had nothing in common with her, she was around 8 years younger than me, and had got married at 17, and had her babies at 18 and 19. (Not judging, but she had literally left school and got married and had babies I had a career, hadn't got married til mid 20s, and had travelled a lot, and we were totally different people. Her DH was 5 years older than her.)

After a few months, we started to meet up with this couple, (they'd come to us or we would go to theirs,) and DH and him would fuck off out, to a hobby group, or the pub, or a sport, and leave me with her and the 2 kids. Not at any point did the men take the 2 boys. Me and the mum had nothing to talk about, I wasn't interested in her children and found them annoying and whiney, and they wouldn't stop crying and playing up. When they were at ours they just screamed the place down, and played up, and tried wrecking our home, and even broke a few things. The mum (and dad) had zero control over these 2 boys.

I tolerated this for a good few months, then told DH flat out that he was welcome to go and see this mate on his own, but I am no longer going, and I don't want them coming here with their 2 kids, wrecking our house, and screaming the place down the whole time they're here, whilst he and his mate fuck off out. We went out all together occasionally, but around 85% of the time DH and this mate just fucked off and left me and the wife and the 2 kids.

DH was miffed and pulled a face, but I told him if he was going to bring them around I would be going out, and I will NOT go to theirs again. I put up with it for a year, and I'd had enough.

They didn't come again, she completely ignored me any time she saw me outside/ghosted me (result!) and this mate of DH's was salty and sour and arsey with him for doing what 'little wifey' wants. Their friendship broke up soon after. Seems he didn't want to know just DH, he wanted someone (me!) to help his wife co-parent their 2 toddlers whilst he fucked off out .

DH saw this bloke for what he was, a user. I thought he would blame me for the friendship breaking down, but he didn't care. Said he was well rid!

I’d be annoyed too Op. I go on holiday with my family to relax, visit places I’ve never been before, eat lovely food and not make friends!!! I can’t be bothered with small talk on holiday. I want to be unsociable.
The last thing I would want is to share my holiday with another family. My idea of holiday hell.
Your DH is not putting yours or your DD’s needs first. I would be telling him that you are not going on holiday to be sociable and so to expect that you and your DD will do your own thing if he wants to spend all his time with his mate. Put boundaries in place before you go so he and his mate knows that you are not being rude, just having the holiday you expected and wanted to have.
Next year tell him not to mention holiday dates and hotels to his mate.

Honestly.. if you have access to the booking details go ahead and change the hotel and don’t tell your husband, that’s exactly what I’d do!

your DD might enjoy some optional teenage company to go and explore the hotel or to go for a walk outside etc

Why do people imagine that kids/teens will get along just because they’re the same age?

The OP’s DD is a teenager at school and spends all her time in the company of other teenagers, and maybe just wants to chill out on a sun lounger with her phone and a book without having to do social stuff.

When I was a teenager, getting to know some other random teenager on holiday would have been my worst nightmare to be honest.

Oh god no, this is not ok. To me our holidays are our family time, not friends or extended family, no way.

If your wanted a group holiday you'd have organised one.

Totally with you OP.

Tell DH either his mate cancels his holiday or you're moving hotels.

What does he mean you'll have "someone to talk to"? If you wanted to talk you'd have him and your DD! 🙄 (This comment alone suggests to me that he and his mate intend hanging out at the bar while you and the mate's gf do the childcare for the 5 year old.)
YANBU OP - I'd be furious too. This isn't about being anti-social - it's about having the kind of holiday you want on your terms (there's a massive difference between being friendly with people you meet on holiday and being on holiday with someone - even more so when this was never what you wanted!).
Maybe you and DD could make a point of heading off to the nearest beach (assuming you're near the coast) to sunbathe and relax on your own?

Absolutely only go on a holiday that meets your needs.
Rebook.
It was not husband's fault but now that you both know that his friend takes advantage of your business, keep from sharing anything more.

Talk about change, with daughter as support, to husband afterwards.
Ask him to please keep details of your new hotel private.
ie: tell not a soul.

Omg THIS! He needs to stop telling you how you'll feel and what you want!!

Pisses me off, that.

(Sorry I know I've not RTFT but I'm too grumpy to go any further)

I'd be so annoyed at this.

This! It’s like something out of the 1950’s. Wtf is wrong with some men?

I'd be livid. Sharing a holiday is such an intimate thing to do and you both have to be totally on board

The fact he didn't tell you is obv proof he knew u wouldn't be happy :-(