My one and only holiday ruined?

[AbbeyDown]

AIBU to feel really upset that my holiday plans have changed without my input?

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m feeling really unsettled about something, and my husband doesn’t seem to get where I’m coming from.

We booked a 10-day holiday abroad as a break after my 16-year-old daughter finishes her GCSEs. It was meant to be just the three of us — a time to relax, unwind, and celebrate her finishing such a stressful chapter.

Now I’ve found out that my husband’s long-time friend (who I’ve known for years, but we’re not especially close) has also booked onto the same holiday, staying at our hotel. He’s bringing along his girlfriend, who I’ve only met once, and their two kids — one who is close in age to my daughter, and a 5 year-old.

I had no say in this. My husband told them about our plans, and they just… decided to come. Apparently it was going to be kept a secret and just surprise us when we got to the airport. I wasn’t asked if I was okay with it, and now I’m expected to share my holiday with a group of people I don’t know well, including a young child, which changes the whole dynamic of the trip.

I also want to be honest: I struggle with confidence, especially around my body and skin. I deal with hormonal acne, and holidays are the one time I let go, go makeup-free, and truly relax — knowing no one knows me and I don’t have to “perform” socially. Now, with someone 12 years younger than me who I barely know coming along, I feel extremely self-conscious and uncomfortable. It’s not about jealousy — it’s about not feeling safe to just be myself anymore.

My husband says I’m overreacting and that there’s “nothing wrong with my body,” but he’s totally missing the emotional side of this for me. I feel like my space has been taken away from me, and I’ve lost the freedom I was looking forward to.

AIBU to feel upset about this? And has anyone else dealt with something similar?

I’d still go. But I’d tell DH that in order to avoid any awkwardness at the hotel he should make it clear to his friend NOW that you and DD do not want to hang out by the pool or have meals together, so they should not expect it.

If this were me I’d write a polite message to them and ask DH to pass it on, and if he won’t you’ll send it on yourself. Something along the lines of

Hi Pals, DH tells me you’ve booked the same dates as us. We absolutely love the hotel and hope you enjoy it. In the interest of being honest we’d like to say now that DD and I desperately need a quiet solitary break to enjoy some peace and relaxation. While we’re happy to have the odd coffee or pint, we don’t want to merge our holidays or hang out at the pool or mealtimes with a small child. Thought it would be best to let you know in advance so you can plan your time, and we mean no offence at all by this. We just want a quiet family holiday. Let us know if you want any recommendations for things to do or local places to visit!”

This is perfect . I think making contact with the GF is the way forward. If she’s not played a part I bet she’d be interested to know her partner seemingly doesn’t want a family holiday. Are both the children your husbands friends??

This is a good message

I’d be equally as fuming - I remember once bumping into a couple of friends of a boyfriend I was with at the time, in Corfu Town. Thousands of miles from home and there they were, walking towards us through the main square. Which turned into lunch together. Then the beach the next day. Then dinner. It was awful - I just want to let it all hang out on holiday and do our own thing - that feeling of having to perform for acquaintances on holiday, never knowing when you’re going to bump into them is the worst. If I thought that boyfriend had facilitated that chance meeting in any way - I’d have been flying back by myself.

Really sorry, OP. Totally understand why this has sent you into a tizz. I’d be exactly the same. Utterly sucks.

I'd hate to be in your position but there are ways to make it work.
Make sure your plans are not suitable for a five-year-old child. They will have to do their own thing as a result. Within a day or two, it will hopefully just be waving at each other across a pool.
As an aside, I bet your daughter will love having another person their age that they'll be introduced to on the holiday.

What about the 5-year-old?

what happened in the end ?

I don't think you are over reacting. It feels like the booked wott the hopes of having some free childcare/ lads nights out. I don't think you should change your hotel though just be polite but dismissive when yous we them

Why should the message come from OP? She’s not the one who made the mess. We must stop making women the bad guy.

DH should make it clear that he is happy to meet with friend for a drink one evening but that his wife and daughter have plans, including staying the adult section of the resort, and won’t be able to join them at any point.

How difficult for you OP, and infuriating that it is causing pre-holiday friction with dh.

I had a small does of something similar when a quite distant family relation of dp's arranged a holiday that overlapped with ours by a few days (same hotel). They'd gone to quite some effort to subtly quiz other famiy about where we were staying. They either imagined it would be a fantastic and welcome surprise for us, or they knew we'd not want them there so were being sneaky.

