My one and only holiday ruined?

[AbbeyDown]

AIBU to feel really upset that my holiday plans have changed without my input?

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m feeling really unsettled about something, and my husband doesn’t seem to get where I’m coming from.

We booked a 10-day holiday abroad as a break after my 16-year-old daughter finishes her GCSEs. It was meant to be just the three of us — a time to relax, unwind, and celebrate her finishing such a stressful chapter.

Now I’ve found out that my husband’s long-time friend (who I’ve known for years, but we’re not especially close) has also booked onto the same holiday, staying at our hotel. He’s bringing along his girlfriend, who I’ve only met once, and their two kids — one who is close in age to my daughter, and a 5 year-old.

I had no say in this. My husband told them about our plans, and they just… decided to come. Apparently it was going to be kept a secret and just surprise us when we got to the airport. I wasn’t asked if I was okay with it, and now I’m expected to share my holiday with a group of people I don’t know well, including a young child, which changes the whole dynamic of the trip.

I also want to be honest: I struggle with confidence, especially around my body and skin. I deal with hormonal acne, and holidays are the one time I let go, go makeup-free, and truly relax — knowing no one knows me and I don’t have to “perform” socially. Now, with someone 12 years younger than me who I barely know coming along, I feel extremely self-conscious and uncomfortable. It’s not about jealousy — it’s about not feeling safe to just be myself anymore.

My husband says I’m overreacting and that there’s “nothing wrong with my body,” but he’s totally missing the emotional side of this for me. I feel like my space has been taken away from me, and I’ve lost the freedom I was looking forward to.

AIBU to feel upset about this? And has anyone else dealt with something similar?

To be fair, it's not an easy conversation to have with someone.

I'm not sure I'd have responded any differently in the moment either. Think about it. You'd be like a rabbit caught in the headlights!

The 5 year old has nothing whatsoever to do with it. I was referring to the OP's DD.

i really feel for you.
I suspect that your hubby has been rather naive here. If he doesn’t have a history of trampling all over your feelings then I’d take it that he’s been a bit blindsided and stupid. However, how he behaves now will say a lot. If he gaslights you and acts like your response to the poor behaviour is the issue then this needs to be addressed.
assuming he’s a good guy who has screwed up, I doubt you’re gonna get him to understand how your feeling, just as he’s not gonna be able to convince you that it’s not a big deal.
the important thing is what you do now. I think the two of you need to treat it as a problem you need to solve. The other couple are unlikely to change their plans, they aren’t bothered. I think you and your family need to do what you need to do to make this better for you. I honestly believe that changing hotel ( even at a higher cost) will get you back the holiday you booked and expected.
we’ve had this exact problem and it has caused untold stress.
good luck x

I would be similarly raging op. What an imposition. Like you, I would never presume to ‘hijack’ someone’s holiday.

If you genuinely can’t avoid it I would resolve to be deliberately mardy whenever they were around (not with your dd and when they weren’t there obvs). And I’d deliberately move if they came anywhere near the sunbeds or when I was eating. I’d be completely childish about it but if they ruined my holiday I’d make damn sure to make the atmosphere awkward for them too.

Petty and immature? Yes. A lesson for your dumb husband and the holiday hijackers too? Yes.

Same thing happened to me OP. DH’s mate and his new GF. Asked DH where we go on holiday, DH absolutely did not think he would book to be there at same time as us. I made clear I was not up for socialising, it is a place we go to have private time together. DH suggested I was being unreasonable, I stuck to my guns and said (and sincerely) that I was fine with DH socialising with them during the day a couple of times while I did my thing, though I would prefer evenings were just for us. That way DH had a choice, but no way was he going to dictate how I spent my time. In the end we compromised, and saw them (together) for an hour, once, in the entire week. Otherwise, we said hi if we saw each other but otherwise we kept our distance. They were pretty impervious - the kind of people who gatecrash your holiday tend to be pretty thickskinned. So, if you can’t change hotel because it is too costly, I hope you can negociate it this way.
Sympathy re the hormonal acne, I’ve suffered and am much happier now my GP has found a treatment that works. But I also enjoy not wearing makeup on holiday, and as I have scarring, I do like being able to choose who sees me in that state.

@PopcornKittenwhat did you end up doing in your situation?

But OP has warned DH now that she will not spend time with his friend and his family.

It would have been great if OP could change the hotel but there’s no point in spending £1000+.

There’s no need for OP to message the girlfriend. People have been swerving random fellow holiday makers for centuries.

OP just needs to refuse to see these people, whether that’s at breakfast, lunch or dinner or by the pool. They will not seek OP out.

I think DH isn’t telling the truth. For whatever reason, he thought it would be more fun for him if these people came and didn’t give a thought to how that would play out for his wife and daughter.
OP - in your position, I’d stop trying to rebook flights and hotels and tell you DH he’s not welcome to come along after all the hassle he’s put you through. If you’re there alone, you can just ignore these people.

@Almondina Thank you, your situation really resonates with me, especially when it comes to feeling self-conscious. It’s not something that’s easy to explain to people who don’t deal with it, but it affects how comfortable you feel just existing around others, especially when you’re meant to be relaxing.

I also barely know his girlfriend, so the idea of having to make polite small talk for 10 days just adds another layer of stress. It’s incredibly awkward and not what I want from a family holiday. I’m honestly furious that I’m now the one left trying to figure out how to salvage this, spending time, energy, and potentially a lot more money just to feel like I can enjoy the break we planned. It’s exhausting.

This is what will likely happen with OP’s gatecrashers too.

Your DH should ask them to change their holiday.

