My one and only holiday ruined?

[AbbeyDown]

AIBU to feel really upset that my holiday plans have changed without my input?

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m feeling really unsettled about something, and my husband doesn’t seem to get where I’m coming from.

We booked a 10-day holiday abroad as a break after my 16-year-old daughter finishes her GCSEs. It was meant to be just the three of us — a time to relax, unwind, and celebrate her finishing such a stressful chapter.

Now I’ve found out that my husband’s long-time friend (who I’ve known for years, but we’re not especially close) has also booked onto the same holiday, staying at our hotel. He’s bringing along his girlfriend, who I’ve only met once, and their two kids — one who is close in age to my daughter, and a 5 year-old.

I had no say in this. My husband told them about our plans, and they just… decided to come. Apparently it was going to be kept a secret and just surprise us when we got to the airport. I wasn’t asked if I was okay with it, and now I’m expected to share my holiday with a group of people I don’t know well, including a young child, which changes the whole dynamic of the trip.

I also want to be honest: I struggle with confidence, especially around my body and skin. I deal with hormonal acne, and holidays are the one time I let go, go makeup-free, and truly relax — knowing no one knows me and I don’t have to “perform” socially. Now, with someone 12 years younger than me who I barely know coming along, I feel extremely self-conscious and uncomfortable. It’s not about jealousy — it’s about not feeling safe to just be myself anymore.

My husband says I’m overreacting and that there’s “nothing wrong with my body,” but he’s totally missing the emotional side of this for me. I feel like my space has been taken away from me, and I’ve lost the freedom I was looking forward to.

AIBU to feel upset about this? And has anyone else dealt with something similar?

I wouldn’t change the hotel. I’d change the dates for my annual leave, move the hotel stay and flights for you and your daughter. If your husband then isn’t on board when you suggest he moves his annual leave and you’ll move his flight for him then he can be in for a nasty shock, or “surprise” as him and his mate like to refer to it, and go alone and have to sleep on their room floor. I wouldn’t even tell him I’d done it. Surprise! 😃

….or you could embrace it and end up having a nice time?

She’s typed paragraphs about how this is her worst nightmare for a dozen different reasons. You might as well tell her to embrace Norovirus, the threat of redundancy or someone driving into the back of her at the traffic lights.

OP I really feel for you with this, and would be raging determined that this is not going to alter the kind of holiday you and DD need. Haven't read everything, just your posts. Either your DH organised this, or he told his mate who said he'd come too and your DH did not have the spine to say no.
Can you move hotel? That would be best. If not, and there are other hotels nearby, maybe you can use the pool area of one of them. Some hotels let non-residents use the pool.
In your situation, I would ring the other couple as soon as possible and tell them that this was not your choice and you want to let them know that you are not sociable when on holiday, so won't be doing things with them as you like to do your own thing, and so does DD. Frame it as letting them know beforehand so they don't expect to see you and then get disappointed. Stress that you like time alone with DD. You could even say you will meet up after the holiday and compare notes! Get the holiday you want. 🍹

Nobody has a nice time by embracing something they already know they hate. She’s a grown woman, not a small children who needs persuading to try eating a new vegetable.

Fair points, well made

Change the holiday ! I would

🤣🤣🤣

“Sorry for hijacking your holiday… oh, and the little one isn’t a handful — he just chills!” Hmmm, I think this is an interesting comment from the mate's gf and suggests she, at least, has some level of awareness. Maybe she has been coerced into this by him too? In which case, she may be secretly pleased if you're able to change hotels (your DH's mate won't be, of course! 🙄 ).
I hope you hear back from your hotel soon and are able to do a switch. Good luck OP!

‘There you go, dear. Just suck it up and do something you don’t want to do, and use half your annual leave to it. It doesn’t matter if you and your daughter aren’t happy as long as everyone else is.’

That can fuck right off.