The whole thing was like a very bad sit-com. The male partner was a big, lively character with a big voice and all his questions were phrased as including everyone (but split into guys and girls groups): "OK, OK, now where are we all heading today? The aquapark? Fantastic! [before anyone had time to answer] Right you girls see to the kids, us guys will get a taxi organised..." dp was a bit streamrollered by it, I spent those few days putting on my best cat's bum face and saying "That's not in our plans till next week."

Him: "Where are we all eating for dinner tonight?"
Me: "We haven't had a chance to debate that as a family yet. We'll decide for ourselves later."

And the female partner talked. And talked and talked. I would be reading my book and she would just be giving a running commentary on everything she saw or thought. Even asking directly and bluntly for peace didn't work, not for long.

I have no idea why they even thought it would be a good idea, they certainly can't have enjoyed my company! At least we then had some days on our own to relax once they'd left. And we still laugh about it.

But it was bad at the time. If you can find another lovely hotel then please do push the boat out and go for it. Your dh can meet his mate for a drink sometime, you and dd will get the restful holiday you both deserve. And it sends a very clear message to your dh: don't be that stupid or niaive again!

When did they tell you they had done this @AbbeyDown?

if it was a few days ago, there isn’t any change that this is an April Fools wind up is there? It’s such an odd thing to do to spend thousands of pounds to surprise a mate by booking the same holiday without double checking this would be very well received.

Are both the children your husbands friends??

What difference does that make?

Because it sounds like DH is happy to piss off his wife rather than his friend and is a soppy streak of piss.

If I were OP I’d rather step in now and make it clear if DH won’t.

If (and he won’t because this is a mess of his making) the OP’s husband sends a message of his own volition, it will absolutely put all the blame on her regardless. ‘AbbeyDown isn’t on board with the plan because she’s self conscious and doesn’t like young children these days. I’ve tried to tell her how it will still be relaxing and how she’ll have a great time with Dave’s girlfriend but she has decided that this isn’t workable. It’s a shame really but you guys still go and have a great time, hopefully we can get a hotel nearby to still meet for drinks (only with you Dave, wink wink)’.

Or he sends a message that will sound robotic and like he’s writing out his own ransom note, making him the ‘poor guy’ in his own shitshow.

Yes. This isn't about what the DH should do, it's what he is clearly going to do. And to refuse. He won't send that message and can't be trusted to do so, because he doesn't think this is a problem.

Just wondered if they are not the friends bio kids he might be looking to escape a bit more. He may not know the kids well. You’d hope a father would be excited by a 5yr olds holiday abroad. It’s the first age they start enjoying it being more involved. That was my thought. Just wondering on the set up and why he didn’t seem to want a traditional family holiday .

And if you can't change hotels or dates...

I'd be texting saying: 'I'm confused why you apologised for hi-jacking our holiday. We're not holidaying as a group, and you surely won't be intruding on our quiet time. dd and I are here to relax on our own, not to share family fun with any other people. I'm sure you have plans for your own family holiday. However, I see there is a carberet dinner on Tuesday evening, perhaps we could all go to that together?'

@Katrinawaveswe were told at the weekend. Thank god we were, otherwise it apparently was going to be a surprise at the airport!!!

They still haven’t told them they don’t want to go on holiday with them. Even after the friend’s DP asked OP if she minded them hijacking their holiday. OP said nothing.

OP’s DH either isn’t being honest with her. And/or isn’t caring, strong or assertive enough to explain it to his friend. He’s trying to persuade OP to go along with it.

She’s frantically trying to rearrange their entire holiday, even dates, rather than tell them.

Presumably it would be cheaper if you leave your husband at home……….

Don’t you think DH and his mate orchestrated for you to meet his friends partner for the first time after they set up this whole holiday scenario?

Send them a message. I don’t see why you should be having all of this grief due to their actions. There’s nothing for you to lose here

@EdithBond OP was too stunned to respond in the moment — doesn’t mean I haven’t processed it since. And let’s be honest, even if I do tell them how I feel, they’ve already booked and paid. It’s not like they’re going to cancel their holiday because I’m uncomfortable — so yes, I am trying to change mine, even if it’s proving difficult and expensive.

I came here to vent and get advice, not be spoken down to. If you can’t offer support without being condescending, feel free to scroll on by.

This happened to us, and a family from DC's class at school booked into our hotel on the same dates as us, after some chit chat about what we are doing at half term at the school gates.
This was followed by it will be so fun that the kids can hang out.
No - I don't want to spend my holiday with ppl I barely know. We just smiled and said hello if we saw eachother around the resort and then stayed away.

Unsurprised that Husband is now playing it down. OP is hurriedly trying to rebook meanwhile a much simpler solution is staring H in the face - he needs to tell his friends that his family isn’t up for a joint holiday, sorry.