Tell him to say, "Look, CFFriend, this is a bit awkward, but @AbbeyDown went absolutely ballistic after we saw you. She is just not up for a group holiday and is absolutely livid about the fact that you booked to come on our holiday without running it past us first. Now she wants to change either our dates or our hotel, but it's very expensive and to be honest we don't see why we should lose money when this wasn't our fault. In retrospect I should have checked why you wanted to know the exact place and dates of our holiday, and by telling you I might have given you the impression that it was a "the more the merrier" situation. But it's really not, and @AbbeyDown and DD are really upset about it. Are you able to change your dates?"

Our was slightly different in the sense that the CF told me they were gatecrashing but it was a surprise for my DH so I couldn’t say anything. I was so upset but they didn’t care. These type of people rarely care about the impact of their actions on others I find.
with hindsight it would have been better to cancel the trip rather than allow it all to happen passively. The result is that we no longer talk to those involved.

That's perfect.

Ah I really feel for you; how deflating. This isn’t the holiday you had planned and looked forward to. We do lots of holidays with friends and family but it’s a mutual decision and we go in with eyes open.

When we book a family only trip, we like to keep to ourselves and decompress. No way I would want to share that time with any gate crashers. Basically, it means your DH and his mate can go out and socialise and you and the GF can keep each other company. How convenient. I absolutely would be changing hotels and expecting DH to pay with no questions asked.

This made me laugh out loud. Seriously??? I don't think hiding out in a convent is the poolside, all-inclusive holiday that OP has booked and is looking forward to with her daughter and husband!

I would make it crystal clear to your husband you will NEVER be in their company again and do not care if you offend them with how you intend to behave.

Too often because of how women are reared, they are expected by men and society to suck up their boundaries being trampled upon.

Make it clear to your husband that you don't care about his friend, offending him or his girlfriend.

They have all conspired to fxxk up your holiday by their presumptuous belief that you don't matter and will suck up the imposition.

It is extremely freeing to not give a fxxk and make it really clear to your husband that you don't care if they know you are furious with him and them for messing your special holiday with your daughter.

I feel so sorry for your daughter in all of this.
For your husband to have such a blatent disregard for her.

You need to find your outrage on behalf of your child.

This. But don't get him to say it, get him to text it. No chance for butting in and pleading, no chance for "come on mate you'll hardly know we're there", no "but I thought we'd all hang out".

No ambiguity, the message is clear. They've hijacked, it's not on. If they can't change it at least they will be in no doubt of your feelings while you're there and will hopefully be shamed into staying out of your way.

And get your DH to show you he's sent it!

I think maybe after finding out its gonna cost a grand more to switch hotel, clashing with your partner, finding it exhausting etc etc, you might just have to stop and accept its not ideal but it IS OK. I understand that people are particular about their holidays but your updates are getting too much - if this is the biggest problem in your life then you are very lucky. Relax and enjoy your holiday.

I can just guess the mindset of people who do things like this.

Husband bored because the holiday is no longer about him. Wife pissed off because she cant just chill and relax with cocktails as they have a toddler.

Mate and wife with 16 year old dd going away....PERFECT!! We go there at the same time, "We can get their DD to babysit if we pay her and we get to chill and have adult evenings with them!".

Frankly I would rather cancel than that. Although watching them in a MASSIVE mood when you refuse to allow DD to babysit would be quite entertaining. That and watching them row about the kid wrangling by the pool while you and DD relax.

Reframe it, and it could be very very funny to witness.

ETA - Submitted too soon.

Re: DH shocked. Bollocks is he. I would bet my house that him and his mate were talking, mate was moaning about shit holidays as they have a young child. Then they have an idea to go away together "Oh yes mate, I am sure SDD would babysit so we can have a few nights out just the four of us" blah blah. This was, lets not forget, all his idea to go in the first place.

He gets a mates holiday and didnt even think that you or DD would mind. And that is what makes this so bad. Not the fact that he did it without discussing it with you, but the fact that you or DD didnt even factor in his decision making.

I have always believed that thoughtlessness is worse than selfishness. Selfishness at least means that they thought about you and then thought "nah, I want to to do this, fuck them". Thoughtlessness means that you werent important enough to cross their mind at all.

If you manage to change the hotel don’t tell your DP. Surprise!

i feel for you OP, this couple have marred your holiday, you should be looking forward to it not dreading it or thinking of a way out of it.

I agree it is your husbands responsibility to manage his friendship and their expectations. He needs to tell them you aren’t going on a joint holiday and will not be socialising with them. I would also be making him spell it out that it a joint decision, why should you be painted the bad guy for wanting to go on holiday with your husband and child?

@Whendotheysleep I appreciate that we all have different perspectives, but I came here to vent and look for support not to be judged for how I’m feeling. What might seem like “too much” to you is something that’s genuinely affecting me, and I think it’s okay to express that. It’s not about being ungrateful or dramatic it’s about being blindsided by a situation I didn’t agree to, and trying to process the emotional and financial impact of it.

We all have different thresholds for what feels overwhelming, especially when it comes to personal space, privacy, and comfort particularly on something like a family holiday we’ve been looking forward to. If the thread isn’t for you, that’s fine but there’s no need to be dismissive. A little empathy goes a long way.

I really feel for you. Don’t know what to suggest - but absolutely understand why you are so angry. If your husband has any part in this, however small he needs to make serious reparations.t

Your feelings are valid and you have eloquently explained your worries. Please ignore those who are making you feel as though your feelings don’t matter.

God that’s annoying.

5 yr old, ugh.

I share the horrible feeling DH sees this as a lads’ hol with you and DD as the unpaid nannies - that’s why he’s not talking to his BF.

Book something else just with you and DD.