I’ll bet £50 your DH is in on it. There’s no way a conversation would go, ‘We’re getting the 12.15 to Marbella from Stanstead on xxx date and staying in xxx hotel’, and then his mate thinks, ‘I’ll book the EXACT same holiday at the same time in the same hotel as a surprise’. That doesn’t happen. Holiday conversations are much more ‘We’re going to Marbs first week of July’, and that’s about it. I’d be changing hotel as a minimum but ideally location/date.

Good luck changing the hotel OP.

Really hoping that this is possible.

Then you need to think about your next move. Personally I would tell my DH what I had done but I would also say that you have done it so that you can have a holiday that you enjoy not a miserable time and the fact that you felt the need to do this should show him how important it is to you. I would also tell him that if he wants to stay married then this is a secret and his mate can find out when you return from your holiday. Ask him where his priorities lie - with his wife and daughter or with his mate?

He does not get to decide what is "fine" for a whole holiday. Its "fine" to suck up an afternoon or evening with people you don't know in a situation you are not entirely comfortable with at home but holidays are rare and precious and need to be protected.

Condescending much?

Does DH know you are changing the hotel? What’s his reaction?

Sulking?

🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞

I hope you can find something as nice as the place you normally go to, @AbbeyDown and that your current hotel accepts your cancellation without a huge fee being charged.
I’m with you, I’d be steaming about this, it’s all very well for a group of friends to get together and make the decision to all go to the same place at the same time for a holiday with their families, but this is a completely different thing, I’d hate having people I don’t know very well imposed on me for my holiday when my original plan had been to have a very quiet relaxed time with just my husband and daughter. All these people telling you you should suck it up and you’ll probably have a wonderful time socialising with people you don’t want to socialise with and just want to be on your own with the family, obviously live in a different world from yours and mine!

I would be pissed at this too

If there is an adult area surely a 16 year old would be able to go there with you? Passing for 18?
I think if it's making you unhappy then look for another hotel. Otherwise I'd just lay some ground rules now, which DH will have to do as it's his friend.
So I'd be saying something along the lines of "this is a special family downtime holiday so hopefully you understand that we won't be eating breakfast or dinner with anyone else as we want to do our own thing. We also will be focused on getting r&r so we are not up for socialising or excursions. Just letting you know in advance!"

Giving the other people a speech won't work.
She's looking for another hotel.

Op you don’t need to justify your body issues. If you want a family holiday with just your family then that’s reason enough!!
this is a big one for your dd as well, and she has expressed her feelings of just wanting to wind down.
you don’t have to see these people but they will be like a black cloud hovering over you. Your dh wants to pop over for an hour which turns into 3 then you get annoyed then there a row, and it just spoils things. This is exactly what will happen.

does your dh think you are stupid. Who asks for holiday details for no reason?
off course these two twat men planned this and hoping to palm off their families to each other.

book a separate hotel now and they will get the message loud and clear. Oh and who cares if they don’t like you, they are his friends. Given it’s your one holiday and a big one for your DD, I would have the big fight and not spend it with these people.

You have not chosen to go on a group holiday.
These other people have.
Opt out.

God I hate this type of thing. I have a friend who loves group holidays and is always trying to get us to go with them. It’s truly my worst nightmare so I sympathise OP.
Personally I would change the holiday 😂

My husband’s now saying I’m making a bigger deal out of it than it really is. He says he’s already told his friend that we like to do our own thing on holiday. He’s also questioning where I’d even go if I wanted to change hotels, as we booked it quite far in advance and pointing out that it would be expensive — and something we can’t really afford right now.

Ignore him completely - he is in the wrong here BIG TIME - Change your hotel doesn't matter how much extra it cost s, if he wants he can stay at same hotel and see his friend but you are not. I would go grey rock on him then and that be the end of the matter

Your husband's being an almighty prick about this.

Does '...can't really afford right now' mean you actually can't, or just that he'd rather you don't spend it? Because if the money is there I'd absolutely use it without any hint of guilt and I wouldn't hesitate one tiny little bit. He's allowed his friend to ruin your and DDs holiday!